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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel just a tiny bit of sympathy for some of these blokes?

215 replies

extremepie · 09/12/2011 16:17

I was reading a magazine the other day which had an article where one of the writers had gone on to a 'dating' site and asked for a 'date' to her work Christmas party.

She got lots of responses, most of which from married or attached men - 12 of these were featured in the article alongside the mens' names and pictures (although these could have been false), along with the response they wrote.

Now, some of the guys sounded like complete a*holes, with messages along the lines of 'my wife is really boring in bed' and 'I want some excitement' or 'I don't get it often enough - obviously this is not on.
Some of the other guys, however, I felt just a little bit sorry for.

One was 30, and his wife had had their son over a year before and they had not had sex since. He also said he was not interested in leaving his wife but just wanted someone to pay attention to him.

Another was in his 50's and said he and his wife had not been intimate in years.

Basically I just felt a little bit bad for these men - ok some people don't have matching sex drives and especially after having a baby you might be tired and have less time on your hands but to completely deny your partner any sort of attention or intimacy is a bit unfair?

Shouldn't there be some form of compromise in a committed relationship rather than 'well I don't feel like it and its just tough if you do, it's not happening'?

It's not just the sex it's everything that goes with it!

AIBU to think that these mens' actions, while definately not to be condoned, is at least understandable given the lack of attention and intimacy they get at home?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/12/2011 23:01

And for what it's worth, I don't play manipulative games - which is what I assume you are accusing me of when you said I used emotive language to garner pity. I said you despise me because that is my honest reading of your responses to me on this thread.

Serenitysutton · 11/12/2011 23:03

Tbh whilst feel sorry for them is prob going a bit far I am horriFied that this woman felt she had the right to "expose" and publically humiliate them. Their familes, co workers, friends, everyone would've seen it and that's utterly unfair just for some cheap scandel fodder.

fuzzynavel · 11/12/2011 23:04

SDTG and Whoopsy

Two opposites of a coin here.

Maybe agree to disagree, which makes so much so better?

Then understanding happens..

You probably actually like each other, i certainly like you both

fuzzynavel · 11/12/2011 23:06

life on second paragraph

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/12/2011 23:09

Agreeing to disagree is the best idea, fuzzy - and I like you too. Xmas Smile

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/12/2011 23:10

And in that spirit, I hope Whoopsy will ignore my last post to her - it is a tad irate, and all I should have said was that I wasn't trying to garner pity.

WhoopsyLa · 11/12/2011 23:11

I don't hate you or think low of you...I just think there is an element of "poor me" about a couple of things you have said...but then you have been depressed for a long time so maybe that's ok too...

I don't despise you...I have been trying to understand you. But I can't. I feel, rightly or wrongly that you should not be doing ANYTHING you don't like when you already have a struggle on your hands......but again..it's your choice.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/12/2011 23:23

I do try not to be 'poor me' - but I fail sometimes. Sometimes it's hard to have perspective about stuff, and maybe I lost perspective a bit on this thread.

Would it help the understanding if I said that I don't enjoy sex, but I do enjoy giving pleasure to my dh? And he does give pleasure to me too, in other ways, so it is reciprocal.

WhoopsyLa · 11/12/2011 23:52

I hope you get to a place where you can enjoy it soon.

entropyglitter · 12/12/2011 01:15

Just wanted to say that the debate on this thread was one of the most interesting I have ever seen on MN and I am very glad you all seem to have made up in the end!

It has certainly made me re-evaluate my feelings about marital sex.

sternface · 12/12/2011 02:20

Whoever described the Original Post and some responses as victim-blaming had it spot-on. OP you might as well have said that some women whose partners have affairs were 'asking for it'.

Anyone who isn't having their needs met in their relationship has the right to attempt change, or give up and leave it. What they don't have the right to do is to lie, deceive and pretend to their partners that they are in a monogamous relationship. Having sympathy for people who do this, is effectively blaming their partners for someone else's hidden choices.

MarchelineWhatNot · 12/12/2011 02:34

YANBU. As another poster said, many women on here admit to not having sex with their DH's after the birth of their DC, resuming only when they want another DC.

If my DH rejected me like that, and for that long, I would seriously be thinking of looking elsewhere...

TotemPole · 12/12/2011 03:30

Did these men give permission for their photos to be published in a magazine?

demetersdaughter · 12/12/2011 03:37

We are allowed to look elsewhere because we have that right.
Looking elsewhere though has consequences.
The loveless marriage has always been a wifes complaint.
Now it looks like the husbands are at it too.
But it's not 'arf as romantic the other way around is it?

ThisIsANickname · 12/12/2011 04:32

Holy hell. However do you reach the keyboards when your pedestals are all so high?

FWIW, infidelity is never the problem in a relationship; it is simply a sign that something else is wrong. People (men or women) don't cheat when they are in a happy, fulfilling relatioship.

lesley33 · 12/12/2011 04:53

I really don't see the problem with sexual behaviour to please a partner - although obviously depends on the circumstances. Both I and DP have done things for each other when we personally haven't been that bothered e.g. too stressed with work for libido to be operating.

Just as I may listen to my DP or hug when I would be quite happy to sit on other sofa and watch tv. But I love my DP and we do things for each other at times.

MarchelineWhatNot · 12/12/2011 05:42

I agree with you lesley33. I sometimes don't feel like it because I am having a fat day or just can't be bothered. So I'll just give him a hand job. Doesn't take much, does it? Similarly, if I was up for it and he wasn't, he would do the same.

nooka · 12/12/2011 06:23

I don't know what's wrong with the idea of giving sexual pleasure as a gift. It's enjoyable to give pleasure even if you aren't yourself particularly in the mood for intercourse. If I am not in the mood but I think that dh needs intimacy then I can choose to initiate sex and of course it's not rape if I am actively saying 'yes'. Likewise there are times when dh is concerned that I am a bit stressed and may choose to initiative sex when he is not in the mood.

We've both had dry periods and they can be very difficult for the other partner because being rejected can be very upsetting.

Regardless there is never an excuse for cheating. Yes there may be some issues in the relationship but the lies and deceit that accompany affairs are always going to make that worse, and the final fall out is generally extremely painful all round. Besides which sometimes people cheat when there is nothing obviously wrong with the relationship (to the deceived partner or to the outside world). It can be for the simple reason that the person wants a bit of extra excitement, or want a 'girl in every town'.

Serenitysutton · 12/12/2011 08:50

My DH tends to want sex for slightly different reasons to me- as well as just common or garden horniness he like to have sex when he's unwell, or hungover, or tired: I think it's a often a comfort thing- at times when I might just crave a cuddle. I'd rather do something to make him feel better when he's Down. The point of having a partner is you should do nice things for them because you love them; and they for you. There doesn't have to be another reason.

sternface · 12/12/2011 09:07

People (men or women) don't cheat when they are in a happy, fulfilling relatioship.

That, my dear, is complete bollocks.

Serenitysutton · 12/12/2011 09:14

Actually it's not; the person who cheats isn't happy. That may well not be connected to their spouse: they may just be unhappy unfufilled unkind people- but they're not happy and content.

sternface · 12/12/2011 09:32

No. Some people cheat just because they can, or because they are addicted to new beginnings and especially, sex with a different partner. It's often got fuck all to do with their general happiness or whether they are 'fulfilled'. Women like to believe this crap because they think as long as they are meeting every sexual need in a partner (even when they don't want to) it will never happen to them. This also allows them to blame other women ("well what did she expect") as posters here have done.

Until it happens to them.

Serenitysutton · 12/12/2011 09:43

That's a different thing though- it's a mistake to think you can do anything that will control someone else behaviour. However a happy, fufilled person would not deliberately hurt someone they love. That person has serious problems, which boil down to being unhappy.

Take the least blame affAir I've known; a male friend who left his wife for another man. He loved his wife dearly, but he was unhappy because he was gay. Was he a wanker to dip his feet into homosexuality whilst still keeping his wife? Of course. Did he do a bit of parelell running becuase he could? Absoluetly. But behind all that he was still deeply unhappy.

sternface · 12/12/2011 09:48

The men using these sites are doing so because they think it's discreet and they will never get caught. They think that what the eye doesn't see, the heart cannot grieve for. They don't think they are deliberately hurting the people they love.

Serenitysutton · 12/12/2011 09:53

It doesn't matter what they think plenty of unhappy people don't realise they're unhappy.