...to treat DW's sexting as infidelity?

[JackMatthias]

First post here so deep breath...

DW and I have been married for over 10 years and have 2 DCs aged 3 and 8. Good marriage IMO except physical side has never been that great for either of us. Anyway, all well until after birth of DC #2:

A few months after DC # 2 was born, her mobile text alert bleeps. She happens to be out of the room, her phone is next to me so I glance at it and see on it quite a flirtatious text from someone whom we'll call 'John'. Curiousity piqued, I grab the phone and see two or three texts back and forth between DW and John which are also flirty. I feel sick and I confront her over this and it turns out that John is an old flame from before my time. I make it clear how hurt and upset I am and she promises she'll not do it again. I feel bad about snooping and make up my mind to trust her. She swears blind that there's nothing in it; as far as she's concerned it's just a bit of harmless fun.

Ok, so I forgive, forget and move on. Until about three months ago - exactly the same thing happens. More traffic between her and John on her phone, this time of a more sexual nature on both their parts, although the impression is that he's largely the one driving it forward. This time I really blow up at her, tell her how angry I am, how betrayed I feel and that I feel I can't trust her. Again, she swears that it is purely a bit of fun, that it;s just an 'outlet', she has her ego massaged by it and she would never dream of cheating on me with this mush. I 'punish' her by sleeping apart from her for several days but gradually forgive her...

But this time I don't forget; I feel I can no longer trust. I don't feel bad about snooping on her phone any more and, guess what, more texts last week between her and John, more explicit, again mainly driven by him although she is hardly fending him off. This time I haven't confronted her, as the last two occasions clearly achieved Sweet FA but really don't know what to do about it. I haven't been able to get to her phone this week but am sure this is continuing, as I'm sure that what I've seen are just the texts she hasn't deleted.

Right now, I feel absolutely devastated, betrayed, very hurt, very angry but also very scared. I want our marriage to work and am willing to consider Relate or something similar (but that would involve me 'fessing up to her that I know about the latest bunch of texts), and I don't want to lose her or our DCs, but I find the whole situation really intolerable. I still love her very much but find it really difficult to be around her right now (she's noticed I'm withdrawn ATM). I'm also really worried that this latest rack of texts I've seen seems to be an escalation and that she will end up having an affair with John. Feel sick constantly and can't sleep ATM.

I feel really conflicted right now. Part of me want to throw her out but I still love her and don't want to do that to our DCs. Part of me wonders whether this is just an escapist fantasy for her and not unfaithfulness from her POV(maybe the female version of blokes looking at porn?) and I should just put up with it (not sure I can though) and play happy families and pretend nothing's happening. Part of me wants to track John down and send him a photo of the DCs asking him what his intentions are to my DW and how I should tell the DCs that, or even go postal on him and beat the bastard up!

So wtf should I do???!!!

Oh that's not at all what I meant (SCRSEIH)! I did try very hard to make that question non-judgy. I just thought it was an odd analogy for the OP to make - and in fact I think his RL friend is a little strange for thinking it too. OP I wasn't having a go!

Incidentally, said friend says I shouldn't confront her about it but to concentrate on doting on her etc. - try and give her what's she lacking or something. TBH, don't really feel like that ATM!

What I think he means is that I should try and make her feel special, desirable etc - as some here have been saying - and that that will somehow 'wean her away' from John...?

wanna

love the way you ignored me saying I would view it as cheating. That's quite a way to twist things to suit yourself. The OP wanted to know if it was the same thing as porn for man; he was looking for WHY it's happening, hence the response, which I stand by.

Your assumption that I would say "leave the bastard" if it was the other way around is staggering. You fool.

Let me put it this way Jack. If you were doing this to your wife, do you think her friends would be telling her to give you what you are so clearly lacking?

No. Me neither.

There is no excuse for cheating, male or female. You caught her at it twice before, both times she promised not to do it again, but she has.

What does your friend want to happen? For you to ignore it until it becomes a full-blown affair? Only you Jack, know how close this was to getting physical.

You've had some good advice on this thread. May I suggest you start to take some of it?

Confront her, have the conversation THEN do whatever needs doing if you are BOTH amenable. You'll just resent her if you ignore it and it'll play on your mind.

She is having an 'emotional affair' at the very least and maybe even a physical one and if not, then it is possibly heading this way.

If you were a woman posting this about your husband, there would not be one single post trying to explain why he may possibly be doing this, or speculating what you may be doing wrong or how you could change in order to make things right. You would be told he is betraying you, doesn't want to stop, is taking you for a fool and you should leave him!

You have been here twice before and it hasn't stopped her. You know why? because she doesn't want to stop. This 'sexting' and whatever else she may be doing matters more to her than her relationship with you, that's the top and bottom of it. If it didn't - she would stop rather than risk you.

What you choose to do about it is up to you. But I think you have to face facts - she is doing this because she wants to and she's not going to stop.

Sorry Jack but if things aren't right in the bedroom you talk about it with your dh, you don't go looking for it elsewhere. If this was the first time, I'd be more inclined to think that maybe you should see it as a warning and both of you should do all you can to salvage the marriage. But it's not the first time.

Some people cheat even when they have a good sex life at home. Just because they are cheating it does not necessarily mean that they must be lacking in something. My guess is that she wants it both ways - the secure hubby at home with the kids and the excitement of a bit of the side. That excitement naturally goes when you are married, you don't get the same thrill as illicit sex and that may well be what she is craving. In which case you're knackered.

Hecate I'd certainly offer potential explanations for the husband's action's if the OP was asking.

But the sex thing does seem to underlie it all.
jack has said it was never great, and they have a ten year old. That's a long time to be things to be wrong.

Not to excuse the wife at all - she's gone behind his back twice - but if he still loves her and wants to save the marriage, and if she 'comes back to her senses' and still loves Jack - then the sex issue will have to be addressed.

there is no point having a big row and recriminations and promises and trying again and all the rest of it if the underlying issue must be tackled.

Feel I'm on the edge of a breakdown over this. This is hell on earth, sheer torture and agony!

Yes, I agree. Jack if you know there are issues regarding sex then as I mentioned earlier, you both need to agree to counselling. If you are sexually incompatible then I'm not sure what you can do, but if you want to stay with her then this has to be an area in which you BOTH make efforts to change.

What's the issue with the sex, if you don't mind me asking?

There isn't enough of it?

Jack, I've been there. I know how that feels.

Our sex life was crap. 6 months or so inbetween what felt like duty sessions. DH had an emotional affair with some explicit messages after I had DD. I sat down with him one evening, and explained that although I felt I'd betrayed his trust by going thru his messages, his was a worse betrayal. I was sorry, but we needed to discuss what I'd found. I told him if it happened again our relationship would be over, and she was welcome to him. I love him, but not at the cost of my self worth. I suggested we talk in a calm manner, with NO (stress that word) recriminations for anything said by either of us if he wanted to fix us.

Long story short, he felt ignored by me after DD, and like your DW it was "just a bit of fun". He hadn't realised how I'd view things. Since then we've taken a more open conversation policy. Anything said can be said knowing it will come from a desire to be honest. As a result, our lives together have improved hugely, and our sex life has not only re-started but has never been more amazing.

You CAN get thru this, but only if you and she both want to. If she refuses to talk, or really doesn't see the problem then do what's best for you. Don't stay for the sake of the kids or anything else. She's not worth your time. Sorry this is long, but wanted to give my whole story.

Jack - calm down.
Yes it's a shock and dammit the betrayal again must hurt like hell.
However self pity is not the way to go about this.

You can either wallow in it, or you can start to confront the issue before Christmas and make a brand new start for the New Year. Hopefully with her.

C'mon now, pick yourself up, dust yourself down, pour yourself a large drink and start making plans for your next move.
You can achieve a lot in just a few days you know. This time next week you might be in a different place mentally, you might feel stronger and more in control.

Your kids need you to be strong for them. They pick up on anxiety. So pull yourself together for their sakes and tackle this thing now, don't let it drag through Christmas, that would be awful for all of you.

Take action. Confront your wife, send John that text and phone Relate to book their earliest appointment. Then book a restaurant table, get a babysitter and take your wife out to have a proper chat about your marriage and where you both go from here. But don't you go making the compromises - she needs to make them.

Jack believe it or not this too shall pass . Am stunned at your friends advice , it would like trying to compete or something

Yep, what Cliff said.

At disbelief that your friend told you to give her what she is lacking?!?!? Beggars belief.

Seriously Jack, you are going around and around and around here. Nobody else's opinion really matters that much. You don't know how your wife will respond in this instance. You have to communicate how it has made you feel. If she belittles that or doesn't show any remorse, then I'd suggest you rethink the whole thing. But she may be totally sorry about it all and severe all contact with John.

You need to talk to her. You are going through all scenarios without truly knowing what she is thinking (and you need to ask her, for the sake of all, to be honest with you about why this keeps happening). She at least owes you some straight talking, so you can decide where to go from here.

I cannot imagine the agony you are going through at the moment, but you need to take the bull by the horns and approach her and get some straight answers.

Good luck.

cross posts with cliff

If your sex life is shit it's no wonder she's seeking that attention elsewhere. Do you work at making her feel sexy and attractive despite your lack of sex? That's the ego boost she's after, to know she is desired and found attractive, not necessarily the actual physical sex side, though I suspect she'd like a bit more of that from you!

It takes two people to build a decent sexual relationship.

Oddly enough, the stock MN response to men seeking attention elsewhere is "tell him to have a wank"

Strange how different some responses are when it's the man who posts about a relationship problem.

I know, worra. If there is one single post anywhere on mumsnet that reads along the lines of "If your sex life is shit it's no wonder he's seeking that attention elsewhere. Do you work at making him feel sexy and attractive despite your lack of sex? That's the ego boost he's after, to know he is desired and found attractive, not necessarily the actual physical sex side, though I suspect he'd like a bit more of that from you!" ... I will give the finder a million quid.

You can decide how someone treats you, within reason, if you don't like her sexting either get her to stop or tell her to fuck off. For me this is a deal breaker.

She may decide that her sexual needs outweigh your emotional needs.

FWIW, I want more sex with her, but she doesn't seem terribly keen.

Did it ever occur to you that I might be speaking from experience? That you don't know me and can't predict what I'd say if someone asks why and is seeking an explanation? You are seeing what you want to and taking it out of context too. Again, ignoring the fact I said I would view it as cheating because to me it is. Offering an explanation for her actions which the OP asked for based on experience is clearly wrong. Because other people would immediately say "leave the bastard" if it was the other way around doesn't mean I would.

Ahem: "LEAVE THE BITCH!"

That better?