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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel just a tiny bit of sympathy for some of these blokes?

215 replies

extremepie · 09/12/2011 16:17

I was reading a magazine the other day which had an article where one of the writers had gone on to a 'dating' site and asked for a 'date' to her work Christmas party.

She got lots of responses, most of which from married or attached men - 12 of these were featured in the article alongside the mens' names and pictures (although these could have been false), along with the response they wrote.

Now, some of the guys sounded like complete a*holes, with messages along the lines of 'my wife is really boring in bed' and 'I want some excitement' or 'I don't get it often enough - obviously this is not on.
Some of the other guys, however, I felt just a little bit sorry for.

One was 30, and his wife had had their son over a year before and they had not had sex since. He also said he was not interested in leaving his wife but just wanted someone to pay attention to him.

Another was in his 50's and said he and his wife had not been intimate in years.

Basically I just felt a little bit bad for these men - ok some people don't have matching sex drives and especially after having a baby you might be tired and have less time on your hands but to completely deny your partner any sort of attention or intimacy is a bit unfair?

Shouldn't there be some form of compromise in a committed relationship rather than 'well I don't feel like it and its just tough if you do, it's not happening'?

It's not just the sex it's everything that goes with it!

AIBU to think that these mens' actions, while definately not to be condoned, is at least understandable given the lack of attention and intimacy they get at home?

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 09/12/2011 19:40

When I said that I didn't mean sex necessarily, just not totally ignoring him - that can mean a lot of things!

OP posts:
tardisjumper · 09/12/2011 19:43

YANBU - but YABU if you assume these men were telling the truth.

Understanding intimacy to be a broad range of acts and behaviours is part and parcel of an adult relationship though.

TheFarSide · 09/12/2011 19:43

Fuzzy - life isn't black and white. Not every man who has an affair is a bastard.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 19:43

*affair

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 19:49

Sorry TheFarSide but I will always vere on the side of either entering into an open marriage or you leave.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 19:50

You do not betray.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 19:54

*enter of course. I type too fast for my own good!

TheFarSide · 09/12/2011 19:56

OK fuzzy - I can see you feel strongly about it Smile.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 19:57
Wink

And this is coming from someone who has never been cheated on either [or not that I know if anyhow]

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 20:00

*of.... grrrrr

SoupDragon · 09/12/2011 22:27

Personally I rather think that, on this subject, life is black and white. You don't cheat. Unless you have no respect for your partner.

slavetofilofax · 09/12/2011 22:54

I'm not stupid enough to believe that married men don't lie to try and bed another woman, but is it really that hard to believe that some men do end up feeling rejected by their wives, because of their behaviour? Why do men suddenly become dirty cheating so and so's because they give in to their own needs and find it hard to resist temptation.

I'm really not saying that cheating is ok, but the way some women seem to think, men should be constantly paying attention to their wives, should ensure that they feel loved and cared for and appreciated, and should also put up with having sex almost never even though it's something important to them. On the other hand, these women get to be entitled to complete understanding at all times, and should never be expected to do something they don't want to do for the sake of teh person that they claim to love.

Really, it's no wonder the divorce rate is so high nowadays. Women seem to want it all without having to give anything in return.

FreudianSlipper · 09/12/2011 22:56

no of course i do not feel sorry for them they are cheating and lying to their partners (and probably to the women they are trying to get into bed)

i have no problem with open relatonships but both have to agree to it

apparently many men just pay for sex but what they really want is company Hmm after playing hide the sausage they no longer feel lonely strange that

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/12/2011 23:08

WhoopsieLa - when you say, "... And anyone who could shag someone who did not really want to be doing it is filth...." - that's my husband you are talking about. My marriage, my situation. I choose to do something I don't particularly want to do because I love him. That doesn't make him a rapist or filth, and I'm so sorry it makes AmberLeaf feel sick.

It would be nice if people read my posts and refrained from posting nasty generalisations that cause hurt to an actual person, who is struggling with depression as it is.

WhoopsyLa · 09/12/2011 23:20

EvilWolef did you never think that since you are suffering from depression, you are vulnerable and should be looked after more...not be feeling that you have to hve sex witha man to mke him happy even though you don't want to?? It is NOT right to have sex with someone who does not want to do it. It never will be...it's very wrong.

And I ask....does he love you? Because in my mind, a man who loves a woman would not want to have sex with her when she did not want to do it. It disgusts me that any man would do this.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 23:23

It would be nice if people read my posts and refrained from posting nasty generalisations that cause hurt to an actual person, who is struggling with depression as it is.

SDT - I don't think that WhoopsieLa was actually wanting to cause harm she was just voicing her opinion.

No-one has to have sex if they don't want to was the general idea here.

Are you ok?

slavetofilofax · 09/12/2011 23:26

Just because one half of a couple has depression, it does not mean that the other person's needs completely dissapear.

And surely one of the things a couple need to do to sustain a marriage through depression is support eachother. That works both ways.

SDTG, you sound like a lovely wife, and I completely understand where you are coming from. I would do the same for my husband if I needed to, because that's what you do when you love someone. You know that you need to consider the person you are married to in order for your marriage to be as healthy as it can be, and as long as that works both ways, it can only be a good thing.

WhoopsyLa · 09/12/2011 23:27

I was also shocked that any man would have sex with his partner/wife when he knew she did not want to do it. It's not right.

WhoopsyLa · 09/12/2011 23:28

Does a lackof sex make you invisible then slavetofilofax Hmm first I heard.

I also think that the main concern of a loving partner would be to help their loved one to feel better and more comfortable...not coerce them into sex

WhoopsyLa · 09/12/2011 23:30

I would do the same for my husband if I needed to and as for THAT statement it maes me very sad...why would anyone NEED to have sex when they did not want it?

I know that one of the first things I was taught about sex is that it's for BOTH partners and should only take place if both are happy about it.

IReallyHateMyCat · 09/12/2011 23:31

I don't know the 50 year olds situation it could be that he has had it rough and wants sex but his wife refuses sex therapy and it means this or divorce. Or he could be a man whore.

The 30 year old. With the one year old baby? He wants me to walk all over his face in stilletos all size 22 of me. The arsehole.

slavetofilofax · 09/12/2011 23:32

No one would need to be coerced if both partners always remember to consider eachothers feelings.

No idea what you are on about re invisibility.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 23:34

Whoopsy, whilst I agree with your view. I also see what the others are saying, maybe if you don't mind me saying this people are feeling rather hurt, so let's just leave it for now?

slavetofilofax · 09/12/2011 23:35

You don't need to have sex if you don't want it, obviously.

But while you might feel like you have zero desire to have sex, you might well still want to make your partner feel that you still love and want him. You might not want to do it at first, but then if you try you might end up enjoying it. We are talking about sex between adults in a loving committed relationship, not a teenage boy pressurising a teenage girl.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 23:37

Ooops IRHMCat. Do you think you may be on the wrong thread Grin