to ask SiL to pay kennel fees for our dog over Xmas?

[bex2011]

We have been invited to my PiL over Xmas along with DH's brother and his family. They have said they will only go if our dog goes into kennels. SiL has a real problem with the dog and her children being in the same house. We have FiL has said he will put a baby gate at the kitchen door and the dog can stay behind that. Dog and children wouldn't need to be in the same room at all. This isn't good enough. Dog shows no signs at all of agression. She is fine with my niece and nephew and has adapted really well to having a baby in the house. Everyone who knows the dog and the situation thinks it's ridiculous and there is no reason why dog and children can't be together.

They will be at inlaws from Xmas day lunchtime until boxing day evening. The kennels have said that dog would need to go in Xmas eve before lunch until day after boxing day, totalling 4 days of kennel fees.

AIBU to ask them to foot the bill for this? Part of me knows that I am, but they show no degree of compromise to find a situation that works.

I think PILs have tried to offer a compromise to both parties, with the baby gate so dog can be kept away from SIL.

I think it's now up to SIL to decide if she wishes to accept this compromise herself, or chose not to attend at all.

It's very unfair in any situation when one party tries to compromise and the other refuses and therefore gets their own way because they are one who refuses to budge at all.

It great resentment with those who were prepeared to make some concessions but find themselves forced into going along with the preferences of the intransitory person.

This often happens in families where there is one person who views their needs as greater then everyone elses and the more easy going people make efforts to placate them but resent develops over the years you realise 'why I'm I the one who has to give in always, why are my preferences less important?'

This isn't just about dogs it's about compromise.

I think some efforts need to be made to accommodate her needs, such as Those that have been offered: a baby gate and great care taken to keep dog and her in separate rooms, she now needs to make some accommodation for PILs efforts.

OP needs to accept she doesn't like dogs and keep dog away from her, SIL needs to accept family do like dogs and sometimes the dog will be present in the house when she is there.

Not liking dogs does not trump liking them, or vice versa. No one is right they both have to compromise. A compromise has been offered by PILs.

Ball in SILs court.

Shrug, I just don't see why the SIL should share space with a dog if she doesn't want to.

If someone or something I can't stand is somewhere I have been invited I don't go. Problem solved.

This all comes down to what the PILs want to prioritize, the dog or the kids.

The SIL should not be expected to pay for the OP's kennels. The dog is not her problem and it is pretty obvious that she intends to keep it that way.

I don't think either side is being unreasonable, I think they have incompatible views on the subject.

I don't think PIL would be priortising the dog over their dgc. I think they would making a stand against guests dictating how their home is run. If anyone told me they wouldn't come to my house if I did X, Y or Z I'd do it not matter how ridiculous it was.

PIL have made arrangements to keep the dog seperate. That is compromise and a bloody good one at that. Everyone can be happy. SIL gets to have the dog safely away from her children, OP gets to know her dog is safe and warm. The only person it's not good enough for is SIL.

I don't understand why, for the sakes of family and togetherness at X-Mas, people cannot just make a few compromises. There is already two threads on dogs at X-Mas and if iirc from last year there will be many more to come.

We have dogs. Only half of our family like dogs. Owing to the amount of dogs we have spilt between just two houses making arrangements for our traditional Boxing Day party has been a pain in the arse, but with much discussion and compromise, the party is going ahead and none of the dogs are being shoved into kennels. It's changed venue from my mum's house to mine as I have more rooms to keep my dogs seperate and my dogs are crate trained and generally better behaved. The people who don't like or are afraid of them are happy to trust I will keep them under control and the 'nastier' ones will be kept away from the more excitable guests.

You can buy dog gates from Argos for inside the home, taller than baby gates at 108cms. They are £39.99 considerably less than kennel fees. I think SIL is unreasonable to expect you to pay 4 days boarding if you will only be at PILS half that time, and the gate has been suggested to keep the dog confined.

I used to be afraid of dogs as a child, but I would have been happy to be on the other side of a gate from a dog in someones' home. I wouldn't have a dog as a pet myself, but have had former SILS dog to stay over Christmas for 3 nights once. My cats coped, and so did I.

I think SIL could be more magnanimous over this. The dog in question will be flat out asleep for most of the time, behind a gate in another room. It is not for her to dictate terms of her attendance at PILS when they are happy to have the dog there. If she has a genuine fear she should explain to people about it, rather than appear petty and entitled as she is at the moment, which isn't helping her case.

LittleDog would be distraught at being in kennels, he has never been away from his family, and I would not be prepared to start now.

SIL would have to man up and get over herself.

OK

Whatever your views of dogs are, this is your PILs house and your SIL that has an issue with your dog. So presumably that means it is your PILs daughter? And you are asking your PILs to choose between your dog or their daughter and her family at Christmas? Really?

Who knows why SIL doesn't want to be around the dog, it is her business, if she really can't stand the animal then she can just not go if the dog is there. If the PILs decide they really wqnt SIL there then they can tell OP no dog.

It is their house, they can decide. Just as SIL can decide not to be near the dog and the OP can decide to not go without the dog.

Some people hate dogs, some people love them. Neither is more valid.

OP why take your for dog on a visit? Why should anyone have to consider your mutt?

YABU.

I have dog, BTW.

SIL can stay away, but she will be called a spoilsport, or people will away she is being difficult. The compromises being suggested sound harder on the SIL tbh. The Op basically gets her way, even if the dog is behind the gate. SIL has to put up with dog in house. I wouls happily stay away as the SIL, but would not be happy if that left me labelled as awkward. I just would not want to spend Christmas in a house with the dog.

I think it's your SIL's house and she's entitled to agree to have, or not have a dog in her house, regardless of how unreasonable it seems. Her house, her rules...

However it does mean that she can't get upset when people decline offers to come to her house because they either can't, or won't put their dogs in kennels.

It's a difficult one.

Isn't it PIL's house?

My sister is like this whenever I go to stay with my parents with my 2 dogs. It's like some weird jealousy thing. She objects and huffs and puffs about them being near her kids who are scared of them (only when she's around) and keeps trying to manipulate a situation where my parents have to choose between her and the dogs. Last time she threw a merry fit because the dogs got given a sausage off the bbq that one of her kids was not waiting for.

staff x boxer - yuk - I wouldn't want to be around it either. I do like dogs generally, but our neighbbours have 2 staffs and 2 boxers and they are HORRIBLE aggressive things. The boxers have killed two of our chickens and were very aggressive towards us when we were trying to chase them out of our garden( after they broke into it to kill the chickens). Actually we decided not to get a dog because of them living next door. If I were your SIL I would be scared of it too. I am scared shitless of my neighbours vile dogs and I don't let my kids go round to our neighbours house to play. Their kids come to us. I wouldn;t trust my neighbours boxers to stay behind a gate. They broke though a garden fence here. Garage or Kennels.

its NOT the sil house!!!! its pil and it could be that she is the pil dil if that makes sense, it could be their sons wife, same as op, so not necessarily their daughter. anyway that doesnt really matter.

the pil like the dog, they have it round all the time and even look after it when the op goes away, so they obviously have NO issue with the dog and as it is THEIR house they get to decide on the whether their invite to the op extends to the dog as well. it sounds like it does and they have come up with an option to try and help sil out. i can see why sil is not happy, i am not a dog person myself BUT its NOT her house, she cannot dictate the rules, if she doesnt want to be around the dog, then she goes with what has been suggested and everyone does their best to keep them apart, shouldnt be too difficult, or she doesnt go, that is her choice as she is the one laying down the rules to suit her regardless of everyone else!

At the risk of being flamed, I have also been surprised how many people appear to prioritise their dogs over their family. I appreciate that dogs are considered part of a family, but to prioritise them over relatives makes me a little uncomfortable. It sounds like the OP would rather spend Christmas with her dog than her SIL, OK thats her view but doesn't speak highly of the value she places on her SIL, but that may be a bit much for her SIL, her PIL (presumably her SILs parents) and her DH (presumably her SILs brother) to take on as well.

We had a massive row at our house last Christmas and is wasn't nice. It does sound like some talking is needed here or there is going to be some real resentment and I think everyone misses out.

Yes, it's PIL house.

Morloth I agree if SIL does not wish to accept compromise offered and choses not to go she is fully entitled to do so.

Of course then PILs may feel obliged to go along with her demands for the sake of family unity and compromise goes out the window and she gets what she wants.

I see this so often in families. Not necessarily about dogs. But just one intransigent person always getting their own way, as others want to keep the peace and maintain unity.

We have 2 dogs, SIL doesn't like dogs. We went to their house for Xmas last year and kennelled to dogs for 3 nights. Felt sad but accepted it.

This year they are coming to us. Dogs will be here. Kept in utility a lot when SIL about to help and make her as comfortable as possible. I know she doesn't like them but she accepts it for a short time.

Doggy and non doggy can just never meet when one side refeuses to compromise, and you see both sides doing this.

If everyone just tried to accept some things they didn't like sometimes for the sake if other people.....they'd be no AIBU!!!!

Not sure if it's already been suggested but what about a crate OP (for the dog not your SIL )? Do you think SIL would go for that, dog in crate in kitchen behind gate?
You would still have time to crate train your dog before Christmas. Couple of big walks on Christmas Day to tire him out, couple of frozen stuffed black Kongs in the crate to keep him busy while you crack on with presents and eating.

My dog is nicer then my SIL .

at Vivipru!

Whilst I willl not be putting my dog in a kennel when the family all come over for Christmas, partly because this is His home and partly because everyone loves him and would think I'd gone bonkers, I think you might have to grin and bear it this year.

It's not very nice being away from them when you feel it's a special family time, but to be honest the dog will not know any different. Unless it's never been away from you before there probably isn't any real harm done and your Pils will still get to have their family Christmas.

I would however be explaining very succinctly to Sil & Bil how upsetting this will be for you and if they insist on doing it this way then they will be contributing to kennel fees or you'll be bringing the dog.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

What does your DH and his brother think? It's Christmas with their parents, after all.

we have a dog and can I just say:

Kennels are are not the work of the devil, as long as you shop around and are prepared to pay more for a good kennels. Our dog has been in kennels three times (for 2 week stays each time) and come back a picture of health.

Some people dislike dogs. We got our dog knowing that all my relatives love dogs and when we were thinking about getting a dog, they all promised that she'd be more than welcome to come with us when we visit. Just as well seeing as they live 250 miles away, meaning overnight visits only. If we had to kennel her every time we visit, we wouldn't go half as often. Dh's relatives are not doggy people, so we don't stay over there and when we do day visits, we leave our dog home alone, wicked dog owners that we are!

It's not up to your SIL, it's up to the people who invited you. If they're happy to have the dog, that's the end of it really and the SIL will just have to live with it and stop being such a pain in the ass precious.

I think your PILs should make the decision as to whether the dog goes or stays. But sadly if she still refuses to compromise, no matter how totally fucking unreasonable she is being, you can't ask her to pay.

I think I'd stay at home with dog personally. She sounds less than good company.

MordechaiVanunu

It's the PIL's house and they are willing to have the OP's dog in their home.

Tell SIL you won't go unless she puts her kids in kennelsa home over xmas..

Tell SIL you won't go unless she puts her kids in kennelsa home over xmas..