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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not leave him...

197 replies

NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 20:45

...even though he punched me in the face earlier this evening?
His is in bed now.
We have DC together.
He is clinically depressed, takes no responsibility for his feelings, says he hates me and is verbally abusive.
I hate him at the moment and am venting on here TBH.
He (strangely) doesn't scare me even though he is a big bloke and aggressive. I think it's because I am numb and he is ill.
I don't know why I am not running as fast as I can?

OP posts:
goldbow · 30/12/2011 21:18

Your children is all I'm saying.

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 21:18

I'm listening to you all, I've always known he could do this, we are not in love and never have been. Ours is a non relationship.
He shows signs (massive, great big in your face signs) of being Autistic and is depressed. We are the age where this was not diagnosed in childhood. Therefore he is undiagnosed and functions in his own way.
There are no excuses, He has no excuse at all.
I am listening to you all and it gives me perspective.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 30/12/2011 21:20

I echo all the advice and encouragement you've already had and will get on the thread.

But I would like to say that I understand how a person can stay with someone who punches them in the face, amongst other things.

My circumstances weren't the same as yours (I didn't have children at the time, which would make a difference to me now) and I'm not implying in any way that you're stopping for the same reasons I did.

I stayed because I felt I provoked the violence and therefore was partially to blame for it, and if I removed the violence part from the relationship it was a relationship I wanted to continue for lots of reasons (like you, the imagined alternative of what would happen if I left was part of that).

Just on what you've said though, and knowing what having your own children feels like, the risk to your children of long term damage is far greater if you stayed than if you went.

DingDongDialsMavislyOnHigh · 30/12/2011 21:20

He doesn't love your DC very much at all if he can treat their mother like that.....

BarbarianMum · 30/12/2011 21:20

He has not hurt your children yet.

If he has the control not to abuse you in front of them then he has the control not to do it at all and is choosing to hurt you.

If he does not have the control then sooner or later they are going to witness it/get in the way/be on the receiving end.

You owe it to yourself and them to leave (or if you are feeling strong phone the police, have him arrested and removed). Also, you need medical attention. You don't necessarily have to leave for ever, but you most definitely need to leave now. And stay away (get him removed) until his mental health issues have been dealt with, which may take many months.

ReindeerBollocks · 30/12/2011 21:21

Hope you are ok OP. Please listen to the wise words of Mumsnetters, you are worth more than this and so are your DCs.

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/12/2011 21:25

get off AIBU.

post in relationships, and phone Womens aid tonight. i posted a link. you can speak to someone in confidence and get some practical and emotional support.

replies in AIBU tend to be harsh. You know what you need to do, but i appreciate its hard to go through with it. but you dont have to do it alone, support is out there, you need to find it, and utilise it.

if you do want him out, for tonight, then you could phone the police. Perhaps it is the wake up call he needs? he needs consequences to his actions. i am a police officer with an autistic grown up son, being autistic is not an excuse for violence in this way. He needs to see that there are boundaries.

If you cannot phone the police, then do please phone womens aid.

DigOfTheStump · 30/12/2011 21:25

Rescue your children from this and leave. He may be ill, but he is no good for your family.

EnjoyResponsibly · 30/12/2011 21:27

How awful, and sad OP.

But think, tonight could be the first night of the rest of your better life.

Stay safe x

OnemorningXmasCockMonkey · 30/12/2011 21:27

Massive hugs to you OP. Please call the police x

thefroggy · 30/12/2011 21:29

Op, my friend in her 30's is seriously fucked up in the head because of violence she witnessed as a child. It has influenced the decisions she has made in her life (some very bad ones regarding men) and affected the way she thinks about/deals with everything. She has never forgiven her mum for staying in that home rather than protecting her.

Do you want that to be your dc? It will only get worse. You Need To Leave.

fuzzynavel · 30/12/2011 21:30

OP, you just said yourself that it's a non-relationship. He has just given you the biggest reason in the world to leave. Do it!

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 21:30

Oh he is choosing to hurt me alright, He can't cope with life and sinks into his black hole. Mental illness is just that, the person just doesn't function 'normally'. He knows what he is doing and I become the focus of his frustration and anger.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 21:33

vicar I posted in AIBU for the harsh (but kick up the backside) comments and for the quick responses. If MN HQ want to move it they will :)

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 30/12/2011 21:35

You seem to be locked into some sort of two-ing and fro-ing battle with this man and his "illness". I'm getting a bit cross as you don't seem to be thinking about the kids here.

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 21:35

vicar how does your son cope with frustration and anger? We hear a lot about autism in DC, very little in adults.

OP posts:
SiamoNellaMerda · 30/12/2011 21:37

OP - this will sound harsh but so be it. The energy you are putting into defending and excusing him? How about you turn that around and use it productively to save yourself and your children from this living hell?

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 21:38

fuzzy DC are not here, I have time to think and I'm thinking about what's happened, believe me, the reason I'm trying to unravel it all so that I do things properly.

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 30/12/2011 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 21:39

Whatever his problems, you are not a punching bag.

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 21:39

Siamo, I'm not defending him. I hate him. I need to understand what's happened.

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 30/12/2011 21:40

You already know what to do OP.

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 21:41

Stop trying to understand him, start trying to put yourself and your dc before his 'pain'.

Adversecamber · 30/12/2011 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 21:41

Neither thick or pissed :(

OP posts: