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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is the last year I'm doing this?

214 replies

changingnicknameforxmas · 26/12/2011 10:48

Today I will go to my parents for lunch with my family.

Parents, me, my 2 kids, my two brothers, their partners and kids.

As I've alluded to on another thread I will go there today, and the difference that's made between me and my brothers and my kids and their kids will be stark and obvious. And I will probably weep in the car on the way home.

So, I'm not doing it next year. Next year I'll do something else.

I'm a single parent. My kids are with the ex on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, depending. So I won't have a day just me and the kids (they arrived late yesterday)

I will go today and I have to bring the vegetables and the desserts. My brothers and their partners bring no food.

I cannot drink as there is only me, and I have to drive. Brothers and parents will get completely and utterly bladdered. And offensive, and rude. About everything.

My parents will dish out their gifts to the grandchildren and my children will receive "token" presents (scarves and bath bombs last year) whilst my brothers' children receive expensive gifts (bike and ipod touches last year).

My brothers will receive gifts from my parents (last year a book, a dvd and a jumper/fleece each). I will receive nothing.

Every other person in the room will have gifts to open. I will not.

I will be expected to fetch drinks/help dish out/help clear up. My brothers and their wives will sit and not help at all. I will, if past experience is anything to go by, not be offered a drink while my father runs around going "brother1s wife can I get you a drink? Brother2s wife? Oh, your drink's finished B1W let me get you another no don't get up, changing will get it for you"

So, MN jury, AIBU to say fuck the fucking lot of you to hell and back I'm not fucking going next year?

OP posts:
Demonata · 26/12/2011 11:36

Yey! Enjoy your boxing day, working out how to deal with your family in the long term can wait for another day.

mominamillion · 26/12/2011 11:37

Oh well done! You can relax and have a lovely day now Smile

When you feel up to confronting them post first and we will all be 100% behind you.

JKSLtd · 26/12/2011 11:37

Well done OP Grin

Have a lovely day with the dcs Smile

(now I can finally go and have a bath have been waiting for the update!)

sitandnatter · 26/12/2011 11:37

Congratulations!! Now just enjoy the day.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 26/12/2011 11:37

Definitely first day to a new life!

I know this sounds stupid but it wasn't until I was talking with my BF about it yesterday and his face was like this --> Shock that I realised how out of order it was.

And then writing it down when I posted on here made it worse.

OP posts:
Bloodymary · 26/12/2011 11:37

Good for you, have a great day with your children.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 26/12/2011 11:38

Oh and I will have it out with them when I'm feeling a bit more up to it, when MN helps me write the script and when the kids aren't around to hear the fall out.

Xmas Grin
OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 26/12/2011 11:39

Annie's advice is so sound. So glad you phoned. No don't do it next year. Stay firm.

I made the mistake of going to my parents yesterday with my kids (also divorced) next year I am staying at home. No doubt about it.

NinkyNonker · 26/12/2011 11:40

Xmas Grin Well done!

Spuddybean · 26/12/2011 11:41

well done you! i have just read the thread.

I would defo bring it up though when/if i next spoke to parents. I'd have to say something like 'tbh mum/dad the way you treat us so differently in front of everyone is getting quite embarrassing now so i don't really want to put dc's through that...'

Or i would have gone and sat there saying 'oh don't i get a present' or 'no make your own drink' while everyone looked on horrified.

LovesBloominChristmas · 26/12/2011 11:43

Glad to hear you've not gone, you will have a fab day.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 26/12/2011 11:46

Yay. That's made my day! Have a lovely lovely day Xmas Grin Well done!

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 26/12/2011 11:48

Thank you all.

I know I have to deal with it, just not today. today I want to enjoy my kids.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 26/12/2011 11:49

HUrrah! Best thread I've read this Xmas!

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 26/12/2011 11:54

I just hope you'll all be around in a week or two when I decide I need a scriptwriting team Xmas Grin

OP posts:
sweetsantababy · 26/12/2011 11:54

I'm so happy for you.x

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 26/12/2011 11:57

It's the daft things (well apart from the obvious difference in presents) that are so irritating.

I can't drink, because I have to drive to get there. And I don't like coke/fanta stuff. So I have to bring Schloer or whatever I'm going to drink. And then the kids snaffle it as it's "wine" and I end up with half a glass.

And me bringing food - wouldn't bother me if it was an everyone pitches in kind of a meal, but why should I have to bring and no one else?

And me running about like a blue arsed fly while they all sit on their behinds. And get drunk.

And then more drunk. And then the racist/disablist comments start.

OP posts:
TheUnsinkableTitanic · 26/12/2011 12:14

thank goodness you cancelled

i think the saddest part for me was that your children have started to notice - in my book that makes it time to call it a day

will be interesting to see if your family phone later to see how you are and what plans they make to get the children's' gifts to you.......

have a great day :)

mumeeee · 26/12/2011 12:17

Well done OP. Have a great day with your kids.

ImperialBlether · 26/12/2011 12:23

The more I read your opening thread, OP, the angrier I am.

I think you should write to them and list all of the above. Tell them that you have no intention of visiting until the situation changes. You should also tell them that yes, you didn't feel well, but that was mainly because of the stress of seeing them in those circumstances.

Refer to grandparents. Ask how they would have liked it if (named aunt/uncle) had a bike for Christmas and they had had a scarf.

Refer to their parents. Ask how they would have liked it if their sister/brother had had Christmas presents (list the presents) and they had had nothing.

Remind them that your brothers bring nothing. Remind them that you are the only sibling who helps them. Then remind them you are the only sibling who gets nothing.

Then state again that you have no intention of visiting again unless there is a radical shift in their behaviour.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 26/12/2011 12:29

They sound awful, even before you mentioned about racist/disablist comments Xmas Shock. You did the right thing as you can now relax with your DC and not have to stress over being treated like a 21st century slave, while your DC are treated like 2nd class grandchildren. Clearly you need to discuss this with them but they sound like the type of people that will deny any different treatment of you, or turn it back on you so it's 'your' fault in some way. A bit like your ex did in your other thread.

You sound like you've come a long way in being more assertive but do you think some counselling might help you to deal with your parent's issues? And I say 'you parent's issues' because they are the ones clearly at fault here, although I have to say your brothers and their partners aren't much better if they aren't questioning any of this behaviour or standing up for you. What do your brothers/their partners say about the clear unequal treatment of you/your DC?

Hope you have a fab day. I'm having an Xmas dinner with my DS today, just us two (am also single parent). Turkey is in the oven and we're going to watch the Garfield film on tv shortly, then the Strictly Xmas special repeated this aft. Bliss!

chubbybunny · 26/12/2011 12:30

Bugsy Malone is on and I hope you all enjoy your stress free duvet day.

Well done for saying no.

thunderboltsandlightning · 26/12/2011 12:30

Such a good outcome.

What a horrible way for your family to treat you.

Have a lovely day.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 26/12/2011 12:31

By the way, I love Imperial's advice, above.

Vev · 26/12/2011 12:33

Well done you. Have a nice lazy day and hope you feel better soon.

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