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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel just a tiny bit of sympathy for some of these blokes?

215 replies

extremepie · 09/12/2011 16:17

I was reading a magazine the other day which had an article where one of the writers had gone on to a 'dating' site and asked for a 'date' to her work Christmas party.

She got lots of responses, most of which from married or attached men - 12 of these were featured in the article alongside the mens' names and pictures (although these could have been false), along with the response they wrote.

Now, some of the guys sounded like complete a*holes, with messages along the lines of 'my wife is really boring in bed' and 'I want some excitement' or 'I don't get it often enough - obviously this is not on.
Some of the other guys, however, I felt just a little bit sorry for.

One was 30, and his wife had had their son over a year before and they had not had sex since. He also said he was not interested in leaving his wife but just wanted someone to pay attention to him.

Another was in his 50's and said he and his wife had not been intimate in years.

Basically I just felt a little bit bad for these men - ok some people don't have matching sex drives and especially after having a baby you might be tired and have less time on your hands but to completely deny your partner any sort of attention or intimacy is a bit unfair?

Shouldn't there be some form of compromise in a committed relationship rather than 'well I don't feel like it and its just tough if you do, it's not happening'?

It's not just the sex it's everything that goes with it!

AIBU to think that these mens' actions, while definately not to be condoned, is at least understandable given the lack of attention and intimacy they get at home?

OP posts:
G1nger · 09/12/2011 18:51

I haven't had sex in 3 months since the birth of my child. My partner can wait. That's all there is to it.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 18:53

For me, and I can obviously only speak for myself it has always been a massive sign that there is something wrong with the relationship. But in saying that I have never married and never been with someone for longer than 5 years.

The thought of lying there and thinking of England just to keep a man makes me want to gag.

AmberLeaf · 09/12/2011 18:53

One was 30, and his wife had had their son over a year before and they had not had sex since. He also said he was not interested in leaving his wife but just wanted someone to pay attention to him

Another was in his 50's and said he and his wife had not been intimate in years

Classic lies.

Dont feel sorry for them one bit.

People that cheat are good at lying.

WhoopsyLa · 09/12/2011 18:54

As he should Ginger as ANY reasonable decent human should. My DH would in NO way be interested in having sex with me if I wasn't 100% into it as he was....he knows when I don't want it and he loses interest as for him it is a MUTUAL act..a show of love, affection and passion which is to be enjoyed MUTUALLY.

Not by one person whilst the other thinks of something else.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 18:57

apart from just having a baby of course!

Original poster
extremepie · 09/12/2011 19:14

I was never suggesting that these mens' wives should just 'get on with it' to keep him happy because otherwise he will cheat!

All I meant was, if the situation was reversed and my partner decided they didn't want sex or couldn't 'perform' for a medical reason (or some other problem), and it went on for months or years without being resolved I would feel quite frustrated.

Not just because I wasn't 'getting any' but because I would feel a bit rejected and miss the closeness we used to have. I would expect us to be able to talk about it and try to resolve the situation so we are both happy - which doesn't necessarily involve one party backing down to please the other! If he refused to talk about it or couldn't understand my point of view it might lead me to question why we were together.

This is where my (tiny bit of ) sympathy comes from.

It is not an excuse for cheating and I'm sure a lot of men who do cheat make up sob stories to justify their actions.

Obviously people do go through periods in their lives where they have rough patches or other priorities and partners should be considerate of that fact, but I also think if you love someone and are in a commited relationship with them you should consider their emotional and physical wellbeing too (and that includes sex!)

OP posts:
TheFarSide · 09/12/2011 19:18

Well put, extremepie.

Original poster
extremepie · 09/12/2011 19:18

Also, if you have had a baby it is understandable if you don't feel ready to resume sexual activity for a while, and that's fine, but that also doesn't give you an excuse to ignore the man that helped you make that baby!

You might be parents but you are still a couple!

(Not saying that anyone here has done that but some women do)

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 09/12/2011 19:19

Thank you :)

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 09/12/2011 19:20

as somebody else said - I told my husband I loved him the night before he walked out on me and our 3 children for the other woman - I had a 7mth old and 2 other small kids - yes sex was sparse - does that excuse him - does it my arse

I have no sympathy at all

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/12/2011 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gordyslovesheep · 09/12/2011 19:21

Extremepie - what is wrong with having a wank? seriously?

G1nger · 09/12/2011 19:22

Also, if you have had a baby it is understandable if you don't feel ready to resume sexual activity for a while, and that's fine, but that also doesn't give you an excuse to ignore the man that helped you make that baby!

I'm confused. 12 weeks later, with a rubbish pelvic floor and a baby sleeping in our room, are you suggesting that I should or shouldn't be putting out? Because it really does sound as though you can't make up your mind...

SardineQueen · 09/12/2011 19:23

extremepie you have no idea how the wives of the men in the OP are actually behaving.

They might be super affectionate, madly in love and putting out 7 nights a week for all you know.

whackamole · 09/12/2011 19:27

I kind of get it, and do feel a bit sympathetic. ONLY of course if there is any truth in the story.

I know that my OH still finds me attractive and sexy and he would love for me to have a higher sex drive. At the moment, I simply don't. At this point in my life, this wouldn't be an excuse (as we have just had a baby) but if it got to the point where the baby was going to university and we hadn't had sex for years, I think I would have to be a bit understanding if he went elsewhere for no-strings sex.

Not sure if that actually computes to real life though, as have not been in that situation.

Original poster
extremepie · 09/12/2011 19:29

When you feel ready is up to you - I have no issues with women wanting (or having) to wait after having a baby.

Some women go to the extreme and end up virtually ignoring their OH, who ends up feeling rejected and 'pushed out' by their baby (I'm not suggesting you do this)

Wanking is a fine outlet for sexual needs but you can't get a hug or a decent conversation from a wank (if you get my meaning!)

OP posts:
SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 09/12/2011 19:29

"Also, if you have had a baby it is understandable if you don't feel ready to resume sexual activity for a while, and that's fine, but that also doesn't give you an excuse to ignore the man that helped you make that baby!"

Make up your mind, OP, you're contradicting yourself all over this thread.

So you do think the woman should 'just get on with it' to keep her man happy.

gordyslovesheep · 09/12/2011 19:30

But not having sex doesn;t MEAN you aren't getting those things does it?

Original poster
extremepie · 09/12/2011 19:31

Sardine, obviously my sympathy would be based on their stories being truthful - I have no idea what their wives are really like I was more using them as an example.

OP posts:
G1nger · 09/12/2011 19:31

With a new baby in tow, I'm likely to 'provide' sex far sooner than any decent conversation ;) Unless, of course, he wants to discuss nappies some more!

TheFarSide · 09/12/2011 19:32

SardineQueen - none of us know how the wives of the men are behaving.

I think the general point is, some people have affairs because they are feeling unloved or rejected, and with good reason. Of course, some may be playing the "my wife doesn't understand me" game.

Original poster
extremepie · 09/12/2011 19:33

-So you do think the woman should 'just get on with it' to keep her man happy-

I never said that, other people have, in fact I said the opposite.

I haven't contradicted myself!

OP posts:
SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 09/12/2011 19:36
Confused

You said, and I quote...

*"Also, if you have had a baby it is understandable if you don't feel ready to resume sexual activity for a while, and that's fine, but that also doesn't give you an excuse to ignore the man that helped you make that baby!"

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 09/12/2011 19:36

Well gordy and I have given examples of women being loving to their husbands and still being walked out on. Not just putting up with no-strings affairs - left with young children.

(Sorry Gordy if I have read that wrong re: you.)

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 19:39

Forgive my rather dramatic analgy here regarding having an afair:

So, someone murders another, ok then, there are certain mitigating circumstances but at the end of the day it's still murder.