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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that fil has got the dc Oxfam goats for Christmas?

316 replies

lecce · 22/12/2011 19:46

I'm not sure exactly why but this has seriously pissed me off. The dc are 2 and 4 and these 'gifts' arrived today in the post, though fil will be spending Christmas day with us.

We are not hugely well-off and I suppose I feel that if he thinks the dc don't need yet more toys (they are by no means spolit, but I often get the sense form all the in-laws that they think our dc have too much - odd little comments like, "My goodness, those can't all be your toys surely," etc etc) he could have got clothes, paid for a day out or put money in their savings account etc. I know it probably doesn't show me in a very positive light, but I don't think our dc are so ridiculously priviliged that they need to be taught this lesson. Of course they are well-fed, clothed and have plenty of toys (some of their clothing and toys are second-hand, though admittedly only because there are brands I like that I can't afford new) but we can't afford holidays other than UK camping, expensive days out more than a couple of times a year and some of their Christmas presents are from Ebay. When I think about the future and the dc going to university I feel a bit panicky. Dh also has MS so our future is perhaps a little more uncertain than others'.

Of course we are hugely better off than the people Oxfam help but so is fil and he has not informed us that this is what he is doing and told us to get him a simialr gift has he? No, he will recieve a gift for himself on Christmas day. This is the main part that annoys me. Why does he get to decide that others have too much, while receiving more for himself?

For the record, I try to make the dc aware of others less fortunate than themselves and we often donate old itemss to charity and talk about the children who might be receiving them. However, I feel they are too young to have to worry about this too much and I don't want to make them feel guilty about what they have. In any case, I don't feel it is up to fil to dictate the way in which we appraoch the moral education of our dc.

I am so annoyed - AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
lecce · 22/12/2011 20:02

Ok, I knew I was sounding like a grasping cow but I still can't shake the feeling. I will of couse accept them in good grace and I do realise that they will mean a lot to the families who recieve them - I just don't understand why it is my dc who have to give them rather than fil himself.

Beattie I think that you are right - I feel he is trying to make a point about us and I feel it is totally unjustified (despite how I probably sound on here!). In any case, I don't feel he should use Christmas and the dc to 'teach us a lesson' - who appointed him as judge of us?

lifechanger I think that is a lovely idea and I'm sure we will do that - it's hard to get excited about doing stuff like that when you feel you have been forced into it, though. Tbh, ds2 is far too young to appreciate any of that so I think for him it has very little value.

I feel preached at, and it doesn't feel good. I was already annoyed at fil as we told him we'd ordered beef for Christmas Day and he went on and on about not forgetting the horeseradish sauce, even going on about recipes in the paper for it that day - felt a little demanding to me.

OP posts:
BerthaTheBogBurglar · 22/12/2011 20:03

What Liluri said. He's chosen to do something to make himself feel good, instead of something to make his gcs feel good.

Charity gifts are for giving to people who have requested them. For that, they are fab. But to give to a two year old? That's just self-serving.

Take the present you've bought for him back and get a refund and spend the money on something you need. Get your children to draw lots of pictures of goats, roll them up, tie a ribbon around them, and give him that as his present.

If he wants to use present-giving as a way of having a pointed dig at you, then you must assume that he is doing as he would be done by.

HairyNigel · 22/12/2011 20:04

YANBU

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 22/12/2011 20:04

Lol, definitely forget the horseradish sauce. If he complains, tell him not to be so rude.

quirrelquarrel · 22/12/2011 20:04

Also, you're not depriving the children! Confused
You are spending money on them- giving them a picture or whatever- letting them know you thought of them. Doesn't smack of deprivation exactly.

SpaghettiTwirlerPrancerVixen · 22/12/2011 20:04

A goat? Am I missing out on something here? Xmas Confused

I need to know about these goats before I can judge.

toddlerama · 22/12/2011 20:05

He sounds a bit of a knob. Serve goat instead of beef. You know how much he likes goat...

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 22/12/2011 20:05

tell him you'll all be having beans on toast because you've donated the beef to the local soup kitchen.

scummymummy · 22/12/2011 20:07

yanbu. crap preachy present that your children are far to young to appreciate.

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 22/12/2011 20:07

I suppose in essence, he is entitled to spend his money how he chooses, and it is lovely that he wishes to donate. The kids wouldn't have got a present anyways if he put money into their account, so it's not as if they 'will have nothing to open'. What I'd suggest doing, is buying a little goat each for them (toy one Grin ) say from ELC, and wrapping them up with the Oxfam Card. The 2 year old will just be happy to play with a little toy, and the 4 year old can learn that "this is what we have bought the poorly children in XXX as they needs lots of milk and goats are good for milk" so they can associate the toy with something 'more real'....I dont think I explained that very well Hmm

Maybe he will turn up with little something for them to open on the day?

Also, since your DDad has shown he favours this sort of gift, it makes your life easier in the future wrt gift buying.

TidyDancer · 22/12/2011 20:07

I would be genuinely thrilled if my ILs gave something like this to my DCs. They get presents from DP and I, and while my mum and ILs buy them toys, I would be equally happy for them to receive an Oxfam goat. DS would be excited (we got him an adopted penguin for his last birthday, he is still talking about it now!), and DD, while too young to 'get it' now, would be told about her lovely gift later on. It is her first Christmas this year, and it would be nice to tell her about her special present when she grows up.

duvetdayplease · 22/12/2011 20:08

I find these presents ok in some circs but I do think it's a bit miserable to get only this for young children. I would have said these plus a tiny toy would be ok. I accept the giver's right to buy them. My mum buys this kind of stuff regularly for me/other adults, I quite like it. But I have to say for my 2 year old I'd probably prefer a more conventional pressie.

It just says so much about the giver, and I think presents should be about the receiver. And Christmas is a time for kids to get excited really.

I totally agree with buying presents from charity shops though, we do a lot of that round here. So I guess I would prefer someone to spend 29p on a tiny car for a child and make a donation to charity rather than this, which can come off a bit pious.

My mum also bangs on about too many toys. It's an age thing I guess.

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 22/12/2011 20:08

YAButterelyU. He doesn't have to give them a gift at all, does he? I think it was a lovely idea, especially if he thinks the kids have too many toys. A goat for a family that needs it is so much more worthwhile than a day out to a safari park.

MissyMoo321 · 22/12/2011 20:09

Buying an oxfam goat for a 2 year old? wtf? yanbu

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 22/12/2011 20:10

BTW, my suggestion above is more a 'making the most of this situation' type post. My personal opinion is that they are ridiculous gifts to buy a 2 and 4 year old.

Oh, and are a pointed dig at you.

Take his gift back

IneedAChristmasNickname · 22/12/2011 20:10

quirrelquarrel your DM sounds like mine Xmas Grin A couple of years ago most of my presents were either from poundland, charity shops, or were things Mum had bought for my DGM who sadly passed away at Christmas. I thought it was fab as it was all stuff I liked, and who cares where it came from.

My DC are slightly older than the OPs, (7 and 5) and I discussed the idea of getting a goat before I bought it. They think it's a fab idea, as "Christmas isn't all about us, and some people don't have anything do they?" (words of 7 year old). He also said, "and anyway, everyone else will buy us presents too"

scummymummy · 22/12/2011 20:12

Donate the horseradish sauce to the local crisis at christmas lunch. And book him in as a server of their Christmas meal too so you don't have to have him over at all. He sounds like a pita.

LidlDonkey · 22/12/2011 20:14

It's his choice. You shouldn't EXPECT anything at all, so the fact that he's put some thought into it and done something nice is, I think, admirable. Anyway, how do you know he won't bring them another present on Christmas Day?

We decided (after the terrible tsunami a few years ago) that we would no longer buy presents for extended family and friends, but instead donate money to charity. We wrote to everyone, thanking them for their gifts and explained what we would be doing the following year, and encouraged them to do the same. Most of them were more than happy to do this instead. End result is that DS gets no presents from anyone but us and my parents, but he still has more than he needs plus several charities are benefitting.

I think it's nice to think of those who have nothing at Christmas and try to help them.

Original poster
lecce · 22/12/2011 20:14

He doesn't have to give them a gift at all, does he?

Really? He is their grandfather, is not short of money and will be spending Christmas Day with us. I'd say, yes, he does have to get them a gift. I know we shouldn't feel entitled and all, but really - why on earht would he not gety them a gift?

I know they will not miss out - they will get plenty of other presents and the 4yo at least will probably understand it on some level and benefit from it - I do think I am more annoyed about the fact that he is using the dc to make a point about dh and I.

OP posts:
BerthaTheBogBurglar · 22/12/2011 20:15

But if he didn't want to buy them a gift, then he should have had the guts to do that. Not buy them anything, and make a donation to charity (which he should have kept quiet about). Not pretend to buy them a gift which isn't a gift, and ostentatiously give money to charity that everyone else has to know about and applaud him for.

As for judging whether someone else's child has "too many toys"! Lecce, tell your FIL that he really has far too much stuff, so as his present, you and your family are all going to sing "The Lonely GoatHerd" for him.

newgirl · 22/12/2011 20:15

I think it is interest g that he has not given them the gifts in person. I think he might bring a gift on the day too.

nearlytoolate · 22/12/2011 20:15

will he (and mil??) be bringing another present in person? If so, then I think its fine. If not, I think its a bit judgemental, tbh.

MistyB · 22/12/2011 20:16

Have you seen the 'Outnumbered' Christmas special where Karen tells the person who has bought them a goat that it was not really a present for them but a present to the Sub Saharans?

BloodyWedding · 22/12/2011 20:17

he may well turn up on christmas day with another gift for them?

his gift would be nice for an adult but not for young children imo.

sosickofthesoundofscreaming · 22/12/2011 20:17

YANBU. In a similar vein, my sister once paid for my cousin's wedding to be carbon off-set as a wedding gift. It did not go down well. Goats/carbon offset/similar charity stunts = horrible preachy gifts to anyone, let alone a child.