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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not leave him...

197 replies

NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 20:45

...even though he punched me in the face earlier this evening?
His is in bed now.
We have DC together.
He is clinically depressed, takes no responsibility for his feelings, says he hates me and is verbally abusive.
I hate him at the moment and am venting on here TBH.
He (strangely) doesn't scare me even though he is a big bloke and aggressive. I think it's because I am numb and he is ill.
I don't know why I am not running as fast as I can?

OP posts:
rhondajean · 30/12/2011 21:42

What's happened.

He has punched you square in the fade then gone to sleep.

There is no need to deconstruct at this point.

Get medical help and get somewhere safe. When your brain settles you can work out what to do.

Stop trying to work outs what's going on in his head. It doesn't matter right now.

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 21:42

fuzzy You already know what to do OP. I know I do. I just wanted help.

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 30/12/2011 21:43

Does it matter why? Does it matter at all why happening?

It has, now you have to deal with it.

rhondajean · 30/12/2011 21:43

You have help, we are here, what are you going to do?

We can hold your hand.

MaryPoppinsMagic · 30/12/2011 21:43

op

You have been hit in the face by someone with mental issues, i think you need to give him a choice - Get help via mental health services or be arrested for assult.
You cannot let yourself be this 'mans' punch bag when the time gets hard, i have had depression lots of people i know have had it also.

Think of this scenario -

Your partner looses it with the children being at home, one of them gets in the way to protect mummy from being hurt and they are hurt in the cross fire The child then needs to be seen at a+e for an injury....

You then have to answer to social services and the police, how will you feel if the children are made to go into care so that they are safe from this person you choose to be with?

PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE SAKE OF YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN. NOONE DESERVES TO BE HIT OR ABUSED AND THERE IS NO EXCUSE REGARDLESS OF YOUR SITUATION - PLEASE PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN

It will not be easy, it will be a painful and stressful experience but there are so many women on here who will tell you what a relief it is to be away from abuse.

HoudiniHissy · 30/12/2011 21:44

Please, the autism is a red herring, the depression too.

It doesn't matter at all about what he has or doesn't have. He punched you in the face.

Please call the police? Please? For your DC, for you.

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 21:44

Thank you Rhonda

OP posts:
SiamoNellaMerda · 30/12/2011 21:45

You need to understand him? Sorry - losing patience with you now. Does someone who is staring down an axe murderer need to understand them or do they run like fuck to get away?

You DO NOT need to understand him. You DO need to get yourself and your precious children to a place of safety.

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/12/2011 21:45

well then, if its a kick up the arse you want you can have it with bells on.

you are damaging your children by leaving them in this dysfunctional joke of relationship.
damaging them for life.
they will learn from you. from him. but more from you. they will learn that abuse is ok, that you suffer it, that you ignore it, that you do nothing, and then they will teach the same cycle to their children.

my son - he is 20, but he would never hit or hurt anyone, ever. he is gentle. that is not to say he does not get frustrated - because he does, and he gets in bad moods and does take things out on me, but i call him to account, and he ends up in tears and always says sorry.
we have known he has autism since he was about 5, and he was diagnosed at 7, so he knows his own strengths and weaknesses very well and knows what is and isnt attributed to his autism.

im sorry that probably isnt helping - but he has never been give licence to do whatever simply because he has it. If he does wrong then he knows about it, he still cocks up now, but he has to deal with the consequences.

sounds like you DH hasnt had that.

hellhasnofury · 30/12/2011 21:45

You don't love.

He doesn't love you.

He doesn't respect you.

And he's violent to you.

Do you want to still be with this man in 2/5/10 years time?

Why do you stay with him? Are there any positives? What do you get from the relationship? I mean none of those questions in an aggressive way, they are questions I think you need to answer in your own head.

Adversecamber · 30/12/2011 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryPoppinsMagic · 30/12/2011 21:46

siamo i think that is the first time i have ever agreed with you

rhondajean · 30/12/2011 21:46

I'm going to push you here - what are you going to do?

We can talk you through it and listen.

fuzzynavel · 30/12/2011 21:48

OP, the man has been physically violent.

You need to remove yourself.

You need to get this documented.

Sitting there wondering about his health is not going to help you or your kids.

Dawndonna · 30/12/2011 21:48

My Dh is Autistic, he received a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome at 33. He has been in and out of mental health units due to depression and anxiety. We've been together 20 years. He has never hit anyone, not even the dog. It wouldn't even cross his mind. Even in meltdown/panic mode, he wouldn't and hasn't hit anyone. Our kids and his stepson (27, been his dad since he was 7) adore him.
Sweetie, diagnosis or not, depression, HFA, Aspergers, it's a diagnosis, not an excuse. Please get out of there. I think Vicar put a link up for Women's Refuge. And you'll be surprised how the kids flower without the ever present threat. They won't lose out, they'll be grateful, we were when my Mum finally threw my Dad out.

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/12/2011 21:49

if you want help then help is out there. all you have to do is pick up a phone and dial for it.
whats stopping you OP?

999 if you want him gone tonight.
womens aid if you want to find out how to do the rest. either one, or both. do it - dont think about it. dont try and work it out now. just pick up the phone. sort the emotions and the details later.

TarquinGyrfalcon · 30/12/2011 21:49

OP, this is not the life you should be living. Only you can change things. I'm sure it won't be easy but please phone a help line and consider your options.

maras2 · 30/12/2011 21:50

I have no professional or real life advice to offer.However I've seen and read about such relationships as you seem to be in and fear for you.Leave now,take all of the advice given because I think that he may kill you.

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 21:53

Why do you stay with him? Are there any positives? What do you get from the relationship I don't know, no, nothing.

Rhonda- I actually don't know how to leave.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 30/12/2011 21:53

phone tonight. we can still be here when youve done it. we can support you through the night if you like.

im a copper - i can tell you how the police will act if you phone them. pm me if you like.

if you cant bring yourself to do that - then womens aid. tonight. phone em. we can still be here after that too,

do you have any visible injuries? any bruising?
how old are the kids?

maras2 · 30/12/2011 21:56

I'll be up too New year.Please leave. Mx.

AgentZigzag · 30/12/2011 21:56

'You are either thick or very pissed!'

If only it were that easy to explain why all the women who stay with violent partners decide against going time after time.

If was as simple as thinking 'just leave him', nobody would be in violent relationships.

They can consider their situation and stay 20 times, but then decide they have the strength to leave on the 21st time they think about it.

Calling the OP thick or pissed for trying to work out what she thinks isn't going to contribute to that deciding factor to move her and her children out, it's just going to make her feel like yet another avenue of support isn't viable because she gets slated for saying how she really feels.

rhondajean · 30/12/2011 21:56

Okay. I understand you are scared, and confused, and in pain physically and emotionally.

Are the children there?

Original poster
NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 21:56

vicar I can't cope with this, I can't think. If I call the police he will lose his job ( you will guess why) if I call WA, same thing.

OP posts:
TheCokeMachine · 30/12/2011 21:57

Please leave him now - physical violence in never, ever accepatable. I hope you get the support you need.