to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

I'm curious as to why the repeated mentions of FAS have been ignored rather than denied by the OP?

That was another thread. Maybe even if it IS the same poster, she doesn't want the link made on the www. That is fair enough.

I think that you and DH need to have a plan for the next time MIL goes AWOL. You will; contact the GP; contact LD team at your local SS; kennel animals and so on. Then DH can tell MIL this plan and this is the hard bit follow through next time MIL is ill or buggers off. She will have boundaries and BIL will have a care plan. DH and you have to be on the same page. Good luck.

Clearly your MIL is responsible for your BILs condition and is trying to pass the guilt on.

She is a bad mother and an evil evil woman

Rabid -that is uncalled for. Even if BIl does have FAS, the link with drinking in pregnancy was not well known 35 years ago.

The OPs MIL has cared for her son simgle handed for many years. Supportig him herself and not relying on the tax payer. allowing his brother to havd a normal family life , free of carimg responsibilities.

She is perhaps misguided and manipulative and certaninly stressed but not evil. Once you have cared for a family member for 35 years, coem back here and judge her

Ditziness, that reference was made by another poster and was speculative. It is entirely possible that the FAS thread gave a similar circumstance but completely unrelated people.

Jeez sonotready having read this I think you need an award for having to deal with this.

First of all I am so sorry that this is having an impact on your marriage and I think you and dh need to prioritise that. He needs to see that what should be important to him is you and the dcs. He does have a responsibility to his brother but that doesn't mean caring full time for him or expecting you to do the same.

MIL's behaviour is perhaps a huge flag that she is not coping at all. She probably expected you to take BiL home and she would get her way at last. She is very controlling obviously but enough is enough. You and dh need to pull together, go over her head if necessary and deal with the situation directly with the authorities or make sure that dh's phone calls to his brother are your only contact.

Otherwise you will all end up with mental health issues. It goes with the territory.

Word of warning from someone who is currently dealing with the situation. Social workers will do whatever they can to make you feel suicidal, they will try and force you into situations and into making decisions that suit their agenda not yours. I speak from the place of dealing with one at the moment regarding my elderly mother and I have been at my lowest point for weeks now thanks to her constant bullying tactics. They don't subtract from the stress but add to it.

Contact your local carers association, they will give you all the information and advice you need to make an informed decision as to where you want this to go. They may also have an advocate who will step in and help you further in sorting out this situation. Mine has been a godsend when I felt at the end of my tether with nowhere else to go.

All in all though you are in the right and you are doing fantastically well but now it is time to concentrate on you and yours.

Another one amazed and awed by your restraint in handling MIL,impressive!

Still think DH has head buried in sand though, his handling is much less impressive.

Any update?

Another one wondering how it's going here?

Bump.

Another bump from me. An update would be great if you are up to it OP.

Any update?

Bump for an enthralling thread.

It would be good to hear how things have moved on (for the better,I hope).

Bump again - how's it going OP?

Thankyou very much to the poster who let me know this thread was being bumped - I had no idea, it wasn't on threads I'm on.

I really appreciate your concern. Things are okay. DH speaks to BIL twice a week, regularly, which BIL really appreciates. DH and the DCs went down to MIL's house for a couple of days over half-term. I didn't go because, well, I am angry and she's angry with me - but the DCs had a great time.

The nice GP was good at his word and although BIL reacted badly to the gentle questioning and suggestions about his needs, he is 'on the radar' and the GP said he was concerned about his smoking and could he come in once every eight weeks for a checkup. BIL accepted that (I think he quite likes it), and the aim is that the GP will build a relationship with BIL and vice-versa.

BIL is also out every other weekend with the neighbour. MIL isn't very happy about that - she said BIL was being 'exploited' - BIL, bless him, said he wanted to keep working. DH intervened and neighbour is now paying BIL and BIL has dinner at the neighbour's house on the days he's out there.

Importantly, BIL is learning a skill.

On a personal level I wish more progress had been made but DH (predictably), doesn't want to antagonise or upset MIL. However, he is committed to forging a more direct relationship with BIL so that's a big positive.

Haven't read your thread fully, but my brother recently passed away at 50 of lung cancer. Disabled, living with my parents most of his life. They couldn't cope so they effectively kept him as quiet as possible, meaning he never took any risks, was never able to become independent.

I believe they prevented him from reaching his full potential, I tried all I could to get them to understand that he could live independently etc, but eventually they were too old to rock the boat, it would have killed them to see a big change. In the end he died before they did. It was not until I learnt about disability equality etc, that I realised how wrong this all was - but it's not black and white.

At one point I remember saying to my DM 'I'm not going to pick up the pieces after you've died'. I knew that if he stayed in the position he was in for too long he wouldn't be able to change and he would be forever dependent.

Clingy parents are the worst people to look after disabled adult children. For that reason I'm going to set up a 'panel' of people to make decisions on my daughter's behalf when she's 21 (also disabled). I don't think one person should be left with responsibilities like this because there is too much emotional involvement and in any case we all go through times in our lives where stuff takes over. I wonder if you can set something up like that and involve another potential carer as backup in case you can't manage one day?

So my advice is to cut out the middle man, as you seem to be doing. Keep MIL well out of the future plans. She needs to 'hand over'. But do take on the responsibility, it is simply the right thing to do - it seems you are doing that and I wish you the very best with it all.