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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to treat DW's sexting as infidelity?

343 replies

JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 11:35

First post here so deep breath...

DW and I have been married for over 10 years and have 2 DCs aged 3 and 8. Good marriage IMO except physical side has never been that great for either of us. Anyway, all well until after birth of DC #2:

A few months after DC # 2 was born, her mobile text alert bleeps. She happens to be out of the room, her phone is next to me so I glance at it and see on it quite a flirtatious text from someone whom we'll call 'John'. Curiousity piqued, I grab the phone and see two or three texts back and forth between DW and John which are also flirty. I feel sick and I confront her over this and it turns out that John is an old flame from before my time. I make it clear how hurt and upset I am and she promises she'll not do it again. I feel bad about snooping and make up my mind to trust her. She swears blind that there's nothing in it; as far as she's concerned it's just a bit of harmless fun.

Ok, so I forgive, forget and move on. Until about three months ago - exactly the same thing happens. More traffic between her and John on her phone, this time of a more sexual nature on both their parts, although the impression is that he's largely the one driving it forward. This time I really blow up at her, tell her how angry I am, how betrayed I feel and that I feel I can't trust her. Again, she swears that it is purely a bit of fun, that it;s just an 'outlet', she has her ego massaged by it and she would never dream of cheating on me with this mush. I 'punish' her by sleeping apart from her for several days but gradually forgive her...

But this time I don't forget; I feel I can no longer trust. I don't feel bad about snooping on her phone any more and, guess what, more texts last week between her and John, more explicit, again mainly driven by him although she is hardly fending him off. This time I haven't confronted her, as the last two occasions clearly achieved Sweet FA but really don't know what to do about it. I haven't been able to get to her phone this week but am sure this is continuing, as I'm sure that what I've seen are just the texts she hasn't deleted.

Right now, I feel absolutely devastated, betrayed, very hurt, very angry but also very scared. I want our marriage to work and am willing to consider Relate or something similar (but that would involve me 'fessing up to her that I know about the latest bunch of texts), and I don't want to lose her or our DCs, but I find the whole situation really intolerable. I still love her very much but find it really difficult to be around her right now (she's noticed I'm withdrawn ATM). I'm also really worried that this latest rack of texts I've seen seems to be an escalation and that she will end up having an affair with John. Feel sick constantly and can't sleep ATM.

I feel really conflicted right now. Part of me want to throw her out but I still love her and don't want to do that to our DCs. Part of me wonders whether this is just an escapist fantasy for her and not unfaithfulness from her POV(maybe the female version of blokes looking at porn?) and I should just put up with it (not sure I can though) and play happy families and pretend nothing's happening. Part of me wants to track John down and send him a photo of the DCs asking him what his intentions are to my DW and how I should tell the DCs that, or even go postal on him and beat the bastard up!

So wtf should I do???!!!

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 08/12/2011 12:29

I quite like that text someone suggested, to the OM. I really lioke it. No its not adult or mature but fuck me it will set the cat amongst the pidgeons

fuzzynavel · 08/12/2011 12:29

"life"

Moominsarescary · 08/12/2011 12:31

I don't know about manly, I don't think my dp would want to sleep next to me if I was sex texting someone else

fuzzynavel · 08/12/2011 12:31

Good marriage IMO except physical side has never been that great for either of us

This is the issue is it not?

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 08/12/2011 12:32

I'm curious why you decided to sign up to mumsnet in a crisis- what is it you are hoping for? You get different views but im not sure how helpful it is in this kind of situation.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 12:32

Quite prepared to do counselling for that.

OP posts:
MollyTheMole · 08/12/2011 12:32

Jack - whiskey and pills wont sort anything out except leave your kids without a Dad.

If youve got the bottle to say a statement like that then you have got the MANLY bottle to have it out with your wife.

There are two possible outcomes from having it out, but only one definite outcome by leaving it alone.

GooKingWenceslas · 08/12/2011 12:33

YANBU.

But I think to say that your DW is doing this because she wants to leave you is assuming an awful lot. People get drawn into the excitement of an emotional affair, and don't think it is 'real', don't understand that they are betraying their partner.

I think that your DW is getting her kicks by the sexting since you admit the physical side of the relationship is not up to much. You (as in both of you) can fix this.

You need to admit that you saw the new messages, and tell her how betrayed you feel. Until you see her response, then you are not going to know if she is 'having a bit of fun' or if she is so unhappy that she is sabotaging the relationship with you intentionally.

I would have thought that she would have stopped after the first time though. Did you give her an ultimatum? Did you explain that you see this as an affair ask her if she wants to end the marriage?

I could not tolerate this, but maybe she thinks that you will, and that she can carry on without rocking the boat? I think you must lay your cards on the table.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/12/2011 12:33

Jack the difference is that people looking at porn as an outlet are emotionally detached from the subject matter. I don't think your DW is emotionally detached from the texting.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 12:33

Damn DPs - I meant counselling for sex life

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 08/12/2011 12:33

wny the fuck should he not? just cos he's a man?????? maybe he wants immediate feedback and advice

gos its not very man friendly here

UnexpectedOrange · 08/12/2011 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 12:36

I'm posting here for advice partly and partly cos I think it's mainly women here and I want to try to understand what might be going on in her mind and female perspectives are very useful in doing that.

OP posts:
MollyTheMole · 08/12/2011 12:36

"Is this at all like men looking at porn as a 'outlet'?"

An outlet for what? IME porn for blokes is a quick sexual fix. For your DW the texts are probably a quick attention and ego fix. If its about sex why doesnt she just look at porn? For her I think it goes a bit deeper than that tbh

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 08/12/2011 12:36

You're joking aren't you? They get the red carpet treatment. I was just curious as to why- it's not illegal to ask, is it?

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 08/12/2011 12:37

Look Jack- women aren't all the same. You need to be talking to her, not us. And the counselling is a g

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 08/12/2011 12:38

good idea.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 12:38

@ CBA - but isn't it another form of escapist outlet, just the "bored housewife" (sorry for that term which I hate) as opposed to the "stressed executive" (since I'm using crude stereotypes) version?

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 08/12/2011 12:40

To punish her by banning her from the bed that doesn't seem to get much action in seems to be a bit weird.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 08/12/2011 12:40

If your sex life is shit it's no wonder she's seeking that attention elsewhere. Do you work at making her feel sexy and attractive despite your lack of sex? That's the ego boost she's after, to know she is desired and found attractive, not necessarily the actual physical sex side, though I suspect she'd like a bit more of that from you!

BTW having said that, I would view the 'sexting' as cheating. It's definitely NOT the same as blokes and porn at all.

mumofthreekids · 08/12/2011 12:42

OP, to answer your question I think this is a (big) step worse than a man (or woman) looking at porn, because it involves a person she knows so is emotional as well as physical. But it's not as bad as an actual affair.

If my DH did this I would be furious and very sad. But it would not necessarily mean the end of the marriage.

You've tried getting very angry with her - twice - and it hasn't worked. So this time you need to a different tactic. Sit down with her (with or without a counsellor) and find out what needs to change in your marriage. Instead of sleeping apart for a few days, come up with a list of constructive action points (god I'm sorry that sounds like a meeting at work) for both of you. These could be related to improving your sex life or your general intimacy - little things like making sure you eat together with the TV off most nights, or bigger things like getting a babysitter and organising a weekend away a couple of times a year. Agree to sit down once a month and get out the list and see how you're doing.

Good luck.

sheeplikessleep · 08/12/2011 12:42

Jack. Porn is a 'one way street', no emotional involvement.
Sexting is a two way interaction, where you are responding to an individual who you know and get to know through the interaction, on an emotional level.
Totally totally different in my book.

camilla2010 · 08/12/2011 12:42

There seems to be quite alot of aggressive language and threats and I don't see that any of that helps.
Can you go alone to a councillor and speak how you want to her and then discuss ways to approach it with your wife.
There is a reason she is wanting attention from John and both of you are guilty for this situation.
But you have children and a seemingly good relationship aside from this.
Lots of marriages get better after these situations- which are common and I do think you should find a calm way to resolve things.
John is neither here nor there so put him out of your head.
Good Luck and I hope everything works out for you all!

DoesNotGiveAFig · 08/12/2011 12:43

Better sex life, more of an effort to let her know she is desirable, sexy and attractive!

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 12:46

So, is it salvegeable?

OP posts:
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