to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

TheProvincialLady I (nor DH), wasn't involved in the residential school so I don't know what went on there. BIL certainly has no idea there is something 'wrong' with him.

Recently he and I have had a discussion about GCSEs - he seems to be under the impression that the reason DH did exams and went to uni and he didn't 'get to go' is because MIL needed him around to help with the garden/pets :(

I don't know what has been discussed with him over the years or how much he's thought about it or what conclusions he has come to in his own mind.

If she was asking him to have him fulltime from now MrsCambell I think DH would do that, or insist on being made BIL's official carer. But what's being proposed is some sort of open-ended 'visit'.

BIL, by the way, doesn't want to come! He said so today. God knows what's going on.

It sounds like along the way, your MIL has actually made your BILs problems worse. She is enabling him, and she is potentially putting him at risk too by not facing up to the reality of his abilities.

And if he was enabled to go to a residential school which was, I assume, specifically for kids with some kind of disability, and hasn't clocked why he was there himself, there is some major mutual denial going on

This isn't fair on you or your children.

If your DH has fantasies about "rescuing" his brother while his mum his away, he should be looking into doing that while staying with his mum, not in your home, if he does them at all.

I second taking advice from a charity like Mencap or Scope before doing anything at all. The situation sounds horrifically complicated.

Personally as the mother of two kids with SN I believe in telling kids (who have the understanding) what their difficulties are and I think mil has been very cruel not to. Your poor bil! Not your fault at all I know but perhaps this situation wouldn't have arisen had she been honest with him from the start

Well, if I were you, the options I would be looking at would be the following:

1, Take on BIL, in the understanding that he would be MY responsibility to manage, as I am a sahm and look after children and house. But as he is not MY relative, I would have no say at all in what I do or how I handle things. Be aware that my husband is at work, and will give me no support. I will know this, from my experience with him on the issue of his brother.

2, Consider life as a single mum with only my own children and myself to look after.

Seriously. They are taking a piss even considering that YOU look after your bil. (alcoholic fetal syndrome, per chance?)

How would your husband react if you were to print this thread out and show it him?

Are there any close friends who could talk calmly and rationally with him, and make him see that this really is not a viable option for the sake of his family.

If I remember rightly and you have posted before, is the MILs problem partly because she feels that the disabilities were somehow her fault due to her actions while pregnant? (apologies if I got that completely wrong, but I remember a very very similar thread).

OP do you think your BIL actually knows about his condition?

It is interesting to me that he lies consciously and avoids getting into trouble by running away/ making up stories to distance himself from things he's done.

He also reacts in an overly negative way it seems when in a situation with other people with SN - the service users in the OP, the people on the gardening course.

Do you think these reactions are at all, even subconsciously, staged because he suspects he is different and is afraid of being sent away or something?

I mean, he does not sound stupid and he must have noticed that he is in his 30s and does not have things that other men his age have. I wonder if he and MIL are a bit co-dependent in this respect...

I agree with Stuffedaubergine ..... keeping BIL's condition from him may be making his situation worse than it needs to be. All of us, whatever our mental/emotional capacities need to know how we fit in - in our families, and in the wider community/society. He obviously does sound reasonably high functioning - had a job, is computer literate and so on ..... I wonder what he thinks about his life, i.e. why, at the age he is, he doesn't have a job, and still lives with his mum ? Maybe those thoughts don't occur to him, or maybe they do ? Maybe he feels confused and frustrated because he realises his life is different to the vast majority of other men his age, but is scared (as alluded to) of confronting the reality as his understanding of others who also don't quite "fit in" is skewed or biased. Who knows ? ..... but all this is expert territory and had MIL been more open over the years - both directly to him, and in accessing all the available help, BIL could be quite a different man .... maybe he would feel more at peace with himself, and understand his own limitations - or abilities for that matter - and be less prone to violent outbursts, or similarily, with the right support, have been more able to take responsible/moral decisions. So yes - proper professional assessment is vital and MIL is being cruel to block this - who knows how different his life could have been had she not been in such (selfish?) denial ? I actually feel very sorry for him.

But you ..... no way should you feel bad for having the reservations you do. This isn't your problem and as things stand, your MIL is being unbelievably selfish in expecting you to take on such a huge and potentially damaging (in all sorts of ways) responsibility which would change your life completely even if things didn't go "wrong".

Haven't read the whole thread but I am supporting the OP - YANBU!

My concern would be what if the mil didn't collect the BIL after a 2 week break ...!!!!!

I think the DH and mil need to look at alternative methods of care.

Sorry I know you have said he doesn't know, but I mean do you think he says he doesn't but deep down suspects or something?

Don't do this. You CAN contact the Adults with disabilities team of Social Services near where your MIL and BIL live, and explian that you think they need more support, as your MIL isn't coping. Explain that your BIL attended xxx school, but currently has no Care Plan in place, and as you are being asked to possibly become his carer, you wish to have a discussion about what services and help and respite is available. If you put it that way, then 1) Your BIL and MIL will be 'on the radar', and 2) they may be able to tell you where to go for some advice for your DH.

And I am assuming you are the poster who previously posted about FAS?

What age are your children?

I personally wouldn't be comfortable at leaving them unsupervised with a young man with learning difficulties and an enthusiasm for porn.

Sorry.

It's really hard for me to make a call about what BIL might know or suspect.

I know from my own dysfunctional family (totally different issues of course), that if you are raised with some things being Absolute Truths it often doesn't occurr to you to question until something happens and/or you're out of the situation - and BIL never has been, and DH only was recently.

I can imagine how I would think and feel if my older brother was off doing exams and getting a job and I was at home with my mum and my only experiences with other people around my age seemed to be with people with disabilities... but I don't know how BIL's mind joins the dots, he seems to think he is caring for MIL/the house/the garden so it might be that he thinks any differences are down to MIL.

But it's equally hard for me to imagine that during his life there haven't been moments when someone's said something to him, or he's seen something, and stuff has occurred... but he might be internalising it, it might be too much for him to grasp. It's certainly not something I could ever challenge to him, I have no idea what damage that could do.

OTOH it might be a huge relief to him! I can't know!

squeakytoy I think DH would be okay if he read this thread... I might show it to him. He can be rational and horrified about MIL, he often is in fact, but it's hard when he's on her turf and on the spot.

The MIL really has made a rod for her own back here, but that doesn't entitle her to turn it into a rod for yours. I'm sorry for your BIL, too, poor bastard doesn't seem to have had much of a chance to acheive his full potential. But that doesn't mean you should have to sacrifice your family life and wellbeing to taking care of him as he really doesn't sound safe to have around. Sending your H to stay with MIL and BIL fora week is a good first step, it should convince your H that just because you are his wife does not make you magically capable of taking on any extra work he feels entitled to land you with.

Oh gosh, I didn't mean you should talk to BIL!! I just wondered, you know - if that was why he was so het up about other people with SN. You know, that he might have some repressed knowledge which he is terrified of confronting.

I do think you should show your DH this thread. I think the points about BIL's well being are particularly relevant - I feel really sorry for him and can see you do too - as SGB says he has not been able to live his own life because of assumptions others have made about him - he might be able to hold down a proper job and have more independence instead of being a permanent cat-carer :(

think the point about your DC should be made too, what if next time he sets the kitchen on fire your DC are there and accidentally get trapped or something?

...And re your DH and what he knows/ is prepared to confront - my experience of dysf families is that often everyone really does know the truth but won't say it.

My dad is the youngest child in his family and his dad died before I was born so I'm the only grandchild who never met Granddad. Growing up we had photos of him and everyone went on about how lovely he was, spent time with his grandkids, made handmade toys for them etc.

In fact he had raped his daughter, my aunt when she was an adolescent. She (obviously) knew this, my grandmother told me herself, and my dad and her children (my cousins) also know but no one will say it. My grandmother kept sweet photos of him to the end of her life despite the fact that she actually sent my aunt away to get her out of his reach and my aunt let him play with her own DC despite knowing what he had done to her.

Total denial but they really did all know.

But OP does say that at one point, BIL was living on his own, but there were problems, which would have no doubt helped to confirm in MILs mind that he needs to be "protected". Sadly, rather than allow outside experts and professionals to help her, she has shut the door on them, and made what could have been a much easier on-going situation into what is now going to be a huge problem for all involved.

It does sound as though it would be (and was) easy for this man/child to be exploited by others if he was given too much freedom, but the other end of the scale is not doing any good either.

Just an odd thought - are you sure he is disabled? Is it clear he has a disability? Could it be the way he has been brought up? You say the school was residential, have you looked it up? Has he been diagnosed?

I could be very wrong, probably am, but it does seem odd.

Omg what you describe is a person being kept like some kind of prisoner/pet hybrid. It is cruel and dehumanising. It is totally unethical for your mil and dp to lie to bil.

Reminds me of Boo Radley!

I think it depends on how severe his learning difficulties are, to know whether it is fair to keep it from him, it must be very difficult to deal with, as a parent, and a brother..

For most of us, we can accept and we understand that we are not going to be on the same intelligence scale as a top scientist, or Stephen Hawkin for example, but how do you explain to someone why they are not able to do what others take for granted as a "normal" level of intelligence and ability.

Lying, and being economic with the truth are a fine line. Tact and sensitivity are also something that need to be considered.

I dont for a moment imagine that the MIL has done anything out of spite, or with malicious intent, but out of a sense of misguided devotion to her son. Sadly, it is not going to be helpful to him and has been handled very badly from what has been posted.

I had to post OP, as my bother is pretty much exactly the same as your BIL,

He's done the same thing with the sex-lines a million times - obviously now my dad has blocked those numbers, dosnt let him have a contract phone,
Only the other week, my brother ordered a prostitute round to the house wilst we were all in, tried paying for it on my dads credit card, but the names didnt match, and the he didnt know the pin, ended up with my dads card being charged around a thousand pounds, and my dad having to shell out petrol money to get the girl and her 'manager' back home.

I totally understand where your coming from, its unbelievably hard to live with someone with that kind of problem, and someday, i bet i will have to look after my brother.

I dont want to be flamed for saying this, but honestly, i would really, really think about it, i wouldnt blame you at all if you said no.

Hope everything works out!