to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

I think the main problem here is your MIL unfortunately, she clearly has issues of her own and is in denial, and that is going to be the hugest hurdle. She isnt going to listen to anyone who tries to advise her, and all I can say is thank god her parents had the foresight to plan that trust fund the way they did!

How about the uncle? can he help in any way?

So she doesn't want you being any kind of 'influence' but is more than willing for you to open up your home, your life, and care for her son?

I would say you have more than enough right to have a say in what goes on.

So your MIL is suspicious of you when it comes to money but all of a sudden trusts you when it comes to caring for her disabled son. Is she rewriting all the "rules" when it comes to his care or just the parts that suit her?!!

By the sounds of it, you'd not only be letting your BIL (with all his needs and concerns) into your home, but your MIL too... you better believe she will want control even from afar. And you will NEVER do as well as she has done.

Honestly, get the correct authorities involved, for everyone's sake. You are not obliged to become a slave in your own home.

OP dont do this. It will cause resentment to build and build and could end your marriage.

Completely agree that YANBU. I also agree your DH should go and stay there for a week and spend the whole week being the carer. I think this a) would give your MIL a break; b) would give your DH a much more realistic idea of what he is asking you to do; c) might persuade him to explain to his mother that her denial is unsustainable. I think it is much easier to 'show' him than tell him. And haven't you got enough on your plate with two DC to look after?

You might be the baddie for a little while, but I don't think your DH has thought it through? How much responsibility has he had in the past for BIL? Has he ever been responsible for him for more than a few hours?

You need to involve the correct authorities now and tell them that you are being bullied into this.

Agree with those saying contact Social Services. Probably wise to contact specialist organisation (eg Scope??) before that to ensure his rights/interests are respected too, or there's a danger he becomes a problem to be solved

YANBU. Having him for a week or two is the thin end of the wedge - and it sounds as though MIL gets breaks by going out to work.

SS need to get involved together with the family GP, there needs to be some assessment of the situation for all of you. MIL will never accept any form of respite if you and DH are there in the background. He is MIL's problem, he needs proper diagnosing, proper assessment and possibly proper occupational health advice in relation to just living and there needs to be a plan for when MIL is older. It may be that care ends up having to be put in as MIL declines. It is not a foregone conclusion that you should have to care for him and this may be wholly inappropriate whilst you have dependent children.

By all means when MIL is inacapacitated he can move nearer to you guys but there needs to be a proper care in plan in place.

Actually I second the advice of the person who said to think about getting a job. My MIL announced when the dc were tiny that she would never expect her daughters to look after her when she was old (well you wouldn't would you when you are such an old bag they left for different continents after uni). This was in response to me saying that as an only child it would be my duty to look after my mum when the time came especially as my mum nursed her own mum for 8 years. That rather left it down to me. I went back to work sharpish - oddly enough I have my own life, my own money and when I look at the other mums of 50 something who never went back a lot more choices and freedoms.

YANBU

I wouldn't do this in your position and I think its very very wrong of your mil to try and make you and your DH care for his brother - it is not the sibling's responsibility.

It just seems very strange that he went to a residential school but now she won't involve SS - does he not have a formal diagnosis from childhood?

I don't want BIL to live with us.

The only possible thing in the plus column that I can see is that if we got him away from MIL we could involve the proper agencies. Presumably though she could prevent that ultimately.

But there is no way I could or would care for him fulltime. I'm not capable and he would be miserable.

Raffle he took on the responsibility for his brother from an inappropriately young age, ie as a teenager. He couldn't have known that getting married and having children would have made having his brother living with him so difficult. He didn't know the level of responsibility he was signing up to. Of course he should have got married etc, and had his own life - but then he couldn't expect to continue with this pipe dream of being the one who took over care of his brother. Having your disabled brother living with you is one thing when you are a single man with no other commitments, although even then how he would have fitted it around a career and social life I don't know, but the nature of his brother's disability makes it inappropriate for him to be living with a young family...and he is expecting his wife to do for him what he would have needed to do if he didn't have one, ie sacrifice herself.

I don't blame your DH OP - he just hasn't thought this through properly. What is needed here is professional advice and input, and an acceptance from everyone that outside help is needed now and will be needed in the future. If MIL wants help - completely understandably - she will have to accept appropriate help and can't expect to delegate as and when she pleases. If she wants shared responsibility that really means shared responsibility. It sounds like she is never going to relinquish that, so she can only stay in the same position.

I do also think that the 'shame' here is very much to do with your MIL, and that as you say it is not serving your BIL well.

I think mil is being very selfish not claiming any help for bil. Does she not even claim dla on his behalf to be put away for him for the future??
He sounds like he's reasonably high functioning in that he can do a lot for himself so I would certainly be looking at /encouraging some sort of sheltered housing or warden assisted flat of his own to maintain his independence . Send dh to mil for a week so he can help her out

Provincial Lady did you miss the bit where her DH had a go at her over what happened with the computer and the phone?
OP you are already being disrespected. Dont let yourself be used as well.

Oh yes sorry, I had misread it as the MIL having a go. In that case tell him it is a simple case of one in, three out. The arse.

MrsCampbell MIL's concern is keeping BIL's condition from BIL. I know, I know. But that's her entire motivation. As he got older, the school and the people who spoke to him (social workers? possibly?), said things and asked things which 'disturbed' BIL and she withdrew totally from any kind of agency.

In the past, well-meaning friends and relatives have pointed her at various schemes etc but if there is any kind of 'qualifying' disability she will not engage. Her ex got BIL on a landscape gardening course through some kind of access to work for adults with LD scheme, years and years back, and he reacted very badly to the other students.

DH disapproves massively (and didn't fully understand), but he also thinks it would be devastating for BIL to 'find out'. Especially as BIL has such negative feelings about 'morons'.

However, he's got to at some point! Surely. And it'll be shit for him and who knows how he'll react? I know it's awful and I know it's all making it worse for whatever happens eventually.

Have you posted about this BIL before, that he has FAS rather than birth injury and that's (one reason) why MIL is so far in denial? Sorry if I've got you confused with someone else. But assuming I'm right, your MIL has to get past her guilt and get appropriate support in place and get BIL back on SS radar and into the system. You taking home for a week is no long term solution. Don't feel guilty - there's been too much of that already.

MIL has very very rarely sought 'official' help for/with him over the years for various reasons.

Well presumably she's been able to cope all these years, but if it's becoming too much for her it's time she contacted social services. Your BIL is a vulnerable adult, and she is presumably elderly. There are services they could be accessing.

With this man's record of unpredictability, domestic incidents, lashing out and obsession with pornography, I'm amazed that anyone would think it was appropriate for him to share a house with young children. Let alone the childrens' own father and grandmother.

It sounds like it's down to you to provide the reality check here, and I think it's just awful of your DH to have put you in that position. Ultimately your primary concern must be your duty of care to your children, and no reasonable person would be surprised if you put their safety and well-being before anything else.

It's all very well your DH imagining over the years that he'd take over responsibility for your BIL - but the reality is that he has decided that you will take over responsibility for your BIL. He isn't entitled to do that, and he also needs to put his children first.

I'm afraid the only realistic response, in the light of the circumstances you have described, is to refuse to have your BIL move in with you - but obviously offer to assist with finding other solutions.

Provincial Lady i was thinking exactly the same as you. I definately think its ultimatum time too. OP you are already being bullied and mistreated. They are trying to force you into becoming a carer and then blaming YOU when something goes wrong AFTER not giving you the full picture in the first place.
This is ABUSE!

OP did no one at this residential school talk to your BIL about his brain injury? That seems very odd.

The mil keeping bil's condition a secret from him is borderline abusive. She sounds like an absolute nitemare!

Is she trying to keep him in her care so she has access to the trust fund?

Personally I would call their bluff and say ok we can have him stay for a short while BUT only after a full ss assessment and only if ss deem it safe for your family and in bil well being to do so

DH and I have been discussing it off and on today. Hard to do it properly here.

He has apologised for calling me stupid and acting like I would know what BIL would do, he said "I assumed you knew what he was like" and we had a whispered argument about the conspiracy of silence in the bathroom :(

I am not sure why MIL is so keen to have this happen now and I want to understand her motivation. If it's a work trip or a new man in the picture or what.

If poor BIL was foisted on me I would have no compunction about getting the proper authorities involved but I know it would be harder than that.

I suspect DH has a fantasy whereby BIL comes down with us, we get him registered at a GP here and somehow magically get him the help and support he is entitled to.

I think the only solution is going to be for your DH to tell his mother that you won't take over caring for his brother so to effectively give her no choice but to contact the relevant agencies.

But not sure how likely it is that your DH will do this.