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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that 3 kids, and planning a 4th, in a tiny 2 bedroomed house is a bit much?

208 replies

choccywoccydoohdah · 13/12/2011 08:42

AIBU?

Someone I know had her third child 6 months ago; they live in a tiny house, literally a kitchen and living room downstairs, and 2 small bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs. The older 2 children share a bedroom and there is just enough room for a bunk bed and all their stuff, and the baby is still in with them, the cot is at the end of their bed and they cannot walk round past their bed past the cot, they have to climb over the bed to get out of the room.

Now they are planning baby #4 and have no intention of moving, as their rent is cheap but I honestly cannot see where they are going to fit baby #4. Their home is understandably cluttered on every surface with their stuff, got knows where another baby's stuff will go, let alone where it will sleep.

I'm not one for being adament every child should have its own room etc but I do think being crammed into a house like sardines isn't a good idea either. I think they are on a council/HA housing list but have been told they are very low priority as they have a roof over their heads.

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 13/12/2011 18:41

I have been benefits for 13 years as i am a carer for my severly disabled child. I feel too guilty to have another child that i couldn't financially support on my own. I'd love another child but cannot afford it.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 13/12/2011 18:45

the couple who lived in this house before us had - either 5 or 6 children - I think it may have been 6 but I'm not entirely sure.

It's a 2 bed.

I have no idea how they did it, but they did it.

At the end of the day, as long as you've got a roof over your head, can cook, got somewhere to sit and somewhere to sleep - you manage.

My grandad was one of 5 children in a 2 up 2 down.

I think it's a fairly modern thing to expect a room each, or max 2 to a room.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 13/12/2011 18:49

Oh, but if they do think that this 4th child will mean they get a bigger house - they may be disappointed / in for a bloody long wait. This is a HA property and the family I just mentioned waited many years for a bigger house.

Laquitar · 13/12/2011 19:29

They don't have the 4th child yet, they just had the 3nd. Maybe she said that she will go for the 4th just to piss OP off Grin

AlfalfaMum · 13/12/2011 19:46

I suppose it depends a bit on your perspective, if you bear in mind the fact that most families in the world have one room to live in, this situation looks just fine.

CheerfulYank · 13/12/2011 20:16

The best sleepovers happen with all the kids in sleeping bags on the living room rug anyway, at least when I was a kid.

YABU, OP. We have a little house and just one DS, but I'm hoping to have four or five children. We'll make it work. We have a big yard and lots of parks, we'll spend a lot of time outside. :)

jellybeans · 13/12/2011 20:46

We have 5 DC and have had loads of sleepovers, most weekends recently. DD's have a triple bunk so there is a spare bed but usually they ask to sleep on the floor (it's a big room). DS's have a big room too and plenty of space aswell as a spare bed. Some of DC's friends have never had sleepovers as they aren't allowed-even though they have huge houses! It's more about giving up your privacy/space/sleep for a while for your kids to have fun.

jellybeans · 13/12/2011 20:48

Another thing is that sometimes it is better to live in a small house in a better area than a big house in a bad area. We stay where we are as it is fine for us for now (we may extend eventually) and in a very good area with very expensive housing. We would rather have less space and be in this area.

thepeoplesprincess · 13/12/2011 21:10

I disagree that small children don't need space and can happily sleep four to a bedroom. I only have two kids in a two-bed flat (they're in bunkbeds) yet every single bloody night of every single bloody week/month/year I have an issue with getting them both to sleep and to stay asleep. My oldest cannot and will not leave the youngest alone to sleep, and the poor little kid looks fecking exhausted most of the time. Four kids in one tiny room sounds stupid and irresponsible to me.

lockets · 13/12/2011 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovepigs · 13/12/2011 21:25

We have 3 dcs and are in a 2 bed terrace. Ds1 and dd2 shared and ds2 was in with us but he is now in their room.

3 dcs in a room-I must be a bad mother right?Hmm

My kids are perfectly happy-it is a good size room and can fit bunkbeds,a cotbed,wardrobe and drawers and still have some room to play.

We have a very big bedroom so if we dont move within the next couple of years then we will partion that for the kids.

I also get judgey comments about the size of our house/family-people should mind their own fucking business.

nerfmum · 13/12/2011 21:27

I have 3 boys in one room. I have found they sleep much better. No issues with DS2 or DS3 trying to climb in to our bed in the middle of the night as they weren't lonely. Sometimes I wonder if we ever did win the lottery if I wouldn't keep the 2 youngest (3 and 6) sharing a bedroom.
We own our house BTW but bought 11 yrs ago when prices were well below what they are now and can not afford to have a bigger mortgage.

AvadventKalendar · 13/12/2011 21:30

love the assumptions that every large family is reliant on benefits Hmm

wigglesrock · 13/12/2011 21:32

I lived in a small semi with 2 dds and God help me I had to climb over the bed when the cot was in our room, funny enough we survived and it didn't seem to affect the baby much.

We subsequently moved to a bigger house and dd1 and dd2 insist on sharing a room now that they have the space not to need to - bloody kids. When we lived in the smaller house I definitely took my kids out more, they probably had a lot more fresh air/outside time than they do now.

I know we can't mention the old days/grandparents etc Shock, but one of my grannys had 7 in a three bedroom and the other had 6 in a three bedroom, they had more children but with the age gaps, the elder ones were out by the time the babies were getting up a bit.

aldiwhore · 13/12/2011 21:34

Our cottage is tiny (3 beds but one used as an office and storeage for work gear - for insurance reasons) and I often think it would be marvelous to have more space, but I know that over the last 150 yrs that this cottage has stood, we're the smallest family to have lived here!

We're comfy.

TBH, its no one else's business. It probably sounds a nightmare to some, not to others. I enjoy living in close proximity to my family, if I want to escape I have a bath.

misdee · 13/12/2011 21:52

none of my lot have issues getting to sleep. even when all 4 girls pile in together. in fact they tend to sleep better together than apart.

Barbielovesken · 13/12/2011 21:53

I grew up in a teeny tiny cottage but it was just me and my mum so it was fine. I would gave ideally liked more privacy as I got into my teen years to be honest (as in sure my mum did) both bedrooms led immediately into the sitting room/kitchen and you could hear every conversation from every room even if it was whispered. Not ideal.

My dh is one of 5 - he grew up in a 3 bed - 4 boys in one room, the only girl in the box room. He absolutely hated it and even now, his mum says she wished he could have had his own room. His brothers were very loud and boisterous, he liked to read a lot but never could in peace. Trouble sleeping as they were always fighting/ messing and absolutely no privacy whatsoever.

Probably due to this we hold our house size as a huge deciding factor on how many dc we'll have. We currently have 3 and are considering (a final!) fourth. We have a large house - large kitchen with a large table and island for eating/ homework, large sitting room etc. We've 4 bedrooms so currently each child has their own room so are reluctant as another would mean 2 have to share- we have a large playroom that we've considered turning into a bedroom if needs be but not ideal as one would be sleeping downstairs and we want then to have a playroom/ turn it into a second sitting room for them during the teen years. We've went as far as considering building on another room if we decide on a fourth.

Nope. Definitely wouldn't be for us.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 13/12/2011 22:03

You know, DH's grandad was from a mining family and was the eldest of 9. He was sent down the mine on his 14th birthday because the table needed grub even though his teacher begged for him to stay because he was so clever. He went on to have 5 dc - girls in one room, boys in the other. They all entered fe, the girls becoming nurses and teachers and the boys with an own business and v. successful army even though he started as "other ranks".

DH and I have pots of money and always have. In 1994 we bought a massive house in London and planned lots ofchildren. After 5 pgs and huge amounts of heartbreak we managed to produce two children. We would have loved a herd but it wasn't to be.

I would give up every privilege, every square foot of space, every positive bank balance for the children that weren't to be.

YABU I'm afraid and sometimes, even thought the dc are big healthy teenagers with huge privileges and a disgustingly expensive education and every advantage, I still cry for the huge family we might have had and wish there were five at the local comp because frankly £100,000 pa post tax might even have been beyond us.

working9while5 · 13/12/2011 22:09

I don't think it is really that important.

BIL's family were 8 in a 3 bed. Parents in one room, 5 boys in one room, 3 girls in one room. They are seriously the closest, most functional family I have ever met.

My father's were 8 in a similar set up, dysfunctional as hell.

Space/stuff don't make for a happy or unhappy childhood, it's how relationships are managed.

CatPussRoastingByAnOpenFire · 13/12/2011 22:18

My Gran was one of 13!! In a three up 2 down mid terrace, with an outside toilet!

Yuuule · 13/12/2011 22:22

" it's how relationships are managed."
I agree. I also think it's dependant on personalities too. I believe some people are born 'onlies' and some need siblings. An 'only' will struggle in a large family and need a lot of consideration from other family members. A child who needs siblings could be lonely on their own and need lots of friends/cousins to interact with. Of course, as ever, there will be those who fall between the extremes which is probably where most are.

OriginalChristmasPoster · 13/12/2011 22:23

If the parents sleep on a sofa bed, they'd have two dcs in each bedroom which is fine. As others have said in other cultures whole extended families share small living spaces, if you're born into it, it would be normal for you.

Yuuule · 13/12/2011 22:25

" if you're born into it, it would be normal for you."

I think it is only normal if everyone around you is similar. As children get older then they would notice any differences.

GypsyMoth · 13/12/2011 22:30

Peoplesprincess... I think you have a parenting issue then, as I have 3 boys to a room but experience nothing at all like what you described Hmm

Confuseddd · 13/12/2011 23:02

Thanks Olgaga for pointing to the research. I am aware of research about deer kept in confined quarters - resulting in more aggressive behaviour than amongst herds with enough space.

I have had 2 dcs in a one bed and believe me We get on better now that we're not falling over one another.

Having more kids than you can provide for is something that nobody needs to do anymore - contraception is freely available. Can people not get a hobby? Or just focus their love and attention on the children they have? I'm one of 6 and my parents did not have the resources - still coming to terms.

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