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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not leave him...

197 replies

NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 20:45

...even though he punched me in the face earlier this evening?
His is in bed now.
We have DC together.
He is clinically depressed, takes no responsibility for his feelings, says he hates me and is verbally abusive.
I hate him at the moment and am venting on here TBH.
He (strangely) doesn't scare me even though he is a big bloke and aggressive. I think it's because I am numb and he is ill.
I don't know why I am not running as fast as I can?

OP posts:
TarquinGyrfalcon · 30/12/2011 21:03

OP, please listen to all the advice you are being given.

What would you say to a friend in this situation? If you have daughters how would you feel if someone was treating them as you H treats you?

bigbuttons · 30/12/2011 21:03

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effingwotsits · 30/12/2011 21:04

My dad never hit me or hurt me physically, but the scars he left by hurting my mother over and over will never leave.

For what it's worth, we know he would have ended up hurting us both but I won't go into details for fear of scaremongering and speculating on your situation, which we only know the bare facts about.

He has punched you. You stay. He won't stop. It WILL get worse.

Leave. Now.

tigerlillyd02 · 30/12/2011 21:04

It doesn't matter that he doesn't hurt your children physically. They are being emotionally harmed by witnessing this sort of behaviour.

I've twice, personally seen cases where social services have removed children because of domestic violence and mother refusing to leave. So it is a serious issue in terms of your childrens wellbeing.

LydiaWickham · 30/12/2011 21:04

He's not hit the DCs yet. Did you think when you first got together with him that he'd ever hit you? He's crossed a line, you are taking a risk that you've guessed correctly how far across the line he's prepared to go.

Put your DCs before him and you. Remove them until you are certain he has the treatment he needs and is 100% safe.

fuzzynavel · 30/12/2011 21:05

They will suffer more if you stay, really they will.

First things first though, do you have any support in RL? Can you call a friend or relative?

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/12/2011 21:06

have you ever tried phoning Womens Aid
here is the website and the phone no is top of the page

hellhasnofury · 30/12/2011 21:07

Your children are not being physically harmed...yet. Do you really want to take the gamble that that will remain the case? He may not be physically harming them yet but the situation will be emotionally affecting them. Please. Do something. He needs help. You cannot help him. You are not equipped to as much as you might want to. He needs to get well. Staying with him is not facilitating his recovery.

Ismeyes · 30/12/2011 21:07

Try not to look at this as a long term decision you have to make right now, you are not in a place to do that. Get away, get safe and get some perspective. You are not deciding on the rest of your and your DC life right now, but you need to get some space.

Pantofino · 30/12/2011 21:08

Exactly - of you stay they will suffer MUCH more than if you leave! Phone Women's Aid and get OUT of there! Please! Before something much worse happens....

morethanyoubargainfor · 30/12/2011 21:09

In your OP you say that he has no responsibility for his his feelings because of his MH issues but if that were true he wouldn't care who he took his aggression out on, you or the children. You state that he is never aggressive physically or mentally to your DC. To me this smacks of he does it to you because he knows he can and he is using his diagnosis as a reason for it.

I wouldn't advise either way as to leave him or not but i would recommend that you put distance between him and you until he gets a better grip on his MH issues and he understands that violence will not be tolerated by you.

Leverette · 30/12/2011 21:10

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pictish · 30/12/2011 21:10

Oh OP I'd really like to give you a huge hug right now, you poor woman.

Of course you must leave him. Of course you must.

hellhasnofury · 30/12/2011 21:11

I don't mean you can never be with him. Of course you can, in the future. But right now you need to be safe and away from violence.

rhondajean · 30/12/2011 21:11

Please call someone in RL and please get some medical attention. Im surprised no one else is mentioning it!

pictish · 30/12/2011 21:11

Your kids will not suffer if you leave. They will definitely suffer if you stay.

fuzzynavel · 30/12/2011 21:13

NYNC - As another poster just said. Get a bit of distance between you. Can you go to a friends tonight?

I presume he has been drinking. Don't let him wake up and still find you there as if nothing has happened.

jklikesrowing · 30/12/2011 21:14

are u ok? xx trust me u need to get away why u can xx

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 30/12/2011 21:15

I went ballistic with throwing glasses and getting knives out when depressed, but it was not directed at others. DD and OH called the police, and the police insisted I went either to the police station or to A and E. I chose A and E.

If this is part of a longer term pattern, or has escalated from words or other non-physical abuse, then do come over to the EA thread where there is supportive space to think things through.

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 21:15

You know what you should do. I wish you the strength to do it.

fuzzynavel · 30/12/2011 21:15

If the kids aren't there and it's just you and him, he's fasto, get a friend over or go to a friends and call the police. Is that not do-able OP?

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 30/12/2011 21:16

And yes, get yourself looked at too.

aquashiv · 30/12/2011 21:16

He is not verbally or physically abusive to the children -YET.
He will and they will see it and then they will become him or marry him.
You might feel that you deserve better but surely your children do.

aquashiv · 30/12/2011 21:18

don't

thepeoplesprincess · 30/12/2011 21:18

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