to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

What a dilemma op. Poor you. Basically you are going to end up his main carer and so you are the person who should be making the choices unless dh is planning to give up work.
An appropriate residential setting may be more suitable for him and help him to live a more fullfilling life whilst maintaining positive family relationships.

Op - you might have always known this was on the cards but that doesn't make it right. Your BIL should have had honesty all along - it would probably even answer some questions that he might have about himself. You cannot have another grown man in your home - you only married one. It's not for you to clean up your MIL's mess - she should have handled this properly all along and got proper help for them both.

WHile the OP might have known that she would be involved in the care of the BIL at some point, I doubt she realised from the beginning that she should expect to be appointed his sole carer and forbidden to seek professional help. OP you need to insist that the professionals are involved before your BIL comes to visit. Those must be your terms. Expecting you to 'cover up' for his SN is putting your DC at risk.

I really think that if he comes to live you, it's your husband who needs to be his carer not you. Trying to imagine how I would feel in this scenario and it is just...well, I know if it was my brother, I'd expect that I'd be the one caring for him. Not my partner.

You need to make it very clear what you need and want: do not get press ganged into this, and do no let him come and live for a few weeks only for it to extend into the rest of your life.

Why doesn't MIL want to tell him about his birth disability? I really don't understand why he hasn't been explained to with regards to his dificulties.

I think there may be more going on here, it just seems bizarre that MIL has done this and in doing so avoided any help. Do you know what exactly happened at his birth?

Well DH and I have had a huge row about it down the bottom of the garden :(

Away from his MIL's house he says many of the things you (and I), say, he's right-headed about it, but in context... he doesn't understand why I am 'obsessing' about something which 'won't be an issue for years'.

So the visit is off, sonotready? If it isn't off, this isn't something that won't be an issue for years, it's an issue for right now.

And frankly, despite her bizarre actions, your MIL deserves a better quality of life, as does your BIL. A respite solution needs to be found. Dumping him with you for a few weeks is not a solution.

it is already an issue, as BIL has succeessfully stolen from you, lied to you, used your laptop to access porn.
I would insist on professional help for him. It is not for his mother to refuse; it is not in anyones interest but hers. BIL must be extremely confused at best.

Respite care etc needs to be looked into, it is unfair of your mil to expect you to look after him

Sonotready, I really feel for you. It is an awful situation that you find yourself in.

My eldest BIL has some form of LD. I suspect autism. When he was at primary school his teachers wanted to get an Ed psych in to do some observations etc. (This was 45 years ago mind so he must have really been causing a concern) but my FIL refused permission. BIL has no idea he is 'different' but suffers from depression. He has been under the influence of some 'friends' who have bullied him and takne what little money he has. He cannot live independently although he lives alone in his own house.... his parents mange his money and provide his meals.
Recently they have been given a minimum carers allowance for him as there were problems at a charity he volunteered at, he made inappropriate remarks to the women there, the charity bosses got involved and SS helpied my PILs see that they might need help in the future. He is now listed as a vulnerable adult with the police etc.
I really worry for his future, he still thinks he will have a family and settle down one day (he's 50) and he thinks he should be executor of his parents' will as he is the oldest child. He thinks he will inherit the house as he is the oldest child.

So, OP, YADNBU!

I think the visit is off yes. MIL hasn't pressed for a yes/no nor told BIL and we're off home tomorrow. Don't know for sure if she and DH have discussed it between them though.

But it's an issue anyway. V present issue.

I looked up the school and in its present incarnation its "a place where learning is shaped around your hopes and aspirations; where our courses are tailored to meet your goals and where you are supported by a highly skilled staff team who respect your choices and lifestyle" (don't want to name it here but can be googled with that phrase easily), but no idea what it was like in the 80s/90s nor how it would've been approached with BIL.

I am so angry with DH right now, he is so passive and non-commital about it all. Like if he can't see it it won't happen.

Makes me wonder what would happen if one of the DCs was or became disabled :(

My DD suffered a birth injury, and yes it can cause a wide range of physical and behavioural problems.

Yadnbu with regards wanting a plan, a date of how long this 'visit' might last for, and I would not leave your children alone with your bil. I intend to have more children but hope that I can avoid the situation you find yourselves in, thank you for posting as it has reminded me of how important it is I develop a plan for the future.

I think that there are many services which could be accessed,m how many are suitable I don't know. As for the lend of the laptop, mobile etc, how the f are you meant to know you shouldn't lend them? That would be a prime reason for me to say no until you know more about what to expect

OP, what a sorry state of affairs for all of you.

FWIW, I wonder if rather than be expicitly told that he has LDs, if your MIL (and others) have always told him that he was just like other kids, boys, young men. Say, in response to someone name calling, he was told that they were wrong, not to listen to them and there was nothing wrong with him. I have seen this scenario played out before and it does no one any good.

I'm quite sure that your BIL is aware that he is different but if no one else in his life acknowledges it, then how can he.

I'm sure that your DH is aware that you are making sense but to get to that place is going to involve totally turning everything on its head and he is reluctant to do so.

My previous post, I referred to Legal Guardianship but this is only relevent in Scotland. You may find this information and website interesting. www.understandingindividualneeds.com/page.php?identity=consent

I havent read all the posts so I am sorry if I am repeating something.

If your BIL comes to stay AND your OH takes the time off to be with him for at least a week or two, it may well bring home to your OH what the situation is.

If his mother does all the caring and then you take responsibilty when he visits how will OH really understand what level of care his brother needs.

Whatever happens a proper plan needs to be made. You could contact MENCAP and discuss options with them. YOu cant make decisions but at least you could get an idea of what is available. YOur BIL will not be the only adult who 'doesnt think there is anything wrong with him'.

That school sounded lovely! It has specialised in children with learning disabilities since 1956. Since the boy would have been at school with such individuals, it seems odd that he reacted badly to special needs groups in adulthood. Giving in to the temptation to guess things I can't possibly know (oops) - it does rather seem as though his mother's moulded his thoughts to fit her own fantasy. Can't make life any easier for anybody, really, can it? :(

Have my best wishes along with everyone else's, sonotready. Please do seek expert advice form as many sources as you can manage; currently you're all a bit in the dark and that's not helpful. You're going to have to drag DH kicking & screaming into the real world - I do hope he gets the picture and helps you come up with a genuinely constructive response.

Maryz suggestion is good, maybe MIL could go away for a break and your DH could take time off to spend with his brother?

Your DH needs to stop (a) burying his head in the sand, (b) do some research, seek advice (not just take his mum's word for everything) and (c) stop expecting you to do all the work. He is out of order.

Just another YANBU. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. You might be the "baddie' for a while but it will be in everybody's best interests- not just your own. Your MIL and DH are too emotionally involved and can't see the wood for the trees. A SS assessment will allow all available options to be looked at intellectually rather than emotionally. Please show this thread to your DH when you are at home and he can see things more logically. A really difficult situation but a realistic long term solution needs to be found. The older your BIL gets the more difficult it will be for him to adjust so it needs to continue to be an issue now rather than being brushed under the carpet. As others have said, it might be easier for BIL to understand his own emotions if he knows the truth. It could even be a relief for him and help him to "make sense of his world" and peoples reactions to him.

has MIL ever stated he has fetal alcohol syndrome? Or is it something you think is a possibility? People with FAS have facial features, you can look it up. People with Fetal Alcohol Effects have a milder mainfestation of it. It can take just one binge drinking session to cause it. It is very prevalent in the Native American people in the states.

YANBU, in fact you are doing everyone a favour by being realistic about what is being asked of you. It sounds as if your DH is in complete denial - with your MIL not far behind. As a GP, I have seen this time & time again: families take in relatives with needs of all sorts without considering the true impact of caring. Yes, being a carer can be intensely rewarding (I was a carer for my disabled dad) but it is very tough and can put an intolerable strain on marriages and families.

As others have said, by all means have your BIL to stay for a couple of weeks - your MIL deserves a break - but insist on a pre-agreed time limit and insist that your DH and MIL help you plan for the time when your BIL can no longer live with your MIL.

You have to do what is best for your family, and only you and your DH will know what that is

Upon saying that I hope and pray with all I have, that any future Son In Law of mine doesn't feel this way about my DD looking after my DS (who has CP and Learning Difficulties) with that I will leave.

thegirlwithnoname. I can understand how you feel that way. Obviously you love your Ds and want the best for him but is it really fair on your DD to put that burden on her and her future family? Unfortunately it's a no win situation and you have my deepest sympathy.

I would not take on care for your BIL .

It's very sad , and I have sympathy for all of your family ...but don't do this.
Your dc are your priority here. Mil need to get her head out of her arse and do what is best for her son .

She needs to tell him he has LD /Sn.
She need to contact sw and arrange respite and future looking after bil.
She should not expect her other son ( dh) to take responsibility for his brother, its not fair on anyone.

I'm saying this as a mother to an autistic , globally developmentally delayed dd.

No way in hell will any of my other children be made look after dd when I and dh are dead. Dd has a trust fund ,which we pay into to help cover her future care costs and she will be helped understand that she is a bit different and needs help from x,y and z .

Because dd is disabled and cannot live the life she would have ,if she were "normal" , doesn't mean my other kids should suffer extra stresses of her care. Yes they might want to be in constant contact , and make sure the people who will provide Dds future care ,are doing it to a good standards.
But I do not want my Dds disability to ruin my other children's lives. They have already given up so much having her as a sister .( they love her to bits , but it's hard on them at times).I love all my children , and want what is best for all of them.

Your mil is being very unfair .