....to ask DP to do the night feed while I'm expressing?

[MixedBerries]

DS is nearly 8 weeks old and usually sleeps from 10 until 3 or 4 when he wakes up for a feed. He then goes back to sleep until 7 or 7.30 when we all get up. Due to complications with tongue tie, DS still finds it hard to feed on the boob (it takes a v v v looong time) so his last feed at night and his night feed are EBM in a bottle. This is where the problem lies...

I have to get up in the night at least once to express milk. For the last week I have cut it down to just before I sleep at 10 and then expressing at 3 or 4 while DP is feeding DS by bottle. This was working fine but today DP has said he 'll have to stop doing the night feed as he's too knackered at work.

Now then, I'm a SAHM for now and DP does have a physically demanding job and is self employed. So is it unreasonable to ask him to be up for 30 minutes in the night? He doesn't prepare the bottle. I go downstairs to warm it and bring it up for him then go back down to do my boobs.

Also, what pisses me off most, is that I go to bed at 10 when DS does. DP stays up until about midnight. I pointed out he may be less knackered at work if he went to bed earlier but he said if he does, he doesn't have a life. Like mine is so exciting sat on the sofa with a baby hanging off my boob all day!

If DP does stop doing the night feed, I'll be up doing the feed and then expressing, which will be well over an hour after which I find it impossible to get back to sleep. And I can't nap in the day as DS only naps in 15 minute stints.

AIBU? Any other solutions?

The OP is having problems bfing because her LO has a tongue-tie.

Are you going to get it snipped, OP?

Are you going to get it snipped, OP?

That's a bit extreme...I'm sure they'll work this out without the need for a vasectomy

Thing is though, he should be pulling his weight. Whether he gets "a life" or enough sleep is then a choice he has to make. If you have to make that choice, he should as well. It's not fair if he gets both and you get one or the other (or possibly neither). I've been forced into that choice at times and it's not fun, but it's temporary - it's part of what you take on when you have children. You should both be grateful, appreciate you have each other and try to share the not-so-nice bits equally, feeling you're approaching it together, because I had no choice, I was a single parent and had nobody to argue with about who would do the night feeds!

Ah if you can get the tongue tie sorted that will be a big help. :)

It's not necessarily as easy as expressing at some other time of day for the night or getting one feed ahead with the expressing. OP has said baby needed topping up to get more milk. She may not be able to express extra at other times. Bf doesn't work like that for everyone.

OP I don't know whether you are BU or not. I'm not sure it's relevant. You need a dialogue with your DH, not a conflict. You need to understand his needs and he yours. for many women having a supportive OH is the difference between bf or not. when you are at the end of your tether, been in pain for weeks, been expressing night and day for weeks, wondering if it will ever work, why you etc as may well be the case in this sort of scenario, then sometimes having someone else demonstrate their support by getting their bum out of bed to help is the difference between feeling able to go on or not. It is that demonstration of support and solidarity that for some women makes the difference. Some partners cna manage it, others cannot. What this OP needs to work out is how she feels, what is right for her family and to talk to her DH about what he feels and what he can manage. Does he know how you feel?

I'm inclined to think that ringing one of the bf helplines may be more helpful that asking here whether your DH IBU. You need to be a team .

Cat - I think the mum should feel incredibly lucky thats all shes had to do WITH help every night!

YANBU Yes he should go to bed earlier and continue to do that one night feed. I have done the expressing thing and it's really exhausting to do in the night and takes ages if you have to do that as well as feed the baby. For me if I were to feed the baby first and then express I would have been literally covered in milk and in great discomfort by the time the baby was settled and I could get on with expressing.

KD0706 I'm no expert but my initial inclination is that it will be bad for your supply for you to be expressing rather than feeding overnight. And presumably easier for everybody if you can manage to feed directly overnight rather than faffing with expressing. . . .

I don't think telling someone to breastfeed and not faff around with expressing is very helpful when they clearly are having problems. I had a breastfeeding helpline tell me the same thing despite me explaining that my DD could NOT breastfeed. They were just very snooty about it. Not helpful in the slightest. I am sure the OP wouldn't be expressing if she didn't have to so to tell her not to is pointless and will probably just make her feel even more shit (and possibly a bit of a failure as it did me) about the fact she is finding it so hard. The baby has a tongue tie FFS. Oh and expressing didn't affect my milk supply whatsoever.

TwoPlates OP can you go to bed at 9 then? Problem solved

She feeds the baby just before 10.

FGS seriously? You're telling someone who sounds like she's been to hell and back with bf probs that she's lucky?

Her DH may still be in shock about the whole thing, he's obviously struggling, and sounds like he has a difficult job too. Why would we be calling him 'lucky' either?

No two families are the same and every individual parent's experiences are different. IMO it is impossible for us to say what each of them can cope with or how they should resolve this.

Since you made a joint decision to EBF, making the expressing/feeding at night extra difficult, then I think your DP owes it to you to pitch in with the nightfeeds. You could perhaps compromise by offering 2 working nights off, & he could come to bed on time when he's on duty. Plus split the weekends.

MoTeaVate- that's the best answer I've read so far and you are spot on. WT- I do feel incredibly lucky to have such a good little sleeper. BUT I don't feel lucky to have a DS with tongue tie and feeding problems so that weight gain has been a serious issue requiring hospital stays. I just really feel like the onus is on me to do everything.....

OP - are you going to get it snipped? Its v simple and generally starts helping straight away. (you probably know that already )

OP - judging by your last post this sounds like it is more about psychological support? You feel DP is not supporting you at night and he is taking the piss staying up to midnight and claiming he is tired?

I think you need to compromise. You do need sleep for a physically demanding job, BUT 30 mins interruption is really not much and he needs to get used to it. What will happen when/if you return to work and your DC is vomiting at night? I he should definitely do Friday and Saturday nights. And perhaps go to bed at 9.30pm on Wednesdays so he can do that night. That way you will feel supported and get a little more sleep and his work will not suffer.

And to all the posters going on about being able to rest during the day with an 8 week old - I never could, I could barely eat lunch, maybe i'm a but rubbish but if you have a baby that takes very short naps or like mine on napped on the move then that's just the way it is.
Op - don't be cowering by the mumsnet stepford club :-)

Hi MulledWhine. We've had it snipped twice! First at 4 weeks but went a bit wrong so then we had to go half way across the country so see someone more specialised to do it again. That was 2 weeks ago. The pain has subsided but there are issues getting used to the boob and jaw muscle development apparently. The aim is to be all boob eventually!

I felt incredibly isolated & resentful when I was DDs sole carer in the early days. It was a horrible feeling. I needed 7-8 hours sleep a night to function before parenthood came along. We had to find a fairer split even though DP was working, as DD was not the easiest baby. (I'm working now anyhow...)

I don't think yabu, if your dh is complaining that being up for half an hour is making him too tired then he goes to bed at half 11 instead of 12. The first weeks with a newborn are really hard and sounds like you are having a tough time. I don't think a bit of support from your partner is too much to ask.

I´m with the YABU.

How long does it take for your son to take the EBM, and could you express ready for the next feed after that?

I´m wondering why you have to express whilst your baby is being fed?

I agree with Bluddy

Can you express on one boob while feeding on the other? My friend used to swear by this.

MixedBerries - blimey, sorry to hear that. Hope it gets better soon, and well done you for persevering through it! We had DD2's snipped, but luckily had no massive feeding issues (my oversupply was such that all she had to do was open her mouth and have it hosed into her, no sucking required, just choking!).

YANBU

DH has always helped in the night with both of our boys. Especially when I had to express with DS1 in the early days for similar reasons to you.

YANBU, and everyone who says YABU is BU too

My DH still helps if DS wakes in the night, and he's 14m and not having night feeds anymore (finally - he didnt stop them til 11m!).