Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want disabled BIL to live with us

492 replies

sonotready · 29/12/2011 13:19

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

OP posts:
TopazMortmain · 29/12/2011 13:21

YANBU to want a plan in place so you can all manage the situation effectively. The laptop issue is a case in point...

BuntyPenfold · 29/12/2011 13:22

I would be very worried actually, as he will need a lot of supervision.

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2011 13:24

Maybe a trial? Few weeks?

Think you have posted previously about Bil?

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 29/12/2011 13:24

If its just for a while so your MIL can have a rest then I don't think you can say no. But I would definitely go round to your MIL one afternoon to talk about his care requirements, habits, things that might go wrong so that you are fully prepared. Also, absolutely clarify how long it will be for.

BuntyPenfold · 29/12/2011 13:24

(TopazMortmain love your name)

exexpat · 29/12/2011 13:24

Doesn't it depend a huge amount on what 'for a while' means?

A week or two might be OK, to give your MiL a break. It will be stressful for you, and your DH will have to do his bit too, but that is what families are for. But if she's thinking in terms of months, then no, I wouldn't do it either with young children to look after as well.

Have they ever looked into some kind of supported-independent living scheme for him? If MiL is getting older and feeling less able to cope, it could be time to do some long-term planning.

3cutedarlings · 29/12/2011 13:25

Would sheltered/supported living not be a better option for him?

BuntyPenfold · 29/12/2011 13:27

You need to know a lot more about his real behaviour so that you are prepared; for instance, he lied effectively to get your phone, didn't he?

Haziedoll · 29/12/2011 13:29

As you have children and your husband works I think it is too much to expect of you. Could he not come for the odd weekend when your dh is not working?

Original poster
sonotready · 29/12/2011 13:31

I haven't posted about BIL before under this username, don't want to be outed.

I can't just drop in unfortunately as it's a five hour journey to theirs.

MIL said "a few weeks", but once BIL is with us I can see that extending, just going on previous experience with other issues.

We have mentioned assisted living etc. Apparently he is not eligable as he doesn't need the level of support to qualify. MIL has very very rarely sought 'official' help for/with him over the years for various reasons. Also BIL would absolutely hate it. Something like that was tried when he was younger and he got in terrible trouble as many of the other service users were acting in ways which triggered him.

OP posts:
south345 · 29/12/2011 13:31

My sil has cerebral palsy, we've always known some day we may have to care for her, we would never let her go into a home full time but she does nothing like your bil she's like a 5 year old do gets on well with our dc's.

She gets official respite for about 6 weeks a year which can be just individual nights or longer blocks (mil regularly clears off in hol). She also has carers that take her out or whatever for a few hours now and again.

Think maybe a week or two would be fair but she should make use of other help available to her too. If you were to have him there full time you would sometimes need a break.

tribpot · 29/12/2011 13:31

Of course, your DH would take a minimum of a week off to help settle him in ... won't he?

nailak · 29/12/2011 13:32

What will you do if mil gets sick, frail and elderly, etc?

IndianOcean · 29/12/2011 13:33

I think you and your DH need to explore some long term solutions to this - researching charities who could provide sheltered housing or hostels, looking at his disability status and finding out whether he would be entitled to any care allowances, and how you could use them. It really doesn't sound feasible to take responsibility for him in your home in the longer term, and it sounds as if MIL's (understandable) denial of some of the realities are half the problem.

In the meantime, could you find a time when you and your DH would both be home for a few days or a week and have him for a week? It does sound a strain on your MIL, but you and your DH need to remain connected to the reality that babysitting, or even leaving him alone in your house, are not really options.

It all sounds very difficult, but if you can just find a planned way to give your MIL some time out, she may realise some of the realities of the situation. It sounds as if she is playing them down at present to try and persuade you that it is all OK, really! Find a constrauctive way to offer her a realistic alternative that doesn't rely on a desparate fantasy?

Good luck - I don't think you deserve flaming.

churchdonna · 29/12/2011 13:33

i think i too would have to seriously plan for a visit.
i have a special needs son - dont get me wrong i love him dearly but he is a handful.
i think u should sit down with mil & get the facts it may be difficult for her to talk about(i find it hard talking to ds school bout things let alone any1 else) but it needs to be done to ensure her son & her grand kids are safe & get everything that they need

Original poster
sonotready · 29/12/2011 13:34

Bunty yes, he said "can I have a go on your phone, I want to play angry birds" and vanished off with it but I was distracted with the DCs and didn't check what he was doing.

He has also bought a lot of stuff on amazon on my account, I now see :(

Hazie because of the distance and the logistics involved (MIL and DH seem very sure he couldn't cope with the train journey), and he's not fond of changes, weekend visits wouldn't work. I don't think he'd like staying with us at all TBH, he finds the DCs hard work and our house is probably too noisy and unpredictable for him. But it's pretty clearly more about MIL wanting/needing a break than what he might want.

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 29/12/2011 13:35

There are many variations in assisted living though, surely the family need to look at options for him.
MIL will become elderly, it isn't a 'what if'!

Haziedoll · 29/12/2011 13:36

Would your mil and bil consider moving closer to you?

Dawndonna · 29/12/2011 13:38

Get a social worker and get a care plan put it place. Both at MiLs and yours.
Services are available and would help all concerned.

squeakytoy · 29/12/2011 13:38

It must be very hard on both you and your husband, who feels he has a family duty to support his brother, but the brother really isnt your responsibility, and you have to put the welfare of your children, and your immediate family life first.

Some sort of assisted housing would be the best all round solution, as you cannot reasonably be expected to take on full care of your BIL.

jade80 · 29/12/2011 13:39

I know it sounds harsh, but he isn't really your responsibility. You're not blood related, yet will land up caring for him anyway, as you're at home?! If you worked and your dh stayed at home with him and the kids then maybe fair enough. But why should you have to totally rearrange your life for someone you are only linked to by marriage? Especially when his family have not been truthful/warned you about his behaviour e.g. with the phone/laptop. SO not your problem. A week visiting as a nice gesture- a lot of work, but fine. You looking after him long term, managing his interaction with the kids, not being able to leave him in the house alone... well if you want to take that on then you're a more selfless person than me. once MIL passes away/becomes too inform do you want this responsibility for the rest of your life? I think it is time to start talking MIL round to the benefits of sheltered accommodation, unless your DH fancies a more home based role.

lljkk · 29/12/2011 13:39

YANBU to think you are completely unprepared to look after him. And he is high specialist needs. Your DH definitely should take some time off to help the BIL settle for any sort of extended visit, and to help you learn how to cope.

He sounds like a bad tempered 10yo. They eagerly look for porn too, ime. Needs to be treated like a child, for sure.

Good luck, whatever you decide. Needs to be a joint decision how to proceed & none of us can tell you what's best for you both.

theincredibequeenofwands · 29/12/2011 13:42

Christ! I'm more hacked off with your DH and MIL calling you 'stupid' for lettting him use things.

You didn't know, it all sounded reasonable to me. Unless someone tells you he has a sex/porn habit you're not going to realise that laptops and phones aren't for him to use.

Will you be comfortable around him while he has such a sex obsession? You need to feel happy in your own home.

Either way. Don't let them speak to you like that again while you're doing your best to help. It's not on!!

elliejjtiny · 29/12/2011 13:44

Tricky one. In some ways I can relate to your MIL as I have 2 children who have special needs (physical though so different from your situation) and 1 who doesn't and I worry about their future, how much care the younger 2 will need and how much of that ds1 will end up doing. On the other hand I sympathise with you as it sounds like your BIL seeds a lot of supervision and definately not able to provide you with free babysitting. Could MIL try and suggest respite as something fun for BIL to do? DH's cousin goes somewhere during the day that is like a playscheme but for adults with learning disabilities where they do craft, sports, cooking etc. There are also college courses that might be appropriate.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 29/12/2011 13:45

I would only agree to this if my husband had the time off work to look after him - he will be at work and will have no idea of the impact otherwise.

Maybe thats his plan - that you do the work??

Have you got a spare bedroom for him? I wouldn't be moving my own children out of their rooms as it is totally unfair on them when this is going to be a disruption to their lives.

How safe is he really with your children? if he is unpredictable would he lash out at them??

How long would it be EXACTLY - as you said the end date could be moved.

I sound selfish but I am a nurse and do this job for a living and NO WAY could I become a 24/7 carer to any grown adult.