to ask SiL to pay kennel fees for our dog over Xmas?

[bex2011]

We have been invited to my PiL over Xmas along with DH's brother and his family. They have said they will only go if our dog goes into kennels. SiL has a real problem with the dog and her children being in the same house. We have FiL has said he will put a baby gate at the kitchen door and the dog can stay behind that. Dog and children wouldn't need to be in the same room at all. This isn't good enough. Dog shows no signs at all of agression. She is fine with my niece and nephew and has adapted really well to having a baby in the house. Everyone who knows the dog and the situation thinks it's ridiculous and there is no reason why dog and children can't be together.

They will be at inlaws from Xmas day lunchtime until boxing day evening. The kennels have said that dog would need to go in Xmas eve before lunch until day after boxing day, totalling 4 days of kennel fees.

AIBU to ask them to foot the bill for this? Part of me knows that I am, but they show no degree of compromise to find a situation that works.

you love your dog and can't imagine christmas without it, I can appreciate that. Try and find out exactly why your SIL doesn't want the dog to be there, does she generally make life difficult for you on purpose or do you generally rub along nicely together? If you do then I'll echo what others have said on here about her being terrified of dogs. I am frightened of dogs, having been attacked twice as a child. I try not to be frightened but I just can't help it, this makes me unable to relax, I do "put on a brave" when with my dd as I don't want to pass the fear on but really inside I'm tense and petrified that something terrible is going to happen. Irrational it may be but there it is. Imagine you were frightened of spiders (many people are), how would you feel if someone you knew turned up to a family gathering with their pet tarantula (unlikely but humour me), would you be able to relax?

Maybe she isn't frightened at all, maybe she's just a cow trying to ruin your christmas. Only one way to find out. Talk to her.

I would be very unhappy if I had to spend christmas separated from my dogs, worrying if they are taken care of properly. It would spoil christmas for me. Considering that there will be a babygate and the dog will actually not even get a chance to get near SIL, she is BU.

tbh i just feel sorry for you pil who are in an impossible situation :( and on that basis i would be tempted to sort out some alternative arrangements for the dog so that you and your family can go and your sil and her family and THAT will make your pils happy. i am guessing they would like to see all their grandchildren at xmas?

but if doing that makes you feel bitter/angry/resentful then thats not a good idea as that festering resentment will not be fun over xmas.

if sil has no proper phobia or allergy or extremely GOOD reason for not wanting the dog there she is BU. its not her house so she has no say on whether a dog is allowed and you and your pil HAVE come up with a compromise and at least made an attempt to meet her halfway, which she is not doing, making her unreasonable.

i would have a good heart to heart with your inlaws and see what their take on it is,and would be very tempted to tell your sil what an incredibly annoying/selfish etc person she is being as effectively she is going to risk upsetting the pil by not going when they have been nice enough to invite you all around.

Perhaps your SIL will be reassured if she's told the dog won't be seated next to her or her precious offspring at the Christmas dinner table? And that Fido's wing-back chair will be placed in the farthest corner of the parlour, away from the Christmas tree. Oh and that he won't be smoking in the house.

And if that doesn't work, just ask the PIL to choose who they would like to join them for Christmas: the sil and the grandkids or your dog.

The world is made up of doggy people and non-doggy people and there are no inbetweeners.

YABU

Very.

I would be like the SIL in this scenario, well in a way I was.

My sis and BIL had a staffy, no kids.

I had a small DD. I refused to have my DD in the same room as the dog and boycotted any occasions where the dog was.
I wasn't arsey about, I was clear even through my pregnancy. I would never be in the same room as it. My sis and BIL (and my mum) thought the dog was the loveliest thing ever, so gently blah blah.

I don't expect they were particularly pleased with my attitude.

They had to rehome the dog 2 years ago after it BIT a CHILD.

I don't like or trust big dogs and I never will.

I know my children aren't welcome everywhere and not everyone loves them - I wish to dog-owners would feel the same about their bloody dogs.

How far away are you from the PIL?
Were you planning on staying for longer than 24 hours? Could you go at a different time, say 27th? For New Year instead? Could your SIL? Are PIL up to making the decision for both of you, so they say what happens?
I don't think you are BU to ask for SIL's family to pay towards the fees, they will have little idea how much they are inconveniencing you and the cost, so no harm in letting them know. All they can do is refuse.
I dislike dog's because of their behaviour rather than any breed issues.
You keep mentioning the non-aggression, I hate the bouncing, the running around inside, the climbing on and up me, the slobbering and the food stealing, the lack of obedience and good manners. So it very much depends on how under control you have him.
My SIL has a dog I have no problem sharing Christmas meet-ups with, she is large and beautifully behaved. My sister has a spoiled brat of an animal I won't share space with.
I hope you do come to some sort of compromise.

I love dogs and am happy for DS to be around dogs, as we have one in the family and have several friends with dogs. However, I would be very different if said dog was a staffi (even a cross breed). I really wouldn't be comfortable with a staffi being around DS, as no matter how well they are trained there is still an instinct there that I don't like.
So, I can understand where your SiL is coming from on this one... I'd either put the dog in kennels or stay in your own home for Christmas if it's an issue. Unless you want a full-scale family row...

If I wad the SIL, I'd just say "look, it's easier all round if we don't come. We'll see you just after Christmas", if the PIL's are genuinely happy and will actually enjoy the dogs, rather than just tolerate them: I am glad no one I know has dogs. Seems to make life easier!

Just out of curiosity, what breed of dog do you have?

what difference does it make? the worst dogs i have come across are westie terrier things - horrible dogs, snappy and jealous.

Well then...if this stance of hers is to do with your dog's appearance or 'breed' then she is BU. If she's happy to have her kids pet a spaniel, but insists that YOUR dog must be banished from Christmas, then she can do one.

Again, I understand that certain breeds have connotations that aren't always positve...but if you say your dog is well behaved and sociable and no threat (or at least no more than any other dog) to the kids, then the problem lies with her, and that's that.

I don't know what a workable solution would be tbh. If your sil won't even see the dog seperated by a gate as acceptable, then I would say she has to forfeit the invite, as this is a problem entirely brought about by herself.

I'm still picking myself up of the floor at the thought of

1. Christmas at the PiLs

and

1. Christmas without the 'Prudog.

so much at the though of this I don't even know where to start.

Possibly she doesn't realise just how expensive kennel fees are, given that she doesn't have a dog herself.

I am torn here, because I really can see both sides, but I'm coming to the conclusion that you were both invited and it's up to her to either accept or decline. It is not up to her to make demands that other people have to accommodate at great expense to themselves.

I feel for your PIL, it would have been nice for them to have the whole family together, but sometimes it just isn't possible. I think that whichever one of you gives in, there will be resentment spilling into Christmas. Perhaps it is better that you don't all get together.

Just to add, I would not send my dog (if I had one) away so that someone could visit me. I would either visit them or meet somewhere neutral. It's rude to impose her wishes on you in your house.

Is it feasible for either of you to go just for the day , so the dog coudl be kept at home or well out of the way short term ?

Any chance your DH could talk to his brother and work out a solution?

Is a difficult one. I love dogs and am desperate to have one myself but can't due to work commitments. At the same time I have a similar problem as the OP but from the opposite perspective.

My sister has a Rottweiler x Alsation (spelling?!) which she bought partly for company but also for security.

The dog is lovely and actually a bit of a wooss but has not had any dog training.

I've told my parents that we don't want to stay over night at theirs this christmas if my sisters dog will be there as we have a 9 month old baby.

There would be my parents dog (a westie), 5 adults, a cat, my sisters dog and a baby all in their small house. It would be v hard to keep the rottie and my DS apart.

We will go there for the day though, just not for too long as it would be chaotic for everyone.

I do feel for my parents though as it has become their problem and it really shouldn't be. My sister and I should be able to work this out between us. Unfortunately we haven't! I would be happy to pay for kennels for my sisters dog but she would be outraged if I offered as her dog is her family, which I completely understand.

'It's rude to impose her wishes on you in your house.'

KB< the house belongs to the PIL, it's a Christmas family get together.

"The world is made up of doggy people and non-doggy people and there are no inbetweeners.

YABU

Very." no she isnt being unreasonable at all, she has offered a compromise, which is more than she HAS to do imo and this is coming from someone who isnt a dog fan, extremely allergic and i will not allow dogs in my house.

the inlawas whose house this is!! do are HAPPY to have the dog, they even look after it etc, so this being the case, its their decision to make and the sil is being unreasonable for demanding the dog go to kennels when it is NOT her house and she has no real reason ie allergies or phobia, to not want the dog there.

so yes your sil will end up not going if she chooses not to want to be around the dog, despite your offered compromise, that is her problem, its just a bit :( said for you pils :(

Ugh, you are in an impossible situation, OP.
I guess we don't have full facts, but sounds like SIL is just completely U about dogs (then again, maybe her side is that your pooch is a slobbering stinking maniac).
I don't know what you do!
I'd be tempted to send your DH and the baby on their own (or just DH if baby too young, like if you're breastfeeding) to visit the PILs without you. Else all of you stay away and visit PILs on separate days, what Sparklingbrook said, really. It'd be horrible to have to kennel my dog for 4 days for such poor reasons.

I am hosting Xmas and have told my sister she can't bring her dogs. She is only coming for the day though. I like her dogs but I have a very elderly cat and her dogs are huge and it's not fair on the cat.

YABU

antiqueanteater I think it makes a massive difference! Different dogs are bred deliberately for their different character traits. Some for their aggression (pitbulls, rottweilers) others for different things like their speed or sense of smell. It means some dogs are more likely to be aggressive than others. Training can help massively but to know how much an aggressive / defensive instinct can be overridden by good training is impossible.

The dogs size is also relevant. A large dog can do more harm than a small dog.

Agree that a poorly trained westie can be yappie but have not heard of many incidents were a westie has savaged and maimed a small child!

I think you've offered a compromise; to keep the dog behind a gate, so now the decision whether to compromise herself, is up to her.

You love your dog, she doesn't like dogs, ideally you'll meet half way.

Which would be: you accepting you can't ever take the dog in her house, her accepting that when she visits your houes the dog will be there, and at PILs you making an effort to keep the dog away from her.

I don't see why one persons preference should veto the other. You need some acceptance both ways.

You can say yes but 'i have a phobia' to which reply is 'yes but I love my dog' so who wins?? Which is more powerful or rational, love or a phobia?? Stupid debate, no one wins, you both have compromise.

Phobias can be overcome and you can be parted from your dog.

'It'd be horrible to have to kennel my dog for 4 days for such poor reasons.'

You could presumably pick up the dog anytime, it is just the fees that are inflexible.