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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not leave him...

197 replies

NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 20:45

...even though he punched me in the face earlier this evening?
His is in bed now.
We have DC together.
He is clinically depressed, takes no responsibility for his feelings, says he hates me and is verbally abusive.
I hate him at the moment and am venting on here TBH.
He (strangely) doesn't scare me even though he is a big bloke and aggressive. I think it's because I am numb and he is ill.
I don't know why I am not running as fast as I can?

OP posts:
flibbertywidget · 30/12/2011 22:38

OP (((((((((())))))))) - I can only begin to imagine how traumatic this is for you.

It isn't easy to "let go" when you have been holding it together for someone who has MH issues. But take heed of the advice provided tonight. for the sake of your kiddies. You would be devastated if anything happened to them because your DH is unable to cope. Sometimes the best option is to simply leave and let the person who is ill, reassemble themselves.
Good luck

rhondajean · 30/12/2011 22:49

Are you okay OP?

tigerlillyd02 · 30/12/2011 22:52

You need this violence documented by the police. Regardless of whether or not you think it's such a major deal now - at some point in the future when you do decide to leave, you will need the proof in order to protect your children.

iceandsliceplease · 30/12/2011 22:54

Just to add to all the others who have already told you that you don't need to live like this, and you don't need to understand why he hit you.

What you do need to do is get help to leave him. There is help out there if you'll only take it. As the DCs are out of the house, perhaps tonight would be the easiest night to do it.

Good luck, and remember that there are a lot of people on here who can offer help, advice and support.

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/12/2011 23:23

hope you got some really good advice OP from womens aid, i need to go now, but if you need a natter at any time, pm me. hope you're ok.

geekette · 31/12/2011 00:51

hey OP. hugs. glad you are calling WA. we are all rooting for you.

Personally I think :

  1. You do not need to understand anything. The only thing you need to know is none of this is your fault.

  2. His condition sounds like it is degenerating, it is only a matter of time before the kids start being hit

  3. if you call the police he might lose his job but he will get help. Aren't there laws on MH & the work place? If you do not call them now, he will eventually blow up at work and lose his job anyway. there is no guarantee he will be treated with the same compassion...

  4. You calling the police doesn't mean you are giving up on him. It means you are getting him the help he needs.

so I would still suggest calling the police.

good luck!

CinnabarRed · 31/12/2011 06:24

How are you this morning?

Wishing you strength and peace.

sashh · 31/12/2011 07:01

The reason you are not running is that you are suffering from battered wife syndrome.

Leave NOW.

If he had a contagious disease and you were advised to stay away from hi so you and your children did not suffer then you would, this is no different.

You have a right not to be abused in your own home. As an adult you also have the right to stay if you want to but you do not have the right to abuse your own childrena nd that is what you are doiing by staying.

Take a look at your kids. Do you love them? If you do then you would be packing a bag right now.

runningwilde · 31/12/2011 07:20

Update op? X

TandB · 31/12/2011 09:06

OP - please get out now. Even if it is only temporary. I have been involved in more DV cases at work than I care to keep track of. DV doesn't tend to be a one-off.

If you take decisive action after the first incident then there is a chance he will be shocked into seeking help for his MH problems and trying to resolve the situation. This could finish up being the only incident in a relationship that can continue happily in the future when things are stable.

But if you let this one go then he will think, even subconsciously, that you will let the next time go as well, and the one after that. It will get harder for you to leave and harder for him to believe you will leave.

Please remove yourself from the situation and then think about where things go from here.

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 31/12/2011 09:13

WA were helpful, they talked about refuge and how to take the children (with police assistance) and basically run for it.
I told them that I had a FT job, that DC wouldn't want to leave and would fight it, that he would make my life hell if I tried to take the DC, that he is a chamelion and has said he would fabricate all manner of things about me if I went against him. I would lose my home, my DC and my job (because I wouldn't be able to function) if I left this minute. We will separate. I am going to talk to citizen's advice and ask them what./ how to do this.

OP posts:
SuePurblybilt · 31/12/2011 09:18

kungfu is, as ever, wise.

OP, did WA give you any advice? What about reporting his assault on you? There are people much better qualified to confirm this but surely if you have 'proof' of domestic violence, it should get easier to access help, to get him to leave or to keep him gone?

notmyproblem · 31/12/2011 09:29

Stay strong OP, your last post sounds suspiciously like you already feel you've lost before you've even started. You did your best to convince the WA that no matter what it's best to remain in a home where you're being hit Hmm.

It can seem a very bleak picture to look into the future and predict what will happen, but often that's not at all how it would work and things turn out better than you thought.

Reporting the violence will help you keep your home and your DCs and your sense of normality. Not reporting it but merely separating on the basis of "we don't want to be a couple anymore" is not going to do you any favours. If anything it weakens your position -- I can already see you making excuses for his behaviour.

Please hang tough, you deserve a lot better than this.

ZhenThereWereTwo · 31/12/2011 09:37

At the very least OP get your injuries documented either with GP or Police while they are fresh.

Your job would have to give you leave under the circumstances, you would not lose your job, GP can sign you off sick. If they did try to sack you, you could get an employment lawyer and do them for unfair dismissal and they would end up owing you compensation.

He cannot lie about documented, reported injuries.

How old are DC, old enough to understand if you sit them down and explain frankly what he has done? Would they want to stay with a man who has assaulted their mother?

Isn't he making your life hell already? At least if you leave it will be hard, but things will start to get better.

He cannot fabricate what isn't there, the Police will believe you not him, he is clinically depressed and not in his right mind.

You will not even lose your home, you and the children would stay and he would be out with an injunction against him to not to come near you/house again. Get legal advice now.

imaginethat · 31/12/2011 09:53

Sounds a lot like my ex. I felt trapped, where to go? what to do? but I knew then that it was the end. And I think you know this too, you are floundering because it's so huge and maybe you can't imagine how to begin to disentangle?

I didn't think of myself as living in a DV situation, I imagined I had to be half-killed before it was proper violence. It's amazing what you can tell yourself.

One step at a time.

Start by removing yourself and the children. When you are somewhere safe and facing the reality of your situation you can start to make plans for the next step.

In a refuge there will be people who will know how to help you.

I would also advise that you don't engage with him, that you try to get an intermediary - police? refuge worker? lawyer? to write to him rather than try to have sensible conversations with him while you are both so upset.

You are in a crisis and right now you probably want to cling to familiar ways of coping but I think the fact you are on here shows you are hoping to make change. This might be the end of your marriage but it could also be the start of a better life for you and your children.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 31/12/2011 10:17

LeonieDelt My DH is 38, dx age 35 with HFA (high functioning autism). He's thrown a few things and hit a few walls in 12 years of marriage to me, but never ever once has he laid a hand on me or the kids, nor would it ever occur to him to do so. Both of my girls have autism. Autism equals MASSIVE temper tantrums / meltdowns. DD2 hits / bites when she does this. Do autistic adults in relationships hit people? No, they learn how to cope, how to manage and vent effectively. They have to.

Unfortunately they do not all learn how to manage and vent effectively. My DB is evidence of that.

ArthurPewty · 31/12/2011 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sheepgomeep · 31/12/2011 10:35

Right, now op I was in exactly your position 6 months ago with a dp who was exactly like yours. Like your dp my now ex is an un diagnosed aspie, very depressed, and violent. He also has horrific issues with his childhood and I bore the brunt of it all.

It does not get better and he will not change and stop the violence. Whether or not he is autistic or depressed it does not give him the right to hit you or be aggressivetoward you and believe me your dc will suffer too. Whether he hits them or not.

It took me six years to get out but I made sure it was all documented and the police came to ours a lot. It took just one incident to finally understand the situaation and I threw him out.

Six month later he is finally seeking help and is now under the psych unit at the hospital, yes I still love him but my kids came first in the end.

My ex finally admitted he was the problem but he did it on his own away from us and there he shall stay for ever more

Get out op before he really gets worse. Please.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 31/12/2011 10:38

LeonieDelt You're absolutely right, but it is of course so much harder for them to learn to control themselves then for NT people. My DB is undiagnosed just like the OPs DH so the help and advice wasn't there. My parents didn't know what to do, he has come close once to going to jail and gets into trouble every now and then. I am not saying that SN makes it ok or is an excuse but it can be a reason. I do not believe that my DB has the insight or intelligence to learn how to control himself with his temper or even how to ask for the help from other people. It's not like a NT person who wants to improve themselves or get help for a bad habit. It's asking someone who's brain doesn't work like other people's to behave like other people. How do they learn to do that by themselves when it is so far removed from anything their brain is capable of? It would be like expecting someone to suddenly increase their IQ by 50 points. I am not saying it's an intelligence issue (although my DH has a slightly low IQ) btw. We are what we are and if intervention isn't early enough we stay like that . . . especially if our brain can not comprehend that we even have an issue let alone understand what to do about it.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 31/12/2011 10:40

My DB has a slightly low IQ!

gottagetanewcalender · 31/12/2011 10:42

"I am going to talk to citizen's advice and ask them what./ how to do this."

He has committed a crime, you phone the police and they arrest him, then the CP side will click in. He only has power if you give it to him by staying silent and not use the services that are there.

If anyone else had punched you in the face, would you have phoned the police or an advice line?

ArthurPewty · 31/12/2011 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rikalaily · 31/12/2011 10:47

|If you can't leave for yourself, please for gods sake leave for your kids. Until I was 5 (and mum left) I woke up hearing mum scream and cry, I witnessed him hitting mum several times and I remember it all (despite being so young). It took him trying to beat her to death in front of us 4 oldest (youngest was 2 and asleep) for mum to leave for good.

Your kids will hear and see things that will haunt them forever.

StickAForkInMeImDone · 31/12/2011 10:52

Rika I have similar memories. Sad

gottagetanewcalender · 31/12/2011 11:03

OP also don't think that it is you that has to flee, everyone's circumstanses are different. WA should have talked you through the options rather than telling you "to run for it", this once again makes you feel powerless, when you aren't.