...to treat DW's sexting as infidelity?

[JackMatthias]

First post here so deep breath...

DW and I have been married for over 10 years and have 2 DCs aged 3 and 8. Good marriage IMO except physical side has never been that great for either of us. Anyway, all well until after birth of DC #2:

A few months after DC # 2 was born, her mobile text alert bleeps. She happens to be out of the room, her phone is next to me so I glance at it and see on it quite a flirtatious text from someone whom we'll call 'John'. Curiousity piqued, I grab the phone and see two or three texts back and forth between DW and John which are also flirty. I feel sick and I confront her over this and it turns out that John is an old flame from before my time. I make it clear how hurt and upset I am and she promises she'll not do it again. I feel bad about snooping and make up my mind to trust her. She swears blind that there's nothing in it; as far as she's concerned it's just a bit of harmless fun.

Ok, so I forgive, forget and move on. Until about three months ago - exactly the same thing happens. More traffic between her and John on her phone, this time of a more sexual nature on both their parts, although the impression is that he's largely the one driving it forward. This time I really blow up at her, tell her how angry I am, how betrayed I feel and that I feel I can't trust her. Again, she swears that it is purely a bit of fun, that it;s just an 'outlet', she has her ego massaged by it and she would never dream of cheating on me with this mush. I 'punish' her by sleeping apart from her for several days but gradually forgive her...

But this time I don't forget; I feel I can no longer trust. I don't feel bad about snooping on her phone any more and, guess what, more texts last week between her and John, more explicit, again mainly driven by him although she is hardly fending him off. This time I haven't confronted her, as the last two occasions clearly achieved Sweet FA but really don't know what to do about it. I haven't been able to get to her phone this week but am sure this is continuing, as I'm sure that what I've seen are just the texts she hasn't deleted.

Right now, I feel absolutely devastated, betrayed, very hurt, very angry but also very scared. I want our marriage to work and am willing to consider Relate or something similar (but that would involve me 'fessing up to her that I know about the latest bunch of texts), and I don't want to lose her or our DCs, but I find the whole situation really intolerable. I still love her very much but find it really difficult to be around her right now (she's noticed I'm withdrawn ATM). I'm also really worried that this latest rack of texts I've seen seems to be an escalation and that she will end up having an affair with John. Feel sick constantly and can't sleep ATM.

I feel really conflicted right now. Part of me want to throw her out but I still love her and don't want to do that to our DCs. Part of me wonders whether this is just an escapist fantasy for her and not unfaithfulness from her POV(maybe the female version of blokes looking at porn?) and I should just put up with it (not sure I can though) and play happy families and pretend nothing's happening. Part of me wants to track John down and send him a photo of the DCs asking him what his intentions are to my DW and how I should tell the DCs that, or even go postal on him and beat the bastard up!

So wtf should I do???!!!

I really want it to be but fear it isn't.

It sounds perfectly salvageable to me, just needs a bit of work. You need to have the conversation with her, then together you can decide.

it is always salvegable if both partners want it to be.
you need to speak with your wife and really find out what is going on in her head and her motivations of her texting and her views of the marriage.
good luck.

Jack, none of us know if it is salvegeable based on the snapshot we have. You might not know yet, it will partly depend on how your DW reacts.

I think what a lot of people are saying is you need to sit down and speak to her properly to work out what the way ahead is. It is clear that things can't carry on as they are now but you will only get a sense of whether or not it can be fixed by trying to fix it.

its totally salvageable but you have to have the conversation to work through it

hopefully, it will be a case of it getting a bit 'out of hand' and she hasn't fully considered it all or truly taken on board your upset the previous two times. you'll only know from talking with her.

What are the texts like? Are they filthy, or flirty?

IMO, she doesn't give a shit. If I caught DP doing this and he said it was ok, just for some excitement, his arse wouldn't touch the floor - not even really about the texting, more about the utter lack of respect.

I caught my husband out in a similar situation a couple of years ago, except it was emails not texts. I went ballistic, very nearly walked out the door. We talked about it for a few days, had some really good heart to hearts and we got past it and now have a really strong marriage.

If you want to salvage your marriage you need to be open and honest, as does your wife. Good luck

OP - do an advanced search on a thread over in Relationships called 'Inappropriate Texting'. Sorry I can't link it as I am technically incompetent rushing back to work.

There is some good advice on that thread which I think may be appropriate to your situation.

Reading your posts, what comes across to me is that you're still very in love with your wife and want it to work - but she is rather less in to you. In that sense, she probably takes you for granted and the thrill of the chase is entirely absent. Her respect for you is probably reduced by knowing she can treat you like shit and you still come crawling back. You have to change the balance of power in the relationship by standing up for what matters to you. Unless you're genuinely fine with her texting and possibly seeing other men behind your back - which you're not, clearly - then you ought to take that to its logical conclusion and call her bluff.

Yes, there is a danger you could split up if you have that conversation. But is that a risk worth taking? Could you bear to go on together, knowing that you can't trust her? If you'd rather live with that knowledge than lose her, then hold your horses. But be aware of the compromise you're making, and do it deliberately and gladly, as the resentment you're currently feeling is just making you miserable, but won't have the effect of bringing your wife back either.

So either take your courage in both hands and talk to her - or accept you're prepared to make sacrifices for your marriage, and don't. Either way, you can only change yourself, not your wife. Unless she wants to change - and at the moment, it seems clear she has no interest in changing.

My guess incidentally, is that she does care for you - but also cares for the other guy. She sees no need to change, as she's getting away with it just fine now.

I hope its salvageable, and maybe she is just hooked on the ego boost - I would carry on with that in mind, but I would also prepare for a future if its not salvageable before I had any major sit down/confrontation (because I think the fact you have been here twice before makes me think this is the more likely case), especially:

• if its not OK, what do I want to happen, what am I going to do?
• prepare for it legally/economically so you are not shafted. See a solicitor.
• probably do some more snooping fact finding so you really knew what was going on and couldn't easily be bamboozled.

Give yourself a few weeks and do these things first, and I'd also start a few trial conversations on the various related sub-topics raised and watch events carefully.

FFS Doesnot - do you normally blame the victim when their partner has an affair?!

Jack

This is not at all like porn because she knows this man. She used to have a relationship with him and those old feelings have obviously never gone away.

Why is she doing it? Well it could be that she feels bogged down with 2 children and a husband and likes a flutter with life on the outside. She obviously had a relationship with John before kids came along, when she felt young and sexy and passionate and he still excites all those feelings in her. Whereas your role has now changed, you are the father of her children and her husband and that just isn't exicting enough for her.

The only consolation you have is that he seems to be leading it all on, which makes it clear that he wants to take it further. Your wife is finding it all pretty irresistable although I am surprised that she would use sexting again after you've been known to snoop before. Perhaps the thought of being caught adds to her thrill? After all, if you were sexting and knew your dh was capable of reading your texts, wouldn't you go to extreme lengths to keep it from him?

I think you need to come clean and tell her you've seen them. Sending him that text someone suggested about having your kids for the weekend was a good idea - after all you don't know if he knows that you know iyswim? As he is the one instigating all of this, I think you need to make it clear to him that you know. If this guy thinks you might leave her and she might come to him with 2 kids in tow he may well run a mile.

Which leaves the problem of your unfaithful wife. You need to ask why. And you need to listen. Then you set some rules because she now has to earn your trust. She must agree to go to counselling with you. And all phones and emails are as open as possible so neither of you can hide anything. Give her access to your phone and emails and make sure you have access to hers.

I also think you need to suggest that she stays with a friend for a while whilst you think this whole thing over. You need to make her aware of how serious this is. This is her last chance. You must tell her that if this happens again, you will leave her.

You obviously love her and don't want a break-up so it's pointless suggesting one, but for a relationship to work there needs to be trust and respect and yours doesn't have either at the moment. This will require a lot of effort from both of you and a lot of counselling. And you must be prepared to actually leave if this ever happens again. You must not allow this to continue.

For her addiction to the ego boost to end, she needs a serious wake up call.

But I would also give John a wake up call. Hence text suggestion. He needs to know that their actions can have consequences he has not considered.
Cat among the pigeons indeed.

And a serious talk with your wife, and tell her this behaviour is such a deal breaker that you are considering ending your marriage and asking her to leave. And let her think. But it must not be just an empty threat. FGS, you have asked her, asked her twice. Now is the time to be serious.
Of course you snooped. She is not to be trusted!

Ilovemyteddy- that other thread is incredibly similar to this one, isn't it? Your memory is amazing .

Have you read/listened to Dan Savage at all? www.thestranger.com/savage. He has a very open take on relationships, sex, sexual needs etc and reading his column archives and/or listening to the podcast might help you reframe things in a way that you can save your relationship - with both of you on board. It sounds like you love her.

Jack you need to take action you know that. You need to decide what action you need to take.

I have a lot of sympathy for you, your dw is out of order. She needs to know you can't tolerate this.

I wish you luck, you do sound like a decent bloke who loves his dw.

One of the reasons I didn't 'punish' her more last time eg: move out and why I am anxious about doing it again is our kids. I would be very loathe to risk breaking up the marriage for their sakes. It we didn't have kids it would be a very different matter...

What is it with people who think that staying in a miserable situation where one partner is cheating on another is preferable to kids than have two happy parents who just don't live together?

I'm on another thread were a poster just recounted how her parents clearly didn't love each other, showed no affection towards each other and were probably only together for the sake of the kids. As a result she says she is emotionally independent and has to work extra hard at relationships because being emotional and affectionate doesn't come naturally to her.

You obviously cannot turn a blind eye to this, you are already distancing yourself from her, so it's not like you can pretend that the marriage is fine. It's not and your kids are not dumb, they'll pick up on that.

I'd far rather my kids see two parents who are happy and who just don't live together anymore than two parents who are distant and miserable but still living in the same house.

Cliff - clearly neither parent at the moment are 'happy' (far from it) and no-one is suggesting that the situation continues as it is.

i think what most people are suggesting is this jack has a full on heart to heart with his wife, so they can try (if they both want to) to rebuild their marriage again into a happy one and change the status quo. hopefully there is a way that their marriage can improve into a happy and content one.

sorry just re-read your post. i thought (on first reading), you were questioning why other posters were recommending they stay together. but reading again, you're directing it at the op. apologies.

Jack, YOU dont leave.

Who says you have to?

You ask HER to leave. She is the unfaithful one, she is ruining the marriage, not you.

Why should you leave?

Its a kind of cheating. It IS cheating. Its not the same as actually having sex, BUT its unfair and hardly 'forsaking' all others.

How you deal with it together is the important part. She either stops and you work through your issues (why isn't sex very good? It can be) or you see it as a step over the line that can't be forgiven and your marriage ends.

Where the line is is up to the individual and the couple, what you do if a line's been crossed is again up to you both.

You told her to stop but you haven't addressed the reasons she gave for WHY she did/is doing it, so what's to stop for? She is being completely unreasonable of course but I don't always think 'leave the bastard/bitch' is the only way, or the best way.

Its not about punishment. Its about sorting out why she's doing it and fixing your relationship if it can be fixed so that she doesn't feel the need to. Her sexting, any affairs is usually a symptom of something else. Not your fault perhaps, even if you never slept with her, you don't deserve this treatment, and she is in the wrong. Its not for you to punish though, but for you to try and figure out why she's doing it and how you can work together to fix things.

Sorry sheep, should have made it clear that I was addressing Jack's last post.

It's not just cheating though is it?
She has betrayed his trust. She has lied again and again and been thoroughly dishonest and deceitful. I wonder if she is considering the marriage and her children as much as Jack is?

If he hadn't discovered the texts, or does nothing about them, what then? It is obvious that this John wants an affair. So far his wife has been unable to resist, so surely it's only a matter of time?

Yet he clearly loves her and wants to make a go of it. If that is the case then they both need counselling and there needs to be some pretty hefty changes because I'm not sure that Jack will ever fully be able to trust his wife again. But at least if they go to counselling and are honest with each other, if a split is inevitable it can be done as amicably as possible and Jack will know that he did everything in his power to save the marriage.