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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that fil has got the dc Oxfam goats for Christmas?

316 replies

lecce · 22/12/2011 19:46

I'm not sure exactly why but this has seriously pissed me off. The dc are 2 and 4 and these 'gifts' arrived today in the post, though fil will be spending Christmas day with us.

We are not hugely well-off and I suppose I feel that if he thinks the dc don't need yet more toys (they are by no means spolit, but I often get the sense form all the in-laws that they think our dc have too much - odd little comments like, "My goodness, those can't all be your toys surely," etc etc) he could have got clothes, paid for a day out or put money in their savings account etc. I know it probably doesn't show me in a very positive light, but I don't think our dc are so ridiculously priviliged that they need to be taught this lesson. Of course they are well-fed, clothed and have plenty of toys (some of their clothing and toys are second-hand, though admittedly only because there are brands I like that I can't afford new) but we can't afford holidays other than UK camping, expensive days out more than a couple of times a year and some of their Christmas presents are from Ebay. When I think about the future and the dc going to university I feel a bit panicky. Dh also has MS so our future is perhaps a little more uncertain than others'.

Of course we are hugely better off than the people Oxfam help but so is fil and he has not informed us that this is what he is doing and told us to get him a simialr gift has he? No, he will recieve a gift for himself on Christmas day. This is the main part that annoys me. Why does he get to decide that others have too much, while receiving more for himself?

For the record, I try to make the dc aware of others less fortunate than themselves and we often donate old itemss to charity and talk about the children who might be receiving them. However, I feel they are too young to have to worry about this too much and I don't want to make them feel guilty about what they have. In any case, I don't feel it is up to fil to dictate the way in which we appraoch the moral education of our dc.

I am so annoyed - AIBU?

OP posts:
fatlazymummy · 22/12/2011 21:31

hereso kittykitty that's fine if you would rather that someone made a charitable donation instead of buying your child a gift. That doesn't make it a gift for your child though. The two are seperate things.

mybrainsthinkingfuckyousanta · 22/12/2011 21:31

YAVDNBU

your children are 2 and 4 FFS - they are NOT 'going to remember getting a goat for xmas' nor will they understand the concept.
it will cost you more to have to buy scrapbooks, toy goats etc but i would probably do that and show them the video on the oxfam site

www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/oxfam-unwrapped-animal-lovers/OU5028LS

he spent FIFTY quid if they both got one but could have bought ONE as the donation and then allocated the other 25 quid for tickets to a farm if you don't get to do trips yourself because you're skinteven though FIL thinks you're frivolous /or he could have bought them cuddly goats, scrapbooks etc as a project while you cook his flaming xmas dinner which probably cost you as much.

Thing is if you buy a panda from WWF for example you get a toy and certificate etc if you sponsor a child you get letters and photos if you adopt an animal at the zoo you get a photo - someone might be able to tell me if Oxfam do anything further than a card. For toddlers it does make a difference.

Suggest you take back his present and adopt an animal at your local zoo and give him the adoption certificate on Sunday. What is good for the goose...

hiddenhome · 22/12/2011 21:31

YABU and seem to be very 'grabby' Hmm

My dc's don't have a lot of extended family and it's up to me and dh to provide for them.

What would you say if FIL was too poor to buy them something or could only afford a bag of sweets, would you be so unpleasant about him because of that as well?

You're lucky to have extended family. I'd love for my FIL to still be alive to see the dcs growing up Sad

I agree with HereKittyKitty this thread is depressing.

TheMonster · 22/12/2011 21:33

They would enjoy a bag of sweets, hiddenhome.

LaFilleSurLePont · 22/12/2011 21:37

If you like charity gifts then that's fine,Kitty,I'd happily buy you one,but I see no point in purchasing so called 'gifts' for people who would not appreciate them. Why not make a donation yourself and give more money that way,via Giftaid? Why involve an uniterested third party who isn't actually receiving a gift,unless as mentioned above you know they'd appreciate it.

I wouldn't be thrilled to 'receive' a goat,as I don't support Oxfam,for various reasons,but I'd be happy if a donation was made to another charity that I do support,if I'd asked for donations to be made instead of gifts.
However giving such an item to someone that wouldn't appreciate it isn't really right imho.

Original poster
lecce · 22/12/2011 21:38

I can't believe people are so cynical that they think that people giving to charity is somehow showing off. Well, maybe this is because there are other ways of giving to charity that don't involve pretending it's a gift for someone else and therefore publicising your donation. I have two direct debits set up, fil won't be aware of this because I have had no reason to tell him as I have never seen fit to use his birthday as a way of increasing my donation.

OP posts:
IneedAChristmasNickname · 22/12/2011 21:39

I agree with HereKittyKitty and hiddenhome My DC will get various things for Christmas, from toys, to new suitcases and a goat. I'm fairly certain they will love the suitcases as much, if not more, than some of their other things!

And as for returning FILs present, I was always taught that you don't give to recieve.

LaFilleSurLePont · 22/12/2011 21:39

That said, personally I'd be a little puzzled but not exactly pissed,OP,as I'd presume,not knowing your FIL,that the 'gift' was well meant,and given with good intentions,not in an attempt to annoy you.

LaFilleSurLePont · 22/12/2011 21:41

You can't return it,even if you want to.

LaFilleSurLePont · 22/12/2011 21:43

But new suitcases are given to your dcs,I need,therefore they're an actual gift for them.Nothing wrong with that

perceptionreality · 22/12/2011 21:44

YANBU

Usually I'd say you shouldn't criticise any gift. But to buy this for a 4 year old and a 2 year old is really mean. One day they will be old enough to understand the point of a gift like this but not now......if the gift means nothing to them it's pointless.

RomanChristingle · 22/12/2011 21:44

YANBU at all! And that is coming from someone who actually regularly buys charity gifts. The difference is I buy them for adult relatives who have said that is what they want. Your kids (particularly the 2 year old) will have no idea what is going on. Your fil has made a donation to a charity of HIS choice (which is very nice of him) but I don't think he should be passing it off as a gift to your kids. I wouldn't buy a charity gift for an adult who hadn't requested it - let alone a child.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 22/12/2011 21:46

Indeed they are lafille but peoples attitudes recently (not just on here but in general) seem to be that children shouldn't get anything that isn't 'fun' as a present.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 22/12/2011 21:46

Agree that 2 and 4 are too young to get the concept so it feels judgey.

Although having read the thread now think its a great idea for slightly older children if you accompany it with pictures, trip to a farm, put some effort into explaining the concept to them - but that should also be down to the giver of the gift.

YANBU

didldidi · 22/12/2011 21:47

Its not giving to charity thats showing off, its telling everyone that you are donating that's showing off.

RomanChristingle · 22/12/2011 21:48

What would be better for an older child imo (not sure if charities do this) would be a voucher so they can look through the booklet and choose which charity they donate to.

Original poster
lecce · 22/12/2011 21:48

I'm aware, as I have said before, that I probably come across as 'grabby', hiddenhome, but I fail to see what I have said that gives you the right to say that I would be rude to or about a family member who could not afford to provide gifts for my children. I am hacked off because fil has chosen to use my children to make a point about how frivilous he feels dh and I are and how generous and altruistic he is. Of course I wouldn't judge him in anyway if he couldn't afford gifts Hmm.

I think I am annoyed about dh's whole family re gift-giving, tbh. Mil (divorced from fil) is always on about bees and how we need to ensure their survival so last year we got her a bee-house thing for the garden to encourage bees. She said, "Oh, does this mean I won't be able to go in the garden, then?" and then never looked at it. It is not in her garden. So, she wants bees to survive and thrive, just not in her garden?

And now this from fil remindds me of that...

OP posts:
ronx · 22/12/2011 21:49

YANBU. Buy your FIL a goat and nothing else.

LaFilleSurLePont · 22/12/2011 21:50

Nothing wrong with suitcases imho.I received one many moons ago as one of my Christmas gifts,and was thrilled with it. I stored all sorts of stuff in it until my holiday,and looked forward to using it then.

Surely it's normal to receive some more 'practical' gifts at Christmas,and not just toys? I realise that's a debate for another topic,though it sounds like we've already had it.

hiddenhome · 22/12/2011 21:53

Oh, stop moaning. At least you have family.

What do you want him to buy them? £3 million quids worth of plastic crap?

This is just what Christmas is all about isn't it? Hmm

You should be grateful that he's at least thought about something for them, however inappropriate you think it might be.

You buy them the plastic tat and leave your FIL to buy the charity goats.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 22/12/2011 21:54

I agree it's normal too, but then I don't have a problem with Oxfam goats either :)

fatlazymummy · 22/12/2011 21:54

hiddenhome it's not for them though. It's for someone else.

LaFilleSurLePont · 22/12/2011 21:55

Do we really have to start with the 'At least you have family' guilt trip. Does that mean that no one can ever complain about a family member?

LaFilleSurLePont · 22/12/2011 21:55

I don't have a problem with Oxfam goats for people who'll appreciate them,as I may have mentioned.

IronOrchid · 22/12/2011 21:57

Agree with HereKittyKitty. This thread is depressing.

Whinging about not being able to return the gift (of a charitable donation), and that it's just 'showing off' - fuck's sake, others are benefiting that don't even have money feed themselves, never mind buy brand-name clothing (albeit on eBay, obvs.). Forget about any perceived slight and be glad something good is going to those who need it.

Fucking Hell. I despair.