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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to treat DW's sexting as infidelity?

343 replies

JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 11:35

First post here so deep breath...

DW and I have been married for over 10 years and have 2 DCs aged 3 and 8. Good marriage IMO except physical side has never been that great for either of us. Anyway, all well until after birth of DC #2:

A few months after DC # 2 was born, her mobile text alert bleeps. She happens to be out of the room, her phone is next to me so I glance at it and see on it quite a flirtatious text from someone whom we'll call 'John'. Curiousity piqued, I grab the phone and see two or three texts back and forth between DW and John which are also flirty. I feel sick and I confront her over this and it turns out that John is an old flame from before my time. I make it clear how hurt and upset I am and she promises she'll not do it again. I feel bad about snooping and make up my mind to trust her. She swears blind that there's nothing in it; as far as she's concerned it's just a bit of harmless fun.

Ok, so I forgive, forget and move on. Until about three months ago - exactly the same thing happens. More traffic between her and John on her phone, this time of a more sexual nature on both their parts, although the impression is that he's largely the one driving it forward. This time I really blow up at her, tell her how angry I am, how betrayed I feel and that I feel I can't trust her. Again, she swears that it is purely a bit of fun, that it;s just an 'outlet', she has her ego massaged by it and she would never dream of cheating on me with this mush. I 'punish' her by sleeping apart from her for several days but gradually forgive her...

But this time I don't forget; I feel I can no longer trust. I don't feel bad about snooping on her phone any more and, guess what, more texts last week between her and John, more explicit, again mainly driven by him although she is hardly fending him off. This time I haven't confronted her, as the last two occasions clearly achieved Sweet FA but really don't know what to do about it. I haven't been able to get to her phone this week but am sure this is continuing, as I'm sure that what I've seen are just the texts she hasn't deleted.

Right now, I feel absolutely devastated, betrayed, very hurt, very angry but also very scared. I want our marriage to work and am willing to consider Relate or something similar (but that would involve me 'fessing up to her that I know about the latest bunch of texts), and I don't want to lose her or our DCs, but I find the whole situation really intolerable. I still love her very much but find it really difficult to be around her right now (she's noticed I'm withdrawn ATM). I'm also really worried that this latest rack of texts I've seen seems to be an escalation and that she will end up having an affair with John. Feel sick constantly and can't sleep ATM.

I feel really conflicted right now. Part of me want to throw her out but I still love her and don't want to do that to our DCs. Part of me wonders whether this is just an escapist fantasy for her and not unfaithfulness from her POV(maybe the female version of blokes looking at porn?) and I should just put up with it (not sure I can though) and play happy families and pretend nothing's happening. Part of me wants to track John down and send him a photo of the DCs asking him what his intentions are to my DW and how I should tell the DCs that, or even go postal on him and beat the bastard up!

So wtf should I do???!!!

OP posts:
thebody · 08/12/2011 14:04

cliff, spot on with your post, i think you have it exactly.

poster this has happened to us as a couple and sorry to say it was my fault, an old flame making me feel hot again, i didnt count the concequences until i saw the look in my dh face as he read the texts, we werent having an affair but it was still awful. for me I think it was it was being a sahm, feeling a bit passed over as dh worked long hours which always involved going to wine bars after work with male and female co workers and I guess I was jealous, NO EXCUSE.

I wouldnt dream of ever doing it again and feel blessed that now our marriage is fantastic as we both saw that cracks can become permanent.

your wife needs to stop being so selfish and understand your pain.

also you have every right to read her texts, she has shown herself to be a liar and she has to live with this.

do as cliff says in his post and best of luck as you sound like a fantastic husband.

sheeplikessleep · 08/12/2011 14:05

I agree Cliff - it's the repeat nature of things that would be the biggest issue if it were me.

theincredibequeenofwands · 08/12/2011 14:11

Going through her private text messages indicate that all was far from well before you even found out about John.

Sounds like it's time for you both to move on.

wannaBe · 08/12/2011 14:12

am a bit Hmm about some of the responses on this thread. "She is obvioulsy missing something in your relationships though and you need to have a long talk about what is making her do this. You need to resolve
the issues behind her actions before you can think of getting past this."

"If your sex life is shit it's no wonder she's seeking that attention elsewhere. Do you work at making her feel sexy and attractive despite your lack of
sex?"
"Better sex life, more of an effort to let her know she is desirable, sexy and attractive!"

Would people be posting that kind of response if this was a woman posting the same? I don't think so - people would be telling her to pack his bags, change the locks and make him beg for access to his children! and anyone who dared suggest to a female op that she should be making more of an effort to make her man feel sexy after having just caught him cheating would be ripped apart by the masses.

The double standards on here never cease to amaze me..

SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 08/12/2011 14:13

wannabe, to be fair most posters are NOT saying that.

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 08/12/2011 14:20

That sort of advice is puerile at the best of times, but it's not what I've said, wannabe. I've agreed with Teddy that the OP should read the almost identical thread from April and look at the advice there. They are so similar it's incredible.

thebody · 08/12/2011 14:28

understand what wannabe says but heck feeling sexy, having sex and feeling desired, cherished and not just a mom or dad is important for both partners I think.

I feel she isnt taking the posters feelings seriously as she is still texting this bloke, she either doesnt realise the pain she is causing or she doesnt care and thats the nub of it.

if she doesnt care then hes lost her.

if its simply that she doesnt realise and needs a bloody good jolt, as in he tells her he knows she is still doing this and its make or break time, that might work.

sex/desirability and flirty texting(with your partner) is as much part of a marriage as bringing up the kids and paying the bills.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 14:30

Theincrediblequeenofwands, if you read the OP, I didn't go through her texts until after I found out about John; it was quite by accident that I discovered the first text (that I'd known about). I don't want to move on from her but I do want to move on from where we're at ATM.

I have now read the other thread and can really relate to hubbyconf; he seems very similar to me. Shame the thread ends where it did - I'd like to think there was a happy ending

OP posts:
JeremyVile · 08/12/2011 14:37

To be fair BoF, you did pretty much tell him that you dont think seeking advice on mumsnet was particularly helpful in this kind of situation and that he should be talking to her and not us.

I honestly dont think you would have said that to a woman posting about the same issue.

If maybe you feel this is some sort of stealth MRA thread and your replies are to try and put the dampeners on it then i'd understand, but i cant imagine thats the case, unless im missing something - it just looks like a very standard situation except that he is a man, i dont see any undercurrents.

thebody · 08/12/2011 14:39

you have every right to check her phone, i leave mine out all the time to prove to dh that i wouldnt dream of ever doing this again, not sure if he looks or not but it reassures him and makes me feel better.

she needs to do the work, not you, she needs to apologise and be honest as if you havnt got trust then you havnt got a realtionship.

wishing you so much luck and pehaps you should let her read the posts on here to jolt her to her senses and see what she could loose, i.e you.

theincredibequeenofwands · 08/12/2011 14:45

I don't think anyone has any right to check the private messages of anyone else.

I leave my phone about, but my partner would never go through it. And I'd never go through his. It's just not on. We trust each other!

If you don't trust someone then leave, don't snoop through their private messages!!

And to be fair, if she knows that you go through her phone and still isn't deleting John's messages then I'd suggest that she want you to see them. This is her way of showing you that it's over - sorry.

:(

thebody · 08/12/2011 14:57

theincredible.. sorry but you may not understand, until our situation occured then I would have agreed with you.

but once trust is broken then rules change and things need to be different for a time so that the 'guilty' party can blatantly show they are playing the game.

its too easy to say leave, this poster loves his wife and their are kids involved.

its easy to make glib statements when you havnt been in that place.

thebody · 08/12/2011 15:00

although have to agree with your last statement, she either is very selfish/blinkered to his pain and her actions or as you say she doesnt care, the second alternative would be the worst one of course.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 15:13

I dont understand why he shouldnt just kick her out though.

Is it because she is a woman? Can you not kick out a philandering mum?
Only a philandering dad?

I think as always, one must put the gender aside....

InOneEar · 08/12/2011 15:15

Agree there are double standards applying to the OP. Would a woman posting about the same issue receive the same lecturing tone? No. OP, you deserve better. Your DW is being hugely insensitive and inappropriate. Affairs start in the mind and she is playing a dangerous game. Talk to her, and tell her in no uncertain terms that she MUST cut off all contact with John. I would get yourselves to Relate and get to the bottom of this behaviour. You admit that your sex life is not great, and maybe that is something to work on later, but first things first she needs to get her priorities straight, show you that she is seriously committed.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 15:15

It seems that there is a lot of this going on judging by this and the other thread...?

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyFestive · 08/12/2011 15:18

Sadly there is.

Texting and facebook is the work of the devil as far as marriages and lack of respect for marriages are concerned.

gettingeasier · 08/12/2011 15:18

Well if it wasnt for people coming on and saying they had done the same thing as your DW then gone on to fix their marriages I would have said your marriage is over

However as far as I can tell they were shocked into giving up their sexting upon first discovery and horrified at the pain they caused. It doesnt sound like this applies to your DW.

Sorry but I think her blatant disregard for your feelings after twice being confronted and also allowing you to discover more messages (why on earth wouldnt she delete them) suggests this is serious.

I would get legal advice , after all you dont have to use any information, then talk to her and go from there.

I am so sorry you are going through this

AbbyAbsinthe · 08/12/2011 15:20

I'm in agreement with wannabe too.

If a woman posted this about their husband, there would be far less advice about making him feel sexy and desirable and all that stuff. In the main, the opinions would be to get rid and that you can never trust him again.

What worries me is her dismissiveness of the situation. It's almost as though you have to suck it up and just allow her to be flattered like this.

I couldn't stand for it. It wouldn't necessarily be the end of the relationship of course, but you have to be careful that you're not taking the blame for her cheating by text.

InOneEar · 08/12/2011 15:20

couldn't comment if there is a lot of this going on or not. I started a thread recently about the fact that I was feeling really guilty for thinking about an old university flatmate. However, I never 'crossed the line' into sexting or inappropriate emails etc. It was all in my head - still felt damn guilty though. And I love DH dearly......

neilyourbedroomsonfire · 08/12/2011 15:21

YANBU
She is cheating.
She should be sexting and flirting with YOU only.
I could NEVER hurt my DH by behaving in the childish, self-centred way that your DW is!

janinlondon · 08/12/2011 15:38

Can I just ask the OP, you have asked a couple of times about whether this is the same as porn. Do you have a serious porn habit, and if so does your wife know about it? It just seems an odd question, esp as you have repeated it. Is it possible that this behaviour from your wife is a backlash against or reaction to something you are doing? Is that where you are going with this train of thought?

janinlondon · 08/12/2011 15:39

And (sorry - follow up question) is your DW on this forum? Are you hoping she will see this thread? I am trying to read between the lines here because I think there may be more to all this?

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 15:42

No I don't have a serious porn habit. The one male friend I've confided in IRL about this has likened it to that, that's all.

OP posts:
SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 08/12/2011 15:44

janinlondon, course there is because a wife would never cheat would she? It always has to be the mans fault.

So sorry you are getting such unhelpful and inappropriate responses Jack. Have you decided what you are going to do yet?