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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel just a tiny bit of sympathy for some of these blokes?

215 replies

extremepie · 09/12/2011 16:17

I was reading a magazine the other day which had an article where one of the writers had gone on to a 'dating' site and asked for a 'date' to her work Christmas party.

She got lots of responses, most of which from married or attached men - 12 of these were featured in the article alongside the mens' names and pictures (although these could have been false), along with the response they wrote.

Now, some of the guys sounded like complete a*holes, with messages along the lines of 'my wife is really boring in bed' and 'I want some excitement' or 'I don't get it often enough - obviously this is not on.
Some of the other guys, however, I felt just a little bit sorry for.

One was 30, and his wife had had their son over a year before and they had not had sex since. He also said he was not interested in leaving his wife but just wanted someone to pay attention to him.

Another was in his 50's and said he and his wife had not been intimate in years.

Basically I just felt a little bit bad for these men - ok some people don't have matching sex drives and especially after having a baby you might be tired and have less time on your hands but to completely deny your partner any sort of attention or intimacy is a bit unfair?

Shouldn't there be some form of compromise in a committed relationship rather than 'well I don't feel like it and its just tough if you do, it's not happening'?

It's not just the sex it's everything that goes with it!

AIBU to think that these mens' actions, while definately not to be condoned, is at least understandable given the lack of attention and intimacy they get at home?

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 23:38

If so tell me which one, it seems very exciting!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/12/2011 23:47

We are both considering eachother's feelings, WhoopsieLa. I've been depressed since I was 14, though it is only in the last 4 years that I have realised that, and it has made a lot of things far clearer for me. But throughout our marriage, our sex life has been declining, and my depression is only now starting to lift (because I have been in therapy for over 2 years), but it hasn't made a great difference to my libido yet.

Dh has not been a saint during our marriage - being married to me has been bloody hard work because of the impact the depression has had on me, and by extension on him, through the way I rely on him and need his help and support so much, and he has stuck by me. As I said earlier up the thread, I am 100% sure he wouldn't cheat on me and has never cheated on me, but if he'd decided he couldn't take being married to me any more - well, let's say I wouldn't have blamed him. But he has stayed married to me and in love with me. And he still has needs - he enjoys sex with me and needs that physical affection. So I give it to him, as a token of love and appreciation, and because he deserves to be cared for and supported too.

Slavetofilofax - thankyou for your kind words - they brought a bit of a lump to my throat. And fuzzynavel - I don't think WhoopsieLa was being hurtful on purpose - I just wanted some people to think a bit before they posted things that would hurt someone - well, me. [selfish] And yes, I am OK - by my own standards, and thankyou for asking. Smile

PelvicFloorOfHighTensileTinsel · 09/12/2011 23:48

'One was 30, and his wife had had their son over a year before and they had not had sex since. He also said he was not interested in leaving his wife but just wanted someone to pay attention to him.'

Or it could read - One was 30, and his wife had had their son over a year before, since then she has been woken several times a night by the baby while he sleeps, she has changed every nappy, she is worn out with the constant demands of a needy baby and he is doing her head on by constantly complaining that he doesn't get enough attention.

Or he could be lying altogether and they could have a perfectly good sex life.

There is no excuse for cheating and even less of one where a very young child is involved, these men should sort out or end their current relationships rather than looking elsewhere.

WhoopsyLa · 09/12/2011 23:53

fuzzy why don't YOU leave it? Don't tell me to leave it thanks. I can go on whichever threads I like without being made to feel uncomfortable.

Wolef I understand depression and no mater how much you love him and he you, it's just not right. There are other ways to show love and affection and sex is not a right. It's very nice when it's mutual...and a part of a good loving relationship but it's not everything and to me, it seems wrong that someone who is depressed (or anyone in fact) is having sex when they dont want to.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/12/2011 23:58

WhoopsyLa - you are making me feel sad for doing this for him. As if doing something out of love is somehow wrong. And you may understand depression, but you are not in my head or my marriage, so there are factors you don't know or understand. I might never get my libido back - is dh to do without sex forever?

Please understand that this thread is upsetting me. I don't expect you to change your views, but a little tact would be nice.

WhoopsyLa · 10/12/2011 00:06

Look I have been tactful...you just don't like what I'm saying. Ad I'm not making you feel anything...sorry if that's harsh but I'm not responsible for your feelings.

As the Mother of daughters and also as a survivor of rape I feel very strongly about this subject. I do not want my daughters growing up in a world where they think sex is some kind of right for men, so I will always, always speak against this kind of attitude and I am not apologising for it.

It is never a right. Nor is the sharing if it some measure of love.

fuzzynavel · 10/12/2011 00:09

Well whoopsy Im also a rape victim too. YOU ARE UPSETTING FRAGILE PEOPLE.

WhoopsyLa · 10/12/2011 00:12

Well fuzzy If you want to leave the thread then feel free...as I said, you won't bully me off it.

fuzzynavel · 10/12/2011 00:14

????? bullying?

WhoopsyLa · 10/12/2011 00:17

Yes...bullying. You've tried to pressure me off the thread and out of the conversation.

WhoopsyLa · 10/12/2011 00:18

And I forgot to mention shouting in capitals at me.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/12/2011 00:19

FWIW, whoopsy, it is an abdication of responsibility to say that you can't 'make' me feel anything, you are not responsible for my feelings. In fact, it is bullshit. If you step on my toe, you are responsible for the hurt caused - and in the same way, if you prod at parts of my emotions that are tender, you are responsible for the hurt caused.

What you said smacks of 'words can't hurt you, they are only words on a screen, you decide if you want to be hurt' - and as the victim of bullying, I know damn well that words can hurt, however much I would like them not to, and it is my mum's attitude that 'calling names couldn't hurt me' that drove me inside myself and made me not trust any adult enough to tell them about the bullying, because if my own mum didn't care enough to tackle the school about the bullying, then why would the teachers or anyone else give a crap.

fuzzynavel · 10/12/2011 00:22

For that I apologise profusely Whoopsy, to me capital does not mean the same as it does to you. I have no way tried to "pressure" you off the thread. I just said that a particular poster is very upset at the moment. I didn't disagree with your postings, I just felt that banging on about things was not helping.

WhoopsyLa · 10/12/2011 00:25

Wolef I have neither trodden on your toe, nor called you names. I only gave my feelings and thoughts on a subject and have stood up for them despite being told I was mean and uncaring. I have not prodded at your emotions any more than anyone else does on here....I have given my (strong) opinions on women having sex when they don't want to....and I will not say that that is wrong to do...it's not...

fuzzynavel · 10/12/2011 00:37

Sometimes whoopsy strong opinions can be saved for another day.

G1nger · 10/12/2011 08:11

I am sympathetic to my partner's needs. This stretches as far as a couple of handjobs at present! ;)

G1nger · 10/12/2011 08:13

I wouldn't agree to anything beyond that, and he wouldn't want me to if I don't want to.

SoupDragon · 10/12/2011 08:14

If you believe you are unable to make someone feel something then you can't claim to have been bullied. If you feel bullied here, that's your problem and no one else's.

KristinaM · 10/12/2011 08:22

I hate these " blame the victim" threadsSad

Whatmeworry · 10/12/2011 09:39

The men are BU going on dating sites, their wives are BU not having sex with them. In an ideal world they would leave the relationship first, but there are often all sorts of reasons why people wouldn't. Those who compromise are NBU, those who don't are BU.

There, it's not that hard is it?

WhoopsyLa · 10/12/2011 10:13

Kristina who is "blaming the victim" ? Hmm Not me that's for sure.

And fuzzy you're coming over as incredibly self righteous....nobody has more right than anyone else to post their opinions.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/12/2011 11:07

WhoopsyLa - name-calling and stepping on toes were examples, not the only way that you can hurt someone. And you have implied that my husband is a rapist, filth and obviously doesn't love me - and that's not supposed to be hurtful?

And by saying that words can't hurt, unless a person decides to be hurt, you are blaming the victim. I was bullied, verbally, and excluded, for the whole of my senior school career. If you are right, then it was my choice to be upset by this - the bullies have no culpability at all - and by extension, it was my choice to be suicidal at 14 years old, and to be depressed ever since. If that is what you really think, then words fail me.

PigletJohn · 10/12/2011 11:19

Whatmeworry The men are BU going on dating sites

Did we establish that there are only men going on these sites, and no women? Hmm

Original poster
extremepie · 10/12/2011 11:27

SDTG you seemed to have grasped my point exactly so thank you for being a very good example of what I was talking about!

Sometimes when you are in a loving, committed relationship you do things you don't really fancy doing for your partner because you love and respect them, and because you value their wellbeing just as much as your own (I think the phrase 'other half' has a lot of meaning in this situation!)

This is not always sex, it could be going to dinner at the in-laws when you really don't want to, doing a night feed for the baby when youare both really tired, anything at all!

This, of course, should go both ways too.

Personally, I feel there is a massive difference between a woman having sex with her husband when isn't really in the mood but gives her consent anyway because she loves her husband and wants him to be happy, and a woman who says no she doesn't want sex and her husband does it anyway.

The latter is rape, the former is not.

Btw SDTG, I have also suffered depression (post-natal and regular) and was also not a very easy person to live with during that time. Mine and DH's sex life stayed the same - not because I felt like doing it every time, but because I loved him and chose to share my body with him to express that. I'm not sure our marriage would have survived that period if I had chosen to not have sex with him at all during that time! You should do what feels right for you and your DH :)

This is not to say that women who choose not to are wrong, just saying that what I did!

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 10/12/2011 11:29

Piglet, there may well have been women on these sites, I have no idea!

The men were the ones being used as examples of 'cheating is wrong, look at these horrible cheaters' (as they always are)

OP posts: