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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to treat DW's sexting as infidelity?

343 replies

JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 11:35

First post here so deep breath...

DW and I have been married for over 10 years and have 2 DCs aged 3 and 8. Good marriage IMO except physical side has never been that great for either of us. Anyway, all well until after birth of DC #2:

A few months after DC # 2 was born, her mobile text alert bleeps. She happens to be out of the room, her phone is next to me so I glance at it and see on it quite a flirtatious text from someone whom we'll call 'John'. Curiousity piqued, I grab the phone and see two or three texts back and forth between DW and John which are also flirty. I feel sick and I confront her over this and it turns out that John is an old flame from before my time. I make it clear how hurt and upset I am and she promises she'll not do it again. I feel bad about snooping and make up my mind to trust her. She swears blind that there's nothing in it; as far as she's concerned it's just a bit of harmless fun.

Ok, so I forgive, forget and move on. Until about three months ago - exactly the same thing happens. More traffic between her and John on her phone, this time of a more sexual nature on both their parts, although the impression is that he's largely the one driving it forward. This time I really blow up at her, tell her how angry I am, how betrayed I feel and that I feel I can't trust her. Again, she swears that it is purely a bit of fun, that it;s just an 'outlet', she has her ego massaged by it and she would never dream of cheating on me with this mush. I 'punish' her by sleeping apart from her for several days but gradually forgive her...

But this time I don't forget; I feel I can no longer trust. I don't feel bad about snooping on her phone any more and, guess what, more texts last week between her and John, more explicit, again mainly driven by him although she is hardly fending him off. This time I haven't confronted her, as the last two occasions clearly achieved Sweet FA but really don't know what to do about it. I haven't been able to get to her phone this week but am sure this is continuing, as I'm sure that what I've seen are just the texts she hasn't deleted.

Right now, I feel absolutely devastated, betrayed, very hurt, very angry but also very scared. I want our marriage to work and am willing to consider Relate or something similar (but that would involve me 'fessing up to her that I know about the latest bunch of texts), and I don't want to lose her or our DCs, but I find the whole situation really intolerable. I still love her very much but find it really difficult to be around her right now (she's noticed I'm withdrawn ATM). I'm also really worried that this latest rack of texts I've seen seems to be an escalation and that she will end up having an affair with John. Feel sick constantly and can't sleep ATM.

I feel really conflicted right now. Part of me want to throw her out but I still love her and don't want to do that to our DCs. Part of me wonders whether this is just an escapist fantasy for her and not unfaithfulness from her POV(maybe the female version of blokes looking at porn?) and I should just put up with it (not sure I can though) and play happy families and pretend nothing's happening. Part of me wants to track John down and send him a photo of the DCs asking him what his intentions are to my DW and how I should tell the DCs that, or even go postal on him and beat the bastard up!

So wtf should I do???!!!

OP posts:
SooticaTheWitchesCat · 08/12/2011 12:09

I would be absolutley livid if my DH ever did someting like that. It isn't acceptable behaviour and is not just a bit of fun.

You are right that sexually things wont be the same as when you were first together especially when you have children but that is no excuse for what she is doing. She is married with children and she should put her family first, she is very wring in what she is doing.

She is obvioulsy missing something in your relationships though and you need to have a long talk about what is making her do this. You need to resolve the issues behind her actions before you can think of getting past this.

I must admit I would be tempted to send a messsage to the other person but it probably isn't a good idea and you know that beating him up isn't the answer either.

You have to talk to your wife and maybe even get some marriage councelling if you want to try to keep your marriage but she has to be with you on this too and break all contact with 'John'. If she wont do that it will never work.

I wish you luck.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 12:11

The message to send the other man would be :

"Get ready, my wife will be single soon, are you prepared to be a weekend dad to another mans children?"

QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 12:12

My bet is that he would instantly delete your wives number and block her!

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 12:14

I meant 'where's the line between being flirty and being sexy'?

As to the 'not manly' thing, as I said, I really want to stuff John's fucking face into the floor and I want to have it out with her - maybe I will - but am worried that it will just destroy things totally and I don't want to do that, or it will achieve exactly the same as the last two occasions - ie: fuck all.

The weird thing is she seems just as affectionate to me as before, says she loves me, we have a good marriage etc, so I'm not sure she has 'emotionally left me'.

It's just a complete mind-fuck for me.

OP posts:
Clownsarescary · 08/12/2011 12:14

Quint your 12:11 post is brilliant. Spot on.

fuzzynavel · 08/12/2011 12:15

Yes, his behaviour is not very manly.

His wife has lost respect for him.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 12:16

WTF?

OP posts:
Clownsarescary · 08/12/2011 12:16

OP cross posts. Don't go down the stuff John's fucking face into the floor route. Do it Quint's way.

Your dw is clearly not listening to you, if it was me I'd dump.

fuzzynavel · 08/12/2011 12:17

Jack

She is cheating.

She doesn't care.

She doesn't respect you.

She is keeping you sweet probably for financial reasons.

TroublesomeEx · 08/12/2011 12:17

Jack if it's all a bit 'Carry On' then it's harmless, once it's pornographic it's gone too far!

Whatmeworry · 08/12/2011 12:17

So where's the line?

It's way behind where she is now, after promising twice to give him up.

"Get ready, my wife will be single soon, are you prepared to be a weekend dad to another mans children?"

:o

I'd send that text after I'd done my preparations though.....

MollyTheMole · 08/12/2011 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 08/12/2011 12:18

The line is wherever you want it to be OP.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 12:19

Bottle of whiskey and a bottle of pills, the way I feel right now...

OP posts:
ujjayi · 08/12/2011 12:19

Nip this in the bud now. She is already having an affair - albeit an emotional rather than physical one. She cannot say it is no threat to your marriage since she will be investing all her time, energy and thoughts into receiving and giving those texts rather than making an effort with you.

Demand that she either cuts this man out of her life or the marriage is over.

She quite possibly is bored. He represents excitement because he is not part of the equation of her every day life. As you recognise, there is something of a lack of spark and excitement between you and yes, that can be par for the course in a relationship BUT relationships don't just happen, they need to be worked at. Perhaps your wife feels ignored or unappreciated by you. I don't mean to accuse you - just trying to play devil's advocate and wonder what she would throw back at you.

Seriously, she is taking the piss. She knows it. You know it. She sees that she can continue to get away with behaving like this and she interprets it as okay. Let her know how much you love her but that you cannot continue with a marriage that she clearly has no respect for. If she respected you she would not be "sexting" with another man.

Oh and I agree with others about not dealing with this man. You need to address your issues with DW because ultimately if this is how she behaves then the other person is almost irrelevant. She is not, as you acknowledge, doing this against her will. She is actively deceiving you.

StealthPolarBear · 08/12/2011 12:20

Fuzzy if by manly you mean violent and stupid you're right. I have no respect for that sort of manly behaviour

dottygirl1 · 08/12/2011 12:20

Jack.... you are the one who read the texts so in your opinion were they flirty or sex texts?? Imo any "risque" texts that my DH sent to a woman would be so not on.

If you dont have it out with her, how will you really know how she feels??

gypsycat · 08/12/2011 12:22

I don't think the marriage is completely over a this point. It's still possible to salvage it, however that won't happen if you don't have it out with her. She's ignored your requests to stop twice, and you need to find out why that is, and you need to make her realize that you will not tolerate her behaviour.

Having it out with her will not make things worse, keeping quiet will.

fuzzynavel · 08/12/2011 12:22

Stealth?

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 08/12/2011 12:23

"Bottle of whiskey and a bottle of pills, the way I feel right now..."

Please don't say things like that. Talk to her and tell her what you know and how you are feeling.

QuietNinjaMincepie · 08/12/2011 12:27

I'd be fuming if my dh had done this and think if I were to ever do it then I would definitely not be caring much for my dh.
You can work this out but only if your dw wants to as well. Give her an ultimatum. If she still carries on then I'd say you're better off without her.
I hope you can work it out, oh and when you do confront her keep your cool! But let her know how angry you are and how close you are to walking.

MollyTheMole · 08/12/2011 12:27

Hey hang on a fucking minute, stop kicking this dude when hes down WTFF with "his bevahiour is not very manly"???!!! Angry What the hell would be 'manly' in this situation? FFS Angry

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 12:28

Is this at all like men looking at porn as a 'outlet'?

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 08/12/2011 12:29

Sootica - the op has already done that before. Things don't seem to be getting sorted.

To clarify "the unmanly behaviour I was referring to was regarding his immature wording regarding "punishing" her and his inability in not confronting their issues.

Their sex like being one of them.

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 08/12/2011 12:29

If she didn't stop after the first time you caught her out and she isn't crying and trying to make a go of things then she is past it.

You sound like a decent bloke. :(