to not leave him...

[NewYearNoChange]

...even though he punched me in the face earlier this evening?
His is in bed now.
We have DC together.
He is clinically depressed, takes no responsibility for his feelings, says he hates me and is verbally abusive.
I hate him at the moment and am venting on here TBH.
He (strangely) doesn't scare me even though he is a big bloke and aggressive. I think it's because I am numb and he is ill.
I don't know why I am not running as fast as I can?

Agree with others here, get those injuries seen too (he could have broken a bone in your face, worth checking out) and get them documented. You might need that in the future.

Also, you do have other options, talk to citizens advice. If you can contact your direct manager or HR this weekend, let them know what's happened - apart from anything else, you'd have to turn up to work with a bruise on your face, even if you think you've covered it well with makeup, people will see and will be discussing it. Even the most wankerish people I've worked for would give you time off to sort your life out under these circumstances.

Unless you like being a punch bag leave

glue:It's not like a NT person who wants to improve themselves or get help for a bad habit. It's asking someone who's brain doesn't work like other people's to behave like other people. How do they learn to do that by themselves when it is so far removed from anything their brain is capable of? you have said it so well in your post.
'running for it' makes me feel powerless, I lose on all accounts although I have listened to you zhen and others. I will work things out because this crisis is killing me. I actually feel strong and that puts me in a good position.
We are two people in crisis not just one and I know many of you can't see that because once DV is mentioned it all goes mad.
I have talked to him a lot this morning, he lives in a different reality and cares for nothing.
ATM it's hell for both of us.
I am so grateful for everyone here even the people who are telling me I'm stupid, for those of you that are looking at the big picture, please keep talking to me.

just realised what a contradiction this is:
I will work things out because this crisis is killing me. I actually feel strong and that puts me in a good position.

It should read
I will work things out because this crisis is killing me but despite this I actually feel strong and that puts me in a good position.

Leonie and glue DH has a very high IQ - ridiculously high.
If they did an IQ for social functioning it would be minus 100

I am so glad you have come back and told us you are Okish. I wish you had taken my advice and gone to casualty last night. Please go now. You must make sure you are physically ok. I've been thinking about you all night, as I am sure many others have x

We are two people in crisis not just one

But only one of you is capable of putting your DC first.

Maybe you do want to help him ("he lives in a different reality and cares for nothing" not being an inspiring start) but they need you more than he does. What do you think when you read the posts from people who witnessed DV in their childhood? Genuine question - you don't have to answer it here, but I would urge you to think about it carefully.

NewYear, your loyalty to your DH is wonderful, but no matter how much you wish it otherwise, you are going to be forced to choose between your DH and your DC unless your DH gets help.

It's not his fault he has autism, it may not be his fault that he lashes out at you in temper (debatable, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt). However, unless he can find a way to prevent that from happening again, he is abusing your DC by abusing you. It really is as simple as that.

You can be loyal to your DH through thick and thin and above all others. You and him against the world, supporting each other when everyone else has turned their backs. But if you do so, you are putting your DC in the category of 'all others' and choosing to put your DH's needs above theirs.

It's a horrible situation and I've seen many amazing, capable and loving women fall foul of it, but your DC have to come first because they are children. I'm sorry that you will have to realise this because it is hard , but you really cannot be there for both your DH and your DC.

My DC arn't here (last night and today) so I am focussing on the two of us. You are right about having to choose.
The question about how do I think the DC feel (had they witnessed last night) and how do I think it will affect them - well, I know as my dad (very successful, wealthy, popular man) did the same to mum. I was terrified. Our biggest secret. Nobody knew.

Leonie DH feels normal, his reality is his reality. He recognises depression though.

Op, have you seen a doctor yet?

When this happened to me, the staff at the surgery, especially my nurse practitioner sorted everything, I mean everything, they logged my injuries, and made sure it was all on record. They rang the police, they contacted social services, they poured cups of tea down my neck, they were wonderful.

It became a situation that was out of my hands....we were "in the system" which was very empowering. It took some of the guilt away, yes I felt guilty for reporting it. insane innit? But there it is. He is still furious with me for ruining his public image, but my kids count for a damn sight more than that, as I am sure yours do to you.

I had the community safety people come and change the locks, put alarms and smoke detectors around the house, and we had social services visit us a couple of days later.

That is what happened to me, because after driving round the block a few times, everything i ever read ON HERE was spinning round my head. "It will get worse" " the long term damage to the kids" you've read it, we've all read it. And I went in and burst into tears. And it's five months later, I am fine, the kids are improving in all kinds of ways.

Get out there and get help. I will be ok.

xx

My ex is AS, crazily bright in some ways and has had what I'd call mental health problems (social anxiety/depression gave him a drink problem that took him years to overcome). Despite this he'd NEVER lay a finger on me or DS - instead has walked away from some major rows over the years, I once didn't know where he was for 3 months after a bad one. Non-violence towards women/children/puppies is a very rigid "rule" he's not only learnt himself but is doing a damn good job of teaching his AS son. Autsim is no excuse for what's happened.

We are now (after a few years that were rough while he battled the booze after the split) very good friends. He has a great relationship with his boy that is based on my lad knowing that his Dad is someone he can trust. It means a lot to both of them. Violence towards me would wreck their relationship forever, (as his Mum I'm centre of my child's world!). Although we don't live together DS has two parents he can rely on - emotional security is critical for kids and its a basic thing that no matter our financial circumstances we can all provide.

Get yourself to A&E and tell them what's happened. Your husband probably needs to be an inpatient in a decent clinical unit right now (The Maudsley, London has an AMAZING autsim specialist mental health section - get Hubbie referred there as soon as you can). He's certainly not well enough to be in the family home and needs to be removed. If that means the police and a section order for 28 days - so be it.

It may be with specialist treatment he will eventually able to resume the role of loving husband, partner and father but right now he is a physical danger to you (who looks after the kids if next time you don't get up btw?) and a serious emotional risk to the children. He's just not well enough to be around you right now.

If you allow him to stay in the family home, social services can take the view you are enabling him to remain a risk to the kids and put them n care. Sadly the outcome for kids in care isn't great. They need your protection more than he does. He needs treatment and he needs it really urgently, the next person he punches may either charge him for assault (he's not well enough to tolerate prison) or stab him (that's the society we live in).

Autistics are at high risk of depression and there are facilities to treat them if you are willing to fight for your family. You are in shock so don't worry about permanent solutions like divorce or leaving him right now. An A&E visit will get him out of the family home via sectioning when you report it and that's give you the space to recover yourself and for him to start to get the treatment he needs. It'll give everyone, (you, his family, your kids, the professionals) the breathing space you all need too.

You have got to go to A and E. I will keep saying it till you go xx

I am so grateful for everyone here even the people who are telling me I'm stupid

I don't think you're stupid - just completely unrealistic in thinking you can be his saviour.

You can't.

I live with family members who have ASD. ASD - and it will be Aspergers you are talking about if your DH is so high-functioning - does not make you violent. Mental illness can.

This man would not hit his boss, not hit people in the street - so why it is OK for him to hit you without facing the consequences?

You have the opportunity to leave.

You have the opportunity to take your children away from this. What will they think when they see your bruised face? Are you going to lie to them?

You can't save him.

You can save yourself and your DCs.

You start by picking up the phone and reporting it to the Police.

You keep your home, you keep your job, you make a better future for your you and your children.

His welfare should not feature in your thinking.

Tough but necessary.

I haven't read through all of the replies but I wanted to say this:

You HAVE to leave if not for your sake then for your children's. I witnessed my mum go through a violent relationship and in my adult life I have had lots of issues.

I ended up walking in my mum's shoes as I ended up in a very violent relationship. I didn't see the signs, I was very nieve and believed everything he told me (I was ill, paranoid, it was my fault)

my point is your children will see that he has hurt you and that you have still stayed, they will see this as it is ok for someone to hurt you.

Please please think of them and get out. They need to know this is not ok.

(Sorry for the rant, this is a very sore subject and I truly believe that what I witnessed was a factor in why I ended up in such a violent relationship)

If his clinical depression is so serious that he is being violent and showing signs of psychopathy you should contact his mental health crisis team or if he hasn't got one, your GP, who may admit him to hospital for his and your safety.

This is not a situation which you can handle by 'thinking things through'. He is obviously seriously mentally ill and needs medical intervention.

Also YOU need respite to think about your next move. Don't try to do this on your own.

Your gp won't reopen til Wednesday. Go to a and e.

junk collector summed it up better than I could.

Some things are beyond tlc and NEED proper specialist medical intervention. You are in shock, and this is someone you love. You are "looking after" him if you force him to get proper help, at the same time you protect your kids.

Sometimes what can seem like an extreme response is the ONLY correct response to extreme behavior. He is very, very seriously ill and if he was physically "bleeding out", instead of mentally "bleeding out" you wouldn't hestitate to dial 999 for someone you love - would you? .................

absolutely agree with WetAugust,

he has learnt he cannot hit people in the street, he has learnt he cannot his anyone else without their being consequences - he is capable of understanding that he cant just go around hitting people. except you, and because you have allowed him to get away with it, you have now set a course.

Having autism is not an excuse for adult to adult violence. Your DH has aspergers - same as my son who also is very bright with a very high IQ. high enough to realise that if he were to hit anyone he would be brought to book.

i have dealt with so many DV cases where the autistic party has used violence - i spot aspies with ease because of my son - i see it straight away.

but if my son where to hit another person, i would have no hesitation in arresting him and making him face up to the consequences of that action, and pay the price, aspergers or not.
You are not doing this - you say DV in your childhood home was a secret - you are making the same mistakes. He will not loose his job. he wont. not one the basis of one incident. He will however find out that it is wrong, that you cannot do what he has done and get away with it - this should not be swept under the rug. you are doing him a disservice actually.

I would be horrified if my son ever hit his girlfriend, and yes, he is clueless with relationships, his girlfriend doesnt speak to him for weeks and he hasnt a clue what he has done. I am confident that he would never hit anyone. We have had some almighty rows - he has always walked out of the house before it has come to anything. Your DH needs to learn to manage his feelings, but you cant sort this for him.
do you understand?

there not their....doh

You cannot change him and you are a fool to think this won't happen again.

You must leave him, for everyone's sake, including his. He needs help and has no chance of getting it if you stay and let him think this is acceptable behaviour that you will put up with.

Good luck.

OP don't you see, you grew up watching your mum being hit by your dad and now you're living it too. Not sure whether you have sons or daughters but surely if you have a DD you wouldn't want her to end up as you have, being punched in the face by a man who's supposed to love and cherish her? Yet she will unless YOU start taking steps to break the chain.

You're living proof of how it goes from generation to generation. For god's sake start putting your kids' welfare before your H's. Don't enable him to wreck their lives as well as yours.

Yes the two of you are in crisis - but here's the thing. Places like the Maudlsey's autism unit exist so you don't have to exist like this - either of you! Help is out there if you have the courage to grab it.

Like most things - taking that first step towards making improvements is scary, I get that, but honestly feel the alternative long term if you don't is far, far worse for your whole family.