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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

....to ask DP to do the night feed while I'm expressing?

284 replies

MixedBerries · 08/12/2011 10:08

DS is nearly 8 weeks old and usually sleeps from 10 until 3 or 4 when he wakes up for a feed. He then goes back to sleep until 7 or 7.30 when we all get up. Due to complications with tongue tie, DS still finds it hard to feed on the boob (it takes a v v v looong time) so his last feed at night and his night feed are EBM in a bottle. This is where the problem lies...

I have to get up in the night at least once to express milk. For the last week I have cut it down to just before I sleep at 10 and then expressing at 3 or 4 while DP is feeding DS by bottle. This was working fine but today DP has said he 'll have to stop doing the night feed as he's too knackered at work.

Now then, I'm a SAHM for now and DP does have a physically demanding job and is self employed. So is it unreasonable to ask him to be up for 30 minutes in the night? He doesn't prepare the bottle. I go downstairs to warm it and bring it up for him then go back down to do my boobs.

Also, what pisses me off most, is that I go to bed at 10 when DS does. DP stays up until about midnight. I pointed out he may be less knackered at work if he went to bed earlier but he said if he does, he doesn't have a life. Like mine is so exciting sat on the sofa with a baby hanging off my boob all day!

If DP does stop doing the night feed, I'll be up doing the feed and then expressing, which will be well over an hour after which I find it impossible to get back to sleep. And I can't nap in the day as DS only naps in 15 minute stints.

AIBU? Any other solutions?

OP posts:

MainlyMaynie · 08/12/2011 16:11

Is there a reason why you can't express cosily in bed and then feed that to the baby straight away? Seems like much less hassle and should be quicker.

TBH I think you both have the opportunity to get quite a lot of sleep for having an 8 week old! If you both can't cope with the one night feed, could you take it in turns?

And why can't you just watch TV in your pyjamas during the day? It's a major benefit of having a baby!

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 16:13

vallium it comes across as disbelief and amazement because you are directly questioning what was written in the OP.

Why would she say 'only naps in 15 minute stints' if she didnt mean it?

Deliaskis · 08/12/2011 16:14

FWIW I get more 'rest' (obviously not actual sleep, but then neither does the OP, by all accounts) at my desk at work than I ever did at home with DD at a few weeks old. I can make a cup tea, have a lunch break (during which I can sit in my car with the seat reclined and shut my eyes if I really want), go to the loo, just have a 5 minute break to switch off when I need to. I know this isn't the case with all jobs, but for me life at work is certainly less demanding than life at home.

People who said 'sleep when baby sleeps' made me feel faintly homicidal too. Those who assume that everybody's experience with a newborn is all jamas, cuddles, cups of tea, duvets and mn, are obviously having a very different time of it to what I experienced.

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 16:14

That's how you read it entro.

MoTeaVate · 08/12/2011 16:14

Valiumredhead babies with this sort of feeding difficulty are reknowned for not sleeping all day. Usually the mum can barely put them down, especially if the only times she can do that she is instead changing a nappy, expressing or preparing the breast pump etc. If breastfeeding is v v difficult then feeding lying down is out of the question often. All this means no rest or 'time off' at all during the day.

She is doing a physically and mentally demanding job. That does not mean that her DH is not as well.

diddl · 08/12/2011 16:17

"Are you suggesting she sleep while the baby is awake?"

Yes, if possible-as long as baby is safe, obviously.

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 16:18

Nowhere have I said the OP is not doing a physically and mentally demanding job - I remember those early days well.

TeddyBare · 08/12/2011 16:19

YANBU. If dh went to bed a bit earlier then he could feed your dc in the night and still not be over tired the next day. Obvious solution! His wanting to stay up and watch tv or use the internet until midnight, like a teenager with no responsibilities, does not take precedence over looking after his dc. Parenting is difficult, and ?but I want my wife to do all of the parenting so that I can carry on doing what I like? is not an excuse for not putting you and your dc first.

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 16:19

Okay my turn to be astonished....don't 8 week old babies left by themselves just cry non-stop? Can they really entertain themselves?

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 16:20

vallium so the extra itallics on the 'all' of all day and the extra 'really?' at the end werent mean to convey disbelief at all? really?

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 16:21

entro why would you assume ALL babies would cry non stop? Why would you assume they couldn't entertain themselves? I am joking btw!

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 16:21

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 16:22

Vallium I am just grouchy coz I feel we normally agree....

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 16:24

entro I asked a question. You read it as disbelief. I posted it as " Blimey, never heard of a baby not sleeping at all during the day, that must be bloody hard work." That's the problem with words on a screen - they can mean different things to different people. I do not disbelieve the OP.

sweetsantababy · 08/12/2011 16:25

I have only read OP's orginal post.

Can DS have his toungue tie snipped?

No I don't think you ABU as DH stays up til midnight. I would think YABU if he went to bed at say 10 and was still knackered at work.

I am a bit concerned that you are going to see your milk supply wain because you are not feeding DS over night which also may be easier for all concerned as you can do it lying down and sleeping/dosing.

diddl · 08/12/2011 16:25

Well, I´m sure some do & some don´t.

That´s why I put if possible.

I know with mine I didn´t have to be entertaining/carrying them about constantly between feeds at that age-they could be put down.

But, neither of mine had tongue tie either so that could be why OPs sleeps so little/can´t be put down.

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 16:26

Xposted entro

good job I just deleted a load of stuff about going to pick on someone else as I am not in the mood for it today

101North · 08/12/2011 16:26

8 weeks isn't exactly brand new. they got stuff going on, people to see, fingers to suck. My sweet ds2 didn't sleep more than an hour (including nights) til he was 3 or so but I would lay him by the window and he would watch the curtains while i dozed.
I then discovered the power nap and could get a good rest in about 7 minutes, i kid you not.

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 16:26

Oh ffs - I can't even sort out my strike outs today! That was an attempt at humour!

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 16:27

Oh power naps are fab, I agree!

101North · 08/12/2011 16:29

valiumredhead needs a nap

MoTeaVate · 08/12/2011 16:30

Sorry, I misunderstood what you meant. You said you agreed shortly after TSC's v unsupportive post at 1534.

The thing about AIBU is that it encourages conflict. What the OP and her partner need to do is work together. Telling each other they are being unreasonable may not be the best way to do that. Trying to find out and understand each other's points of view may offer them opportunities to change what each of them is doing in small ways that help the other . e.g. if DH really values time alone after OP is in bed then maybe he can wash, sterilise and set up her pump for her and take it up to bed with him when he goes along with a bottle of water for her to drink and snack for her ready for when she awakes? That act of kindness might help her feel more supported even if he sleeps. OP could thank her DH for all his support in bf so far and explain that she couldn't have done it without him and having someone else up alongside her in the night makes her feel he is demonstrating he cares and that even though she has to do all the tough bfs herself, he will do what he can. She can empathise with his exhaustion and ask what life is like for him at the moment. Is he greeted when he returns home exhausted with a screeching at the end of her tether wife who thrusts a fractious newborn into his arms? He might feel more willing to still get up and do the feed some nights (if not all) if he understands why it is valuable. Or not. Maybe he's thinking "she's up anyway, no point in 2 of us being awake"? Maybe he has no idea what the days feel like to her? Unless they actually talk to each other honestly and kindly they won't find out how they can work together to make things better.

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 16:31

I do need a nap. I am actually sitting here trying not to throw up as am feeling decidedly dodgy - blerk!

OP - do you spend all day in your jamas and watch crap telly? I need to know before I pass judgement offer advice.

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 16:35

North I have not the words to describe how much I admire you for surviving 3 years of only an hour off at a time....it is the stuff of nightmares!

Although I suppose if your DS2 was able to go from sleep to curtain gazing without your interference then it might have been survivable...

my DD is pretty good at the sleeping lark (sometimes even links cycles during the day) but CANNOT be left to her own devices for more than about 10 mins before shrieking the walls down when awake. It is odd because once you are there she pretty much ignores you....

Anyway to get back to the OP I agree with teddy. Its fair enough to beg the sleep because you have no time otherwise but to demand it because you want a coupla hours of downtime surfing for porn is damned Unreasonable.

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 16:35

motea I did agree in essence with TSC and I didn't read her post as being unsupportive but you obviously did.

That's the trouble with words on a screen.

Anyway OP, I hope you do manage to sort something out with dh so you are both happier with the situation :)

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