to ask SiL to pay kennel fees for our dog over Xmas?

[bex2011]

We have been invited to my PiL over Xmas along with DH's brother and his family. They have said they will only go if our dog goes into kennels. SiL has a real problem with the dog and her children being in the same house. We have FiL has said he will put a baby gate at the kitchen door and the dog can stay behind that. Dog and children wouldn't need to be in the same room at all. This isn't good enough. Dog shows no signs at all of agression. She is fine with my niece and nephew and has adapted really well to having a baby in the house. Everyone who knows the dog and the situation thinks it's ridiculous and there is no reason why dog and children can't be together.

They will be at inlaws from Xmas day lunchtime until boxing day evening. The kennels have said that dog would need to go in Xmas eve before lunch until day after boxing day, totalling 4 days of kennel fees.

AIBU to ask them to foot the bill for this? Part of me knows that I am, but they show no degree of compromise to find a situation that works.

After lunch they could all do a room swap, the dog could come into the lounge with everyone else who likes it, and SIL can sit in the kitchen behind the gate!

I have never used kennels, but have used catteries and I expect if they are fully booked, with minimal staff to do all the feeding/cleaning out/grooming/exercising they will be very busy. They don't want people turning up all the time bringing and collecting animals, paying etc when they have to fit their own celebrations in at the same time. Which is why it is easier to keep the pets for a few days over Christmas for the kennels/catteries. Peak times of year are best booked a few months in advance to be sure of getting a place, although the cost is becoming prohibitive as the owner of the cattery I use told me. He said that they have seen a reduction in clients, and also the length of holidays that people take to be able to afford it, one week instead of two. They use friends and relatives for pet care for week-ends away and short trips.

I have known a staffie bitch who could identify gay men! They were the only people she would growl at. Not a threatening growl, more of a grumble. She 'outed' a few colleagues of her owners who were not known to be gay.

I feel for you OP i really do . The problem is your SIL is scared that your dog is going to attack her children , whether this is rational or not doesnt matter ,this is what she believes could happen . You cannot guarentee that this will not happen . You can say ,oh she will be behind a stair gate, she is well trained ,docile etc etc , but you cannot give a 100% honest promise that she wont hurt her children.
Have you thought about investing in a big cage , that could be put somewhere in your PILs house , your SIL may feel better knowing she is shut up , plus it will be somewhere nice and quiet for your dog to go away from overexcited children .

frumpet I don't know why you feel for the OP. She has got exactly what she wanted. Her dog is now officially regarded as a more important part of the PiL's family than her SiL's family (including the kids). She has possibly ruined Xmas for that entire family. This is exactly the sort of thing that starts family feuds and in this case I wouldn't blame the SiL if she did so.

For all the anti-staffy remarks...

I was attacked and mauled by 5 dogs at 11yrs old (2 dobermans and 3 spaniels)... was terrified of dogs for years after, wouldn't go to friends houses if there were dogs etc. I was fine with our old, blind basset hound. Basset died, new dog arrived... a staffy. This little dog could sense my fear and always sought me out (I have many siblings)... he helped me overcome my fear of dogs. Never bit anyone in 16 years. ALL dogs need training and knowing who is boss.

The SIL is being silly, as it's only an afternoon and the dog won't be near her/the kids. What does your brother have to say about this? Or does she dictate terms?

4 days of keeping a dog away form everyone is horrible, but an afternoon? No problem.

elizabeth well done for overcoming your fear of dogs. thetasigmamum you may feel I have got my own way, but it was PiL's decision based on a number of factors. 1) they want to spend Xmas with my DS on his first Xmas. I personally don't understand the deal with this. I think they will have much better day with their elder grandchildren. 2) this has been going on for years, so Xmas has been alternating between families. If it's a matter of turns, it's our turn. 3) they are also fed up that everyone else is willing to compromise and sil has not given an inch.

Yes, you're right, family feuds are made of situations like this, but all parties need to compromise. We have done on many occasions. We have a baby, sil family won't come and visit new baby in our house unless dog isn't there. Dog being in the garden and conservatory behind a locked door is not good enough, so we pay for her to be minded for the day

Yes, you're right, family feuds are made of situations like this, but all parties need to compromise. We have done on many occasions. We have a baby, sil family won't come and visit new baby in our house unless dog isn't there. Dog being in the garden and conservatory behind a locked door is not good enough, so we pay for her to be minded for the day

She sound horrible, I pity your BIL. I assume you won't be see g them over Xmas now :)

my bil doesnt like dogs and when we got ours he came over with his 2 dds & sil,he demanded we put the dog out in the garden cos dd`s hadnt really been around dogs and were scared,dd 1 had been great friends with our other dog and was fine,i told him no chance,its was freezing outside and he was a small pup,he sensed the girls were a bit scared and didnt go near them,he was forcing his fear on to them.

Some people are scared of dogs and I think dog owners should be mindful of that, they are animals after all. I love dogs, always had them as a child but actually am wary of them around my children so I wouldnt be delighted with a dog being in the house but I would live with the stairgate solution.
However my husband is actually frightened of dogs and this would ruin his Christmas.

A dog is an animal and not a person and when you got a dog I presume that you considered the fact that you may have to put them in kennels when it was inappropriate to bring them somewhere so imo you have to swallow it. I can see how you might see it as unfair though

Apologies but I didnt read the thread. OP I really think this has escalated and I would never let a family row develop over a dog, this is very very sad

TBBH Lizzie I think if your DH is genuinely frightened, that would change the situation.

But the OP's SIL isn't. I think, looking at the last post from OP, the PIL's made the call, and they did it because they are annoyed with SIL: 'they are also fed up that everyone else is willing to compromise and sil has not given an inch'.
It kind of sounds to me as though they are backing OP, not because they are desperate to see the dog, or to choose one family over another (in terms of which kids are more important) but because they don't like being held to ransom by the SIL. It does get wearing, if you have one family member who has to have everything done their way, even if it inconveniences others. And sometimes, you get to a point where you think 'if you're not budging, neither are we'. Kind of seems to me that this is the last straw in this sort of ongoing issue.

If the SIL was consistently difficult about non dog issues then I can see how that might be a tipping point. However if the difficulties mostly are around the dog then I think its just not worth having a family argument about a dog as a previous dog owner, I would never ever have put my dogs needs above a persons

I agree with Lizzie, regardless of who is right or wrong, at the end of the day there is a huge family argument because of a dog, and the PILs are likely not going to get the Christmas they so very much wanted.

Yes, perhaps the SIL is being unreasonable. But Bex, you have the opportunity to be the bigger person here. You can be the one who saves Christmas for everyone.

You said it's very rare for the PILs to have everyone together for Christmas. Why not give them that this year? And then use all this as an opportunity to really talk amongst yourselves to resolve things for future years.

if it were me, I think I would just not take the dog along

bex so when are you going to get the message? You can't have a relationship with your SiL and her family unless you take on board that they cannot stand your dog. This clearly isn't a 'whim' thing, or really to do with Xmas - your SiL obviously does not trust either you, to keep your animal away from her and her kids, or your dog not to hurt them. By continuously dismissing her as unreasonable it sounds as though you are making things impossible in your family.

Unless of course they are using the dog as a pretext and actually don't like your family. In which case, you are perfectly entitled to tell them to bog off.

Which do you think it is? Because if it's the first option then clearly you need to do something to win her trust and it doesn't seem to me that you are trying to do that at all.

I feel for the OP because i can see this escalating and even if the OP backs down she will be seriously out of pocket because her SIL feels she can dictate what other people have in their homes when she visits . I still think my cage suggestion would work out best for all parties , while the SIL is there with her children the dog can be safely contained , the OP can take it for a nice long walk so it wont be cruel . Plus getting the dog used to being in the cage may be useful as her own child gets older ,if she has friends over ,parties etc because not all dogs are child friendly and not all children are dog friendly.

This has got fuck all to do with dogs and lots to do with power plays.

whatmeworry That's not how it sounds to me. Many of the dog lovers here have bought the OP's version of the story hook line and sinker with no questioning and then have further embellished it themselves. To fit the picture they want to paint, that it's not about dogs, that the SiL isn't actually scared of the dog, etc etc. I don't believe that. I think the dog squad are seeing what they want to see, primarily because they want to paint the dog owner as the victim and the dog hater as the villain.

if the SiL is actually using the dog as a pretext then the OP should definitely tell her to bog off. But if not then the problem clearly lies with the OP who has made this an issue for some time it seems without getting the message.

Personally, I think the cage sounds like a good compromise and it is one I would accept if (and only if) I trusted the OP to not let the dog out the entire time my kids and I were there. But I sense that the SiL doesn't trust the OP. And why is that?

Also, in terms of compromise, the OP has not answered whether it's possible for them to go for just Christmas day, which would mean the dog could stay home anyway and resolve the whole issue.

I'm not much of a dog lover, and I think Staffies are totally ridiculous dogs and cant imagine why anyone would have one, but I still think this has got fuck all to do with dogs and everything to do with power plays by Unreasonable people

I do see rabid Dog Lovers and Dog Haters using the thread to have a damn good barney though :o

whatmeworry It's only a power play if the SiL isn't genuinely scared of the dog. I think she is. Nothing the OP has said leads me to believe she isn't proper scared. She has been very consistent about this dog over an extended period of time. It's the other posters in this thread who are trying to make a case for 'power plays'. And it's not a good case. It is a non-existent case.

whatmeworry It's only a power play if the SiL isn't genuinely scared of the dog. I think she is.

Nah, she's playing compromise chicken. Classic power play stuff.

But it's not just the OP, is it, theta? It's the PILs too which is why it suggests to me that there is much more to this than the dog.
If there was truly only that in it, do you not think the GPs would want to spend time with all their grandkids and say to OP, look, we know you don't like it, but please could you this once kennel the dog? They're not. There must be more to it than just that because effectively they have selected seeing the OPs family, including dog, over seeing their other GC.

Are you not also extrapolating to suit your case with all the heavy hints that OP cannot be trusted to respect that others don't like her dog?

It's also worth noting that the OP originally asked whether SIL could be asked to contribute towards putting the dog in kennels? I would say absolutely. As a dog owner I have relatives (several, not just the one household) willing to look after my dog if I go away (I do the same in return - have 3 dogs here atm due to parents being away and needing the dogs to be looked after). So no, I did not budget for kennels. And meeting that expense suddenly, now (because one family member had just started demanding it), at this time of year, just wouldn't be possible. We're tight enough cash-wise without that added in. So it really would be a case of us, with compromise, or no us (we just couldn't afford to do any different). Unless the SIL said 'You know what, I'll pay, since I'm the one heaping the demand and therefore the extra expense on you at short notice.' That hasn't been mentioned either though.

And I'd say there was evidence that OP has compromised plenty in the past - paying for the dog to be minded for a day so that SIL can come to the dog's own house to visit the new (human) baby, without dog present? I'd say she's got more than enough reason to trust OP will keep the dog away if OP has forked out money in the past to allow SIL to come over.

babybythesea The OP has said that they usually do turn and turn about and this year it is her turn. Also, she has a newborn. I'm not surprised the PiL's picked her family, in those circumstances. We only have the OPs word for it that they are annoyed with the SiL, that is the spin the OP has put on it.

I'm not hinting that the SiL doesn't trust the OP to keep her dog away from others - I'm asking the OP if this is the case. It seems like it might be. In which case the OP needs to ask herself why this is. Or, she can carry on playing the martyr while possibly spoiling other peoples' christmas. It's her choice but she came on here to ask if she was being unreasonable so she can't complain that many people think she is.

On the point of paying - why should the SiL pay? It's not her dog. she also said 'it's the dog or us' for all we know she is perfectly happy NOT to visit the PiLs for Christmas. It's only the PiL's who are definitely losing out. And maybe they are happy too. It doesn't change the fact that the unreasonable person here is the OP not the SiL who is being traduced by all and sundry with no opportunity to defend herself or put her case.