to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

You are truly a saint.

At this point I would totally lose the plot and I would make threats that if she ever pulled a stunt like this again I would report her to the police for abandonment or whatever they call it.

'wasn't ideal'?! WTAF.

She hasn't got a clue, has she?

My God. How you didn't slap her, I don't know - well done for your admirable restraint and maturity.

So - she's basically "got away with it", has no remorse for dumping your DH in the poo and he's just all "oh that's fine Mummy, whatever"? Unimpressive. Perhaps he'd be less so if his work had been less understanding - but I can guarantee that if that ever happens again, they really won't be as understanding a second time.

So sorry for you, really. I do hope that SS continue to be involved and that your BIL gets some outside help.

I think I'd be fuming with your DH as well as MIL by now.

I really hope you get something longer term sorted out, I remember your previous post about finding out he had Feotal Alcohol Syndrome

Well done. Now time to disengage. She's not going to listen to you, nor to your DH, and BIL may (or more likely may not) be allowed to get his benefit money and his little job. Plus you've trained DH not to ask how high when MIL tells him to jump. That's probably as far as you'll get for now, and pushing someone manipulative beyond their comfort level tends to be counter-productive.

But you guys have stayed united, have set boundaries and it's all on record at the GPs and social services. So she'll think twice before trying to offload BIL on you again and it may be a bit easier to get help if there's a next time.

She's a horrible fucking bitch.

I think the time has come to stop pandering to her.

And really, your DH talks to his Mommy EVERY DAY?

Get him to grow the fuck up.

I re-read that and didn't mean the post to look heartless. Your BIL will need outside help sooner or later, but you and DH organising it when your MIL would do anything to obstruct help is probably impossible at this stage.

I would imagine the next step is to let you feel bad about neglecting BIL, while MIL re-takes control of her boys. Then you and DH can disagree about what's best, neatly making you the bad guy. With a back-up plan of "everyone's picking on poor little me", if the first strategy fails.

You'll only help her (and the rest of you) by setting very clear boundaries, limiting your emotional involvement and choosing battles carefully. A fair fight with a guaranteed win might be worth trying, but I don't think this is it.

MIL has basically gotten exactly what she wanted.

Your DH is now taking on a much greater caring role for his brother while she retains control of what services BIL is able to access.

Fucking hell.

Hello OP. I have been following this thread with a mixture of horror and admiration. I just had to say i think you have behaved incredibly. And while i do have sympathies with you MIL i think her statements on her return have eroded most good will that anyone would have.

She has given you typical politicians answers, not taking any responsibility at all. 'Not ideal' as if it was something that just happened not something she had complete control over. SHE felt ambushed!? Hadn't she 'ambushed' you with this whole obviously pre planned scenario. Seriously I cannot believe your DH hasn't been more angry with her.

If i were you i would tell her to go fuck herself be very cool from now on and i would also be suspicious of her motivations.

Sadly i can't imagine anything will change. Poor you.

She has pulled it off, yes. All that's really changed is that DH is absolutely crushed. Though this might be useful in the future, I need to hold on to that.

AThingInYourLife they communicate (usually emails), most days yes. She asks about the DCs or for tech support, that sort of thing. It's hard for me to think anything but good things about DH at the moment though we have had huge rows about MIL and BIL's situation before - in fact it's pretty much all we do argue about. DH is very brainwashed - the man of the family, the protector, poor MIL she's given up so much.

I do think this last fortnight or so has changed that a lot but watching him be so devastated is torture for me and must be unbearable to live, for him.

I don't know what to do for the best. I think changing the focus from MIL to BIL will be valuable. Reinforcing the relationship between DH and BIL. Because BIL DOES have his own thoughts and feelings and his own agency and if he and DH have a more 'direct' relationship we might be able to enact some real change.

I hope.

DH is angry. But mostly he's sad. That's worse I think - for him. But I do think he's questioning the status quo in very fundamental ways. He's always been quite passive and accepting and now his worldview has tilted on its axis. I don't want to push him right now, but I do think he and I are on the same page now, moreso than ever before on this topic.

you sound lovely - good luck :)

Oh :(

I agree with HoldMe - MIL caused all of this stress, worry, upset - trouble with DH's work etc and now increased care for BIL by DH & DH just goes 'Ok Mummy'...

I would be LIVID with him. Absolutely LIVID.

Bloody hell sonot, she really is a piece of work, isn't she. 'Wasn't ideal'? I think I would have lost the plot at that comment!

I think you have been amazing in how you've dealt with this, both in how you've coped with the practicalities, but also in supporting your DH (even though you've had some disagreements). Your love for him and empathy for his suffering has really shone through in your posts - it seems to me that you are really lucky to have each other.

I hope that some good does come out of this mess in that DBIL has had a taste of what life could be like, and MIL may find it difficult to isolate him again. Also, although it's been a hard and painful lesson for your DH, this has given him a huge wake-up call about MIL.

Gosh, she is a piece of work, isn't she? Her attitude to your dh's work predicament is unbelievable. How could she?

You're even more of a saint than I thought!

Sonotready, I am glad in a way that your DH is in a different place after all, despite seemingly the same on the surface. He needs to hold on to how badly she has let him and his brother down, and without any hint of remorse. That will help strengthen his resolve to help his brother.

I do hope that you can both between you make sure that your BIL has a better future in terms of socialising, work, etc. and that your MIL at some point realises what an awful thing she did to you all.

Sonot, be really careful not to get sucked in. Some people have trouble not being in total control of things and can end up playing a lot of games and being quite manipulative when they have problems. The absolute unreasonableness of the whole situation is probably meant to provoke you and DH, and maybe even BIL.

You and DH can refuse to play and make something positive. "Listen to what the other person is saying, but decide later how to react, in a way that serves the true purpose and goals that you set before. Stay on purpose, don't be diverted into a tug-of-war" was some advice I have always found useful. American health workers use this set of techniques.

Or of course, drive MIL back to the airport, re-play the original 'ambush' in the way you wanted: tell her off, slap her and pop her back on the plane .

sorry to ask but what is your DH so "absolutely crushed" over??

maria that's a really interesting link. The description of Mrs D reminds me of my late grandmother.

I think the best thing now is to lie low with regards to MIL. Keep on all the plans you have to do with contacting BIL more etc, but wait until the dust settles before you have anymore conversations re SS. When everything has calmed down your DH may feel stronger and in a better place to discuss the long term issues with MIL. For BIL sake this can't all be brushed under the carpet until another crisis happens or he is too old to adapt. Try to let DH do all the talking but you need to be present to provide support for your DH who will be less likely to back down knowing your thoughts on the subject and that you will witness any capitulation/weakness on his part.

Now that BIL is keen to do "jobs" for the neighbours, would it be possible for him to be "employed" by one of these centres that provide jobs for those with learning/physical difficulties?

I too think you and DH have behaved admirably throughout. Good luck and keep us up to date with any developments.

snr - I'm very glad to hear you are home without BIL. I'm really sorry to hear that despite this your MIL got exactly what she wanted. She must be delighted. And now she's telling you not to go on about it.

For the next few months, if it was me, I'd show her that serious harm had been done - to my relationship with her. I'd have a lot less to do with either BiL or MiL. I'd write a letter, explaining how her manipulative behaviour had affected you all, that she - not BiL - was responsible for it. I then wouldn't take her phone calls or letters or any contact. As for DH, concentrate now on sorting things out at work and at home not with iLs. Phone calls to BiL at set time during the day on his mobile - again ZERO contact with MiL until he had received a full apology.

However, you and your DH sound nicer than me!

Be careful, MiL sounds like a powerful operator. It seems as though you/DH will have to work hard on defining your boundaries. If she can take that attitude to DH's job, she's not got much respect for your lives, has she?

You and your DH are amazing. I am in awe of you.

I am gobsmacked... "not ideal"??? NOT IDEAL THAT YOU COMPLETELY FAILED TO PHONE OR CONTACT US FOR DAYS AND DH WAS PANICKING YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY BE DEAD????

Anyway.

You and your DH need to breathe for a bit and focus back on your own lives. Then, when you're good and ready to approach the subject again, you and DH can discuss plans for BIL in the event that MIL goes AWOL again / becomes ill / is no longer able to take care of BIL for whatever reason - and given your concerns about MIL's mortgage, the plan needs to account for BIL not being able to stay there either. Right at the beginning you said that DH's head was a bit in the sand - his attitude was that MIL would be around to look after BIL long into the future, you didn't need to make any back-up plans now. Well, she's just proven that you DO need to make back-up plans now, in case anything similar ever happens again.

Well done for getting through such a difficult and stressful situation. Also i really admire your approach to focus on BIL not MIL now.

Has she been able to reassure you that there will not be a repeat performance? Or has she simply confirmed (in her own mind) that you were all able to cope splendidly without her and that she therefore can take more unscheduled breaks if she wants to.

There must be some backstory as to how a woman of your MIL's age manages to be in negative equity. That is not easy to do.

It is another indication of her poor decision making. I don't think you will ever be able to make her see things rationally, from your point of view. Just give yourselves a break from all this, maybe a weekend away. Then consider practical steps like seeking to have your DH named as BIL's guardian.

Best of luck