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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is the last year I'm doing this?

214 replies

changingnicknameforxmas · 26/12/2011 10:48

Today I will go to my parents for lunch with my family.

Parents, me, my 2 kids, my two brothers, their partners and kids.

As I've alluded to on another thread I will go there today, and the difference that's made between me and my brothers and my kids and their kids will be stark and obvious. And I will probably weep in the car on the way home.

So, I'm not doing it next year. Next year I'll do something else.

I'm a single parent. My kids are with the ex on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, depending. So I won't have a day just me and the kids (they arrived late yesterday)

I will go today and I have to bring the vegetables and the desserts. My brothers and their partners bring no food.

I cannot drink as there is only me, and I have to drive. Brothers and parents will get completely and utterly bladdered. And offensive, and rude. About everything.

My parents will dish out their gifts to the grandchildren and my children will receive "token" presents (scarves and bath bombs last year) whilst my brothers' children receive expensive gifts (bike and ipod touches last year).

My brothers will receive gifts from my parents (last year a book, a dvd and a jumper/fleece each). I will receive nothing.

Every other person in the room will have gifts to open. I will not.

I will be expected to fetch drinks/help dish out/help clear up. My brothers and their wives will sit and not help at all. I will, if past experience is anything to go by, not be offered a drink while my father runs around going "brother1s wife can I get you a drink? Brother2s wife? Oh, your drink's finished B1W let me get you another no don't get up, changing will get it for you"

So, MN jury, AIBU to say fuck the fucking lot of you to hell and back I'm not fucking going next year?

OP posts:
GandTiceandaSprout · 26/12/2011 12:34

I am glad you're not going.

The family sounds awful.

You can chose your frirnds but you can't chose your family. But you can remove your family from your life.

Have a great future!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2011 12:36

Oh, I love this thread

Such an antidote to the mean spirited ones elsewhere on this site today

All through page 1 I was hoping to see you decide not to put yourself through it. I was going to invite you to mine Xmas Smile...a place where you will feel no judgment and not a racist/sexist/disablist comment in sight.

I am so glad you cancelled. This is such a great step. Well done !

caramelwaffle · 26/12/2011 12:39

A lovely thread.

Enjoy the rest of your day. You made the right decision.

lisianthus · 26/12/2011 12:39

Well done! Am really glad you and your children will have a lovely day after all. It can't have been easy to make the call, but you did it - a great start to a new year.

JosieZ · 26/12/2011 12:44

Just say "I didn't enjoy last year so I am not coming for Xmas with you"

end of.

Don't justify, let them make you feel guilty, complain and sound whingey.

Just say no and then let them stew.

You will be doing yourself the biggest favour of your life.

Don't be trampled on again
ps why didyou andyours get rubbish pressies?

Anniegetyourgun · 26/12/2011 12:45

Yay, happy ending, and well done the boyfriend for having a normal person's point of view and being on your side (that's what partners are supposed to do). If being treated a certain way is all you've ever known, then why would you question it? It takes an outsider's view to hold a mirror up to your life sometimes, before you can see it for what it really is. Well, you've seen it now, and there will be no getting back willingly into that particular box. Onwards and upwards!

Also agree with Imperial but unfortunately, like Kitty says, it is most unlikely to make any kind of impression on them. They'll just reject it, snort, call you ungrateful etc. It would be cathartic for you though.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 26/12/2011 12:46

I stopped going to my family's for our summer holidays.
Years and years of doing a 600 mile round trip with babies and toddlers and DS with SN and teens and even with my very sick DD. I have done it pg and my OH is disabled so its a hell of a journey for him.

For what? To get to mum's house and her to say 'I have put some dinner in for you, I am going to stay at your sister's' ten minutes after we go there. Saw her for about ten minutes a day after that, brother didnt bother to show at all and only my dear sis made any effort. She had to make ALL the effort so I felt guilty for taking up her time. Sleepover for DS never happened despite promises because BIL 'oh you know what he [bil] is like'. If we went to sis's house felt like we had to get out when BIL got back from work because 'oh you know what he is like'.

OH stuck in a house in the middle of nowhere with no pavements and he cant walk very far. Having to drive half an hour to get to a beach which OH nearly killed himself walking across.

Using all our money instead of going on a stress free, proper holiday two hours away.

Did it for years and years. Because my famiy live in a beautiful part of the country I suppose they thought it was a holiday for us. It wasnt. It was supposed to be a visit to them. But they were nowhere to be seen Hmm

Now we get a week away in a caravan a shortish drive away which may sound like hell to some but its bliss to me.

Sorry for highjack. I love my family but I feel so much better now I dont put myself through that every year.

littlesaintnicola · 26/12/2011 12:58

Hurray ! Im more of a lurker than a poster but I wanted to add my congratulations to you for your firm stand.
I think in some weird way your parents probably really don't see that they treat you differently. You are the girl and that's they way they treat girls. Your brothers are boys and obviously they (and associated wives and kids) get treated the way they get treated. There can be no other way ( in their minds).

But remember ~ If you do what you've always done you will get what you always got.

Good for you that you have at least started the process of halting this behaviour. It will take time and maybe you will get some catharsis out of it - or maybe not. Either way you and your kids will never ever have to sit by and watch others open splendid presents while you have nothing. You will always have the Christmases you want and your kids will know that you always put them first.

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 26/12/2011 13:08

Thanks all. I will deal with it at some point, or just drift away and ignore perhaps, I don't know.

I just - it's hard to explain, I knew it was wrong, I knew it wasn't right but until I'd spoken to my BF and typed it on here I didn't realise HOW wrong it was iyswim?

DD1 and DD2 have fallen out over the wii Xmas Grin and DD2 has gone outside in her jammies and slippers and a coat and is scootering up and down on the pavement Xmas Grin

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 26/12/2011 13:10

And that's what Boxing Day is all about! Enjoy, OP- and well done!

Anniegetyourgun · 26/12/2011 13:10

Hey, aren't they supposed to be ill? Xmas Grin

Willabywallaby · 26/12/2011 13:33

Well done, enjoy!

JKSLtd · 26/12/2011 13:43

Loving the update, even the arguing over the wii is good news Grin

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2011 13:45

Changingnickname - you are a hero for doing this - and I am wishing you an absolutely lovely day with your dc!

If I were in your position, I would be tempted to write to your parents and your brothers in the new year, outlining everything you have said on this thread in a very calm way, and stating that you are not willing for either you or your children to be treated so unfairly and unkindly by them any more, so unless things change, there will be a lot less contact between you and them. That said, I can appreciate how difficult that would actually be, and whatever you do, mumsnet is here for you!

Hugs to you and the dc, and have fun!

Shiregirl · 26/12/2011 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LatteLady · 26/12/2011 14:25

Did not want to pass the thread by, am so pleased that you are having a lovely time at home and have decided not to go.

I think your post on here is eloquent enough to show to your parents and it will let them know how rotten this ritual has made you feel... I also think your brothers need to see it too.

Enjoy your day at home Xmas Smile

TooImmatureTurtleDoves · 26/12/2011 14:40

So pleased you didn't go! Have a lovely stress-free day.

Agree that you need to address this behaviour at some point - if you don't change anything, then why would you expect anything to change? Ie, they'll carry on treating you like shite unless you do something about it. We will all be here to be scriptwriters and cheer you on while you do it, and it sounds like your BF will as well. Go changing!

sweetsantababy · 26/12/2011 14:45

Enjoy your day and forget about it for now. In the new year if you want to come and post on relationships and unravel it all. It took me many years to really realise that things were so bad with my lot.

Heleninahandcart · 26/12/2011 14:50

Brilliant thread OP. Congratulations on breaking free. You have given yourself one massive present this year Grin.

By all means confront the some time if you feel you need to, do not expect a change in behaviour as this is unlikely. They are also likely to deny that they behave badly. You are quite within your rights to just ignore them, let it drift whatever you find works for you. Meanwhile, its a big happy day and you are a free woman!

ssd · 26/12/2011 14:59

brilliant op, well done you!

mrssmooth · 26/12/2011 15:56

So pleased to hear that you didn't go, well done you! Hope you're continuing to have a lovely day with your dcs - you deserve it! Smile

ThePathanKhansWitch · 26/12/2011 16:09

Oh i'm so happy you didn't go.

You'll be able to all cosy up and watch rubbish tV and sweets.

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 26/12/2011 16:36

Come here if you want :)

Don't go and tell them why. Stay home. Let 2012 be a new year for you. Let them go, family or not they sound awful. Just do what you want to do with your dc. Get some perspective, hug your kids a bit tighter tonight. Surround yourself with love from friends and other family and graciously let relationships that bring nothing but stress and unhappiness go......;) you will be fine x

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 16:44

:) So glad you didn't go. Do tell them why at some point though.

Well done, and enjoy :)

runningwilde · 26/12/2011 16:52

Why on earth do you put up with this? And we need more info too.

Please don't put you or your kids through this again x