To be angry that fil has got the dc Oxfam goats for Christmas?

[lecce]

I'm not sure exactly why but this has seriously pissed me off. The dc are 2 and 4 and these 'gifts' arrived today in the post, though fil will be spending Christmas day with us.

We are not hugely well-off and I suppose I feel that if he thinks the dc don't need yet more toys (they are by no means spolit, but I often get the sense form all the in-laws that they think our dc have too much - odd little comments like, "My goodness, those can't all be your toys surely," etc etc) he could have got clothes, paid for a day out or put money in their savings account etc. I know it probably doesn't show me in a very positive light, but I don't think our dc are so ridiculously priviliged that they need to be taught this lesson. Of course they are well-fed, clothed and have plenty of toys (some of their clothing and toys are second-hand, though admittedly only because there are brands I like that I can't afford new) but we can't afford holidays other than UK camping, expensive days out more than a couple of times a year and some of their Christmas presents are from Ebay. When I think about the future and the dc going to university I feel a bit panicky. Dh also has MS so our future is perhaps a little more uncertain than others'.

Of course we are hugely better off than the people Oxfam help but so is fil and he has not informed us that this is what he is doing and told us to get him a simialr gift has he? No, he will recieve a gift for himself on Christmas day. This is the main part that annoys me. Why does he get to decide that others have too much, while receiving more for himself?

For the record, I try to make the dc aware of others less fortunate than themselves and we often donate old itemss to charity and talk about the children who might be receiving them. However, I feel they are too young to have to worry about this too much and I don't want to make them feel guilty about what they have. In any case, I don't feel it is up to fil to dictate the way in which we appraoch the moral education of our dc.

I am so annoyed - AIBU?

What RomanChristingle said.

And I cannot see anything the OP has said that sounds in the least bit 'grabby', what a silly thing to say.

Obviously people are not saying that giving to charity is showing off per se but more that in this case OP feels as if FIL is making a point about her DCs being spoilt by choosing this "gift". Also, of course it is not an inappropriate gift in most cases but for a 2 and 4 year old I think it is. OP sounds far from grabby IMHO.

What's all this "At least you have family," business? We all have ishoos, we don't go around thinking, "Well, I can't get upset about that because other people are worse off," do we? yes, I have some extended family (though not as much as other people - I am an only and dh's sister is childless and will remain so - she has MS like him but has had it far more severely and it has pretty much ruined her life . ) So, my dc have no cousins and not really any extended family apart from pretty elderly people and my parents who, for various reasons, are not exactly the most child-friendly people.

So, I am lucky compared to some but not as lucky as others. The same as you, probably, Hiddenhome.

This thread is about a particular event that has annoyed me and I am on here to moan about it, as is my right.

No I don't want him to buy them a load of 'plastic tat' and I have not bought them any 'plastic tat' either - have you read my earlier posts?

I agree they are a better gift for someone that will appreciate it, but then my children often get things that are, imo, inappropriate from some people, as did I sometimes as a child. However, I was taught that you smile politely and say thank-you.

YANBU. Your FIL has not bought your DCs a gift, he has donated to charity.

I think it is a nice idea to give someone who has everything a voucher saying that you've bought a poor person a goat through Oxfam instead of buying them a present - I don't think it is a very kind or clever thing to do for the children of a young family who are finding times a bit tough.

However, all that said & done, I would be gracious about it. Suggest to him that he takes the DCs to the local farm / zoo as they have never seen a real live goat. Next year get in early with a very practical suggestion of something that would be of benefit to your DCs before he sponsors something else on their behalf.

Feel for you - try not to let it pray on your mind too much though.

I think it's great, personally. It might mean that you have to do a little work on your end, explaining the gift to your children, but it's better than a bunch of plastic junk that gets broken / ignored in a couple of days. If he's looking for gift ideas in the future why don't you suggest a contribution towards the children's extracurriculars or perhaps he could take them to a play or musical?

We once got goats for everyone in our extended family which were received gratefully by everyone except MIL who had a tantrum and said "if I wanted a goat I would have bought myself a bloody goat". She has a Christmas birthday so is a bit sensitive about gifts.

Perhaps he thinks they've got enough toys and didn't want to buy them any more to add to what they've already got. This is the gift choice that he's made and it's good that he's thought of them.

I'm sure the people on the receiving end of these chickens and goats are a damn site more appreciative than most of us here.

I've got a 2 year old. There simply isn't any way I could explain to him that his Christmas present was a charity goat for somebody else. He knows what a goat is and he knows they go mehhhhh and that is his level of goat understanding.

A charity goat for a 2 year old is no present at all and a lot of confusing conversation about goats, as far as that 2 year old is concerned.

A 2 year old is also unlikely to ask what Grandad has got them imo, therefore confusing conversations don't need to take place.

I think as ILs get older sometimes their priorities do seem a bit difficult to understand. I can see where he's coming from but it's really not appropriate for kids of that age.

Maybe best bet would be to rise above it though. It's not worth getting steamed up about.

If you can afford it, buy a box of cheap chocs and give them as his present if no other presents are proffered. And keep original pressie stashed away in case they are. After Xmas return his present and treat yourself (or put money away for DCs)

My boss donates our present money to charity every year. Again, you can't complain about it but she chooses charities that I personally would not give to. But such is life...

She doesn't have to tell the two year old does she? He'll be so happy with the cardboard boxes that his toys have come in that it'll be unnecessary to spell out the details. He won't even notice that FIL hasn't given him a wrapped gift. He's two, why would he worry about keeping a tally of gifts?

It all sounds petty beyond belief.

tbh I'd be quite happy with a charity goat for the dcs. At least you don't have to worry about where to store it, where to put the batteries and what to do with it once they've lost interest You don't even have to feed it!

Honestly, people are so negative and nit picky. Be happy, it's Christmas

I think I understand. The goats themselves are a lovely and brilliant thing to be donating to a third world family. Howevere, the children are 2 and 4. They will have no real concept, as yet, of world issues. Their grandfather thinks he is being a bit 'right on' by doing this 'for' the children. Very commendable but they are far too young to appreciate or understand it. Luckily, (I expect) they will gets lots of other presents, and, when they're older will understand more about the meaning behind the gift. It is a stupid 'present' for little kids though ('kids'!! hahahaha) and he is clearly only doing it to make himself look good. Well, that's what I am getting anyway

In that case, why bother getting the two year old anything if you're going to get them something but not tell them?

Hmmm. Years ago I specifically asked that the extended family donate to charities instead of buying our kids gifts, I just didn't want any more plastic crap in the house. Everyone I asked took great offense and promptly ignored me.

My kids get at least one of these charity-type gifts a year and we love them! They've had animals adopted at the zoo and we have gone to see them, and the WWF adoption kits are very popular. I'm not sure what they would make of a goat..

Of course, my kids also have socks and underwear wrapped up as presents for Sunday morning...

YANBU. If FIL wanted Oxfam to buy a goat, he should have requested it for himself, not given it to your DC. He didn't need to buy them much, or indeed anything at all, but doing this is a kick in the teeth for you and very judgmental imo.

Why don't you serve curried goat to him on Christmas Day as he likes goat so much . But, look on the good side, you now know what he would like for all his future Christmases and birthdays, don't you? Any charity giving, or donations to charity!

Do you know any farmers locally who would lend you one of their goats for Christmas morning?
You'll only need a bit of wrapping paper round its middle and a label... perfect present for FIL.

Off to bed now.. advocaat cocktail's kicking in..

Hmmm, I have strong feelings on these type of gifts and think they should only come from the purchaser as something they want to do themselves (not for others ) OR at the request of the 'receiver'.

However, I do think it is important that children grow to learn that not everyone is as fortunate as themselves.

Does anyone buy something like this each year, maybe 'from' their children to a third world family, maybe let them pick what they want to give as a gift each year? Im toying with starting this...buying something from my child for the benefit of another, and each year they could pick something at Christmas they want us to buy?

Anyone seen the Ricky Gervais Show sketch, where Karl Pilkington discusses these sorts of gifts?

LikeAnAdventCandle, we pick names from the Angel Tree each year, it's not quite like this but is charity. They have names (first name only) and ages of children that are in poor circumstances and likely won't receive gifts so each of my kids picks a name for a child of equal age/gender to them, and then we buy them a present. You stick the tag from the tree onto the present and put it in the collection box, to be distributed closer to Christmas.

That's nice. Taking the piss out of the recipients of this charity

If you don't want a load of electronic tat for your DC then instead of asking for a charity goat for your conscience from relatives who want to buy a present for your DC, ask for money, vouchers, clothes or something useful instead.

My DS got a portable potty from his aunt this year. He was delighted, as was I.

How has he thought of the children though? He has done the opposite. Is it thoughtful to buy a gift that the recipient isn't capable of wanting or even knowing what it is? A private donation to charity and a pack of Haribo to share would have been a lot more thoughtful.

YABU. No one has the right to expect a christmas gift.

Slightly odd to give the cash to charity rather than to you if there are things your children need/ would enjoy and you can't afford yourselves.

However I have been in the position of not buying children gifts as they have so much crap already and instead opting to give cash to the family (who I know are cash poor) with the proviso that it buy an 'experience' or something useful (ie. a term or two of swimming lessons or tumble tots/ a new car seat/ a 'big boy' bed/ or shoes for the year).

However the parents ignored my request/ suggestions and bought yet more plastic tat. Their house is already submerged in shite and they have a large extended family (of which I am a member) whose means extend to plastic tat but not big tag purchases.

This is the second time I've given this child an opportunity to do something out of their social box and the opportunity has been missed.

I know it isn't good form to put strings on gifts and whilst I can afford to give a generous gift I also don't agree with kids having endless mounds of toys when they barely have the essentials. Next time I might well buy a charity gift as my good intentions within my own family are being rejected.

Does any of this ring bells within your own family situation?

hiddenhome the OP has already said that it isn't up to her FIL to decide that her DC have too many toys. This has always been a favourite saying of my mum's too, yet when my children were very little we had no spare cash and relied on Xmas, birthdays etc. (The year the children got a toy kitchen it was to share between the 4 of them, while their friends got a similar thing each)

This goat scenario comes up every year on MN, with the same spread of opinions. Just because people don't agree with you doesn't make them wrong. If people want to donate to charity they are free to do so, quietly and on their own behalf (and with Gift Aid). I find it very arrogant to donate to a charity you've picked on behalf of someone else, in their name, calling it a present. It isn't.

good points lurkerspeaks

The FIL did mention that they have a lot of toys.