to feel just a tiny bit of sympathy for some of these blokes?

[extremepie]

I was reading a magazine the other day which had an article where one of the writers had gone on to a 'dating' site and asked for a 'date' to her work Christmas party.

She got lots of responses, most of which from married or attached men - 12 of these were featured in the article alongside the mens' names and pictures (although these could have been false), along with the response they wrote.

Now, some of the guys sounded like complete a*holes, with messages along the lines of 'my wife is really boring in bed' and 'I want some excitement' or 'I don't get it often enough - obviously this is not on.
Some of the other guys, however, I felt just a little bit sorry for.

One was 30, and his wife had had their son over a year before and they had not had sex since. He also said he was not interested in leaving his wife but just wanted someone to pay attention to him.

Another was in his 50's and said he and his wife had not been intimate in years.

Basically I just felt a little bit bad for these men - ok some people don't have matching sex drives and especially after having a baby you might be tired and have less time on your hands but to completely deny your partner any sort of attention or intimacy is a bit unfair?

Shouldn't there be some form of compromise in a committed relationship rather than 'well I don't feel like it and its just tough if you do, it's not happening'?

It's not just the sex it's everything that goes with it!

AIBU to think that these mens' actions, while definately not to be condoned, is at least understandable given the lack of attention and intimacy they get at home?

How do you explain then, all the 'unhappy' people who don't cheat and never would?

Tbh I think it's beyond ridiculous to even consider that a unhappy people are unhappy in the same way and have same reactions to their lack of fufillment.

What's the Tolstoy quote? All happy families are the same, all unhappy families Are unhappy in their own way.

• OP you might as well have said that some women whose partners have affairs were 'asking for it' -

I haven't said that at any point, nor do I think that is the case! I'm not 'blaming the victim', as I have already said I would be massively angry with my DH if he ever cheated on me, whatever the reason.

I don't think there are good reasons for cheating, I feel that problems people have in their relationships can be resolved in other ways.

Maybe I have worded it badly but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that cheating (or sex within a relationship) is not always a black and white issue.

We have no idea what their relationships are like. Not to say that if their relationship is bad they have an excuse for cheating, I just think sometimes it is not quite as cut and dried as it seems.

There are times when one person cheats on the other, they are forgiven and the relationship continues. In some of these cases one of the reasons the 'cheatee' is able to forgive and move on is because they realise that they might have had some small part to play in the breakdown of the relationship (not necessarily anything to do with sex)

Does that make sense? Not sure I'm verbalising my thoughts in a coherent way but I'm trying!

(FWIW, if my DH ever cheated on me for any reason, I don't think I would forgive him but that's just me!)

Yes and it's the same for people who are 'happy'. Some happy people will cheat, some unhappy people won't. The happiness quotient isn't the distinguishing factor. A personal set of morals is.

Like a said before, I also didn't like the way the article was presented as 'cheating is wrong, look at these horrible cheaters, if their wives see this and leave them it serves them right'.

Men are often used as examples in this way - ok, men probably do it much more often, but women do cheat too.

There were no women featured in the article, why?

I'm pretty sure the men in the article did not give their consent (who would give their consent if they were outed like that?) and I think the repercussions of putting someone's details in an article like that, which there is a good chance that their wives, mothers, co-workers, friends, etc.. might see it, could be great.

Well put stern!

Tbh I don't really understand what you're saying. It seems obvious to me, no amount of nitpicking is going to change that. It's probably better to just agree to disagree.

So your view is that all people who cheat are unhappy, even if they don't know they are unhappy, and that unhappiness is the root cause of their cheating?

I am one of those people who decided to try again with a cheating dh. It is not and was not because I felt in any way a contributor to the factors that 'made' him go and sleep with someone else. That was his choice entirely and frankly nothing to do with me. While he was having his affair he was very happy (think school boy romance) and I was very unhappy.

Can i just check? If one partner is unfaithful, we have to blame the victim ( the one who has been cheated and lied to) ?

And we have to feel sorry for the perpetrator because its not his/her fault becuase they must have been unhappy? Which, of course, is the fault of the victim again.

I can split the difference, Kristina - I feel sympathy for my dh because he's had to cope with a pretty sparse love-life, at the same time as supporting a very depressed wife. But, and it is a big but, I would not consider that a reason for him to cheat on me.

Yes, I could feel sorry for someone in a similar position to dh - but I don't believe that being unhappy is a reason to behave badly, or can be used as an excuse or a justification for cheating.

I did see this article, my understanding was that the names & photos were false.

I think they were false - I'm not sure they would be allowed to print without their consent otherwise?

SDT -i have a lot of sympathy and indeed great respect for anyone who supports a partner who is depressed. Its a terrible illness.

I think we're in agreement, Kristina - yes, we can feel sympathy for some of these people, but it doesn't excuse what they're doing.

I made it very clear that the root cause of the cheaters unhappiness may we have NOTHING to do with the partner they've cheated on. Fuck, they mightve been unhappy well before they even met them. Maybe their unhappy because they feel inadequete, or because they aren't very good at their job, or because they had a shit childhood- it could be everything. Don't put words In my mouth to serve what you want to hear.