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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to treat DW's sexting as infidelity?

343 replies

JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 11:35

First post here so deep breath...

DW and I have been married for over 10 years and have 2 DCs aged 3 and 8. Good marriage IMO except physical side has never been that great for either of us. Anyway, all well until after birth of DC #2:

A few months after DC # 2 was born, her mobile text alert bleeps. She happens to be out of the room, her phone is next to me so I glance at it and see on it quite a flirtatious text from someone whom we'll call 'John'. Curiousity piqued, I grab the phone and see two or three texts back and forth between DW and John which are also flirty. I feel sick and I confront her over this and it turns out that John is an old flame from before my time. I make it clear how hurt and upset I am and she promises she'll not do it again. I feel bad about snooping and make up my mind to trust her. She swears blind that there's nothing in it; as far as she's concerned it's just a bit of harmless fun.

Ok, so I forgive, forget and move on. Until about three months ago - exactly the same thing happens. More traffic between her and John on her phone, this time of a more sexual nature on both their parts, although the impression is that he's largely the one driving it forward. This time I really blow up at her, tell her how angry I am, how betrayed I feel and that I feel I can't trust her. Again, she swears that it is purely a bit of fun, that it;s just an 'outlet', she has her ego massaged by it and she would never dream of cheating on me with this mush. I 'punish' her by sleeping apart from her for several days but gradually forgive her...

But this time I don't forget; I feel I can no longer trust. I don't feel bad about snooping on her phone any more and, guess what, more texts last week between her and John, more explicit, again mainly driven by him although she is hardly fending him off. This time I haven't confronted her, as the last two occasions clearly achieved Sweet FA but really don't know what to do about it. I haven't been able to get to her phone this week but am sure this is continuing, as I'm sure that what I've seen are just the texts she hasn't deleted.

Right now, I feel absolutely devastated, betrayed, very hurt, very angry but also very scared. I want our marriage to work and am willing to consider Relate or something similar (but that would involve me 'fessing up to her that I know about the latest bunch of texts), and I don't want to lose her or our DCs, but I find the whole situation really intolerable. I still love her very much but find it really difficult to be around her right now (she's noticed I'm withdrawn ATM). I'm also really worried that this latest rack of texts I've seen seems to be an escalation and that she will end up having an affair with John. Feel sick constantly and can't sleep ATM.

I feel really conflicted right now. Part of me want to throw her out but I still love her and don't want to do that to our DCs. Part of me wonders whether this is just an escapist fantasy for her and not unfaithfulness from her POV(maybe the female version of blokes looking at porn?) and I should just put up with it (not sure I can though) and play happy families and pretend nothing's happening. Part of me wants to track John down and send him a photo of the DCs asking him what his intentions are to my DW and how I should tell the DCs that, or even go postal on him and beat the bastard up!

So wtf should I do???!!!

OP posts:
SimoneD · 15/12/2011 13:18

sheeplikesleep, I accept everything that you say in your post. I just feel like the OPs actions and reactions have been very extreme considering there has been no physical infidelity. I suspect that this has something to do with the OPs mental health problems and I just dont think its a healthy reaction and this thread seems to be fuelling his obsession. Its (hopefully) been nipped in the bud and now is the time to sit down and talk and find out what caused it and whether each party wants to be in the relationship. Find the 'soft furniture' throwing, anger, bawling, histrionics and talk of punishing very extreme and worrying.

ilovemyteddy · 15/12/2011 13:18

What Sheep said.

I've had 20+ years of a happy marriage too. Didn't stop me having two affairs. But I had those affairs because there was something that needed fixing in me, not my marriage. That's what Jack's DW and he need to work together to sort out. What is acceptable behaviour in their marriage (and in their own personal boundary setting) and what isn't.

Flirting with a random stranger in a bar is NOT the same as regular sexting with an old flame. And this wasn't a 'couple' of flirty texts that Jack discovered.

Anyway the most important thing is what Jack feels about it, not you or me. HIS boundaries, which may be different to yours or mine, have been breached by his DWs actions.

sheeplikessleep · 15/12/2011 13:25

Simone - I guess IMHO emotional infidelity is as bad, if not worse, than physical infidelity. I don't think his reactions have been extreme, he's thrown cushions around and had a stern conversation with John and cried. If the genders were reversed, would it be as worrying then? If I had been in OPs position, I would certainly be feeling raw enough to want to hurt my DH as much as he'd hurt me (and I'm not talking about violence, I'm talking about feeling hurt and betrayed).

AbbyAbsinthe · 15/12/2011 13:42

It really does depend on the definition of 'sexting' is in this instance.

I asked Jack much earlier in the thread to explain whether the texts were flirty or pornographic and he didn't ever answer.

FetchezLaVache · 15/12/2011 14:36

Apart from anything else, Simone and others who think Jack is overreacting, Jack has said that these texts have been getting nearer and nearer the knuckle, led by John, but seemingly reciprocated by Jack's wife. Is he to do nothing until actual physical adultery has been committed? If the texting is a sign of his wife's dissatisfaction with their marriage, why shouldn't he take it as a signal to get some counselling and try to put things right? He's already caught her at it twice before and nothing has changed, so why should he put up with a situation that makes him so unhappy?

Original poster
JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 15:06

Having checked DW's mobile bill (with her consent I add - part of the rebuilding trust), there are over 50 texts from her to John in just the month leading up to my discovery of the latest 'round'.

Just a 'few flirty texts', eh, Simone? Still think I'm overreacting?

OP posts:
sheeplikessleep · 15/12/2011 15:21

Jack - to be fair, I don't think you've ever said how many texts (and yes, Simone did make an assumption). Your second paragraph in your last post comes across as a bit aggressive, as have other posters posts. Just saying. Given there has been some posts regarding your reactions to the scenario, I think you need to keep your cool here.

And for what it's worth, I do feel for you in this situation completely and really hope you work things out with your wife. She has a lot of bridge building to do and a lot of trust to build.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 15:27

Sorry, guess I'm a bit raw about it still.

OP posts:
sheeplikessleep · 15/12/2011 15:31

Totally understandable, I'm just saying really, in light of some of the other posters posts. FWIW, I think you have every right to be angry, but you have to work through a way of dealing with that anger, in order to move on, whatever you decide to do.

mynewpassion · 15/12/2011 15:52

Jack:

Your reaction has been on par to the crime. Personally, I think its on the mild side as this is third time you have caught her sexting. But, your way is the best way forward as it doesn't burn bridges and hopefully, will help you guys rebuild your marriage.

Ignore the double standards because we all know that if you were a woman, many would advocate harsher reactions from you.

underbeneathsies · 15/12/2011 16:09

Oops sorry my apologies, on re-reading I see furnishings, not furniture.
So sorry if I said you were throwing the furniture round. That's probably why i reacted so harshly, cos that kind of noise would wake sleeping children, which would be not on.
Going medieval could mean a lot of things Jack to many people... shouting and sword wielding, boiling oil etc come to my mind

I still maintain that Fantasy is not Crime - it even has a different section in the bookshop!

I hope you and your dw find a relationship counsellor soon and also that you both come out of your depressions, and find resolution.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 15/12/2011 16:11

underbeneath, I suspect that you are unfamiliar with the concept of an "emotional affair". Either that, or you are having one yourself. Wink

QuintessentiallyFestive · 15/12/2011 16:13

People, this mans wife has been sexting another man from the marital bed, with the op laying asleep next to her. Use some imagination....

Original poster
JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 16:18

I think in all honesty both of us will suffer on and off with depression for the rest of our lives - it's more a medical condition (at least for me) than a specific 'event-related response'.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyFestive · 15/12/2011 16:24

You know, when I had my pnd diagnosis, my gp told me he suspected my husband was also suffering from depression, but being the kind of man he is, the doctor said my husband was unlikely to ever admit it, or seek help for it. He has been admitting it lately though (5 years down the line), and he finds that with serious amounts of exercise, and omega3 that he can keep it in check and stay on top of it. Might not work for everybody though.

underbeneathsies · 15/12/2011 16:29

Hi Quint (of the midgets?)
I am actually quite familiar with this kindof area, and have also worked a lot with men over coming violent emotion MOVE - which is probably why I'm very sensitive to the action words: grabbed the phone, punish her, beat the guy up, go postal, go medieval, and make a judgement call based on the words used.

Call me old fashioned, but I see the OP and his wife as both being victims of circumstances here. She has PND and he has depression.

Time will tell how things go for you both Jack - counselling is the way forward as it will help you both explore your feelings and also allow you to find your paths through this sorry situation.

Again apologies to Jack for being overly harsh - I misread your post about the furniture. Good luck with your counselling.

sheeplikessleep · 15/12/2011 16:30

interesting about the omega 3 and exercise quint.

dh suffers with stress quite a bit, and all of his family are on ADs. i think dh also suffers with feelings of depression too, more than just sadness.
but when he does do exercise, he is so much better and happier. i know exercise helps him, but i didn't know about the omega 3

QuintessentiallyFestive · 15/12/2011 17:01

Yes, thats me, of midget fame ... Xmas Grin

It is something about the fatty acids in the fish working directly on the chemistry of the brain. You know how they say that omega 3 helps calm children with adhd, and help for memory? It also helps against depression. But one should be careful with the supplements, if the contents of the capsules have gone rancid (which apparently can happen without anybody realizing) it is not so good for you. So, fish like mackerell, tuna and salmon are your best bets.

Jack, you have lots of good advice, I hope you and your wife manage to work through this.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 15/12/2011 17:02

underneath, you would naturally be more sensitive to certain words than somebody who does not work in this area.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 09:45

AbbyAbsinthe, it was more at the 'flirting' rather than 'porn' end of the spectrum, I guess, although there were references to snogging and dogging more latterly and getting me a mistress as 'compensation'.

OP posts:
Original poster
JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 09:49

I don't think either of them did an Anthony Weiner if that's what you mean.

OP posts:
DoesNotGiveAFig · 16/12/2011 09:51

DOGGGGGGGINNGGGG??!! Bleugh.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 09:59

As in suggesting that I watch them at it.

OP posts:
Original poster
JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 10:04

Yeah, I know, brain bleach time. Def. need a vomiting smiley!

OP posts:
Charbon · 16/12/2011 10:10

I'm sorry Jack but I think that takes it to a different level. This shows complete contempt for you and indicates that your wife had very few barriers.

What sort of counselling has your wife booked and did you read the Relate link?