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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel just a tiny bit of sympathy for some of these blokes?

215 replies

extremepie · 09/12/2011 16:17

I was reading a magazine the other day which had an article where one of the writers had gone on to a 'dating' site and asked for a 'date' to her work Christmas party.

She got lots of responses, most of which from married or attached men - 12 of these were featured in the article alongside the mens' names and pictures (although these could have been false), along with the response they wrote.

Now, some of the guys sounded like complete a*holes, with messages along the lines of 'my wife is really boring in bed' and 'I want some excitement' or 'I don't get it often enough - obviously this is not on.
Some of the other guys, however, I felt just a little bit sorry for.

One was 30, and his wife had had their son over a year before and they had not had sex since. He also said he was not interested in leaving his wife but just wanted someone to pay attention to him.

Another was in his 50's and said he and his wife had not been intimate in years.

Basically I just felt a little bit bad for these men - ok some people don't have matching sex drives and especially after having a baby you might be tired and have less time on your hands but to completely deny your partner any sort of attention or intimacy is a bit unfair?

Shouldn't there be some form of compromise in a committed relationship rather than 'well I don't feel like it and its just tough if you do, it's not happening'?

It's not just the sex it's everything that goes with it!

AIBU to think that these mens' actions, while definately not to be condoned, is at least understandable given the lack of attention and intimacy they get at home?

OP posts:
Chandon · 09/12/2011 17:34

I think these men should direct their energy to pleasing their wives more (in and outside the bed) instead.

Show me a woman who doesn't like sex, and I'll show you an inadequate (selfish or clueless) lover Wink

AlpinePony · 09/12/2011 17:38

Yanbu. A quick read of these boards easily reveals many women eschew sex/intimacy once the child is born, choosing only to resume relations when wishing for a subsequent child.

No, cheating is not on, but get with the programme girls because no, he isn't 'different', sooner or later he will go looking outside your union.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 17:40

Yep roast em Grin

Mind you, just thought, "roasting" is some sort of sexual act I seem to recall so they'd probably love it Angry

Not wishing to steer away totally from topic but something funny just popped into my head.

My sister joined Pof (dating site) a while back and said she got tonnes of messages but hadn't had time to look at them. I checked out her profile and she'd put that she wanted "An Activity Partner" thinking this meant someone to go out and about with Grin

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/12/2011 17:43

Sorry to screw with your certainties, AlpinePony, but my dh is in this situation - depression has pretty much killed my sex drive (and given that I have been suffering depression since my mid-teens, there has been a big mismatch in our sexdrives all our married life), but he has not been unfaithful to me, even when we haven't had sex for months, and I believe him utterly when he says there is no way he would be unfaithful to me.

Oh - and I will just 'get with the programme', shrug off my depression, deal with my weight problem (also a result of the depression), and by next week everything should be fine, sex-wise, chez SDTG. Xmas Hmm

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 17:59

I'm sure there are women like that Alpine, few and far between, but there are and even then probably more due to what Chandon has said, even so the man should then have the balls to end the relationship before slug trailing away to post on "Dating" boards.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 09/12/2011 18:08

OP - so no-one's allowed to go through a period where, for whatever reason, they just do not feel up to sex, and maybe have loads of other things going on in their life? Can they do not expect a little bit of understanding and leeway from the person who loves them?

Or, as your OP suggests, should they just put their man's needs ahead of their own, even at difficult times and lie back and think of England, just so as to ensure he doesn't go elsewhere?

Really. Hmm

aldiwhore · 09/12/2011 18:13

I think there's always room for a little sympathy in my opinion, even with people who do 'bad things' - or maybe that's empathy? I have a bit of both for those who aren't happy, even if I don't condone their actions.

Good people do bad things sometimes. Good people hurt others at times. Good people are unfair, unthinking, selfish at times.

Don't like the men hating comments either, men and women ARE equal in the 'potential to be a twat' stakes... even some of the nice ones.

lovecat · 09/12/2011 18:14

Am I the only one who's appalled by the idea that the woman asked for a date to accompany her to her works' Christmas party and all these men replying seemed to decide that that meant they were going to get to have sex with her? I mean WTAF??Confused

Sorry, I know it's not the point of the OP, but that horrified me! Thank God I'm off the dating scene if that's what goes on...

WhoopsyLa · 09/12/2011 18:15

Sex should NEVER come with compromise....either both want to do it or it's very distasteful.

TheFarSide · 09/12/2011 18:23

YANBtotallyU. I may be wrong, but I think withholding sex counts as "unreasonable behaviour" and is recognised as a reason for divorce. However, the men may love their wives and may not want a divorce. I wouldn't rush to judge these men without knowing a lot more about their circumstances.

thebigkahuna · 09/12/2011 18:24

"Shouldn't there be some form of compromise in a committed relationship rather than 'well I don't feel like it and its just tough if you do, it's not happening'?"

Yeah, because I can imagine it must be really nice for a man to have sex with someone who doesn't want to but feels she has to.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/12/2011 18:27

Well - dh knows how I feel, and that I am giving him sex even though I am not keen, and he enjoys the sex, and appreciates what I'm doing for him. Tbh, it's a bit disheartening to be told that something I am doing, out of love, for a man who has put up with a depressed wife all his married life, is unpleasant, as you imply.

thebigkahuna · 09/12/2011 18:29

Are you talking to me SDTG?

I wasn't talking to you, if that makes sense.

spiderpig8 · 09/12/2011 18:29

I'd take it all with a pinch of salt
I have discovered my 13 yo DS signs up for free trials to dating sites and chats to these tarts.I don't know what line he feeds them. He has no possibility of meeting any of them though .We live in the sticks.It's just w**k fodder for him I guess

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 09/12/2011 18:30

It's not 'withholding sex'. Hmm As if the man has been a naughty boy and doesn't deserve it. Hmm

In fact Shock it's generally nothing to do with the man at all, but all to do with what the woman is going through at that point in her life.

Or vice versa.

aldiwhore · 09/12/2011 18:31

Witholding sex can be a massive issue for both people involved. Its not about one person being a pervert and the other being frigid. When DH was depressed I found the lack of intimacy soul destroying, its wasn't JUST about having a good ole shag, but I found the lack of that deeply upsetting. I never was tempted to cheat, but then our 'dry period' didn't last for years.

I suspect had DH not got better, had it run for years, I'd have had an affair at some point rather than leave, because I adore him.

Fortunately it never came to that.

I feel a little guilt and shame for the very fact it affected every part of my life. My love for DH was never in doubt. If I think of my feelings, when reading comments anahilating men for being affected by lack of sex I feel its unfair.

I've also had experience of being the one who didn't want sex at all, for 18 months, and at no point should I have put out, nor should my DH feel he had the green light to cheat.

Its not cut and dry.

slavetofilofax · 09/12/2011 18:31

Or, as your OP suggests, should they just put their man's needs ahead of their own, even at difficult times and lie back and think of England, just so as to ensure he doesn't go elsewhere?

I don't see why that's such a shocking suggestion. We all do things we don't particularly want to do for the benefit of the people we love the most at times, I don't see that as any different.

Having a dry spell because of stress or whatever is not the same as knowing you have no interest in sex. I'm sure there are people of both sexes that aren't particularly bothered, I defiantly know a few women that can take it or leave it. Of course men shouldn't be unfaithful if it's temporary, but long term, it's understandable that a man will stray.

Obviously it would be better if he spoke to his wife about it, but then why should the responsibility be all on the man? The woman is (in this situation) the one who has changed and started witholding the sex, she should be the one to bring it up and talk about it.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 09/12/2011 18:34

My point, for what it's worth, was that many husbands are having loving sex with their wives but still prefer the chase and the new game and lie about the real situation to get everyone to feel sorry for them.

Rarely known that with women.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/12/2011 18:34

OK, thebigkahuna - fair enough, I understand. I may have overreacted a bit, as it is a bit of a sensitive topic for me.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 09/12/2011 18:36

Yes, it is massively sensitive. I still hurt from it.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 18:42

Yes, Aldi but you didn't did you, contemplating it and acting on it are two very different things.

PigletJohn · 09/12/2011 18:43

is this a website that only has men using it?.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 18:46

The reason I have never ever had an affair is because I like "myself" far too much to do that, simple.

WhoopsyLa · 09/12/2011 18:48

DO you know what....I really HATE the term "witholding sex" as it seems like the person who doesn't want the sex is being made out as unkind....if someone is interested in sex then NO WAY do they withold it...tey just aren't intrested.

It's a terrible expression.

AND slavetofilofax yes is IS a bad thing to suggest people should have sex when they don't want it....that's usually known as rape. And anyone who could shag someone who did not really want to be doing it is filth.

aldiwhore · 09/12/2011 18:50

fuzzy not with this partner I didn't. Even though the one I did cheat on was a completely knobtwat, it was still a massive wrestle of conscience.

Its never a RIGHT THING (though I do think that sometimes it can be a good thing, sometimes it can be a wake-up call, and sometimes its forgiveable and understandable - unless you're the other person involved).

Its a grey area, the biggest grey area there is. Its never 'right', but its not always as simple as being a complete arsehole.