To be angry that fil has got the dc Oxfam goats for Christmas?

[lecce]

I'm not sure exactly why but this has seriously pissed me off. The dc are 2 and 4 and these 'gifts' arrived today in the post, though fil will be spending Christmas day with us.

We are not hugely well-off and I suppose I feel that if he thinks the dc don't need yet more toys (they are by no means spolit, but I often get the sense form all the in-laws that they think our dc have too much - odd little comments like, "My goodness, those can't all be your toys surely," etc etc) he could have got clothes, paid for a day out or put money in their savings account etc. I know it probably doesn't show me in a very positive light, but I don't think our dc are so ridiculously priviliged that they need to be taught this lesson. Of course they are well-fed, clothed and have plenty of toys (some of their clothing and toys are second-hand, though admittedly only because there are brands I like that I can't afford new) but we can't afford holidays other than UK camping, expensive days out more than a couple of times a year and some of their Christmas presents are from Ebay. When I think about the future and the dc going to university I feel a bit panicky. Dh also has MS so our future is perhaps a little more uncertain than others'.

Of course we are hugely better off than the people Oxfam help but so is fil and he has not informed us that this is what he is doing and told us to get him a simialr gift has he? No, he will recieve a gift for himself on Christmas day. This is the main part that annoys me. Why does he get to decide that others have too much, while receiving more for himself?

For the record, I try to make the dc aware of others less fortunate than themselves and we often donate old itemss to charity and talk about the children who might be receiving them. However, I feel they are too young to have to worry about this too much and I don't want to make them feel guilty about what they have. In any case, I don't feel it is up to fil to dictate the way in which we appraoch the moral education of our dc.

I am so annoyed - AIBU?

OP what happened in the end? Please come back and tell us.

You should either give a present or say you are making a charitable donation and not giving presents. To make a present of the donation is lazy, officious, moralising and unpleasant. It is bad enough when it is adults that do this to other adults ( I had two last year and was really pissed off when I had spent time and trouble searching for just the right thing for the two friends concerned) but to do it to children is unforgivable.

I would also like to know what happened.

please come back op and put me out of my misery!

You should either give a present or say you are making a charitable donation and not giving presents. To make a present of the donation is lazy, officious, moralising and unpleasant. It is bad enough when it is adults that do this to other adults ( I had two last year and was really pissed off when I had spent time and trouble searching for just the right thing for the two friends concerned) but to do it to children is unforgivable.

I gave some Oxfam unwrapped gifts this year, small ones alongside large presents, and I spent time choosing which ones would be most approprate for who. For example, I chose "train a beekeeper" for my ILs and they get free seeds with it that attract bees to the garden, as they are keen gardeners. My trainee nurse friend got a 'free health check'. Get it? You sound like an awful, grasping person. If you only give gifts to receive what's the point??

She upated here :)

Just saw this. I would say it's not really a suitable present for a 2 and 4 year old. Maybe a 7/8 year old could understand it and learn lessons from it, but then it's a bit self-righteous. I don't like it as an adult when I get collared on the street for charity donations, I certainly wouldn't like it as a 4 year old!

Isn't the whole animal sponsoring thing is a marketing ploy anyway? Your donation goes to the charity and they do with it what they wish. Your £30 or however much does not buy a goat. Bigger charities often have quite shocking stats when it comes to how many pennies in the pound actually go on frontline work- they have huge overheads- marketing, PR staff etc. I try to support the much smaller development charities with a bigger focus on direct frontline work.

mill you can specify that it goes on what you asked for, or as a general donation.

I too would love to know what happened in the lecce household over Christmas. Please, please, come back and tell us!

2 and 4 year olds don't care about Oxfam goats, but they don't keep present score either.
It's the parents who are sensitive...

To the OP, would you rather have some annoying noisy tat? No, neither would I.

Gwendoline Thank you for posting the link to my update - I am rubbish at stuff like that .

To those who are still here berating me - if you follow the link you will see that I did calm down about it all and that, though fil did give the dc some presents, I had reslised by then that it didn't really matter that much.

However, I take exception to being called 'grasping' when I spent a fair old bit on a Christmas dinner, hospitality throughout the day as well as gifts for fil himself. I wasn't trying to 'grasp' anything at all and I only mentioned things he could have got instead of toys as a way of saying that there are alternatives to the 'plastic tat' that everyone kept on about. I would never dream of actually asking for any of it.

Finally, fil didn't actually give dh or me anything except another goat and while I am certainly not upset/angry about this, I will admit I am a teeny bit about someone more wealthy than me donating to charity via me, while accepting a gift for himself.

However, it certainly doesn't matter, there is no ill-feeling and I'm very glad I vented on here about it rather than to dh .

Thanks for all your interest, as well.

And now you know what to get him next year, one less present to decide!

Glad it turned out ok lecce. I do agree that if you want to donate to charity you should do it yourself with your money not with family's gift money. Seems a bit self-righteous otherwise. Particularly if the goat- buyer leaves with armfuls of tangible gifts for themselves!

Donation to charity is a personal choice and people often have strong views about what kinds of charities they want to donate too for good reason. I would be annoyed if I received said present as I stay away from big charities with flash offices and give to local/ smaller ones and would rather make that decision myself.

I would not buy these as gifts for somebody else. What I'd be more likely to do, and have done, would be to ask for a gift of them for myself.

have replied on other thread. Glad it all turned out well.

And no way are you "grasping"

I notice it is the people who buy the gifts who feel free to accuse those receiving them as grasping, and not vice versa. Surely if you belive in the cause you would tell others to donate to that charity, not accept gifts yourself, and then announce they have not got gifts because you spent the money on a charity donation in their name. It just comes across as smug and self satisifed, and if you do not donate the rest of the year or ask for donations to be made in your name instead of gifts it comes across like you just want to show everyone how good you are without forking out extra money. It is especially true that not everyone might agree with the chosen chairty so it is incredibly rude to make a donation in their name to something they do not support.