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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to ask DP to do the night feed while I'm expressing?

284 replies

MixedBerries · 08/12/2011 10:08

DS is nearly 8 weeks old and usually sleeps from 10 until 3 or 4 when he wakes up for a feed. He then goes back to sleep until 7 or 7.30 when we all get up. Due to complications with tongue tie, DS still finds it hard to feed on the boob (it takes a v v v looong time) so his last feed at night and his night feed are EBM in a bottle. This is where the problem lies...

I have to get up in the night at least once to express milk. For the last week I have cut it down to just before I sleep at 10 and then expressing at 3 or 4 while DP is feeding DS by bottle. This was working fine but today DP has said he 'll have to stop doing the night feed as he's too knackered at work.

Now then, I'm a SAHM for now and DP does have a physically demanding job and is self employed. So is it unreasonable to ask him to be up for 30 minutes in the night? He doesn't prepare the bottle. I go downstairs to warm it and bring it up for him then go back down to do my boobs.

Also, what pisses me off most, is that I go to bed at 10 when DS does. DP stays up until about midnight. I pointed out he may be less knackered at work if he went to bed earlier but he said if he does, he doesn't have a life. Like mine is so exciting sat on the sofa with a baby hanging off my boob all day!

If DP does stop doing the night feed, I'll be up doing the feed and then expressing, which will be well over an hour after which I find it impossible to get back to sleep. And I can't nap in the day as DS only naps in 15 minute stints.

AIBU? Any other solutions?

OP posts:
entropyglitter · 09/12/2011 12:37

I just thought you would like to know that your statement was factually incorrect. I have no intention of derailing the whole thread over it.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 09/12/2011 12:37

But the whole BF/expressing is a separate issue.

This is about her DH saying being up for 30 minutes in the night to feed his baby is too much and making him tired. When he chooses to go to bed at midnight, not at 10pm as his wife and child do.

Even if she used formula, he would still be moaning about being asked to be up for half an hour!

SardineQueen · 09/12/2011 12:37

"demostrating 'support'"

He's not "demonstrating support" he is actually providing support by feeding the baby while the OP expresses.

TheSecondComing · 09/12/2011 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluddyMoFo · 09/12/2011 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SardineQueen · 09/12/2011 12:41

"The thing about letting DH get a good night's sleep also means he has the energy to do things like cook, clean, do the washing and generally help the mum in every other way possible"

We have no idea whether OPs DH does any of those things though, or what he gets up to at the weekend.

He may be doing loads, he may be doing sod all.

On the face of it I really think that him getting up for 1/2 to feed baby is not the end of the world - if he is going to bed at midnight and doing a manual job then TBH he sounds like someone who doesn't need huge amounts of sleep - and I'm sure he'll be fine.

entropyglitter · 09/12/2011 12:41

I didnt push anything on the OP although you just did. Thats WHY I didnt post to the thread. I didnt want to upset someone in difficulty....way to go.

SardineQueen · 09/12/2011 12:41

Puffin I think the idea is switch to formula and then OP does all the night feeds. Not that he should do any.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 09/12/2011 12:43

You don't deserve abusive PMs - no-one does.

But you are being cocks to the OP.

Instead of addressing the fact that her DH is unwilling to be up with his child for 30 minutes because it makes him tired but apparently needs to stay up until midnight, you've attacked her feeding choices and her personally.

Original poster
MixedBerries · 09/12/2011 12:44

Wow. Don't have time to write much but thanks for all the input. btw, the night time expressing isn't for fun or even just to feed ds. I have to express at least once in the night to keep my supply going. If I could just ff at night then i would. And it was a joint decision to bf for as long as poss. i don't think that's martyrdom, it's trying to do the best for ds as long as it's reasonable. i find the current situation reasonable if rather difficult and frustrating. i don't find it unreasonable to ask dp to go to bed a little earlier to make the plan that we both decided on work a little smoother.

OP posts:
MildlyNarkyPuffin · 09/12/2011 12:45

I know SardineQueen, my point is was to try to return this to the issue of the one night feed he is being asked to do rather than just attacking the OP over how she feeds her child.

entropyglitter · 09/12/2011 12:47

MNP As far as I know noone has attacked the op over feeding...except to say she should consider giving up BF (which I wouldnt class as an attack).

Original poster
MixedBerries · 09/12/2011 12:48

Indeed Mildlynarkypuffin. That is in essence what I was posting about.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 09/12/2011 12:49

I agree with your 12.43 post there puffin.

Switching to formula will not mean that the OP gets more help, she will still have to do it all herself.

Around here two people made the baby and in the early weeks we muddle through as best we can with an eye on each others tiredness and sanity levels.

On here it would seem that babies belong to their mothers and the whole thing is a terrible inconvenience to the man who happens to live in the house with them and is terribly important and must not have his life disrupted in any way at all otherwise the world will end.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 09/12/2011 12:49

I am quite shocked at the 1950s attitude that it's somehow unreasonable to expect the baby's father to do a night feed.

entropyglitter · 09/12/2011 12:51

hmm I said something like that around this time yesterday.....I got taken down for it....I think people dont like me too much Xmas Wink

SardineQueen · 09/12/2011 12:52

So the baby should switch from breastmilk to formula because the dad shouldn't have to go to bed before midnight if he doesn't feel like it?

Really?

Apart from the general bonkersness of that idea, it assumes that the DH will be happy to switch to formula (quite aside from the mother). What if he isn't? Many men want their children to be BF, having read the literature and been to the antenatal classes and all the rest of it. Again it assumes that the baby is entirely down to the mother and the man has basically bugger all to do with it. And that's ludicrous.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 09/12/2011 12:53

I hope he listens to you MixedBerries. An eight week old means everyone has to make sacrifices, and asking him to go to bed earlier so he can do one feed in the night seems reasonable to me.

Good luck with your feeding and I hope things get easier for you all.

entropyglitter · 09/12/2011 12:54

SQ well needless to say I am in the same camp as you regarding BF and I totally agree that it has no bearing whatsoever on the discussion in hand.

SardineQueen · 09/12/2011 12:58

Oh sorry mixedberries only just saw your last posts.

Well I think YANBU and hope that you and your DH can come to a solution which is acceptable to you both Smile

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 09/12/2011 12:58

Sardine, Puffin my arguments are just about being practical. In most cases it doesn't take 2 people to feed a baby in the night (obviously going slightly off topic here)

DH used to get home from work then cook, clean, prepare my lunch for the following day, and bath the baby. And function all day at work in order to earn money for the family! In return I fed the baby. I don't think that is exactly what happened in the 1950s.

OP, I am no expert in tongue ties but I have BF for a long time- are you sure you need to express at night to keep your supply?? In my experience your body will adjust to the baby's demands- if you cut down to just BF during the day then your body will adjust to that without affecting your daytime supply. That has been my experience anyway. Perhaps speak to a BF counsellor?

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 09/12/2011 12:58

Sardine, Puffin my arguments are just about being practical. In most cases it doesn't take 2 people to feed a baby in the night (obviously going slightly off topic here)

DH used to get home from work then cook, clean, prepare my lunch for the following day, and bath the baby. And function all day at work in order to earn money for the family! In return I fed the baby. I don't think that is exactly what happened in the 1950s.

OP, I am no expert in tongue ties but I have BF for a long time- are you sure you need to express at night to keep your supply?? In my experience your body will adjust to the baby's demands- if you cut down to just BF during the day then your body will adjust to that without affecting your daytime supply. That has been my experience anyway. Perhaps speak to a BF counsellor?

Original poster
MixedBerries · 09/12/2011 13:03

Hi, yes we've been seeing the lactation specialist at the hospital. As ds isn't draining milk effectively during the day at this point, i do have to express at night and usually after feeds in the day. once he has the hang of bf, we do away with the expressing faff and the current issue ~(about which i posted) will go away.

OP posts:
entropyglitter · 09/12/2011 13:05

mixed I think you may be due a level up on the feeding front - we had one around this time....I will have my fingers crossed for you!

NinkyNonker · 09/12/2011 13:07

It is well known that not stimulating the breasts (Oooh err missus) at night can very much affect supply, the OP is absolutely doing the right thing to maintain BF long term.