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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that fil has got the dc Oxfam goats for Christmas?

316 replies

lecce · 22/12/2011 19:46

I'm not sure exactly why but this has seriously pissed me off. The dc are 2 and 4 and these 'gifts' arrived today in the post, though fil will be spending Christmas day with us.

We are not hugely well-off and I suppose I feel that if he thinks the dc don't need yet more toys (they are by no means spolit, but I often get the sense form all the in-laws that they think our dc have too much - odd little comments like, "My goodness, those can't all be your toys surely," etc etc) he could have got clothes, paid for a day out or put money in their savings account etc. I know it probably doesn't show me in a very positive light, but I don't think our dc are so ridiculously priviliged that they need to be taught this lesson. Of course they are well-fed, clothed and have plenty of toys (some of their clothing and toys are second-hand, though admittedly only because there are brands I like that I can't afford new) but we can't afford holidays other than UK camping, expensive days out more than a couple of times a year and some of their Christmas presents are from Ebay. When I think about the future and the dc going to university I feel a bit panicky. Dh also has MS so our future is perhaps a little more uncertain than others'.

Of course we are hugely better off than the people Oxfam help but so is fil and he has not informed us that this is what he is doing and told us to get him a simialr gift has he? No, he will recieve a gift for himself on Christmas day. This is the main part that annoys me. Why does he get to decide that others have too much, while receiving more for himself?

For the record, I try to make the dc aware of others less fortunate than themselves and we often donate old itemss to charity and talk about the children who might be receiving them. However, I feel they are too young to have to worry about this too much and I don't want to make them feel guilty about what they have. In any case, I don't feel it is up to fil to dictate the way in which we appraoch the moral education of our dc.

I am so annoyed - AIBU?

OP posts:
Blu · 22/12/2011 20:18

Personally I think people should ask for these gifts rather than give them to others as in 'please don't buy me anything, if you want to give me a present please sponsor a goat'. Though I have had an e mail that says 'instead of sending cards I have sponsored...XYZ Oxfam present' - which seems very good.

However - don't be so sure that your FIL won't turn up on the day with a little something for the children. He may well. And re the horseradish - isn't that just his way of saying how much he is looking forward to the beef? You call bhim demanding, maybe there is histiry here, but it is quite demanding to want him to behave how you want him to behave.

Anyway, I can't imagine anyone buying beef and not having horseradish!

Enjoy the day - unless you are bringing your kids up to count presents and tick of lists of things they have seen on TV, (and I'm surfe you're not) they probably won't notice whether he has given them an actual resent or not.

But showing them pics of where the goat is, explaining it etc, will probably be quite intriguing for them.

You don't need to feel preached at - don't take it so personally, it isn't about you.

Original poster
lecce · 22/12/2011 20:18

End result is that DS gets no presents from anyone but us and my parents, but he still has more than he needs plus several charities are benefitting.

That's lovely, but my dc only get that anyway - we have no extended family who buy gifts on either side. If close family are now going to give charity gifts then it only really leaves us to buy presents and we don't have a lot of spare cash.

Of course it is nice to think of others at Christmas - but why didn't fil just donate money or ask for donations instead of gifts for himself - why do it through small children?

OP posts:
TeapotsInJune · 22/12/2011 20:21

I'll go against the grain here, I think it's a lovely present and a great opportunity to teach children a bit about trying to reach out and help others - which at the end of the day is what Christmas is about.

This is one reason I hate gift buying: I'm not very good at it but all the same the idea of actually upsetting or making someone angry because I've spent some of my very limited budget on them - snarl!

bamboostalks · 22/12/2011 20:28

I would be cross too. Just so unnecessary to make it your children's gift. Perhaps he will bring another. I would actually confront him on it.

whostolemyname · 22/12/2011 20:31

Are you SURE he isn't going to be bringing them another gift on Christmas day?

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 22/12/2011 20:31

YANBU. Goats are all about the conscience of the giver and naff all to do with the recipient. If you want to donate to charity, do it separately or ask others to give on your behalf instead of presents. Using other people to do it is rotten. Essentially costs you nothing and makes you look good at someone else's expense.

Cherriesarelovely · 22/12/2011 20:32

Inappropriate for children of that age, I would say. A lovely idea for older kids but i have to say as a Grandparent I think it is mean not to give your grandchildren something fun to open on Christmas day.

Cherriesarelovely · 22/12/2011 20:32

I'm not a Grandparent, I mean that since FIL is one himself!

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 22/12/2011 20:33

Goats etc are lovely presents but not for such a young child who won't necessarily understand it. I think it is making a point and making himself look good instead of actually thinking about what might be useful (ie not just toys!) for his GC.

tabulahrasa · 22/12/2011 20:34

get that episode on DVD and sit and watch it on Christmas day, lol

nizlopi · 22/12/2011 20:40

I dunno, its a bit mean I guess if they're doing it to make a point, but at least the money did go to a charity. I mean, the people getting that goat will really really appreciate that, so although it has really annoyed you, I'd try and focus on the fact that there are worse ways they could have been horrible. At least someone benefited, even if it wasn't your kids.

WTAF · 22/12/2011 20:40

Is it too late to buy him this card I wonder? Probably. Shame!

YANBU. I would not be happy either.

slavetofilofax · 22/12/2011 20:40

So what are you going to do about his present OP, and how does your dh feel about the non gift?

teatimesthree · 22/12/2011 20:40

I bet he brings another present on the day. But even if he doesn't YABVU to want to dictate the terms of the gifts to your DC from their grandfather.

lurkinginthebackground · 22/12/2011 20:41

I think it is rather odd.
I can fully understand giving to charity but it should be him saying please don't buy me a gift rather donate to x charity.
the fact that he is coming for Christmas dinner would rile me too, that is gratuitous.
Op don't let it spoil your Christmas.
Next year how about telling him his Christmas dinner has been donated to a homeless person and then sitting down to enjoy your dinner, without him.

Tryharder · 22/12/2011 20:42

Charity goats are a crap present for a 2 and 4 year old. As others have said, they are great presents for adults who don't really need anything or those who can appreciate the concept of charity. How do you explain to a 2 year old that Grandad bought some goats on her behalf to give to a family in Africa.

He may well turn up with some big parcels on Xmas Day though in which case I take back what I just wrote Grin

WitchOfEndor · 22/12/2011 20:42

I quite like this type of present - DH sponsored a guide dog puppy for my birthday and I was thrilled with that, but I think your children are far too young to understand the meaning behind the gift. Sounds like he is trying to send you a message and he shouldn't use the dcs Christmas presents to do that.

Still, at least you know what to get him for his birthday Xmas Smile

floweryblue · 22/12/2011 20:42

Do the children get updates/newsletters about their goats or the new goat owners? If they do, it's a year long present, with lots of interesting things to engage them with. Maybe a point of interest your FIL can chat to your DC about when he sees them.

SantasENormaSnob · 22/12/2011 20:44

Yanbu

if he feels so strongly about the goat appeals then surely it's better to request one as his own gift.

I have no aversion to charity gifts for adults but even then I think it should be a charity that the reciever chooses iyswim.

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 22/12/2011 20:46

my sister once paid for my cousin's wedding to be carbon off-set as a wedding gift

Oh. My. Word.

I need to know where to arrange this incase I am hammered with grabby-grabby Wedding Lists in the new year. What a fabulous way to stick two fingers up to a couple just looking to re-furbish their house Grin

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/12/2011 20:46

Hate charity gifts with a passion, they are all about the person giving not the receiver unless specifically requested. Oxam is not a charity I support so I would be even less pleased.

Young children can be taught the true meaning of xmas without a goat.

FredFredGeorge · 22/12/2011 20:48

What's a 2 year old going to do with a goat? I mean if it was in the garden then I can see that they could enjoy it, but it's thousands of miles away, maybe at 2 they're equipped enough to understand but I don't think so.

As others have said, these things to me are bad gifts, over-priced way to give to charity (the cost of supporting the gift means only some of the money actually goes to the goat against a straight donation, even more so once you add gift aid) So the charity doesn't really get much benefit. So it's a purely selfish gift (although I don't really understand what the giver gets out of giving a 2year old a goat)

fedupofnamechanging · 22/12/2011 20:49

He doesn't have to give them a gift at all, does he?

He hasn't bought them a gift.

2 and 4 are far too young to understand the point of buying a goat. If people want to do this, then great. But not at the expense of their baby grandchildren, who shouldn't have a clue about poverty at this age anyway.

If he doesn't turn up with something for them on the day, then he is making a point to you, through your dc, which is just horrible. It would be the last Christmas he spent in my house.

chickydoo · 22/12/2011 20:49

Think at 2 and 4 your kids are a bit young to get the whole charity at Christmas thing, maybe when they are a bit older? Make sure you tell your father in Law you have donated his gift to oxfam too

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 22/12/2011 20:50

How do you know he won't be coming with presents on the day as well? Or have I missed that?