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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not leave him...

197 replies

NewYearNoChange · 30/12/2011 20:45

...even though he punched me in the face earlier this evening?
His is in bed now.
We have DC together.
He is clinically depressed, takes no responsibility for his feelings, says he hates me and is verbally abusive.
I hate him at the moment and am venting on here TBH.
He (strangely) doesn't scare me even though he is a big bloke and aggressive. I think it's because I am numb and he is ill.
I don't know why I am not running as fast as I can?

OP posts:

racingheart · 31/12/2011 16:26

Please leave. I really do appreciate what you say about this being a problem for both of you. It is so hard to walk out on someone you are close to when they have severe MH problems. But your children get one shot at childhood, and we must always remember that whatever we put them through they think is normal at the time, because they know nothing else.

Do you want them to think it's normal that when they are out of the house mum gets her face smashed in by dad who shows no remorse? Do you want it to be normal that you behave as though this is OK, you can handle it?

I really hope your answers to both questions are No. If they are, you must leave. AS and Autistic adults still have social responsibilities. He is intelligent. He may not feel right from wrong but he can know it intellectually or logically and act on it, and the same is true for getting help when he is in a bad way. he can recognise logically which actions of his are alarm warnings.

You are not his saviour. You cannot heal him. You can't change him. But you can change normality for your children and make it a place which is calm and secure for all members of the family.

Wishing you very well - it can't be easy but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

tribpot · 31/12/2011 18:25

My guess is that you don't think the situation is the same as the one from your childhood, because your dc didn't witness it (or were even in the house when it happened) and because you can rationalise it by applying the label of autism to his behaviour. Being brutal, I can imagine your mother probably did similar things, i.e. he would never touch the children, I would lose too much if I moved out.

Original poster

NewYearNoChange · 31/12/2011 18:35

tri yes to everything you have just said.

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 31/12/2011 18:51

so newyear

what did you post here for? not being harsh, just genuinely curious to know if you can explain away his behaviour/justify it/make excuses/justify staying?

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 31/12/2011 18:59

How is he today? Was there drink involved, it was inferred but did you confirm. can't remember. I did rage and hit OH a few times many many years ago in my teens and early twenties, it was AS depression +ADHD frustration rage, and I taught myself not to do it, though I once kicked the wall instead and then discovered it was plasterboard - large hole resulted. Being female I wasn't very strong though, hurt but did not damage OH.

It's only recently I understand why I did it, had been depressed most of life, have had later diagnosis of bi-polar, but AS and ADHD explain symptoms better and enable me to take action to self-manage.

I say all this because your OH might be similar to me, and I did change. Or he might not be similar at all.

FreudianSlipper · 31/12/2011 19:03

i think you have made the first step by coming on here, i am not surprised you do not feel like running where would you get the energy to and you want things to change but somehow you need to find the strength. you knew no one was going to say stay with him it will all be ok and you know him being depressed is no real excuse for his bullying and the violence. by staying you and your children will suffer more you need to work on getting out honey it will not get better :(

please try to get on the freedom programme close to you there is a lot of help on their website. the programme will not only help you understand the situation you are in but also helps you move on safely. its easy to say just pack your bags and go and is the best advice but it is not so easy to and this they understand

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Bogeyface · 31/12/2011 19:07

The fact that he takes no responsibility for his feelings is what worries me.

He can do anything he likes because it isnt his fault. So where will he stop? When you are in hospital? Or dead?

It will affect your kids then wont it? With Mummy dead and Daddy in prison.

tribpot · 31/12/2011 19:38

NewYear - I should say by offering those 'explanations' I wasn't saying I agreed with their conclusions. How do you feel knowing that in essence you are repeating your mother's behaviour? Because what if your father was autistic too, would that make it okay? What if your H only lashes out at you when your children are out of the house, so they must fear every day he has off when they're at school, or every night away as the one where you get killed, because you have too much to lose by moving out?

Again, I don't post these questions for you to feel you must answer them here, only to urge you to think carefully about them. What you're doing is the equivalent of rationalising it on the grounds that your DH is considerably taller than your father and with different coloured hair.

Original poster

NewYearNoChange · 31/12/2011 20:10

Freud I will look that up. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewYearNoChange · 31/12/2011 20:14

There are lots of questions here and you are all being really helpful because I need to answer them. It's time to get help.
We have been with friends all afternoon and early evening.
He is subdued. I have concentrated on DC and friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewYearNoChange · 31/12/2011 20:25

Thanks all, I'm namechanging back now :) xx

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 31/12/2011 21:47

best of luck op

if your dh is willing to consider that he has autism, there is help out there, but he needs to see his gp for a referral.

cestlavielife · 31/12/2011 22:11

You need to tell yourself next time you go straight to a and e
You report it.
Either he "mad" and needs help now
Or he is "bad"
Or a bit of both

Either way keeping status quo helps no one

GlueSticksEverywhere · 01/01/2012 11:35

WetAugust I live with family members who have ASD. ASD - and it will be Aspergers you are talking about if your DH is so high-functioning - does not make you violent. Mental illness can.

I don't agree with that at all. It is well known that people with Aspergers are more prone to lashing out and temper problems.

OP I am glad you felt that I explained it well but I didn't mean that you should stay with him because it might be being caused by his Aspergers. The fact that he has (or probably has) Aspergers or similar doesn't mean that you should stay and suffer the consequences of it. I am sure he has some nice qualities and his violent outbursts may be something which is caused by his SN but that's not your fault or something you should put up with. You and your dc shouldn't be suffering because of it.

As I said earlier my DB has it (undiagnosed) and it was never recognised. He is now at the age where he will never (or very unlikely) be able to change and have the understanding and awareness to move in that direction. His awareness and understanding is too different to mine and other peoples. I put up with his outbursts and the punches all during my childhood and have had to have extensive counselling to deal with the fact that my parents didn't protect me, didn't do more to help him control his anger, didn't seek help (if there was any) and so I am damaged because of it. I do not see him any more as although I don't blame him for his problems, I do feel that my life is better without him in it. That may sound selfish but really it isn't as you have to put yourself and your dcs first, the alternative will wreck all your lives. Just because it might not be his fault as such doesn't mean you have to commit yourself and your children to a life of misery with him, which is what it would be.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 01/01/2012 11:44

OP I also wanted to say that the fact that your dad beat your mum has normalised this sort of behaviour for you. My DB hitting me normalised it for me. I also ended up in abusive relationships, my parents were shocked even though they had brought me up (unintentionally of course) to believe that it was ok to do that through allowing my brothers treatment of me, just as your mum allowed you to grow up in an abusive household and to see that it is ok for the dad to hit the mum. It really isn't. It took me a lot of counselling but I now finally have a strong idea of how it is and isn't ok for other people to treat me. I am assertive and much stronger.

I know leaving isn't easy (understatement) but it was the best thing I ever did and I feel that it saved my life. Not just literally, but if I had stayed I would have ended up desperately unhappy and a shadow of my former self. I would have had no enjoyment in life and that is no life at all, to be living in fear. By leaving (or having him leave) you would be breaking the cycle for your children. They will have no happiness in life if you stay and what is more important then that? Nothing.

Dawndonna · 01/01/2012 12:00

I put up with his outbursts and the punches all during my childhood and have had to have extensive counselling to deal with the fact that my parents didn't protect me, didn't do more to help him control his anger, didn't seek help
The whole point there, Glue, is that coping strategies were not put into place. There are four people in my house with AS, none of them are violent toward other people. Yes, people with AS can lash out, but if the right coping strategies are put into place then it doesn't happen.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 01/01/2012 12:19

You're completely right Dawn, I am sure that coping mechanisms would have helped, but the point I was making was that AS people are more prone to lashing out and if it isn't dealt with as a child then it will not change by itself. I really feel it needs to be dealt with when they are young.

Dawndonna · 01/01/2012 12:52

Yes, Glue, I think you are right. We have taught all of ours that it is unacceptable behaviour. Interestingly, fathers and grandfathers on both sides, had AS. All had that tendency, but became better with age.
However, as an adult, they still need it to be demonstrated that it is unacceptable, my dh got his dx at 33. He has never lashed out, but has learnt that some of his behaviours are AS and has made efforts to modify said behaviours.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 01/01/2012 16:55

Dawndonna my dh got his dx at 33. He has never lashed out, but has learnt that some of his behaviours are AS and has made efforts to modify said behaviours.

Which sort of behaviours? (out of interest)

Dawndonna · 01/01/2012 17:04

Having to be right, for a start! He was always right, no matter how wrong! He would stick to his guns for all he was worth. When he/we realised, through dx that it was fear that made him do this, we worked on it together. I have never been bothered by tics or stims though, I ignore them for the most part, if they're interfering with my activity eg. reading whilst sitting next to him, a gentle hand on his is enough.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 01/01/2012 17:17

He was always right, no matter how wrong!

That's interesting. With my DB he would announce an opinion that he didn't really understand (repeated from somewhere) and would usually be very het up about whatever it was, and if disagreed with would lash out. If you got him in a good mood and you argued about the opinion he would change his mind in a flash.

OldMumsy · 01/01/2012 18:35

"NewYearNoChange Sat 31-Dec-11 12:55:53

My DC arn't here (last night and today) so I am focussing on the two of us. You are right about having to choose.
The question about how do I think the DC feel (had they witnessed last night) and how do I think it will affect them - well, I know as my dad (very successful, wealthy, popular man) did the same to mum. I was terrified. Our biggest secret. Nobody knew."

So break this cycle now and save your kids. Do you want them to end up like you?

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