....to ask DP to do the night feed while I'm expressing?

[MixedBerries]

DS is nearly 8 weeks old and usually sleeps from 10 until 3 or 4 when he wakes up for a feed. He then goes back to sleep until 7 or 7.30 when we all get up. Due to complications with tongue tie, DS still finds it hard to feed on the boob (it takes a v v v looong time) so his last feed at night and his night feed are EBM in a bottle. This is where the problem lies...

I have to get up in the night at least once to express milk. For the last week I have cut it down to just before I sleep at 10 and then expressing at 3 or 4 while DP is feeding DS by bottle. This was working fine but today DP has said he 'll have to stop doing the night feed as he's too knackered at work.

Now then, I'm a SAHM for now and DP does have a physically demanding job and is self employed. So is it unreasonable to ask him to be up for 30 minutes in the night? He doesn't prepare the bottle. I go downstairs to warm it and bring it up for him then go back down to do my boobs.

Also, what pisses me off most, is that I go to bed at 10 when DS does. DP stays up until about midnight. I pointed out he may be less knackered at work if he went to bed earlier but he said if he does, he doesn't have a life. Like mine is so exciting sat on the sofa with a baby hanging off my boob all day!

If DP does stop doing the night feed, I'll be up doing the feed and then expressing, which will be well over an hour after which I find it impossible to get back to sleep. And I can't nap in the day as DS only naps in 15 minute stints.

AIBU? Any other solutions?

MixedBerries - another thought, has your DP looked at it from the point of view of having really special bonding time? That quiet sleepy night feed is so special, and when you're EBF he won't get the chance. I know DH really missed (and still does regret not having had) the opportunity to some feeds with DD2, who wouldn't have anything in her mouth except boob, after being able to do some late and night feeds with DD1.

MixedBerries - I have read the whole thread. Nodding at most of the posts . I can see both sides. However, fwiw, I think that while you are having to express at night as well as feed DS, DH needs to pull his weight.

He needs to understand that he is an equal parent and sometimes parenting sucks is demanding. He has the choice each night of going to bed earlier and getting some sleep or chillling out. He can vary what he chooses - but it is his choice, you have already made that choice (to go to bed at a decent hour and get what sleep you can).

I understand that he may find it hard to go to bed & sleep earlier, but I also understand that if you have to feed DS & express you have been awake so long you find it hard to sleep.

Have you considered co-sleeping and allowing DS to feed while you doze?

Good luck with getting DS's tongue tie & the BF sorted out soon so you can stop expressing!

And when my DH is working (he does continentals) he doesnt have "down time", he works and sleeps. Thats it.
During those day/nights, I dont get "down time" either, so why should he?

Diddle - if you read the OP's posts you will see why she has to both express & feed in the night :)

I know why.

I´m wondering why she can´t feed her baby the ebm & then express, without her husband being involved.

Why should the op do it all diddl? Fucking hell half an hour in the night is not asking too much of the poor tired little man especially when he has the choice to go to bed earlier if he wants.

diddl - depends how long it takes to express I suppose. If it takes an hour, then the OP would have been up for about 2 hours in total after all the expressing faffing, which is pretty harsh if that could be halved, especially if its then hard to get back to sleep again.

In fact, I've just remembered having to do this (express) in the middle of the night for some reason (can't remember why - maybe trying desperately to get DD2 to take a bottle), and DH got up, got me all the stuff, I expressed and gave it all back to him to sort out. Just because I have boobs doesn't mean it all had to be down to me.

Fwiw I dint agree that it's ok for op to be exhausted as she's only looking after a baby. What if she is so tired she falls asleep and rolls on the baby? Or like I did when I was breatfeedi g and doze off and almost drop the baby? Or again like me end up with pnd cos she's exhausted and she has no respite. Working outside the home is not more important than looking after a baby! These first few weeks should be a shared responsibility.

Diddle - she said that the extra half an hour or so being up just pushes her past the point where she can't get back to sleep. I think it would be a good move to see if she can pump and feed at the same time though - but I'm not sure everyone can manage that.

Well most breastfeeding women do it all themselves-that´s generally what goes with choosing to bfeed-nights as well.

I think it also depends on how much chance the OP gets to rest in the day-which I assume for the husband doesn´t happen.

It's a different situation because we're bottle feeding, but for what it's worth here's what we're doing. DH works Mon-Fri and I am at home with baby. We're both of the opinion that BOTH of us need sleep in order to do our jobs-whether that's working at the office or looking after DD. So we each do two nights 'on', followed by two nights 'off' so the person 'off' can get two nights uninterrupted sleep. We tried one on one off but found it wasn't enough to catch up on sleep, so two it is. Obviously you can't do the same because you're breastfeeding (and I'd love to be so please don't take that as negative) but that's the attitude my DH takes in our situation and I think it's very reasonable. After all both of our jobs are important. If he falls asleep at work he'd be fired and if I fell asleep with DD (in the wrong circumstances) she could be hurt in some way. (I'd add that until this week-yey!-she hasn't slept during the day apart from in the sling. If I'd managed to get her to sleep in her basket during the day I might feel differently as I'd be able to sleep when she does. She's now starting to sleep a lot longer at night too so hopefully we won't have to do this much longer and can go back to sharing a bed!)

My sympathies OP, but I think finding a solution other than your DP waking up in the middle of the night might work better. Perhaps if you go to bed at 9 and let DP do the last bottle feed and put baby to bed? If he complains tell him that's the deal if he wants uninterrupted sleep. If you can't go back to sleep after the 4 M expressing and feed at least you get some quiet time to yourself to prepare for the day.

FWIW I understand the exhaustion of being a sole carer most of the time despite having a DP around. DS is 6 months old and still feeds 2 hourly day and night. My DP works ridiculous hours in a job where there is no room for mistakes so it was always the deal that his sleep should be protected (my decision). My way of coping is for DP to take DS in the evenings if he is home and I go to bed early, bringing him only for feeds and likewise in the morning on weekends. This gives them a good opportunity to bond too without me fussing over my PFB.

He is BU to expect to have "a life" with a newborn baby. Surely the early weeks are just about getting through? He should go to bed earlier so that he can help with the feeding. Perhaps not every night but maybe a couple of times a week so that you can sleep through. Resting in the day is not the same as getting proper sleep at night.

He is not BU to say that he needs to get sleep to be able to do his job properly, but surely tiredness for both parents is par for the course with an 8 week old baby? He can solve his tiredness problem by going to bed earlier.

diddl- if I were just breastfeeding, there wouldn't be any issue at all. Most breastfeeders aren't doing what I am.

No I know, I´m not getting at you-just trying to explain myself to those who seem to think that I´m completely mad for daring to suggest that you do both if at all possible.

I do think it's a bit unrealistic at 8wo for the WOH parent to expect not to be inconvenienced by the baby, because they WOH. I also think it's a bit U for the WOH parent to prioritise a couple of hours of late evening TV over getting more sleep and being able to support the SAH parent. The OP has particularly difficult circs with regards to feeding, and it's reasonable to expect the partner to support that, even if it means he 'has no life' for a bit. Who did have a life at that early stage? We're actually not talking about him being able to do his job properly, we're talking about him going to bed at 10pm and missing a bit of TV.

FWIW, I found it in many ways a relief to go back to work at 6 months, as the balance between me and DH was restored. We had equal responsibility for the night feeds, interrupted sleep, nursery drop offs/pick ups etc. and just being parents, suddenly our equilibrium was restored, we felt like more of a team/partnership again. I obviously miss DD like crazy but had to go back for financial reasons, and it has done a world of good to mine & DH's relationship, as the resentment and assumption has gone.

OP, this situation won't last forever, once you get your feeding issues sorted (one way or another, whatever happens) you might be able to drop the 3-4am feed in a month or two, and then just do a late feed before you go to bed. 16 weeks feels a lot different to 8 weeks, and you're half way there!

D

Diddl - having been in the exact shoes of the OP, I can assure you that the difference between what she is needing to do and 'just' breastfeeding is huge.

OP I wouldn't pump downstairs, do it in your bed where you can stay warm and cosy. The milk will be fine for a few hours until you get up in the morning and can put it in the fridge. Then you can be looking at your baby while you pump which will increase your letdown, so it will all be done much quicker and you can go back to sleep.

Mixedberries -you know, I just wanted to say what an amazing job you're doing for your baby . I'm just guessing that perhaps you might be near the end of your tether with all this faffing around and you would probably give your right arm to be able to do sleepy lying down feeds at night, or to incinerate your breastpump and just breastfeed instead of expressing, or to be able to have tonnes of milk in the freezer so you don't have to worry about expressing in the middle of the night and every time your baby would be feeding, in addition to quite possibly after feeds as well. I'm also just guessing that perhaps your daytimes aren't as straightforward as kicking around in PJs with a sleepy baby who wakes every now and then for a feed. In the sort of situation you're in, mums often say they struggle to find time to do anything at all between feeds during the day, because feeds are often difficult, seemingly endless and sometimes painful too. You may well be alone stuck at home all day coping with all of this, and I expect your house is a tip too. I don't say any of this to make you feel worse, just to let you know that some of us do understand something of what it is like to cope with these sort of feeding difficulties. YANBU to want it all to get better, to wish your baby would breastfeed in a simple way like other people's sometimes seem to, to scream "it's not fair" or to want to get out of the house and do something different like perhaps it seems like DH does by going to work? You are also NBU to need lots of, or even more support than you are getting. Are there others you can turn to as well as DH?

Equally, how things are now is almost certainly not what your DH imagined either. No-one can imagine what baby-interrupted sleep is really like before they experience it. Dads have the disadvantage of none of the hormones to make them sleepy at night, and unlike bf mums, their sleep cycles won't be in sync with the baby's so waking up may be v difficult if baby wakes when they are in a v deep sleep. Maybe something happened at work that made him worried about tiredness? Perhaps he nearly had an accident, or a client chastised him for not being on the ball. Who knows? I wonder what sources of support your DH is able to call on?

It sounds like you and DH are using all your energies just surviving with your baby at the moment. Do you have anyone who can "mother" you two as well?

The thing is, just because things are hard for one person, does not mean they aren't also hard for another, even if in a different way. You've only been at it 8 weeks (a lifetime in terms of bf problems, I know!), but these are likely to be some of the hardest in your whole parenting career, for both of you.

I think YANBU. DH always woke when I did (just the way it was, he wanted to see her etc) and as such would happily have done a feed, he gets back to sleep in minutes anyway. You could always alternate nights.

diddl No I know, I´m not getting at you-just trying to explain myself to those who seem to think that I´m completely mad for daring to suggest that you do both if at all possible.

I did both. It was so hard that it made me ill. Every single day I felt like I couldn't cope and felt physically ill because I was so tired. The expressing also left no time whatsoever to eat, rest and all these other things that so many people on here think are possible with a young baby. My baby was also poorly and vomited all the time. I didn't have time to clean up the sick so it just had to stay there. Not good! I was already well on the way to PND but it tipped me over the edge and has taken years to recover from. If the OP has help available then she should take it. Her DH needs to make an adjustment and realise that an earlier night for him will make all the difference in the short and long term for his DW and baby. It's not a big sacrifice to make. No one particularly like getting up in the night but that's life with a baby, and 30mins isn't that big a deal.

Mixedberries i still don't understand why don't you go to bed at 9 and let your dh give her the last bottle and enjoy dad-dd time between 9-10pm? Then you sleep from 9pm to 3-4 am, not too bad!!

TwoPlates - why should the OP do that, when the solution is so simple? DP just goes to bed at a reasonable hour so he can pull his weight (and he's not being asked to do much). God, we were both in bed by 8.30/9pm, let alone 10pm when our DCs were babies. It's all about working together to get through the early months (and late months as well, but lets not dwell on that yet!)

I think the issue here is less the actual mechanics of who does what and when, and more the OP's (understandable) feeling of resentment that the DP is not prepared to compromise his life, and leaving it all down to the OP. Which isn't on.

Maybe the question is more 'is my DP BU?'.

Erm, because she wants more sleep. Because she likes early nights and no tv.
'Why should the op do that?. I didn't suggest she goes to work in a farm, i suggested she goes to bed and he looks after dd .
Or should we all shout : 'He is a bastard! How dare he, he needs punishment!'

No, but yet again it is the woman having to inconvenience herself even more to avoid inconveniencing the man.

By going to bed and leave him with the baby?