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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my dh is a total twat

216 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 26/11/2011 23:03

hes just got back from a jolly fucking holiday in Spain. Second holiday without us this year.

He went a few days after I was discharged from hospital after a week stay with a slipped disc. He actually booked it last minute while I was in hospital.
When he left I was still pretty much bed bound and sleeping a lot due to morphine.

While he's been one dd has been poorly with a terrible old and has been off school for three days. I've hadthis awful cold, possible flu. Terrible sore throat, raised temp, sweating buckets, not sleeping.

He's come back and is slamming around downstairs. I was in bed. After 30 mins I o down, he's ignoring me. I ask him what the problem is and he's moaning about the house being a mess.

It's not that fucking bad. Front room is cluttered as dd has been doing craft stuff which I couldnt face sorting, I haven't hoovered as I'm not allowed due to my back. Kitchen has been cleaned but dishwasher needed stacking. There are some bits on the stairs that need bringing up.

How fucking dare he be such a cunt. He's had a weeks holiday and left me home sick. I'd never have gone if he'd been as bad as I was when he left. Yes he didn't know I was going o get this bad cold, flu thing buti was really bad with my back. I've told him how upset I feel and he's still not talking to me.

OP posts:

hardboiledpossum · 27/11/2011 14:13

they don't need to be a registered childminder to work in your home. Not even for under 8's. I've worked as a nanny for babies. I would try and go for an au pair though as they offer the most flexibility.

kelly2000 · 27/11/2011 14:33

Are you serious? Why are you with him, leave him.

kelly2000 · 27/11/2011 14:38

I think married people, and people with children who claim their wage is theirs, and they make the household decisions, will get a shock if they seperate and suddenly find they have no legal choice about paying maintainence and the joint assets are divided.

I would just walk out. If my DH went on holiday without me, refused to spend time with me, got cross because I did not leave the house tidy for him, and acted like you DH, he would have come home to find me gone a solicitors letter explaining I was divorcing him, and making a claim for maintainence and division of the assets.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 27/11/2011 14:45

exit plan, OP. That's all you need.

Chandon · 27/11/2011 14:51

Have never joined a "leave the bastard" thread.

But this one is so clear cut.

Please don't stay with this guy.

maxybrown · 27/11/2011 14:53

You don't need to be registered to care for over 8's!!! And anything in your own home is didfferent again anyway, but it is irrelevant as she is over 8!

If you are in the NW I would help you out re childcare, I am currently SAHM with a 4 year old, am normally a TA with an up to date enhanced disclosure. DH is a Teacher.

I spent years with someone who made me laugh, could be really funny etc etc. But he also dorve me into the ground. I allowed him to carry on treating me like that. 10 years i spent like that, most of it privately crying and being miserable - it is awful that jekyll and hyde type atmosphere. Someone who is considering seeking advice and talking about divorce has, IMO already made their mind up about what they will do - it is not a matter of what you will do, but when you will do it. We are a long time dead, don't waste another 4 years.

ouryve · 27/11/2011 15:08

What a selfish, immature git. It's not even the smallest stretch to cite unreasonable behaviour if you send him packing.

Ilovefluffysheep · 27/11/2011 15:55

Viva - have a hug, you sound like you need one. Like others have said, your husband is a complete twat and that is being polite about it!

Try putting yourself in another perspective. Imagine if that was your daughter 10 years down the line telling you that was how she was being treated, what would you tell her to do? Also, and please don't take this the wrong way, but how do you think she feels about things now? She is getting to an age where she can understand things, and how does she feel about Dad going on all these holidays by himself and not wanting to go as a family?

Being on your own is a scary decision to make, I get that, I really do. I've been on my own for 10 years with 2 children after my husband had an affair. However, its is doable. Get yourself to citizens advice, they're really good and have benefits advisors and legal advisors.

You WILL get tax credits. I clear more than you a month and still get over £200 every 4 weeks, although I have 2 children and not one. Have also had help with childcare when they were younger.

This is NOT normal behaviour, and you shouldn't have to live like this. I really hope you have the courage to do something about it, and make a wonderful life for you and your daughter where you can finally be free of this man's control.

Onemorning · 27/11/2011 15:59

Another hug here. You deserve so much better than this man.

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 27/11/2011 16:23

I'll see about talking to him. Maybe we ought to give counselling a try first. Thanks.

OP posts:

WhatAboutMeMeMe · 27/11/2011 16:37

so what did he say when you explained you were in a lot of pain and couldnt cope with the housework on top of caring for a poorly child

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 27/11/2011 16:39

He didn't say anything, just walked off.

OP posts:

garlicnutter · 27/11/2011 16:44

Give up on a bad job, Viva :(

Or: you're in a hole, stop decorating it and start climbing out.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 27/11/2011 17:03

What does family think/say viva? As I know my ILs would be furious if DH treated me & kids like this.

It does sound like he usually goes off on holidays on his own though, so this might not be that huge a deal for you as you're used to it?

But the way he treats you is not how someone in an equal partnership should be treated.

PiousPrat · 27/11/2011 17:04

Or: you're in a hole, stop decorating it and start climbing out.

I'm going to remember that for future use, it is an excellent phrase

viva I may have skipped past a further reference, but if you think he is stalking you on here, you can always report your initial post and ask HQ to delete it, then name change and start another thread for advice with a few less identifying features if you need to.

I can't stress the importance of entitledto.co.uk enough, also see if there is an online calculator for what he would be paying in CSA (which iirc isn't calculated as income for wtc). Money seems to be your biggest concern,which is fair enough in this climate, but at least it would give you some of your power back if you had a decent idea of how much you could have coming in. It may well be far more than you think.

Wrt housing, you may have to make a decision between staying where you are and scrimping a bit to make the mortgage but have a house to show for it or leave and get housing benefit help with rent. There are a lot of variables with that, not least because the house would remain as jointly owned and either way it would make it a bit complicated. You cannot be forced to leave if you have the kids there, nor can your husband force a sale or demand half his equity back until your youngest child is 18, and any years that you are solely paying the mortgage will go in your favour when it comes to determining who gets what share when it is sold. There is also the advantage that your DD gets to stay in her home and have that continuity during a big change. That isn't to say you should underestimate the power of a fresh start though, finding a new house that will be your home, just you and her, that you get to decorate and furnish however you like to make it your little sanctuary. Rent/mortgage is also one of the biggest outgoings so it may be that you couldn't cover the mortgage on your own anyway and keep up a decent standard of living.

Don't forget that you would get help with childcare costs as well.

But, all that is assuming you decide your relationship is over. That is utterly your call and onlyyou know all of your circumstances so no one else can categorically say 'leave him now' is your only option.

A very wise friend of mine was having some major difficulties with her husband and felt trapped. She looked into what help (both financial and practical) she could get if she left/turfed him out, realised she could do it by herself, then decided she didn't want to. She made the decision to stay on the proviso that her husband made some rather big changes, which he did and has kept up. They are still together now and have a healthy, respectful relationship. She said that just having the knowledge that she could leave and it was her choice to stay shifted a lot of the power she felt she had lost, back to her. She stayed because she wanted to, not because she had no other choice and it was very empowering.

choux · 27/11/2011 17:30

I'm another wanting you to think about what your DD is learning about relationships while living in this family set up. Something has to change - either his behaviour or the relationship needs to end.

You are full of uncertainty at the moment as you don't know what the other option - life as a single parent - would mean financially. Find out please. Research tax credits, maintenance, how the house would be allocated so you have the knowledge to choose between this relationship and the life which would be waiting for you if you ended it. As others have said knowing this will make you feel stronger and there is always a chance that the shift in you will make him realise what he is at risk of losing.

But please don't accept this treatment and continue in a status quo...

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