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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to treat DW's sexting as infidelity?

343 replies

JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 11:35

First post here so deep breath...

DW and I have been married for over 10 years and have 2 DCs aged 3 and 8. Good marriage IMO except physical side has never been that great for either of us. Anyway, all well until after birth of DC #2:

A few months after DC # 2 was born, her mobile text alert bleeps. She happens to be out of the room, her phone is next to me so I glance at it and see on it quite a flirtatious text from someone whom we'll call 'John'. Curiousity piqued, I grab the phone and see two or three texts back and forth between DW and John which are also flirty. I feel sick and I confront her over this and it turns out that John is an old flame from before my time. I make it clear how hurt and upset I am and she promises she'll not do it again. I feel bad about snooping and make up my mind to trust her. She swears blind that there's nothing in it; as far as she's concerned it's just a bit of harmless fun.

Ok, so I forgive, forget and move on. Until about three months ago - exactly the same thing happens. More traffic between her and John on her phone, this time of a more sexual nature on both their parts, although the impression is that he's largely the one driving it forward. This time I really blow up at her, tell her how angry I am, how betrayed I feel and that I feel I can't trust her. Again, she swears that it is purely a bit of fun, that it;s just an 'outlet', she has her ego massaged by it and she would never dream of cheating on me with this mush. I 'punish' her by sleeping apart from her for several days but gradually forgive her...

But this time I don't forget; I feel I can no longer trust. I don't feel bad about snooping on her phone any more and, guess what, more texts last week between her and John, more explicit, again mainly driven by him although she is hardly fending him off. This time I haven't confronted her, as the last two occasions clearly achieved Sweet FA but really don't know what to do about it. I haven't been able to get to her phone this week but am sure this is continuing, as I'm sure that what I've seen are just the texts she hasn't deleted.

Right now, I feel absolutely devastated, betrayed, very hurt, very angry but also very scared. I want our marriage to work and am willing to consider Relate or something similar (but that would involve me 'fessing up to her that I know about the latest bunch of texts), and I don't want to lose her or our DCs, but I find the whole situation really intolerable. I still love her very much but find it really difficult to be around her right now (she's noticed I'm withdrawn ATM). I'm also really worried that this latest rack of texts I've seen seems to be an escalation and that she will end up having an affair with John. Feel sick constantly and can't sleep ATM.

I feel really conflicted right now. Part of me want to throw her out but I still love her and don't want to do that to our DCs. Part of me wonders whether this is just an escapist fantasy for her and not unfaithfulness from her POV(maybe the female version of blokes looking at porn?) and I should just put up with it (not sure I can though) and play happy families and pretend nothing's happening. Part of me wants to track John down and send him a photo of the DCs asking him what his intentions are to my DW and how I should tell the DCs that, or even go postal on him and beat the bastard up!

So wtf should I do???!!!

OP posts:
gypsycat · 08/12/2011 11:45

If it was my DH I'd rip him a new one and send him out on his arse until he came crawling back asking for forgiveness. And then I'd make us go to couples therapy.

In my mind, it is definitely cheating.

Flisspaps · 08/12/2011 11:47

For me, if my DH was 'sexting' someone else, that would be akin to cheating. A bit of friendly flirting and banter is one thing, explicit conversations is way off.

Of course, you know that tracking down this 'John' is not the right way to go about it, and your issue should lie wholly with your wife as she is the one who has a commitment to you and your marriage - not him.

If it were my DH then my anger would lie with him, not the woman involved as she has no obligation to be loyal to me either.

The fact that she's continued to do this despite you having voiced your (very valid) opinion about this already tells me that she doesn't care what you think, she doesn't care about your feelings and that she sees absolutely nothing wrong with what she's doing and so will carry on regardless of what you say.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 11:52

So I'm fucked, then? Angry Sad

OP posts:
dottygirl1 · 08/12/2011 11:53

I feel for you. I would be gutted if my DH did this. I think you need to have a proper talk with her. I would also doubt that many would just "put up with it".

I agree with Flisspaps, talking to (or beating up) John is pointless. This is all down to your wife.

Liluri · 08/12/2011 11:53

You need to demand that your DW confront this issue.

Even if it is just a bit of fun for her, it has lead to a situation where you feel rejected, hurt and betrayed, and left you in the position where you are snooping on her - which is unhealthy for all involved.

Her refusal to take your unhappiness seriously speaks volumes - possibly more than the actual texting.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 11:53

If my husband was behaving like this, I would pack his bags and get the F out of the house. This is akin to cheating, this is having an emotional affair. As long as she gets her kicks and emotional highs elsewhere, she will never invest properly in you. It would seem that emotionally, she has left the marriage.

So this begs the question, what state is your marriage in, that she feels justified looking elsewhere, and investing her emotions in another man?

Is he married? Should his wife know about his emotional affair with your wife?

PopcornMouse · 08/12/2011 11:55

What Flisspaps said :(

fuzzynavel · 08/12/2011 11:56

I 'punish' her by sleeping apart from her for several days but gradually forgive her...

Hmmm, what else is going on here Jack?

You clearly need a bit of therapy.

Whatmeworry · 08/12/2011 11:57

The fact that she's continued to do this despite you having voiced your (very valid) opinion about this already tells me that she doesn't care what you think, she doesn't care about your feelings and that she sees absolutely nothing wrong with what she's doing and so will carry on regardless of what you say.

That.

I therefore don't think Relate etc will work.

You might start preparing behind the scenes so that you don't get shafted with payments, child access etc when the (IMO probably) inevitable occurs.

And you don't need therapy, you need a solicitor.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 11:58

I don't think he is married or in a relationship. If he is, I don't want to bust up two relationships by shopping him.

She says our marriage is pretty good from her POV. I think it lacks a bit of excitement - sexual and other - and a bit of romance - all the things that need that bit more effort when you have DCs and been married for over a decade. We work at that together from time to time but things are 'never as good as they were back in the day'. I sort of view that as fairly inevitable in any relationship and accept that as a given, although that doesn't and won't stop me trying to improve things if they can be.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 11:58

I agree with whotmeworry. Get legal advice and be prepared.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 12:00

I just can't face up to the fact that it might be all over. I feel very betrayed.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/12/2011 12:00

If my DH did this and told me it was harmless fun would be livid. I don't think your DW behaviour is acceptable at all. It is her behaviour that is the problem, John is an irrelevance.

I think you both need to work on your marriage and a key part of that is she stops texted John.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 12:00

But she is not trying to improve things, is she?
She is looking elsewhere.
And she does not care that she upsets you.
She does not care that she is putting the marriage in danger.

Seeing a solicitor is not a bad thing. Be prepared.
Before you know it she might take the kids and move in with this guy, and ask for half the house in divorce proceedings. Dont let yourself be taken by surprise!

Whatmeworry · 08/12/2011 12:00

Sorry - meant to add that if it all turns out fine, thats brilliant, but at least you have covered the bases if it doesn't.

fuzzynavel · 08/12/2011 12:02

Coucillors also help to end marriages Whatmeworry.

Your wife has clearly emotionally detached.

TroublesomeEx · 08/12/2011 12:03

I'd be livid if my DH did this and I know he would feel the same.

As someone else said, a bit of flirting and banter is one thing, but once it becomes sexually explicit, it's gone too far.

Would be cheating in my book.

sorry.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 12:04

If your wife has been texting sexually with a man for such a long time, then she has left you emotionally already.

There might be nothing to salvage.

Can you ask her to leave, and not come back until she has decided she wants to invest in the marriage?

Dont let her take the kids.

Maybe it is the wake up call that she needs.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 12:04

So where's the line?

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 12:05

What do you mean?

SinicalSal · 08/12/2011 12:05

/well this is the third time, and she has broken two promises. You have every right to be angry, so stop being withdrawn and get the big horrible conversation out of the way.

fuzzy I agree that sentence didn't sound right but I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt and see it as the consequence of feeling hurt and not behaving very maturely, rather than s evidence of something more sinister and controlling.

OP you say your physical relationship was never great, yet clearly she still has sexual feelings. Do you, and if so is porn a big thing for you? what steps have you (pl) taken to improve your physical relationship?

Moominsarescary · 08/12/2011 12:07

fuzzy Why does he need therapy? If it was me I'd have done more than sleep seperatly from her for a few days, hardly an ott punishment

porcamiseria · 08/12/2011 12:08

please assert yourself here. I am not saying "kick her out" as god knows its never easy

But it needs to be 100% clear that this behaviour in unacceptable

I suspect you are scared as you have a feare that maybe she does not love you anymore. My bet she is bored. but loves you

But you are letting her get away with this, I think you need to stick up for yourself

QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 12:09

Maybe Fuzzy means his behaviour is not really ver "manly"?

fuzzynavel · 08/12/2011 12:09

Moomins

The OP is very hurt and confused. Coucillors also help partners to separate.

Not sure I like the word "punishment" full stop in an adult relationship.