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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to ask DP to do the night feed while I'm expressing?

284 replies

MixedBerries · 08/12/2011 10:08

DS is nearly 8 weeks old and usually sleeps from 10 until 3 or 4 when he wakes up for a feed. He then goes back to sleep until 7 or 7.30 when we all get up. Due to complications with tongue tie, DS still finds it hard to feed on the boob (it takes a v v v looong time) so his last feed at night and his night feed are EBM in a bottle. This is where the problem lies...

I have to get up in the night at least once to express milk. For the last week I have cut it down to just before I sleep at 10 and then expressing at 3 or 4 while DP is feeding DS by bottle. This was working fine but today DP has said he 'll have to stop doing the night feed as he's too knackered at work.

Now then, I'm a SAHM for now and DP does have a physically demanding job and is self employed. So is it unreasonable to ask him to be up for 30 minutes in the night? He doesn't prepare the bottle. I go downstairs to warm it and bring it up for him then go back down to do my boobs.

Also, what pisses me off most, is that I go to bed at 10 when DS does. DP stays up until about midnight. I pointed out he may be less knackered at work if he went to bed earlier but he said if he does, he doesn't have a life. Like mine is so exciting sat on the sofa with a baby hanging off my boob all day!

If DP does stop doing the night feed, I'll be up doing the feed and then expressing, which will be well over an hour after which I find it impossible to get back to sleep. And I can't nap in the day as DS only naps in 15 minute stints.

AIBU? Any other solutions?

OP posts:
KD0706 · 08/12/2011 10:14

I wonder whether maybe if you repost in breast and bottle feeding you can get some practical advice on the expressing and BFing. I'm no expert but my initial inclination is that it will be bad for your supply for you to be expressing rather than feeding overnight. And presumably easier for everybody if you can manage to feed directly overnight rather than faffing with expressing.

But I don't think YABU to ask DH to help out overnight. Maybe offer him one night on one night off as a compromise.

I have been there, having to express for a prem baby who needed woken every three hours so you have my sympathy.

Original poster
MixedBerries · 08/12/2011 10:29

Thanks KD. I should add, we ARE seeing a BF consultant to try to sort out the feeding. So I hope the expressing is not a long term thing, but because of DS weight issues, we had a choice of either topping up with formula or topping up with EBM. We agreed on EBM. At the moment we just cannot get enough milk into him by boob alone. And doing a BF at night takes about 2 or 3 hours.

OP posts:
metalelephant · 08/12/2011 10:38

Hi MixedBerries, I think YANBU, as half an hour for him saves two or three for you so it's the least he could do. Try to explain to him that your baby benefits greatly from getting your breastmilk but you also need to get some sleep as you're equally sleepless. Is he aware how much effort and stress you've been under to make this work?

I remember your post in my breastfeeding thread, that you've been finding it very hard.

Remind him it's hopefully temporary and that if you do need to switch to formula he'll then have to share the bottle feeds far more. Whereas with his help you'll be able to ditch the night bottles soon. Good luck.

TheSecondComing · 08/12/2011 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 08/12/2011 10:51

I'm with TSC on this

He has a physically demanding job during the day

I believe he should help out when he comes home, but not during the nights when he has work the next day.

It's no fun for you to have to get out of bed for over an hour, but it won't be forever and you do have the chance to relax during the day.

MyRealName · 08/12/2011 10:51

YANBU at all. You are having a tough time, he should help you, especially since the situation is temporary. He doesn't have a life? Bit dramatic isn't he! A couple of hours of late night tv isn't life. Supporting your DP in caring for your precious newborn however...

I wish you the best of luck with your DS. Eight weeks is so young, you will work everything out together in good time I'm sure.

TwoPlates · 08/12/2011 10:54

I agree with TheSecondComing. Sorry.

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 10:56

YANBU

I am working full time and still have to get up twice a night on average to BF my DD, so if your genders were reversed he would have no choice. So my point is that you both decide to have the baby and you both have to make sacrifices....

I would like to stay up late playing poker but I have to get to bed on time or face the consequences of being utterly knackered the next day.

Sounds like the perfect solution would be a pump that emptied straight into an upturned bottle so your DC could be drinking as you pump....

Do those exist?

Also the 15 mins of nap is hopefully something that you can help your DS to extend...do you swaddle? It sounds like he is waking up instead of making it to deep sleep. So check out the sleep boards as well as the BF boards.

Grumpla · 08/12/2011 10:58

YANBU. I expressed for DS and that's exactly what we used to do - DH would bottle & change him, I would get up at the same time and pump. DH would usually be out of bed for 20 mins max and asleep within half an hour, I would be up for about an hour and a quarter. The nights when Sh was away working I would be up for about 1hr 45 and it was then absolutely impossible for me to get back to sleep. That 3/4am feed was the most significant in terms of milk production so if I tried to cut it short I would then be frantically trying to fit in extra sessions on the pump the next day to get enough EBM.

I would say that option A is DH goes to bed earlier and sees how that works out. Option B would be introducing one FF in 24 to compensate from the reduction in your supply if you miss / curtail your night sessions. But that would still be really tough on you.

I am a firm believer that staying at home with a baby is WAY harder than working (thats why I'm not a SAHM!) and my DH agrees.

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 10:59

Presumably the people who are saying YABU think that looking after a baby that naps for only 15 min chunks is somehow not a demanding day job?

Its easier to deal with work when you are a bit dozy than with a screaming baby!

buttonmoon78 · 08/12/2011 11:00

My ds (20wks) is ff and up twice a night. DH drives a lot for his work and does a physically demanding job. He is often away at night too.

But, I only ever ask him to do a night feed if he is not driving/working the next day.

I don't mean to score points, but I also work pt and have 3 other children. Yes, I'm absolutely on my knees some days (I nearly fell asleep in a piano lesson last night!) but that's what it's like having a small baby. It is a stage and will pass.

And I also sympathise with your bf problems - it never came easily to me either.

But (and I say this from sitting in more or less the same place) you do have to suck it up I'm afraid.

Grumpla · 08/12/2011 11:01

There is a big difference also between BFing in the night (snuggly, warm, quiet, can possibly be done whilst lying down and still in bed) and getting up and hooking yourself into a milking machine! Noisy, uncomfortable, you have to sit bolt upright / lean forward slightly (I did anyway) and you get cold. Wakes you up way more.

buttonmoon78 · 08/12/2011 11:02

Oh, but I also think on he should be getting more sleep if he's knackered. Silly man.

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 08/12/2011 11:06

At 8 weeks I think you are doing really well to be up once a night, I am still in that position with d2 at 6 months.

I generally do the night feeds, dh stays up later than me and does a last feed around 11 I get up and do one when she wakes up, usually around 4.

Can you do night feed then DH get up with DS in the morning to give you another half hour or so?

Original poster
MixedBerries · 08/12/2011 11:08

Hmmm. TSC. Are you joking? Sit around in my PJs watching TV all day if I want?

I do think we are very very lucky to have a good sleeper and neither of us are completely sleep deprived. If sleep is the issue, he should go to bed earlier and get those extra 2 hours IMHO.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 08/12/2011 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MixedBerries · 08/12/2011 11:11

What I mean is TSC, is that it's not a case of "if I can't sleep then nobody can". I agree that would be unfair. There's no point having two knackered people instead of one. BUT he easily has the option of getting 2 extra hours a night by coming to bed with me at 10 instead of staying up.

OP posts:
buttonmoon78 · 08/12/2011 11:13

Well, perhaps that's the answer then? Ask him to go to bed earlier?

FWIW, my DH often gets in between 7&8.30 but still goes to bed at 10 most nights. He has no life, true, but he's well rested at least with no life Wink

101North · 08/12/2011 11:13

I've been in this situation (ds with tongue-tie) and was wholeheartedly definitely certain that my DP get as much sleep in the night as he could, like thesecondcoming says.
My day ran at an all together slower pace to his, I could (and can now) stay in my pj's, lounge around typing onehanded on mumsnet and that Wink.
I know what its like to have to do a pressurised job when sleep-deprived, its mental and 'duh, babybrain' is not an excuse for a working man.

I also don't see the point in both parents being up in the night when it only takes one to see to the baby,
On the other hand.....
I completely sympathise with your feeling stressed out at his unwillingness to take part of the load off your shoulders.
Practically speaking, why not just get into it? those wee hours with your baby are ones that build the bond between you. These times are special and much much sweeter than stupid old sleep. hth.

buttonmoon78 · 08/12/2011 11:16

Second I would agree with you if the baby was being bf, but it's not - OP is having to express. So it's not a quick 20min snuggle.

I still wouldn't be asking if I was doing that with everything else going on in my life, but it sounds as if there is room for maneouvre in that OP's dh could go to bed earlier. If they agree to that compromise and it's still not working out in say a fortnight then they could revisit it.

MoTeaVate · 08/12/2011 11:16

Is there any way you can set everything up so you don't have to go downstairs? Breastmilk can be kept at room temp for 6hrs if fresh. If it's been in the fridge or frozen then obviously you need to take that into account and reduce the time according to how long it's been stored for already. Could you store it in the bedroom (if necessary in a cool bag with freezer packs or in a small 'beer' fridge)? What about pumping upstairs? Some people keep their pump plasticky bits in a clean reasealable bag between expressing and change the bag each time, then wash and sterilise less frequently (remember, breastmilk is fine at room temp for 6hrs Smile).

How about if your DH helped some nights, but not all? Could he sleep in another bed 1 night a week so he gets a whole nights sleep uninterrupted to refresh himself? Could he go to bed earlier than you? If he really can't cope with helping in the middle of the night, could he take the baby first thing for an hour or two so you get some uninterrupted rest right before he leaves for work? Some blokes function fine at 6am, especially if they've been sleeping solidly since 11pm.

What is a 'breastfeeding consultant'? Have you checked they are qualified? LLL, ABM, BfN and NCT are the organisations to go for, or a certified lactation consultant. The people from the voluntary organisations are excellent and will help you for free Smile.

I agree with some of the other things that have been said. This is a phase and will pass, for both of you. Also, bear in mind the baby phase is not the only time you two will have to deal with night waking. There will be times when children are ill or toddlers are up for various reasons. Will he expect you to do all of this? Would you be happy with that? Your answer might or might not be different depending on whether you'll be working by then. It's good to talk about these things openly so neither of you ends up resentful. You're only 8 weeks in. Parenting is a v long journey, but the beginning can be shocking, tiring and overwhelming for you both. Try to be kind to each other if you can and to do things for each other to help you both cope. It sounds like you've had a v tough start to feeding and that can be v stressful. It won't always be this way Smile.

TwoPlates · 08/12/2011 11:17

Not everybody can sleep at 10, he wants to unwind, to watch tv, watch the news, surf the net, he cannot do that during the day but you can.

TheSecondComing · 08/12/2011 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buttonmoon78 · 08/12/2011 11:19

They can if they're that knackered twoplates! (insomniacs notwithstanding)

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 11:21

hmm seems to be some sexism going on here...

its not okay for a working father to have baby brain? But it is okay for a working mum? Or are you saying that us working mums who are up several times a night to BF.....erm what are you saying about that?