...to treat DW's sexting as infidelity?

[JackMatthias]

First post here so deep breath...

DW and I have been married for over 10 years and have 2 DCs aged 3 and 8. Good marriage IMO except physical side has never been that great for either of us. Anyway, all well until after birth of DC #2:

A few months after DC # 2 was born, her mobile text alert bleeps. She happens to be out of the room, her phone is next to me so I glance at it and see on it quite a flirtatious text from someone whom we'll call 'John'. Curiousity piqued, I grab the phone and see two or three texts back and forth between DW and John which are also flirty. I feel sick and I confront her over this and it turns out that John is an old flame from before my time. I make it clear how hurt and upset I am and she promises she'll not do it again. I feel bad about snooping and make up my mind to trust her. She swears blind that there's nothing in it; as far as she's concerned it's just a bit of harmless fun.

Ok, so I forgive, forget and move on. Until about three months ago - exactly the same thing happens. More traffic between her and John on her phone, this time of a more sexual nature on both their parts, although the impression is that he's largely the one driving it forward. This time I really blow up at her, tell her how angry I am, how betrayed I feel and that I feel I can't trust her. Again, she swears that it is purely a bit of fun, that it;s just an 'outlet', she has her ego massaged by it and she would never dream of cheating on me with this mush. I 'punish' her by sleeping apart from her for several days but gradually forgive her...

But this time I don't forget; I feel I can no longer trust. I don't feel bad about snooping on her phone any more and, guess what, more texts last week between her and John, more explicit, again mainly driven by him although she is hardly fending him off. This time I haven't confronted her, as the last two occasions clearly achieved Sweet FA but really don't know what to do about it. I haven't been able to get to her phone this week but am sure this is continuing, as I'm sure that what I've seen are just the texts she hasn't deleted.

Right now, I feel absolutely devastated, betrayed, very hurt, very angry but also very scared. I want our marriage to work and am willing to consider Relate or something similar (but that would involve me 'fessing up to her that I know about the latest bunch of texts), and I don't want to lose her or our DCs, but I find the whole situation really intolerable. I still love her very much but find it really difficult to be around her right now (she's noticed I'm withdrawn ATM). I'm also really worried that this latest rack of texts I've seen seems to be an escalation and that she will end up having an affair with John. Feel sick constantly and can't sleep ATM.

I feel really conflicted right now. Part of me want to throw her out but I still love her and don't want to do that to our DCs. Part of me wonders whether this is just an escapist fantasy for her and not unfaithfulness from her POV(maybe the female version of blokes looking at porn?) and I should just put up with it (not sure I can though) and play happy families and pretend nothing's happening. Part of me wants to track John down and send him a photo of the DCs asking him what his intentions are to my DW and how I should tell the DCs that, or even go postal on him and beat the bastard up!

So wtf should I do???!!!

I did read the link and am also thinking of ordering the Shirley Glass book.

I got the feeling the dogging ref was a joke rather than serious.

Oh wow Jack, even in jest that is quite beyond the pale. I do hope John made that "joke" and not your wife. :(

Yes he did. She laughed at it though - at my expense. Respect and all that - or not.

Ok, so things have definitely moved on a level since the last time I posted. The initial 3 flirtatious texts is a totally different kettle of fish to over 50, talking about having sex in front of you and fixing you up with another woman. You say that you read all these texts 'with your wifes blessing' Im finding that hard to understand. She must have known the content of these texts and that you would be very hurt at the content so why would she just happily hand the phone over. If she wanted to stay in your relationship wouldn't she have deleted some of these texts, especially the ones were the two of them were basically ridiculing you. Has she actually said she wants to work at the relationship or was she happy for you to see these texts because she thought it would quicken the splitting up process? I hope you get the help you need and quickly as this situation must be now unbearable for you both.

I didn't read them with her blessing. I read them when snooping. The snogging ones were in Round #2, the others in Round #3 (the latest)

Your post said 'with her consent' so I assumed she knew you were reading them.

Jack - I'm sorry that the texts were in that vain. I hope the counselling works for you, I really do.

SimoneD It was the bill I checked with her consent. That just how many texts she sent him (and not how many he sent her I might add); it didn't give the content of those texts. Her call log on her phone however did; at least the most recent ones. It was this latter info I gained by snooping.

OK, well as sheep said I hope you both get the help you need from the counselling. Good luck.

Got the impression when I looked at the bill with her that she hadn't quite appreciated just how out of hand it had gotten.

Again, I think that's her trying to wriggle out of things. She knew very well how "out of hand things had gotten"

We are all in control of what we do and when.

How is she behaving now, Jack?

Most of the time affectionately - lots of hugs, cuddles, etc.

Sorry but flirtatious texting to someone else is bad enough but texting that also portrays you as some submissive POS in the whole scenario is beyond f*cked up. She is either a) Not a nice person or b)Has got some serious psychological problems or c) Both. Sorry Jack I know it's your wife but if I had discovered that, married or not, kids or not, she'd be out.

I think it is b, FWIW

You need to decide what you want to do. As you said earlier on there is a risk you'll lose her and the children and probably your home but she can't expect to do this sort of thing unless you are happy with it and she would be happy with your doing the same sort of thing.

You said sex was never good between you even before the children. That's something surely you can both work on although you probably don't want to go near her at present. It sounds like the sexts have not led to any real sex and she has said she wants an outlet. So how can we make sure yuou are her outlet? How often do you send her really arousing texts and materials? I bet there's a heap of things you and she could do to ensure John becomes a distant memory because Jack is so much better. Most of all you need to talk to her.

We are talking but I don't feel much like sexting her ATM! (a) It's a bit obvious and (b) I just don't feel like it - too soon after the event.