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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to ask DP to do the night feed while I'm expressing?

284 replies

MixedBerries · 08/12/2011 10:08

DS is nearly 8 weeks old and usually sleeps from 10 until 3 or 4 when he wakes up for a feed. He then goes back to sleep until 7 or 7.30 when we all get up. Due to complications with tongue tie, DS still finds it hard to feed on the boob (it takes a v v v looong time) so his last feed at night and his night feed are EBM in a bottle. This is where the problem lies...

I have to get up in the night at least once to express milk. For the last week I have cut it down to just before I sleep at 10 and then expressing at 3 or 4 while DP is feeding DS by bottle. This was working fine but today DP has said he 'll have to stop doing the night feed as he's too knackered at work.

Now then, I'm a SAHM for now and DP does have a physically demanding job and is self employed. So is it unreasonable to ask him to be up for 30 minutes in the night? He doesn't prepare the bottle. I go downstairs to warm it and bring it up for him then go back down to do my boobs.

Also, what pisses me off most, is that I go to bed at 10 when DS does. DP stays up until about midnight. I pointed out he may be less knackered at work if he went to bed earlier but he said if he does, he doesn't have a life. Like mine is so exciting sat on the sofa with a baby hanging off my boob all day!

If DP does stop doing the night feed, I'll be up doing the feed and then expressing, which will be well over an hour after which I find it impossible to get back to sleep. And I can't nap in the day as DS only naps in 15 minute stints.

AIBU? Any other solutions?

OP posts:
SomethingSuitablyWitty · 08/12/2011 11:24

I think YAB a bitU, but you have my sympathy. Obviously, your OH finds breaking the night by getting up very hard and that it impacts on his work, whereas you are getting up anyway to pump and giving the EBM is only 30 minutes more onto your wake-up. I think those 30 minutes are not the issue as much as you feeling a bit isolated and unsupported when you're up alone in the night, which is a lonely time. I know it would be simpler if he went to bed early too, but it sounds like he doesn't want to and to be honest, I have some sympathy with that too, even though I fall asleep on the sofa most nights around 10 myself.

The key will be cracking the BF problems I think - and it sounds like you are doing everything you can. In the meantime, maybe see how you can plan the wake-up. If you can pump one feed ahead, is there away to feed and pump?! Once it is a question of a quick BF feed once in the night, it will all be much easier. Your baby sounds like an amazing sleeper! Hope things get easier with the feeding soon.

tryingtoleave · 08/12/2011 11:24

I think you should be looking for any solution that doesn't involve you both being up at night. It's ridiculous for you both to be exhausted. Can you express during the day? Give formula at night? My ds stopped waking for a night feed at eight weeks and it didn't affect my supply. My milk was still there when he started waking three times a night at four months and then every forty minutes all night at nine months...( I know a thing or two about tiredness....)

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 08/12/2011 11:24

If one of you is at work outside the home then I think the SAHP should do the night feeds.

If you are both working outside the home you should share the night wakings as fairly as possible.

If you are bf'ing then you have to do all the feeds unless expressing or ff'ing in the night.

That's not sexist surely?

kiki22 · 08/12/2011 11:24

I would never dream of asking DP to get up during the night when he has work the next day i'd FF at night instead.

TwoPlates · 08/12/2011 11:25

I say: huge sympathy. You do have it hard imo. OP not so.

TwoPlates · 08/12/2011 11:25

And LOL @ sexism.

TheSecondComing · 08/12/2011 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 11:27

Well i think the sexism starts with assuming that the day job is more important, more demanding and therefore that the working away parent should have less responsibilities during non-working times.

When the genders are reversed its suddenly okay for the working away parent to be up twice a night BFing.

So in other words people think that men who work need sleep more than either women who work, or women who are full time mums...sounds pretty damn sexist to me...

WhiteTrash · 08/12/2011 11:28

Im sorry I think YABU. I get up to my baby literally countless times a night (hes not well) have been doing so for weeks. But because DP has a physically demanding job I very rarely ask for his help. Hes down stairs on the sofa getting sleep.

If I have a bad night (every poxy night. Woe.) I lay down when baby sleeps in the day. Can you do that? Or do you have a toddler too? (I know that would make it harder).

101North · 08/12/2011 11:29

nooo, i'm saying that babybrain is not an excuse in the workplace, whether you're a man or a woman! nothing to do with sexism. I've been a working mum, spending the night bfing and then racing to work the next day. You just can't use the babybrain excuse to your colleagues for having your skirt on inside out or poo on your sleeve in a professional environment.

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 08/12/2011 11:30

I have worked with a baby, worked when pregnant and with a baby, and have been a SAHM.

I can say categorically I deal with lack of sleep far better when not working outside the home. I need more sleep for my job than I do looking after my children.

lukewarmMulledWhine · 08/12/2011 11:31

YADNBU (assuming you are also getting the tongue tie sorted out in the meantime!).

He should definitely try going to bed earlier for at least 2 weeks, and helping as you suggest, then you can both re-evaluate then. If its still not working, maybe agree a night on/night off, and he does the weekends? ie some kind of (flexible) rota

Would it help for him to sleep in a different room or on the sofa occasionally, so he can get a couple of undisturbed nights? We did this for the first couple of months of having each baby and it was a sanity saver for DH, and for me as he could then help more on other nights, or by cooking in the evening whilst I grabbed an early evening nap etc.

You need to pull together on this, to maximise overall sleep - its not just one person's problem, and there are times you can deal with the lack of sleep and times you can't, and you each need to support each other and be flexible throughout those times. You need to have a serious chat with your DP if he thinks this is all down to you.

Unless he is seriously dangerous at work, his being at work and you being at home is a non-issue. You have a baby, you're all tired, you all have to deal with it.

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 11:31

north so if you can manage to BF in the night and work full time, then why exactly is the OP being told that doing a single night feed and then going to work full time is unfair on her man?

WhiteTrash · 08/12/2011 11:32

Entrop- I hear what youre saying but if I have to get up in the night I can lay down in the day if I really need to. If DP gets up in the night he still has to go to work at 7am and work his arse off, no laying down for him!

Occasional help for sure! Maybe even twice a week but as far as Im concerned waking twice is easy. Id do it any day. Wake once, pump and feed at the same time.

entropyglitter · 08/12/2011 11:32

Thats interesting santasbelly but surely you dont expect that just because that is true for you then it is true for all men and women everywhere?

BluddyMoFo · 08/12/2011 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tryingtoleave · 08/12/2011 11:36

Entropy, I think it must be very difficult to be up several times a night and then go to work. I have huge respect for those who do it. I had to put my phd on hold because the work I was producing was so bad while I was sleep deprived. But in terms of workload, looking after one little baby (if not colicky) is about as easy as it gets in parenting terms, until they go to school, I imagine (not quite there yet).

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 08/12/2011 11:37

YANBU. I wasn't bf but dd was a crap sleeper for years. I was awake most of every night with her but still had to go to work the next day. No one came and patted me on the back and gave me the aw diddums speech. Working outside the home doesnt get you out of everything. If a feed takes half an hour and you bring him everything he needs then there's no reason why he can't do it. No one is going to be knackered after being awake for a mere half hour at night and if he is, then he needs to cut down on the tv etc.

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 08/12/2011 11:37

why not do a straight bf during the night feed, and express at a different feed of the day?

WorraLiberty · 08/12/2011 11:38

Not everybody can sleep at 10, he wants to unwind, to watch tv, watch the news, surf the net, he cannot do that during the day but you can

Exactly. It's not just about sleep...it's also about balance.

If both parents were working out of the home all day, then fair enough.

But one is at home all day, and as stressful as that can sometimes be, at least they have the option of daytime rest and activities other than work...maybe nowhere near as much as before the baby was born, but they still have that option none the less.

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 08/12/2011 11:38

I am saying that I need more sleep for work than staying at home. So does my DH. There is no sexism about it.

Therefore if the OP's DH feels he needs more sleep than the OP I would agree with him, based on my experiences.

Similarly, you cannot expect your experiences to be true for men and women everywhere can you? I believe that is the point of a discussion.

101North · 08/12/2011 11:39

entropyglitter - I spent 20 years as working mum. I'm now SAHM with ds3.

Basically WhiteTrash says it better than I could any day of the week. If the op's dp is unable to manage night-wakenings and then do a proper days work then next day, thats not a weakness.

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 08/12/2011 11:39

Bluddy

I think YABU.

And everyone who thinks YANBU, I think they ABU too!

That's my kind of argument Wink

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 08/12/2011 11:40

Actually, I don't think anyone is saying that entropy and I think that thatsnotsanta made a fair point that "If you are both working outside the home you should share the night wakings as fairly as possible".

The problem is that it isn't easy to share BFing unless you express and organise the night feeds in advance so that your DP can do them and some find it simpler to just breastfeed directly rather than go down that road. It's not easy to combine work and nightfeeds though and I don't think anyone thinks it is. I hope you get a lie-in at weekends at least.

TwoPlates · 08/12/2011 11:43

OP can you go to bed at 9 then? Problem solved Grin

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