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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to ask DP to do the night feed while I'm expressing?

284 replies

MixedBerries · 08/12/2011 10:08

DS is nearly 8 weeks old and usually sleeps from 10 until 3 or 4 when he wakes up for a feed. He then goes back to sleep until 7 or 7.30 when we all get up. Due to complications with tongue tie, DS still finds it hard to feed on the boob (it takes a v v v looong time) so his last feed at night and his night feed are EBM in a bottle. This is where the problem lies...

I have to get up in the night at least once to express milk. For the last week I have cut it down to just before I sleep at 10 and then expressing at 3 or 4 while DP is feeding DS by bottle. This was working fine but today DP has said he 'll have to stop doing the night feed as he's too knackered at work.

Now then, I'm a SAHM for now and DP does have a physically demanding job and is self employed. So is it unreasonable to ask him to be up for 30 minutes in the night? He doesn't prepare the bottle. I go downstairs to warm it and bring it up for him then go back down to do my boobs.

Also, what pisses me off most, is that I go to bed at 10 when DS does. DP stays up until about midnight. I pointed out he may be less knackered at work if he went to bed earlier but he said if he does, he doesn't have a life. Like mine is so exciting sat on the sofa with a baby hanging off my boob all day!

If DP does stop doing the night feed, I'll be up doing the feed and then expressing, which will be well over an hour after which I find it impossible to get back to sleep. And I can't nap in the day as DS only naps in 15 minute stints.

AIBU? Any other solutions?

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 08/12/2011 15:01

Yes. She may want a little more time with her husband in the evening, to sit etc. And yet she will still have to both bf and express in the middle of the night, which is an absolute arse. Common sense would suggest one parent doing one task, one doing the other to keep the disturbance to a minimum

PenguinArmy · 08/12/2011 15:03

BF mothers don't have to do it all. When I've struggled DH brought DD into bed, I fed her and he took her away again.

If you're DH was going to bed earlier they maybe he might have a point. Helping his family (that he also created) should take priority to 'having a life'

I have been the SAHM and the worker in a mentally demanding job ft at 4 months with DH the SAHD. He says I have the harder job atm and does loads including getting up with him from 5. DS is also 8 weeks.

Tigresswoods · 08/12/2011 15:05

YABU IMO.

If he's got to work then let him sleep. You'll be on here in a few months for advice on getting DC to sleep thru in about 6 months because "I'm returning to work soon"

GlueSticksEverywhere · 08/12/2011 15:09

Tigresswoods If he's got to work then let him sleep.

Oh yeah the poor man has to go to work Hmm How can he possibly cope with a normal job and a full nights sleep! (Just as before he had a baby might I add) This idea that a mans life shouldn't change when he has a baby yet the womans changes beyond all recognition makes me want to puke! The OP is having a bloody hard time and is no doubt exhausted but heaven forbid the man should do anything! Hmm

Deliaskis · 08/12/2011 15:17

Agree with GlueSticks I don't get why there is this idea that men who WOHM should not be inconvenienced at all by the arrival of a new baby. Sorry, but the first few months, it's all hard, everybody's exhausted, everybody has to adjust, for the short term, and if that includes going to bed earlier then so be it.

Both parents are...well...parents, and WOHM doesn't qualify the DH for an exemption from doing the hard bits, especially when OP is having a tough time feeding.

I'm not a SAHM now, as I said above, so I'm not projecting my own situation, but we're both at work now, we still sometimes have to get up in the night, it makes us tired, it's life with a young child, the OP's DH needs to get used to the idea that life has changed.

D

NinkyNonker · 08/12/2011 15:23

DH is a full grown man, he is capable of pulling his weight without passing out through exhaustion. Frankly he would look like this Hmm at anyone who suggested he should be let off all parenting duties between 10pm and 7am because he goes to work every day, and is amazed at friends of his who have relegated wives and children to the spare room to ensure themselves a good night's sleep.

As I suggested earlier, perhaps you alternate nights? If he won't do any weeknights he should def do both weekend nights.

Heaven forbid a man be inconvenienced or have his life changed by a baby eh.

TheSecondComing · 08/12/2011 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 08/12/2011 15:36

I absolutely agree with the last couple of posts. Just goes to show that things haven't moved on in the slightest. We still tiptoe round the poor men, not daring to disrupt their lives. How unthinkable that a young baby should impinge on their lives at all. God forbid they are a bit tired during the day sometimes.

Original poster
MixedBerries · 08/12/2011 15:39

Well, TSC you're obviously a much better person than me. I am genuinely unsure if my request is reasonable or not, which is why I asked. My DS must be eternally cursed for having me as a mother.

OP posts:
Deliaskis · 08/12/2011 15:42

TSC the OP (and others) are only suggesting the DH go to bed earlier, so that he also gets enough sleep to allow him to WOH and also do his bit with the hard stuff at home. I don't think that's U. The OP might in some ways be lucky that the baby sleeps well, but in other ways she's not as she has this rigmarole with feeding all the time.

Being relatively lucky re a good sleeper doesn't mean that she is being U to want DH to do his share.

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 15:43

I agree with TSC posts. No way could dh have done his job safely if he had been up in the night, even if it was only for 30 mins - and feeds aren't just 30 mins, are they? They are 30 min feed, burp, possible nappy change, settle back down THEN try and get back to sleep yourself.

diddl · 08/12/2011 15:44

I don´t think it´s a case of tiptoing around the men.

My husband needed to get up to work & had no chance to rest at all in the day.

That didn´t apply to me.

It certainly didn´t mean that his life didn´t change, though.

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 15:47

Agree diddl I am not known for tip toeing around anyone least of all around dh.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 08/12/2011 15:47

Valium - but you think the OP should do that, then express as well, by which time she is too awake to get back to sleep. She prepares the bottles etc, all her DH has to do is give the baby the bottle - I think he's getting off lightly tbh.

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 15:51

diddle As you say someone at work cant rest during the day...and apparently you could rest during the day....but if you read the op then you will see that she also cannot rest during the day as her baby is not a sleeper.

So if neither parent can rest during the day then it makes sense to split the night shift.

NinkyNonker · 08/12/2011 15:53

Dd was never a sleeper, day or night...yawn. Being told to 'sleep when she does' made me feel faintly homicidal to be honest.

DH is an aerospace engineer, he designs parts of passenger and fighter jets amongst other things. He can manage on less than 8 hrs when needed.

AmberLeaf · 08/12/2011 15:54

YABU

I appreciate that you are feeling really tired, but you dont have to go out to work in the morning like your DH does. Im not negating the role of a SAHM but it is definitely easier being knackered at home than while trying to do a physically demanding job.

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 15:56

An 8 week old baby who doesn't sleep at all during the day? Really?

diddl · 08/12/2011 15:58

"she also cannot rest during the day as her baby is not a sleeper."

Yes but baby is only 8wks-does it mean that she has to be doing something with him all day, or that she could put him down & sleep herself?

At the end of the day, OP knows her husband & knows if the fact that he has said something about half an hr in the night means that he really is struggling, or if he´s just trying to get out of it unnecessarily.

NinkyNonker · 08/12/2011 15:59

I can't speak for the OP's baby, but mine would only sleep for 20 to 30 min bursts, and then ideally on me, in sling or otherwise. She will now nap for a couple of hours during the day, she is 15 months...tis a revelation!

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 16:01

diddl not all 8 week old babies sleep all day! The op says that the babu sleeps for a maximum of 15 mins at a time during the day. Are you suggesting she sleep while the baby is awake? Doing what? That arent exactly into entertaining themselves at that age?

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 16:03

Yes Vallium Do try and contain your amazement that all babies do not have the same sleep patterns.......

Seriously - why do people assume all babies are the same as the ones they personally have had?

I also had a non-daytime sleeper until around 12 weeks when she cracked it.

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 16:08

I simply asked a question, no amazement or assumptionentro. I nannied for years before having my own ds, so plently of experience with children and with quite a few very tiny babies, I have never come across a non sleeper - hence my question.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 08/12/2011 16:09

Valium - my almost 9 month old has had perhaps 20 naps of more than 45 minutes in his whole life, and most of those were in the last week. At 8 weeks he didn't sleep for more than 10-15 minutes at a time during the day.

valiumredhead · 08/12/2011 16:11

Sounds awful!

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