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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that fil has got the dc Oxfam goats for Christmas?

316 replies

lecce · 22/12/2011 19:46

I'm not sure exactly why but this has seriously pissed me off. The dc are 2 and 4 and these 'gifts' arrived today in the post, though fil will be spending Christmas day with us.

We are not hugely well-off and I suppose I feel that if he thinks the dc don't need yet more toys (they are by no means spolit, but I often get the sense form all the in-laws that they think our dc have too much - odd little comments like, "My goodness, those can't all be your toys surely," etc etc) he could have got clothes, paid for a day out or put money in their savings account etc. I know it probably doesn't show me in a very positive light, but I don't think our dc are so ridiculously priviliged that they need to be taught this lesson. Of course they are well-fed, clothed and have plenty of toys (some of their clothing and toys are second-hand, though admittedly only because there are brands I like that I can't afford new) but we can't afford holidays other than UK camping, expensive days out more than a couple of times a year and some of their Christmas presents are from Ebay. When I think about the future and the dc going to university I feel a bit panicky. Dh also has MS so our future is perhaps a little more uncertain than others'.

Of course we are hugely better off than the people Oxfam help but so is fil and he has not informed us that this is what he is doing and told us to get him a simialr gift has he? No, he will recieve a gift for himself on Christmas day. This is the main part that annoys me. Why does he get to decide that others have too much, while receiving more for himself?

For the record, I try to make the dc aware of others less fortunate than themselves and we often donate old itemss to charity and talk about the children who might be receiving them. However, I feel they are too young to have to worry about this too much and I don't want to make them feel guilty about what they have. In any case, I don't feel it is up to fil to dictate the way in which we appraoch the moral education of our dc.

I am so annoyed - AIBU?

OP posts:
FriggFRIGGYPudding · 22/12/2011 19:48

I think it's quite a nice present...

ilovesooty · 22/12/2011 19:49

I would think that unless he's buying them gifts which are directly damaging or undermining your parenting he is free to buy what he likes.

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 22/12/2011 19:50

Swap his gift for a similar Oxfam gift.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2011 19:50

You'd be unreasonable to be angry, OP, not to be a little hurt. It's FIL's choice of gift and whilst it's not something your DCs can play with, it beats the heck out of a hand-knitted jumper, fit for a legless giraffe... ;)

If your FIL thinks they have too many toys, perhaps suggest a practical present in future - like a warm coat or similar?

Take your DCs to a community farm so they can see a goat in action and make it real for them that way. Don't let this spoil your Christmas, a gift is a gift even if it makes you go 'hmm'.

HorribleDay · 22/12/2011 19:50

YABU - I think that's a lovely gift ....

IneedAChristmasNickname · 22/12/2011 19:51

I bought my DC an Oxfam goat this year. I think it's a good idea.

Liluri · 22/12/2011 19:52

YANBU.
A grandfather should buy presents for small grandchildren that they can enjoy and understand.
If he wishes to be charitable with his money, then good for him, but he should not expect tiny children to miss out of gifts in order for him to feel good about himself.
I dislike such 'public' giving too - just send the money if you can - why do you need a poster of a goat and a newsletter to prove how generous you are?

peaky123 · 22/12/2011 19:52

YABU and materialistic, ungrateful and seen to have forgotten the underlying message of christmas.
Those goats arent a cheap option and will mean so much more to the families that recieve them than a few more bits of plastic crap destined for the bin.

slavetofilofax · 22/12/2011 19:52

YANBU to think that your dc's moral education should be up to you. But YABU about the gifts.

I can't say I would particularly appreciate them, but they should be accepted in good grace, and you can explain to your dc in an age appropriate way what they are. It is up to the giver what they give, and it is not up to you to say that he could have bought them clothes or a day out or money in their accounts. You may have preferred these things, but the gofts are from him, so he gets to decide what they are.

BeattieBow · 22/12/2011 19:53

I think it's a nice gift for older children. Yours are too young to get the message really (so maybe the message is being directed at you ).

lifechanger · 22/12/2011 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrendelsMum · 22/12/2011 19:54

I get the impression that you're upset about something quite specific and important, and it's not the goats, which are pretty trivial. I really don't think that having one more or one fewer gift will make any different to your DC.

Are you actually worrying because you're concerned this shows that, if your DH becomes increasingly ill over the years, you won't get any support from your in-laws? Are you thinking that this shows that your in-laws don't appreciate that you're feeling financially quite stretched? Are you feeling that the in-laws don't know your children very well and weren't able to think of what toy to give them? Are you thinking that your in-laws are saying you're morally inferior?

When you say you think abut the financial future and feel panicky, I think that's quite concerning. Are all your financial worries justified? I'm sure that many of them are, but I think that the worries about university may not be - come and have a talk on the Further Education threads if that's a real concern.

floweryblue · 22/12/2011 19:55

I think it's a nice present, although your DC may be a bit too young to appreciate it. He might have got them something little to unwrap as well.

slavetofilofax · 22/12/2011 19:55

he will recieve a gift for himself on Christmas day. This is the main part that annoys me. Why does he get to decide that others have too much, while receiving more for himself?

This will only happen if you and your dh choose to give that to him, he is not in control of that. You could give him the same thing, or the equivalent to the charity of your choice.

toddlerama · 22/12/2011 19:57

YANBU. That's not a gift for your children at all. It's a gift to a charity he wanted to give but it has nothing to do with your kids. Why tell your children that "I gave away the money I was going to spend on you". Better just to give them nothing.

skybluepearl · 22/12/2011 19:58

I think its crap. I'd buy a goat for my auntie - not a child. I think you need to set up a savings account and ask him if he could give the kids a cheque in the future - that way the money can go towards something like driving lessons or a college fees or a day out at a safari. If he wants to be charitable with his own money then thats fine but why deprive kids of something nice.

greenmoo · 22/12/2011 19:59

YANBU, in my opinion. It is a nice present but inappropriate for small children, I agree they are a bit young to be worrying yet about 'haves' and 'have-nots'. I also agree that if somebody is going make a donation to charity on your behalf they should inform you in advance so that you can decide how you want to proceed regarding their gift accordingly, it is unfair for them to be happy to get a gift for themselves whilst not wanting to give anybody else a gift for themselves.

skybluepearl · 22/12/2011 19:59

Give him his gift. Make a big fuss and joke that he is scroodge.

smokinaces · 22/12/2011 19:59

YABU. My 3yo and 5yo would find it quite exciting to have been bought a goat - Can imagine them sitting round my PC trying to google one that looks like theirs. Far more exciting at that age to "adopt an animal" then receive cash etc.

And FWIW, you are well off by a lot of standards!! and please, stop panicing about a 2 and 4 year old going to uni - you have at least 14 years, and they may not even want to go. And if they do, they can do what thousands of others do and get a loan.

TheFidgetySheep · 22/12/2011 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinkyNonker · 22/12/2011 20:00

Yanbu really, this isn't a present chosen with the receiver in mind as the dc are too young.

quirrelquarrel · 22/12/2011 20:01

YABVU...it's all right to say you support it, you have to actually go through with it too. At least they'll remember it and, when they're older, think about it. Much better than yet another thing you can get from any old shop. I loved it when my friend bought me one, I thought it was special. No one else got me something like that, it was all more stuff.

I think all my Christmas presents will be from charity shops/eBay Hmm certainly can't see my mum going into Waterstones and buying books at £7.99 a pop! Don't know why it bothers people, I don't imagine it really does, once you stop thinking about it...

minimisschief · 22/12/2011 20:01

i agree with toddlerdrama. how is giving a gift to charity a gift to the children in any way shape or form.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 22/12/2011 20:01

"I was so inspired by your kindness in giving to oxfam as a gift for my children that I donated the gift that we had bought for you to the homeless shelter. I knew that you'd be delighted about that."

Dozer · 22/12/2011 20:02

Yanbu, ridiculous non-"gift" for such young children. Those kind of things are surely for people to give to teens or adults who'd appreciate the gesture.

Also agree with toddlerama.

Is fil trying to make a point about you / your parenting and materialism (re the earlier comments about toys)? If so then he's being a dick, how rude and judgmental.