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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is the last year I'm doing this?

214 replies

changingnicknameforxmas · 26/12/2011 10:48

Today I will go to my parents for lunch with my family.

Parents, me, my 2 kids, my two brothers, their partners and kids.

As I've alluded to on another thread I will go there today, and the difference that's made between me and my brothers and my kids and their kids will be stark and obvious. And I will probably weep in the car on the way home.

So, I'm not doing it next year. Next year I'll do something else.

I'm a single parent. My kids are with the ex on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, depending. So I won't have a day just me and the kids (they arrived late yesterday)

I will go today and I have to bring the vegetables and the desserts. My brothers and their partners bring no food.

I cannot drink as there is only me, and I have to drive. Brothers and parents will get completely and utterly bladdered. And offensive, and rude. About everything.

My parents will dish out their gifts to the grandchildren and my children will receive "token" presents (scarves and bath bombs last year) whilst my brothers' children receive expensive gifts (bike and ipod touches last year).

My brothers will receive gifts from my parents (last year a book, a dvd and a jumper/fleece each). I will receive nothing.

Every other person in the room will have gifts to open. I will not.

I will be expected to fetch drinks/help dish out/help clear up. My brothers and their wives will sit and not help at all. I will, if past experience is anything to go by, not be offered a drink while my father runs around going "brother1s wife can I get you a drink? Brother2s wife? Oh, your drink's finished B1W let me get you another no don't get up, changing will get it for you"

So, MN jury, AIBU to say fuck the fucking lot of you to hell and back I'm not fucking going next year?

OP posts:
Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 26/12/2011 11:12

I think I have a unanimous YANBU Grin

So, I phone and say "MN says I'm not to go" Grin

I do need to address it, but I am feeling a bit shitey with the cold, plus I jsut want a nice day with the kids - I feel like I've not had a day with me and them doing stuff.

I have been working up to doing the MN "did you mean that to sound so rude" but I just don't know if it's worth it.

OP posts:
hippoCritt · 26/12/2011 11:12

Not cowardly! Stay at home, it will also highlight to them how much you do, you don't need to put yourself and your children through this. Arguably the thought of going is making you ill so it's not even a lie, oh have a day at home, you can always do a shorter trip to your parents another time.

WhiteChristmasontheSierraMadre · 26/12/2011 11:12

Do it do it do it do it!

Haziedoll · 26/12/2011 11:12

That's awful. Sad

I think you need to address this with them. Personally, I would cut them out of my life.

OhThisIsJustGrape · 26/12/2011 11:13

Goog god, do not go! Don't put yourself or your children through it.

Your family do not deserve your company for the day, I've got 4 DCs and I cannot imagine treating any of them differently. Your parents sound utter arseholes and your brothers (and their wives) sound no better.

Life is way too short to waste precious time with people that don't matter. Stay at home with your lovely DCs and have a fun filled day instead.

I'd be tempted to tell them the real reason why you're not coming, why shouldn't they be told a few truths?

mominamillion · 26/12/2011 11:13

Changing, if you think you are strong enough to pull them up on everything they do, to their face, then do go. It won't be pretty and probably won't end well, but you will be able to have your say, get everything off your chest and they will have listen to you.

And you won't ever need to go through this crap again.

Cathartic definitely!

sweetsantababy · 26/12/2011 11:14

I like ninkys new year suggestion. How dare they. I am lived for you. I am so sad today to read how truley vile some people are. Sad

Original poster
changingnicknameforxmas · 26/12/2011 11:14

I missed the kids yesterday and I wanted them here. I had a nice day with my BF but it's not the same and I wanted them here. So I'm a bit down anyway and now the thought of going there and going through the whole sham is just BLEURGH.

Right, hold my hand, am off to phone. Am too sick with the cold, I wouldn't want to give it to any of them, DD1 has a sore throat and is coming down with it and I have a stinking headache (I do but that's stress) and I don't feel up to the 45 minute drive.

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 26/12/2011 11:14

Do it and tell us what they say........... drumsssssssss fingernails on the coffee table.....

hippoCritt · 26/12/2011 11:15

I cross posted with you, but yes I think ring up and say MN say IANBU so I can't come over!

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 26/12/2011 11:16
Confuseddd · 26/12/2011 11:16

Mind you, I would avoid a showdown. Ignore them - they're not worth it. Sound like a bunch of utter nobs.

mominamillion · 26/12/2011 11:16

If you make an excuse about not going (ie I'm ill - even if that is true) you will be in the same situation next year and every year after that.

You need to put a stop to this now. You owe it to yourself.

mominamillion · 26/12/2011 11:17

Gah x posted. Ignore me.

NinkyNonker · 26/12/2011 11:17

Don't be apologetic btw, you are an adult and entitled to do what you want once in a while! And don't get guilt tripped or talked round...easier said than done I know.

You could be a little PA and give your reason as being that you feel far too poorly to be waitress today.

ArtVandelay · 26/12/2011 11:17

You poor lamb - what a bunch of b*stards Angry

Well done for cancelling - what a great gift to yourself :)

sitandnatter · 26/12/2011 11:17

I think the OP sounds fragile today, get the call done which ever way they can and let the rest take care of itself.

hippoCritt · 26/12/2011 11:17

virtual hand holding here if it helps

LadySybilPussPolham · 26/12/2011 11:18

Please don't go and make yourself miserable. Stay at home and have a lovely day with your children. If these people care so little about you don't waste time worrying about what they'll think or feel - just tell them you can't go. I'm so Sad for you but IMHO it's time to take control

Confuseddd · 26/12/2011 11:19

Good luck phoning. I would just say 'We're not coming' and no further explanation. Leave them to work out why.

LadySybilPussPolham · 26/12/2011 11:19

oops - well done op!

mominamillion · 26/12/2011 11:20

Hope it is going ok

Anniegetyourgun · 26/12/2011 11:20

It most certainly would not be cowardly to stay home for your sick child. It's all very well to drag yourself out when you feel obliged because you said you would, but dragging DD out when she feels bad is really not fair on her. It's not as if the DCs are going to miss out on a fun time anyway. Turning it around a bit, you might almost say it's cowardly to go, because you are more afraid of the unspeakable parents' disapproval than your own child's need to be kept in the warm and fed slivers of cool melon for her poor throat. I don't want to lay guilt trips on you though, as the unspeakable ones are all too good at that. Just think of it that way round and put your children first, as you must, and if it happens to suit what you want as well, bonus!

You do realise the buggers only invite you so that they can keep reinforcing how little you mean to them? So they can show off how they have you under their collective thumb? They don't invite you because they like your company. They're not going to miss you as a person. They might miss their unpaid waitress and they'll certainly miss their vegetables (don't feel guilty, please!), but the absence of you and your despised offspring won't cause them a moment's sadness. That's an awful thing to realise about your own family, but it's better than thinking you must deserve it for some reason. You don't deserve it. You can't deserve it. Nobody does.

BellaVita · 26/12/2011 11:20

Good luck.

gettingeasier · 26/12/2011 11:21

I wouldnt even bloody phone them

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