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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is the last year I'm doing this?

214 replies

changingnicknameforxmas · 26/12/2011 10:48

Today I will go to my parents for lunch with my family.

Parents, me, my 2 kids, my two brothers, their partners and kids.

As I've alluded to on another thread I will go there today, and the difference that's made between me and my brothers and my kids and their kids will be stark and obvious. And I will probably weep in the car on the way home.

So, I'm not doing it next year. Next year I'll do something else.

I'm a single parent. My kids are with the ex on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, depending. So I won't have a day just me and the kids (they arrived late yesterday)

I will go today and I have to bring the vegetables and the desserts. My brothers and their partners bring no food.

I cannot drink as there is only me, and I have to drive. Brothers and parents will get completely and utterly bladdered. And offensive, and rude. About everything.

My parents will dish out their gifts to the grandchildren and my children will receive "token" presents (scarves and bath bombs last year) whilst my brothers' children receive expensive gifts (bike and ipod touches last year).

My brothers will receive gifts from my parents (last year a book, a dvd and a jumper/fleece each). I will receive nothing.

Every other person in the room will have gifts to open. I will not.

I will be expected to fetch drinks/help dish out/help clear up. My brothers and their wives will sit and not help at all. I will, if past experience is anything to go by, not be offered a drink while my father runs around going "brother1s wife can I get you a drink? Brother2s wife? Oh, your drink's finished B1W let me get you another no don't get up, changing will get it for you"

So, MN jury, AIBU to say fuck the fucking lot of you to hell and back I'm not fucking going next year?

OP posts:
hippoCritt · 27/12/2011 14:07

I would also recommend the book toxic parents, I was treated in a similar way, I stopped ringing my mum and it took 4 months before she contacted me, please look after yourself. A letter is a good idea, you don't have to send it. Write it for you, be as honest as you can about how they treat you, how you feel and what you wish for own children.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 15:49

bringbacksideburns - you made me snort my coffee Grin - am definitely not incredibly wealthy, as a single parent I am the least well off of all of us - I think the habit started when I had kids and my brother's didn't and my mother and father bought my children and not me, which I wouldn't have a problem with.

What I have a problem with is that now my brothers have children, they and their wives get presents, I don't, and their kids get presents which are of a completely different magnitude to the ones my kids get.

It's a bit Sad how many people have been treated in similar ways by their families.

OP posts:
LesserOfTwoWeevils · 27/12/2011 16:09

Brilliant, well done OP! Congrats from one famiiy scapegoat to another.
Have you been on the Stately Homes thread? You will be welcomed there.

jasminerice · 27/12/2011 16:10

Yes, it is sad how many people have been treated so badly by their parents. At first I used to think I was in a minority, but I realise now I'm probably in the majority. Many people never even realise they are being abused, it's so normal and familiar to them as it's been that way all their lives.

It's so liberating the day you realise you have a CHOICE and do not have to just accept being treated badly, by your family or anyone else. Often the only option is to walk away as people rarely change their toxic ways, but walking away is a great choice imho.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 16:16

That's it exactly - I've always been treated like that, and I never knew any different, why would I? It was normal to me.

BF has been so so good for me in that he does the Shock face and he's great at saying things like you don't have to go, don't let him push you around (WRT the ex), why are you doing that are you doing it because you want to or because they expect you to.

He used the "choice" word as well - he said "You're an adult. No one can make you do anything you don't want to and what's the worst that can happen?"

They still haven't phoned to see how we are

OP posts:
jasminerice · 27/12/2011 16:21

Your BF can 'see' your family drama very clearly as he is on the outside.

I hope you will get the book I recommended, it will help you see things the way your BF does.

jasminerice · 27/12/2011 16:25

Unfortunately I don't think your parents will phone to see how you are. People like that think only of themselves and their own feelings, rarely about other people's feelings.

I have created a new family, since I walked away from my birth family. My new family genuinely love and care about me and my feelings, and I never knew there was such kindness and love in the world before my new family came along.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 16:27

I find it really hard to understand how kind my BF is, just the kindness, not big showy flashy gestures but the kindness - coming to see me in hospital, making me a cuppa, bringing chocolate when I need it - that stuff, I'm not used to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 16:28

I will look for the book and am off to have a read of the Stately Homes threads on here - I read some before and it hit home, I can't talk much about it in RL because it upsets me, and also because it is so abnormal that I feel as though people will say I'm making it up but that's because any time I've called my family on stuff they've called me a liar and said it didn't happen the way I remember it but surely every single incident I remember can't be made up?

OP posts:
molepomandmistletoe · 27/12/2011 16:30

Awww, changing, that's lovely. He obviously thinks that you are worth that and you should think so too.

Your bloody family have trodden all over your sense of worth you've lost sight of how you SHOULD and deserve to be treated. Glad to see your BF is doing this, hopefully it will build your confidence up a little and he's also showing the kids how a real man treats his missus. That in itself is priceless.

jasminerice · 27/12/2011 16:33

No, you are not making anything up. It's definately them with the problem, not you.

I used to be on Stately Homes, don't feel the need these days, but it was very helpful and supportive whilst I was there.

Some other books are The Drama of the Gifted Child and The Truth will set you Free, both by Alice Miller.

Good Luck, x

GrownUpBelievesInSanta · 27/12/2011 16:36

I just want to tell you well done for stopping this chain of abuse. You are giving your children a wonderful present this year by refusing to allow your family to treat you the terrible way you have described. What an awful thing for them to have to experience (and for you too) to see the family be so awful to you. Having that out of all your lives can only ever be good. I am glad you had a nice day, you deserved it.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 27/12/2011 16:39

bloody brilliant thread!

I'm so glad you had a good boxing Day Changing and i would love to see your BF's face when you tell him you didn't go. less Xmas Shock and more Xmas Grin

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 16:44

I phoned him and told him "Fucking glad to hear it that's the best christmas present I could have had"

It makes me shudder to hear it described as abuse, but that's what he called it too Sad

OP posts:
DeWe · 27/12/2011 16:49

Well done!

MotherPanda · 27/12/2011 16:52

Well done changing. I did this with my dad - stopped calling. It took him six months to try and get in touch, by which time I had decided I didn't want him in my life anyway. I haven't seen him for 14 months now.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 17:03

I just hope I stay strong and just stay away (which translates as don't cave in and ring them and then get put under pressure to go there and do go and it's horrible)

They don't know about the BF but as he said earlier, what sort of parents would ask you for Boxing Day, (to sit with brothers and be humiliated) and think you're on your own on Christmas Day with the kids at their Dad's, and not ask what you were doing and did you have company?

OP posts:
molepomandmistletoe · 27/12/2011 17:07

Well, if you feel as though you are going to cave in, remember this thread, the other thread and the statly homes thread, our responses, BF's responses, how you had a great time with the neighbours and what you want your kids to see.

If you still feel a bit weak, come on here and tell us, and we'll put you straight with a kick up the jacksie and a glass of wine to go with it.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 27/12/2011 17:08

any bets on just how long it'll take the parents to phone if Changing just doesn't ring again??

6 months is just Shock MotherPanda

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 17:13

6 months is a LONG time motherpanda

OP posts:
MotherPanda · 27/12/2011 17:46

Well, he was an absent father from the ages of 3-14 so I don't think he was ever that fussed about me, been in touch for the last five years, he showers my brother with gifts and I've never received a thing... Not even maintenance or food, clothes etc All he would talk about to me was my sister. I clued up when I got pregnant and realised I would never want dad to meet my dd. he's a vile abusive druggie and I really don't miss him. Still bitter about it though. I've got daddy issues! Feel better for that outburst, sorry for derailing.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 17:49

motherpanda - Sad for you.

My parents aren't druggies or anything (they just drink a lot) and hearing it described as "abuse" kind of pulled me up short but if I'd read someone else putting down what I had, that's what I would have called it.

I actually feel drained and a bit worn out. Which is the emotion crash I think?

OP posts:
andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 27/12/2011 17:51

Can't read whole thread right now, but I'm really sorry your 'family' treat you like that. Angry

MotherPanda · 27/12/2011 17:55

It is easier to justify my hating him because he smokes cannabis and is violent - but in truth those aren't the things that hurt.

It's the little injustices and thoughtlessness like you say. They are just as valid if not more so.

MotherPanda · 27/12/2011 17:57

And yes it is exhausting. Sleep if you are tired, don't make any contact unless you want to. I never explained to my dad why I cut contact but one day I feel as if I might write that letter. There's a lot of rage locked away somewhere that would like to be let out.