to feel just a tiny bit of sympathy for some of these blokes?

[extremepie]

I was reading a magazine the other day which had an article where one of the writers had gone on to a 'dating' site and asked for a 'date' to her work Christmas party.

She got lots of responses, most of which from married or attached men - 12 of these were featured in the article alongside the mens' names and pictures (although these could have been false), along with the response they wrote.

Now, some of the guys sounded like complete a*holes, with messages along the lines of 'my wife is really boring in bed' and 'I want some excitement' or 'I don't get it often enough - obviously this is not on.
Some of the other guys, however, I felt just a little bit sorry for.

One was 30, and his wife had had their son over a year before and they had not had sex since. He also said he was not interested in leaving his wife but just wanted someone to pay attention to him.

Another was in his 50's and said he and his wife had not been intimate in years.

Basically I just felt a little bit bad for these men - ok some people don't have matching sex drives and especially after having a baby you might be tired and have less time on your hands but to completely deny your partner any sort of attention or intimacy is a bit unfair?

Shouldn't there be some form of compromise in a committed relationship rather than 'well I don't feel like it and its just tough if you do, it's not happening'?

It's not just the sex it's everything that goes with it!

AIBU to think that these mens' actions, while definately not to be condoned, is at least understandable given the lack of attention and intimacy they get at home?

Given that the original article was about men, Piglet, that's what people are discussing here. If you wish to ascertain whether or not women are doing the same thing and cheating on their partners (and I am sure that they are) perhaps do your own research into that aspect.

quote:
AND slavetofilofax yes is IS a bad thing to suggest people should have sex when they don't want it....that's usually known as rape. And anyone who could shag someone who did not really want to be doing it is filth.

As somebody who has experienced both these things I completely disagree with this.
Agreeing to have sex when you don't want to (unless you have said you don't want to then given in under pressure) or just not telling the guy you don't want to is NOT rape - how is the guy supposed to know?!
Rape is specifically saying that you don't want to and the guy going ahead anyway.

I am not and never have been remotely interested in sex. I hate it. I find it messy, uncomfortable and embarrassing. I guess I'm probably asexual.
So, if any of the guys I have been in relationships with had waited me for to WANT sex, it would never have happened. And I would never have been in a relationship. So I pretended. It didn't kill me.

Being raped felt completely different.

I don't see what's so wrong with having sec with your partner when you don't want to?? Someone said, "what are you supposed to do if you don't feel like it?" Well for me it's always been the same as not feeling like doing the dishes and going to the supermarket - you compromise, suck it up and do it anway.

Manic there is NO difference....if someone does not want it but does it to "make their partner happy" then there is already pressure...so they are beinng pressured into sex and doing it despite not wanting to!

If you were naive enough to pretend to want sex when you did not then I really feel for you. It must have been horrible.

I am not puttng any victims down but I AM drawing attetion to the pervasive attitude that sex must be given if men are to be kept happy. It's disgusting to me.

If one party is not 100% happy about intercourse but the other goes ahead then how is it not rape?

And manic I can't believe your attitude to sex! Comparing it to doing the dishes! Awfully sad.

why cant the person not wanting sex anymore end the relationship?

How is it not rape? *because the man does not know the woman is unwilling!

Rape is a consciously violent or manipulative act.

I genuinely don't get how the two can be compared.

When wee we talking about men who didn't know the woman was unwilling? We were talking about men who know their partner does not want sex and the woman does it anyway to "keep him happy".

Whoopsy

If the relationship is strong in all other areas and the woman is going through an emotional time that has nothing to do with her partner, to have sex with him (because it's a need for a man) then, she is well within her rights to do so. He has not raped her, she is acknowleding that she may be shut down in other areas and gone for now but she loves him.

Back that up then Stewie?

I can honestly sit here Stewie and agree. Someone needs to the the men that though. Sadly, that will not happen for another 2 centuries or more. In the meantime?

tell!

By telling a woman of our era that she is continually being "raped" is not par for the cause really is it. Her family falls apart. The OP is doing what she believes is keeping a balance.

just had a thought, if every woman that entered the "rape" scenario as you call it in the bedroom the courts would buckle under the strain!

Blimey Stewie, its called a compromise sometimes, I really don't feel that I'm so precious that I have to say he raped me!

It's a biological fact that men are programed to sew their seed. Therefore, hence the need.

Crying rape when it isn't necessary is an offence. There are many circumstances where it is applicable, but this is not the one.

not one iota of sympathy for married men who look elsewhere, mine cheated on me on dating sites we split up two months ago and i,ve heard this weekend that he is still seeing two women at the same time and still going on the dating site every night so these are his next victims and its them i feel sorry for cos they think hes been exclusive to both of them, twats and cheaters never change their behaviour

Ok, stewie back that one up then (stewie runs off to find some crap on google). I find it sad that women cry rape when that is not actually the case. Over abuse of power no matter what way it transpires

It smacks of so much anger towards the male species.

Thank God Stewie turned up! I'm not angry towards any species fuzzy ...not at all...I love my DH and am happy and elieved that he would NEVER manage to have sex with me if he knew I didn't want to do it...he'd rather wank into a sock....he simply wouldnt be turned on by an unwilling and uninvlved partner. Because for him, sex is a loving act.

Basically a man who will have sex with a woman who doesn't want to do it and he KNOWS she doesn't is at best extremely selfish and at worst a rapist.

Just because she's not yelling "no" out loud does not mean it's not rape...it is coercive sex...sex when one party doesn't want to do it is rape however you dress it up as "compromise".

Sometimes in life you have to agree to disagree and this is probably one of those times.

It really depends on what you feel is a compromise and what is not. In your case its a definite no. For other women it may be different.

I really cannot condone the "rape" theory to this though. As having been raped I made my own peace with it and forgave the perpertrator.

I will still however say that the OP did what she did because she loved him and he loves her, worse things happen in life huh!

It wasnt the op, it was someone else down the thread that got upset by other posts.

There are words in this life that evoke terrible feelings, rape is one and so is racism. There are cases where these need to be used but when they aren't, due to things being grey, it makes me very sad as it actually incites unecessary judgement.