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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is the last year I'm doing this?

214 replies

changingnicknameforxmas · 26/12/2011 10:48

Today I will go to my parents for lunch with my family.

Parents, me, my 2 kids, my two brothers, their partners and kids.

As I've alluded to on another thread I will go there today, and the difference that's made between me and my brothers and my kids and their kids will be stark and obvious. And I will probably weep in the car on the way home.

So, I'm not doing it next year. Next year I'll do something else.

I'm a single parent. My kids are with the ex on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, depending. So I won't have a day just me and the kids (they arrived late yesterday)

I will go today and I have to bring the vegetables and the desserts. My brothers and their partners bring no food.

I cannot drink as there is only me, and I have to drive. Brothers and parents will get completely and utterly bladdered. And offensive, and rude. About everything.

My parents will dish out their gifts to the grandchildren and my children will receive "token" presents (scarves and bath bombs last year) whilst my brothers' children receive expensive gifts (bike and ipod touches last year).

My brothers will receive gifts from my parents (last year a book, a dvd and a jumper/fleece each). I will receive nothing.

Every other person in the room will have gifts to open. I will not.

I will be expected to fetch drinks/help dish out/help clear up. My brothers and their wives will sit and not help at all. I will, if past experience is anything to go by, not be offered a drink while my father runs around going "brother1s wife can I get you a drink? Brother2s wife? Oh, your drink's finished B1W let me get you another no don't get up, changing will get it for you"

So, MN jury, AIBU to say fuck the fucking lot of you to hell and back I'm not fucking going next year?

OP posts:
TheGashlycrumbTinies · 26/12/2011 21:10

Xmas Grin Good for you!

And Yay! for scootering around in pj's and slippers!

ElfOfThePerverse · 26/12/2011 21:19

Well done! When I started reading the thread I thought there'd be an update at the end about how awful it was, I'm so glad it turned out you had a lovely day. Xmas Grin

Liking the sound of the BF too, sounds like he has your best interests at heart. Xmas Smile

guffawstythesnowman · 26/12/2011 21:25

changing... came late to this thread, just want to wish you the very best of luck, and hope things improve for you. Well done for staying home. xx

ZillionChocolate · 26/12/2011 21:53

Next time you speak to them, I'd definitely say that notwithstanding the colds, you had a lovely time at home and you're definitely going to do it again next year. I'm not sure I'd bother confronting them unless you think it would make you feel better, I can't imagine they'd change.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 26/12/2011 22:07

Congratulations for making the decision that you don't have to let them treat you like shit. I'm glad you stayed home and had a good day with the kids... this is only the first step, but it was a bloody big one Grin

Enjoy a Wine now you don't have to drive!! (mind you, you're probably in bed already after all the stress and a day with the kids!!).

Panzee · 26/12/2011 22:30

I hope you had a lovely day with the people who count.

Don't feel you have to have it out or explain yourself to them. You don't owe them an explanation. I'd be tempted to just leave them to it. :o

jasminerice · 26/12/2011 22:30

Well done for not going, it's not cowardly, it's self preservation.

Posters have suggested you have it out with your family in the coming year. I would think very carefully before doing that. They could and probably will turn any accusations you make against them on their head and tell you that it's you not them. That you are exaggerating, being over sensitive, mis remembering things. They will blatantly deny doing things you know they did do.

I would just quietly distance myself from these toxic people and look into getting some therapy/counselling to help heal and recover from the emotional and psychological damage they have inflicted on you.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 09:16

Sorry I didn't come back to the thread yesterday - we ended up going to our neighbours and all the kids (theirs and mine) had a fantastic day.

Much much better than going to my parents Grin. Interestingly, none of my family phoned or texted at all to see how we were. Hmm

I think I'll just leave it for the meantime - I feel a bit wrung out and a bit sad and I have a feeling that if I tried to tackle them about it, as jasmine and others have said, it would not go well and would end up that I was over-sensitive and making a mountain out of a molehill - I've tried before to talk to them about it and it just ended up in my parents attacking me verbally and I didn't achieve anything useful. Just got myself upset, and it isn't worth it.

The BF is really good for me, he sees it all from an outsiders perspective, if you see what I mean, and as I said, his face on Christmas Day, plus writing it down for here, made me realise how far beyond normal it was.

I wrote the OP, and I read it back before I posted it, and I thought "If I read that on MN I would tell the OP not to go and never to go" - it just seemed so stark and clear when it was written down.

Thank you all for the support yesterday - if it hadn't been for you lot I would have gone and ended up with a shitty day, instead of which we ended up in next door and my food got carted in their and we had a really relaxed chilled out day

OP posts:
Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 09:25

in there not in their.

Blush
OP posts:
openyerlugholes · 27/12/2011 09:36

Am so glad you had a good day yesterday Smile.

They don't sound like the kind of people who will calmly let you have your say if you were to try to explain how you feel. Would it be better if you put everything down in a letter when you feel able to confront them?

I think that is what I would do. They could choose to ignore it, or me, but I would feel better knowing that I had told them exactly how I feel.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 09:39

open - a letter is a good idea, maybe, I don't know. I think at the minute I'm too close to it all to make a sensible decision, I'm going to just let it be for a while and decide in a few weeks.

What I have decided is that I'm not phoning them, I'm going to wait and see how long it takes for them to phone me.

It might be a while Smile

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 27/12/2011 09:47

The main thing is that you've broken the habit. So next year you'll find it easier to say "actually, I don't want to do that" when they mention it. Whether you tackle them is up to you but you know now that you have alternatives and are worth more than they make you feel.

Glad you had a fab day. Xmas Smile

TheSkiingGardener · 27/12/2011 09:50

What you've done is amazing. You've broken the pattern and that takes a huge amount of emotional energy. Glad you had a fab day and good luck with however you decide to deal with it in the future. There's no rush!

JKSLtd · 27/12/2011 10:13

So pleased you had such a lovely day well done you Grin

iscream · 27/12/2011 10:39

I am proud of you for not going. smile
I predict that you will be sick every Christmas from now on, or at least until you feel able to simply say that you are staying home for Christmas.

iscream · 27/12/2011 10:41
Smile
Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 10:43

Well, next year I will have the kids Christmas Eve and Christmas Day until the evening (around 7/8pm) and I want to have the day on my own, just me and them. I want to do Santa in the morning, laze around in PJ's and eat a nice lunch without the hassle.

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 10:48

Good for you Changing, look at all that stress and upset you've avoided. Grin

LydiaWickham · 27/12/2011 10:49

perfect, so you have plans for next Christmas and won't be available.

Triggles · 27/12/2011 11:11

So glad that you had a lovely day yesterday!

Sounds like BF is very sensible, perhaps by next year he will be in a position to be some moral support/backup if/when you're ready to confront your family.

But please, if you confront them, remember - confrontation of that type is really only to get the grievances out in the open. It will probably not end in a pleasant resolution. They will be defensive and could turn nasty. Family disagreements can be vicious as people look at it more personally. Do NOT expect them to change their ways.

forehead · 27/12/2011 11:17

I am so glad you didnt go OP.
I did the same with my MIL. I stopped going to her home on Christmas Day for similar reasons to the one you mentioned. It was one of the best decisions i have ever made.
I agree with Jas..., i don't think that you should confront them , you will just look paranoid. I think that you should just distance yourself from them for a little while, don't phone etc. They will eventually contact you. They probably don't even know that you're upset with them because you have been allowing them to treat you in this manner for a long time. When they eventually contact you, explain that you love them but you want to make changes in your life .

molepomandmistletoe · 27/12/2011 11:57

Yay! I'm so glad you didnt go and had a lovely day with the neighbours instead AND that next year you will have the kids!

Just one more thing, these are not nice people, they are thoughtless, small minded and rude. Do you really want them to be part of your kids lives and have any sort of influence on them if that is how they treat you and think of others? You are better than that and worth more and your kids deserve more.

Dont you dare, ever go round there again during a big do or celebration. By all means keep in contact if that it what you think is best, but they are doing you no favours at all.

They think you are weak. You're not. You are stronger than they will ever realise and when they find out by being on the receiving end of it, it will still be all your fault and it'll all turn on you. Putting you down, treating you like shit, it's a cycle that will not end unless YOU put a stop to it, put your foot down and tell them exactly what they make you feel like and that you are not going to put up with it anymore. Either they treat you just the same as everyone else, as a family should, or leave you and yours alone.

bumpybecky · 27/12/2011 12:15

brilliant! started the thread hoping you'd find the courage not to go and you did Xmas Grin woohoo!

I'm so glad you had a good day at home yesterday. Your family do not have the right to treat you like that. Good for you for standing up to them even if they might not realise it yet!)

bringbacksideburns · 27/12/2011 13:25

I'm so glad you stood up to them and didn't go and the fact you had such a fab day proves you don't need them. Be strong.

I don't get why they never buy you a gift and leave you out. Are you incredibly wealthy or something??
It sounds like you are well overdue saying enough. I certainly would not want to go there.

jasminerice · 27/12/2011 13:47

So glad you all had a lovely day, well done for making it happen.

I have a recommendation if you're interested, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Am sure it will help you in dealing with next Christmas (and next year) with confidence.